Lord of the Parodies: Fellowship of the Ring (Part 1)
The following screenplay parody has been given a designated rating of PG-13, standing for Paramount Greatness times 13, for rolling on the floor laughter mingled with hilarious satire bound to tickle your funny-bone!
Author's Note: Yes, I know: The ring does not have ADD, Bilbo had the mithril coat for way more than thirty days, and Sam's dad would never, ever teach him how to swim. But it's a parody. Take the jokes. This is based on the movie, but has allusions to the books (especially in TTT and RotK). However, you don't need to have read the books to get all of it. But read the books if you haven't! They're awesome! The Fellowship is funny in a drawn-out way, but Towers and King are condensed. Rated PG, K+ (whatever) for some drinking and extensive insults.
A black screen is displayed, and dramatic music can be heard. Freaky Elvish whispering that no one really understands ensues. Then a melodramatic poetry session starts. Finally, Galadriel starts telling us the plot.
"The Elves are the best, and they only got three rings. Men are most corrupt, and they got nine. Go figure that one. But ultimately it didn't matter anyway, because this shady wizard, Sauron, created one ring to override all the rest," she says.
"Muahaha!" Sauron says in the fiery depths of Mount Doom. "Now I can rule all Middle Earth with my preciousssss."
Wild men attack villages.
But some villagers rebel and shout: "We have not yet begun to fight! We will unite or we will fall! Liberty, equality, and fraternity!"
An army of elves and men can be seen battling orcs… that is, trying to battle orcs. The fight is pretty one-sided. Sauron flings his staff and shouts, "Take that, King of Gondor."
Isildur gets really mad. "No! Dad!" Then he cuts off Sauron's ring. "Take that, "King" of Middle Earth. It's mine now! Muahaha! MY Prrecioussss."
Galadriel continues to narrate. "Next thing he knew, he was dead in a forsaken creek. The ring sank to the bottom until a freakazoid found it 2 and a half thousand years later."
"MY Prreciousssssssssssssssssss," Gollum hisses.
Galadriel continues, "Due to the ring's incurable case of ADD, it left Gollum after 500 years for a handsome young hobbit named Bilbo. Soon, it would get bored of him, too."
The Shire: 60 Years LaterWe see a quiet, scenic countryside and a place where a hobbit is having a party. Fireworks are going off, and everyone is having a good time. Screams can be heard, and become more distinct as the camera pans in.
Various people start shouting: "Speech, Bilbo, speech!"
A very drunk Bilbo staggers up to a hill that he uses as a virtual podium. Then he says:
"My dearest relatives – Bagginses, Tooks, Brandybucks, and Proudfoots, just to name the half of you. Half of the other half of you doesn't have half the integrity to like me half as well as you should. In fact, if you saw me drop half dead in front of you in the street, you would probably half-heartedly shrug it off and wouldn't give half a halfpence if I died a half an hour later. But that isn't the half of it. I also don't know half of you half as well as I would like, and half the time I say things behind half your backs that aren't halfway decent that I end up regretting about a half a second later anyway. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. That's my speech, and if you liked it half as much as I enjoyed writing it, then I liked writing it twice as much as you enjoyed it."
Murmurs start to move through the crowd.
"Wow, Bilbo, how many bottles did you have!" shouts Frodo.
"Ok, now this is getting too personal," Bilbo declares. "So… time for me to split. Sorry, folks, I'll miss half of the good half of you half the rest of my days. Adios." Then he vanishes before anyone has a chance to react.
"Some farewell, Bilbo," shouts a random hobbit.
Frodo starts sobbing. "NO! Bilbo, wait! I take it back! Oh dear, I haven't even spent half as much time with you as I wanted."
Inside Bilbo's hobbit hole, he magically reappears, puts the ring in his pocket, and starts packing. His very old friend, the wizard Gandalf, sneaks up furtively behind him, scaring him half to death and making him jump as high as a human head stands.
"That was unethical abuse of a magic ring," he says. "Didn't your momma ever teach you any better? Really, Bilbo, I am ashamed of you. Honestly, I believe that you are beginning to exhibit some of the characteristics of that ring you carry, most of all, capriciously taking off like this—"
Bilbo leans close to Gandalf. "Are you implying that the ring is corrupting me?"
