Title: I still love you

Summary: Buffy's thoughts on Xander

AN: italic means dream

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, Xander or Angel

Part: 1 of 1

Why couldn't I have just seen it?

I should have known that you like me more then just a friend like I did you.

After Angel left me you were the only person I could turn to. At first you were there to lean on in my time of need but then you were there to help me. A time went on I started to see you in a different light. I was scared because I didn't want to get hurt again. Before I could tell you that I liked you we were no longer friends because I got back with Angel.

You kept telling me not to because I would just end up hurt again. You told me that you loved me and couldn't sit around while I got hurt again so you left and never came back.

You were right Angel ended up hurting me again by leaving me for Fred.

Two months after that Spike called to say that you had died in the cemetery. You had taken a stake to the heart that had been meant for Spike.

As I stand here two years later I still wonder why the hell did you have to leave me? Why didn't you let Spike take the stake? I found the note telling me I was better off now with out you. Who the hell are you to say whither or not I'll be better off? I love you Xander Lois Harris. DID YOU HEAR ME YOU FUCKING BASTARD? I FUCKING LOVE YOU! YOU ARE A FUCKING BASTARD FOR LEAVING ME HERE BY MY SELF!

"Buffy. Buffy what's wrong," Xander asked wrapping his arms around her.

"Xander," Buffy said crying and clinging to him.

"Was it about the baby again," Xander asked moving his hand down to her stomach.

"No it was about you," Buffy said still crying in Xander's bare chest.

"Why? I mean what happened," Xander asked.

"I was thinking back on when you let because I got back with Angel. Then you took a stake to the heart for Spike and died. I was standing at your grave two years later yelling at you," Buffy said still very upset.

"I think we need to see Angel tomorrow. Ever since you've gotten pregnant for your sister and Spike the dreams have been More upsetting for you. Maybe me can shed some light onto why this time around you're having the upsetting dreams. But the first time you were pregnant with little Alex you never had the dreams," Xander said kissing Buffy on the forehead.

"Maybe it's because when I was pregnant with our son I didn't have to worry about loosing you but now that the PTB are making all our lives miserable I worry all the time. And the first time I was pregnant it wasn't a half vampire half human child that I was caring like I am now," Buffy said calming down.

"That could be. But there's one thing I can promise you and that is I'll never leave you or our son Alex. I love both of you too much," Xander said kissing Buffy fully on the lips to prove his point.

"Better not," Buffy said after they broke apart.

"You think you could get back to sleep now," Xander asked.

"As long as you're here with me," Buffy said starting to scoot down so she could lay down.

"I'll stay with you until you wake up," Xander said with his arms still wrapped around Buffy.

"Ok," Buffy said smiling.

"Night love," Xander said kissing B's cheek.

"Night and love a too," Buffy said knowing tomorrow would be better. With that they fell asleep.

THE END

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