Pairings: Jay/Spinner, mentions of a past Jay/OFC
Warnings: Slash, mentions of past infidelity, het
Author's Notes: Takes place right after the events of Again. There are going to be about five chapters of this fic, so yay me for finally writing a decent multi-chaptered fic. Review, loves!
Prompt: This isn't about you at all at un_love_you
Spinner wakes up the next morning, not with Jay's arms around him like he expects, but facing the wall as far away from Jay as he could get on the bed without falling off of it. He rolls over and watches Jay sleep for a moment, not feeling the love that he usually does when he looks at Jay. It's no surprise. He doesn't trust Jay right now and it'll be awhile before he does. If he ever does again. He sighs and gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for work.
He walks out from the bathroom in a cloud of steam twenty minutes later to find the bed empty. He pauses for a second, then hears the sounds of Jay cooking breakfast and heads into their closet, pulling on his boxers as he goes. After he's pulled on his Dot T-shirt and jeans, he walks down the short hallway to the living room and kitchen. Jay is leaning against the counter, watching the TV and eating some pancakes.
He glances at Spinner as he walks in, obviously wanting to say something, but not quite sure if he should. Spinner mentally sighs again. He's not going to help Jay with this. He deserves to suffer for what he did to him. Spinner grabs a piece of toast and puts butter and jelly on it to go with his coffee. He munches on it slowly, watching the news in silence with Jay, who still looks like he wants to say something. Spinner remains quiet, having nothing to say to Jay, not even a 'good morning'. Jay doesn't deserve it this morning.
Spinner finishes his toast, licks his fingers clean of the jelly, watches Jay watch him out of the corner of his eye and drains the last of his coffee. He slips on his Converse at the door, grabs his keys, and leaves without saying good bye. Jay lets him go, knowing better than to push at the fragile peace that they have going on right now. Sure, it's still tense, but at least they're not yelling and fighting, right?
Spinner heaves a sigh as he unlocks his car and slips into the drivers' seat. It seems like that's all he can do these days is sigh, but if he doesn't it feels like he's going to explode from all the tension in their apartment. He doesn't know if they can make this work, doesn't know if it's even worth trying to fix between them. He doesn't even know if he loves Jay right now. He certainly didn't two days ago, but he isn't going to think about that right now. Right now, he needs to get to work before he's late.
He makes it to The Dot with five minutes to spare, causing Holly J to arch an eyebrow-he's never cut it this close before-but she says nothing for which he is thankful. The day is mostly a blur until Alex comes over on her lunch break. She sits at the counter and smiles at him. "Hey, what's up, Spinner?"
"Just work." He tries to smile at her, but it feels so weird on his face that he lets it fade, letting his mouth turn down at the corners. It's no use trying to fool Alex. She'll just see right through him. She startles him out of his thoughts with another question. "You got a minute? We need to talk."
Spinner looks around for Holly J, asks if she can handle the lunch rush on her own for a few minutes. She starts to protest, then sees the look on his face and nods, looking after him worriedly. Alex leads him out into the alley behind The Dot and leans against the wall. She studies him for a long moment, taking in the way his eyes have bags underneath them, the dark circles. She sees the way his hands are shoved deep into his pockets, the hunched shoulders, the hurt in his eyes that he tries to hide, but can't.
She's pretty sure Jay has lost him for good this time. Spinner's put up with a lot of shit from Jay over the years. Jay stumbling home drunk after a night out with 'the boys', Jay coming home late without calling Spinner so he wouldn't worry, Jay not coming home at all, even bailing Jay out of jail a few times, but never something like Jay cheating on him in their own living room, no less. She wonders if he's thrown out the couch yet and got a new one. She would have and she would have made Jay pay for it too.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Spinner asks, snapping her out of her thoughts.
"Look, I'm going to cut to the chase here. After you threw Jay out that night, and I'm glad you did, he came to my apartment and I told him he had to try to get you back. I told him he needed to be a man and apologize and beg and grovel at your feet for your forgiveness. Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't have let him in when he came back. You're a better person than I am, but that's not the point. The point is, do you still love him?" Alex asks, figuring it's best to face all this head on and not let Spinner hide from it.
Spinner looks at the ground and kicks at the cement. He looks back up at her, eyes so full of pain that her heart breaks a little for him and says "I don't know anymore."
She smiles sadly at him and he doesn't return it, not that she really expects him to. "Come over to my place after work and we'll talk. You, me, and Jay, okay? Try to get everything sorted out."
He nods and heads back inside to help Holly J with the lunch crowd which is steadily picking up. She doesn't follow, instead heading back around to the front and getting her car to go back to work. She isn't hungry anymore.
~*~
Jay arrives at Alex's apartment last, which is really no surprise to either of the other two. Spinner really didn't expect him to come at all. Alex threatened him within an inch of his life that if he didn't show up, he'd have to deal with her wrath which is a lot more controlled and therefore more deadly than it ever was in high school.
Spinner sits on the loveseat, Jay takes a recliner beside him and Alex sits across from both of them on the couch. They sit in silence, feeling the tension build, wondering who is going to start off the conversation that isn't going to be easy. Finally Alex clears her throat and they both look at her expectantly.
"So you two need to talk. I'm only here to keep things from getting to ugly and if you want it, provide advice for either of you." She says, staring at them.