"I only said—"
Bilbo yells at the top of his lungs. "What's it matter to you, anyway, huh! Wanna take this outside? Let's go!"
Gandalf grows very agitated, acquiring an electric aura and a slow, deep voice that only a wizard or a synthesizer could make. "If you don't give that ring to Frodo, I will…"
Bilbo is instantly stunned, and drops the Ring like a hot potato as he books it.
Gandalf returns back to normal. "That's more like it." He scoops up the ring, which flashes an image of an eye at him. "Quirky thing."
Frodo comes in shouting. "Bilbo! …He's gone! Ugh, I was afraid he would take my comment too personally." He sobs into a fresh handkerchief.
"No, he just up and left. That ring has had too powerful an influence on his life."
"Umm, I don't get it."
"Neither do I. So, I'm going to do research."
Frodo sobs. "Wait! You've only been here for about 2 seconds, and now you're leaving? First Bilbo, and now you?"
"Yep."
Gandalfleaves for about 17 years and then returns to the Shire with news about the Ring. He sneaks up furtively behind Frodo, scaring him half to death and making him jump as high as a human head stands.
"Egad!" Frodo shouts. "Oh, Gandalf, it's you! You came back to me." He starts shedding tears of joy.
"Yea, yea," Gandalf yells. "You better not have told anyone about that ring…"
"Chill out. It's right here."
He presents it to Gandalf, who snatches it from him and throws it into the fireplace.
"Hey! You can't do that. It's all I have left of dearest Bilbo…"
"You chill out. I'm just trying to see something…" He removes the ring from the fire. After a few seconds, graffiti appears on its band. Gandalf slams it down on the table "Yep. This is the ADD ring, all right. Frodo, the ring's possessed. It's connected to a wizard Sauron, who has miraculously survived over 3,577 years. He knows it's here, he's looking for it, and they're probably coming after you. You see, the ring has ADD, and it is very anxious to switch bearers as frequently as possible when it gets the chance."
"None of this is very comforting," Frodo sobs, handing the Ring to Gandalf "Get this freakish thing out of my sight. I'm too young to bear this type of burden!"
"And I'm too old. I don't want it. Now be a sport and quit bawling."
"What now?"
"Just get out of the Shire, and…" An earth-shattering clatter comes from outside "… get DOWN!" He pulls an eavesdropper out of the bushes near the house
"My best friend Sam!" Frodo exclaims. "Hey, what was the cacophony about?"
"Mr. Frodo, I'm so sorry. But you know I was trying to plant some flowers in that flower pot you just bought, and…"
"No! Not my 150₤ flowerpot with hearts on it! That was my favorite." He starts crying.
"Ah, I find all of this very interesting," Gandalf interjects. "Well, if it makes you feel better, Frodo, we could have him go with you on your trip out of the Shire as a way of paying you back."
The Next MorningGandalf is speaking to Frodo. "Right, so… I don't have any answers, so I'm going to someone who does. Keep the Ring secret and safe, and above all never put it on. Sam, stay with Frodo."
"Wait!" Frodo sobs. "ou're leaving again? Don't you care about me anymore?"
"Relax already. I'll meet you at the Prancing Pony." He prances away on his pony.
Isengard"Hail, most righteous, wise, and above all, most practical Saruman," Gandalf greets his old friend.
"Hey, Gandalf! Come, let's look in my Palantír," Saruman answers.
"No thanks. I have some questions about this ring…"
"Alas, the ADD ring. 'Tis unfortunate, I do admit. However, we must make the best of the situation that is given to us and join with Sauron, since he is too great a force to defeat, and it would only result in our demise to concoct against him."
"Haha. Funny joke, but I know you're smarter than that."
"I should say the same to you. After all, Sauron's already sent out the nine and everything."
"But in the end, the bad guys always lose. I'm not switching sides. It's not practical at all. You know, you used to be wise and practical…"
Saruman gets very mad. "First you don't cooperate, and then you insult me. You will have to be done away with." He flings Gandalf to the top of Orthanc.
A Corn FieldSam starts freaking out. "Mr. Frodo? Frodo, I lost you! MR. FRODO!"
"Right here, silly."
"Oh, good. I thought I'd lost you, and I have a phobia of being far away from home in a field of vegetables taller than me."
Frodo laughs. "Sam, it's Shire corn. Nothing bad is ever raised in the Shire."
The next instant, Merry bumps into Frodo and Pippin into Sam.
Sam says, "Famous last words."
"Hey, Pippin, it's Frodo Baggins!" Merry observes.
"Who?" Pippin asks with a blank stare.
"You should know. Your second cousin once removed on his mother's side!"
"Oh, that Frodo Baggins?"
"No, the OTHER Frodo."
"There's another Frodo?"
"No, stupid. Forget it. Just run."
"From what?"
Merry points at Farmer Maggot and his 3 dogs running after him "That…"
Merry and Pippin run off, stacking all of the vegetables they stole on top of Sam. He miraculously balances all of them, but can't see around them and runs into Frodo, sending all four tumbling down the side of a steep hill.
"See what I have been saying all my life?" Sam says. "Can't trust Brandybucks or Tooks."
"Not fair, when you were the one who pushed us off in the first place," Merry points out. Then he changes the subject, pointing to a group of mushrooms. "LOOK! Kingdom Fungi!"
As an argument ensues as to whether the 'shrooms are poisonous, Frodo stands aloof. He watches the trees take all sorts of freaky shapes.
"Lo, the forest doth portray an unnaturally eerie form. It would be wise if my companions giveth their consent to render ourselves less conspicuous. For 'tis a bad omen that doth manifest itself unto us; behold, 'tis not of their own devices that the trees do this," Frodo says.
"Fair Lord Frodo, I knewest not that thou didst write poetry," Merry says.
"Nay, fair sir, but I did read it in a book once."
"Umm…. English?" Pippin is clueless.
Sam looks up. "The trees are freaky. Let's hide!"
The Hobbits hide. A Ringwraith looks for them, but, due to a case of ADD passed down from the One Ring, gets tired of looking for them after about three minutes.
"We are about to embark on a dangerous journey full of terror and peril," Frodo announces.
"Sounds like that's right up our alley," Merry says.
"But you don't understand—"
"Understand? Nonsense, of course I do. It's all for all and one for one… well, I think I misquoted it, but the point is, we're coming with you!"
"Then, let's prance to the 'pony."
At the InnFrodo asks the man at the counter, "Hey, have you seen a wizard—"
Butterbur (man at counter) rudely cuts Frodo off. "Don't know."
"Well, he's about 10'2", he wears a pointy hat, gray beard, and you can't miss him—"
"Don't know! Sheesh, if you can't miss 'im, go look fer 'im yerself."
"Snotty Breefolk!" Sam exclaims. "Time to do this the unconventional way." He stands on the bar. "Gandalf? Are you here?"
"Just great, Sam. You've called more attention to us than I would have liked," Frodo says.
"Well, it worked, didn't it? We found out he wasn't here."
Frodo sobs. "He left me again! I remember those good old times when we used to chat over cups of tea. Now all he does is abandon me! He doesn't care about me anymore. What's a poor Hobbit to do?"
"Try the new innovation, the PINT," Merry says.
"What's a pint?" Pippin asks.
"Jumbo sized!"
"Cool! I'm getting one."
"Speaking of drawing attention, what's up with that guy in the corner? Frodo, he can't take his eyes off you," Sam observes.
"How romantic sounding," Merry says under his breath.
Meanwhile, Pippin is talking to drunken men at the bar: "Hey, check out my family! There's Frodo Baggins. He's my second cousin twice removed on his mother's side…"
Frodo runs over yelling. "Pippin, you douche bag, I was supposed to be under the alias Underhill! You knew that!"
"No, it would have helped if you had TOLD me that little tidbit of information!"
"It doesn't matter! We're wanted men and here you are, leaking our stats all over town…" Frodo cuts himself off as he realizes that drunken men are staring at the wanted men. He murmurs something under his breath. "Time to get invisible." He slips the ring on. He sees freaky people and hears freaky whispers of I see you. And what's the point of being invisible if someone can still SEE you? He takes the ring off.