Jay turns to look at Spinner, who is avoiding looking at him at all costs. "Spin, I'm really sorry about what I did. I don't have a reason or an excuse as to why I did it. I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what."
Spinner faces him for the first time that night. "Just tell me why you did it."
Jay seems taken aback by the question, but thinks about it for a moment. "I think it was because I knew I finally realised that I was never going to have the chance to do something like that again, and yeah, I know that makes no sense since we've been together for years now, but I saw the opportunity and I took it. I don't know why I felt the need to cheat on you. Honestly, it wasn't about you at all. I never thought you'd find out. It was just going to be a one time deal to get it out of my system." Jay answers slowly, feeling like an asshole the entire time.
Spinner looks at him, judging the truth of his words. He doesn't know if he can trust Jay, doesn't know if he ever wants to try anymore. He can't fathom why Jay felt the need to do something like that behind his back, though maybe Jay was right. Maybe this isn't about him at all. Maybe Jay just wants something new and he's not giving it to him, so he feels like he has to look for it elsewhere, but why wouldn't Jay just talk to him about something like that? He thinks that after years of being together, they could talk about anything and everything together, but apparently he's wrong yet again.
"I've never even entertained the idea of being with anyone else. Why couldn't you have talked to me about this? I just don't understand." Spinner looks down at his hands, twisting themselves around each other in his lap.
"I don't know. I really don't." Jay says, looking miserable.
They lapse into silence again, Alex looking back and forth between them. No one speaks for awhile, the atmosphere still tense and awkward.
"Will you forgive me?" Jay asks, looking at Spinner hopefully.
"I don't know if I can." Spinner whispers, choking slightly on the tears that are threatening to make their way down his face.
Jay flinches as if he's been slapped, but knows in his head that he deserves this, that he doesn't deserve Spinner's love or forgiveness, but his heart refuses to believe that. He truly loves Spinner and it kills him now that he's done what he has and he wishes he could take it all back. Go back in time and start that day over, so none of this would happen, but he can't, so he has to deal with the consequences of his actions and hope Spinner can say he loves him again. Right now, he'd move Heaven and Earth, the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky to hear Spinner say that to him, but he knows that it probably won't happen ever again because he fucked up and it's his own stupid fault and he deserves nothing less than to have Spinner tell him he hates him and never wants to see him again. He prays it doesn't come to that though.
"I don't want to have to live my life wondering if I'm good enough for you, wondering if you're out fucking someone else when you don't come home at night. I never, not once, think that you were, by the way. All those times when you didn't call and didn't come home until the next morning or afternoon, I never thought you were with someone else. I never believed that. Why? Because I believed that you loved me enough to not put me through that. There was never a doubt in my mind that you loved me. Now all I have are doubts and questions and my own insecurities to deal with." Spinner sniffs, wiping the tears away.
"I don't know if you'll believe me, but I hope you do, that I never cheated on you all those times. Mostly I was just passed out on Sean's couch." Jay mumbles, trying to comfort Spinner somewhat, even though it's not his place anymore. He lost that right when he took that girl home with him.
Spinner nods, but doesn't say anything. Jay can't tell whether or not he believes him. Both seem to have forgotten Alex's presence in the room, but she doesn't say anything, just listens and wonders if she should even be here right now. It's not really her place, and this has nothing to do with her, so she wonders if she's intruding and decides to leave. She heads out the door, shutting it softly behind her. Neither of them appear to notice, and she's glad. They don't need her there and she really doesn't want to bear witness to their private pain and problems.
Jay gets up and kneels at Spinner's feet, taking Spinner's hands in his. "I know I hurt you. I know I messed up big time. I know that you probably hate me right now, but I still love you. I'm so sorry that I did what I did, and I wish more than anything in the world that I could take it back, but I can't and that kills me. It kills me to see you in such pain and know that I'm the reason you're hurting. Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I'll do anything to make us work. I love you."
"It's not that simple, Jay. You can't just expect to say you're sorry and expect me to forgive you just like that. What you did made me feel worthless and useless as a lover. Like I wasn't enough for you or that you were bored with me, that you didn't want me anymore and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. I didn't know what I had done to drive you away and into the arms of someone else. I didn't know what was wrong in our relationship. I certainly didn't think there was anything wrong," He takes a deep breath and continues, "I didn't know what I needed to fix, nothing. I just felt so broken when I saw you with her. It hurt more than you can ever imagine. Nothing in my past relationships ever came this close to how I felt about you and then to have you go and do that was worse than anything I have ever felt before."
"I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry." Jay says, clearly shocked with what Spinner has told him.
"Maybe that's the problem then. I can't forgive you. Not right now, maybe not ever. I can't even say I love you because I don't know if I would mean it at this point." Spinner pulls his hands away from Jay and stands up.
"Where are you going?" Jay asks, watching Spinner walk to the sliding glass door that leads to Alex's balcony.
"Outside, I need a smoke." Spinner says hoarsely, wiping the rest of his tears away.
"I thought you quit." Jay says, frowning.
"And what better time to pick up the habit again." Spinner says, sarcasm drenching every word.
Jay cringes at Spinner's tone and follows him out onto the balcony. "So where do we go from here?"
Spinner takes a drag off his cigarette. "I don't know."