"So much for not drawing attention, huh?" A voice from behind Frodo says. The person hauls Frodo to his feet and drags him to a room. "I know all about you. Is that scary?"
"Well, I think everyone around knows all about me now, unfortunately."
The person, AKA Strider and a million other things, says: "I even know what hunts you. Frightened yet?"
"Yea..."
"And you haven't even seen the half of it yet. Brace yourself."
Sam, Pippin and Merry come to the "rescue." Strider bosses them around, telling them to get to bed and shut up. Turns out, he was trying to trick the Ringwraiths. Thus, the Hobbits escape once more. Which the heroes always do.
In the Morning
"So, I guess he's a good guy," Frodo says.
"Oh, yea?" Sam asks cynically.
"Hey, he saved our hides."
"I'm leading you into the wild," Strider says. "After that, we go to Rivendell, where my sweetheart lives. She'll know what to do. I won't let you stop till nightfall, so don't even think about trying to pull anything on me."
"See, I don't like the sound of this. I have a phobia of long journeys with no stops," Sam says.
"But, Strider, sir, I have to go to the bathroom," Merry says.
"And you're forgetting about second breakfast, third breakfast, elevenzies, luncheon, second luncheon, afternoon feast number three, afternoon tea and jam on a biscuit, dinner, second dinner, supper, and ninezies!" exclaims Pippin the food lover.
How do they eat all of that and not get fat? Strider thinks.
"I miss Gandalf..." Frodo says.
"I'm thirsty..." Sam whines.
"I'm in the mood for an apple," Pippin says.
"Alas, woe is me," Frodo exclaims dramatically. "Even Bilbo deserted me. I need to sit and rest, for I grow weary with sorrow."
"What did I say? No stops!" Strider shouts.
"But I'm tired," Pippin gripes.
"I didn't even have the foresight to bring a picture of dearest Bilbo to remind me..."
"I want—" Sam starts.
Strider is fed up. He shouts, "I want all of you to shut UP, and stop your incessant complaining, or I turn this giddy, lively fellowship around right now and send you all back to where you came from."
"You promise?" Sam asks.
"No. Shut up and move."
Weathertop at Night
"There's no way I can take spending another night with any one of you, much less all of you at once, so I'm leaving," Strider announces. "Oh yea, whatever you do, DON'T draw attention to yourselves the way you did at the inn." He glares at Frodo.
Later on, Frodo wakes in horror to see Sam, Merry, and Pippin crowded around a campfire, singing very off-key, and eating some unknown delicacies.
"My second cousin once removed! Come on and join the party, you don't know what you're missing! The salted pork—" Pippin starts.
Frodo yells at the top of his lungs. "You douche bags! Strider said not to draw attention, and here you are making campfires..."
A shrill shriek in the background cuts him off.
"And yelling louder than the noise we were making to begin with is the solution? Just great, Mr. Frodo," Sam says.
The Ringwraiths come up to the spot where the Hobbits are. The Hobbits do their best to conceal themselves.
"Oh, yea?" Frodo says. "Well, if this is going to be a game of hide-and-seek, this is one Hobbit who is NOT going to be found." He puts the ring on but gets stabbed anyway. He lets out feral cries of pain.
"Mr. Frodo!"
"AAHHH…."
Strider throws torches at the Wraiths and vanquishes the whole lot. "Yea! Who's on fire? Strider to the rescue, once again."
"AAAAAHHHH…."
"Just great. An ADD blade got Frodo. We'll have to move if we don't want him turning screwed up like the rest."
Merry looks at Frodo. "He seems to have contracted an illness, the likes of which I have never before seen—"
Which I have just clarified, thank you very much, Einstein," Strider says. "Let's move. I'm taking him to my Sweetheart. She'll know what to do."
Right on cue, enter Arwen. She is tall, possesses a catlike grace, and is obviously very proud of it, as she is obsessed with her refinedness. She becomes surrounded by a celestial, blinding white light.
"Frodooo. I will now commence to whisper comforting words in an Elvish tongue which you won't understand anyway, but they will have a Rasputen-like effect on your body."
Frodo gapes and stares.
"No way. Don't stare at her like that, she's taken," Strider says.
"I'm taking him to my Daddy. He'll know what to do."
"Be careful, baby. I don't want those nasty 'guls' touching you."
"Do you know what this chick is made of?" Arwen says with a suggestive wink.
"I certainly would like to..."
Arwen trots off. Wraiths chase her, but when she reaches the other side of the river, she whispers a spell in that death-like whisper of hers and she vanquishes the whole lot. "Alrighty, then."
House of ElrondFrodo wakes up to see Gandalf by his bedside.
"Gandalf! You're back again! Why'd you leave me in the first place?"
"Now, will you quit taking everything so personally? Had it occurred to you that I was held up by circumstances beyond my control? Honest to Mordor, didn't Bilbo ever teach you any better? Oh, speaking of Bilbo… he's here."
"HE'S HERE!"
"That's what I said. If I liked to hear my own echo, I would buy a parrot."
Frodo is already out the door midway through Gandalf's sentence.
"Mr. Frodo! You're alive!"
"Yea, yea. BILBO! Wow, you look… old."
"Thanks, I think," Bilbo answers. Hey, check out my book."
" 'The Hobbit.' It's lovely. Most original title I ever heard. Why'd you leave me?"
"Ack, I'm sorry about that. I'll make it up to you. Here, take this Dwarvish mail It's made out of mithril. That's worth more than the whole Shire times two. Let me see you put it on."
"I don't know…" Frodo protests.
"Do you mind if I see if it fits? These Dwarves have a thirty-day return policy."
Reluctantly, Frodo undoes the first three buttons of his shirt, revealing the ring that he stupidly has hung around his neck.
"Hey, it's my old Preciouss! Let me hold it."
"Wow, Bilbo, you're demanding all of a sudden."
Bilbo looks like he's just been electrocuted. "GIVE IT UP."
Frodo backs away. "Egad!"
"Sorry about that. Look, I'll trade you Sting for the Preciouss."
"No. Who's Sting, anyway?"
"My sword!"
"Isn't that odd? Naming your swords?"
Bilbo hands Sting to Frodo. "Not really. It's the new trend. Now give up the ring."
"No!"
Bilbo returns to his normal self and bawls. "I'm sorry about freaking you out. Sorry I left you. Sorry for everything!"
"I'm sorry too."
Balcony of Elrond's Study"I have plans for that hobbit," Elrond says to Gandalf.
"Plans? Bilbo can barely walk anymore."
"No, you douche bag, I meant the other one… Frodo, that's him."
"Oh. Well he's not emotionally apt enough to take a journey like this, let's just put it that way."
"Don't make excuses. I suppose you have some bright ideas? I mean, come on. Alternatives?"
"Men."
"No. Men are weak. I say this because Isildur had a chance to destroy evil and didn't take it. Because of this one instance, I will make the judgment that the strength of men has failed forever."
"I remember that little incident. Maybe it's somebody ELSE'S fault for not seizing the opportunity to take the ring from him and destroy it." He stares Elrond down and Elrond blushes from embarrassment. Gandalf continues. "Anyway, there's one man I know we can trust."
"No. Let him stay a ranger. I have a hesitation to trust my daughter's fiancé… or any man she dates, for that matter."
"Come on, she's 3,000 years old already. Can't she even date yet?"
"Um, no."
Elsewhere, Boromir is wandering around talking to himself: "I will stare with contempt upon those paintings of Gondor's kings, for I am but a steward's son. I will walk up to this dais with sword fragments on it. I will 'ooh' and 'ahh' because this is the very blade that severed Sauron's finger! I will act like an idiot and actually touch the sword's blade and scream in pain when it actually cuts my finger! OWW!" He drops the sword and goes off crying like a little girl.
"I will be more respectful to my ancestor's possessions than this bum of a steward's son. I will reverently put the sword back where it belongs and place a hand to my heart in a moment of silence," Aragorn says.
Arwen sneaks up behind Aragorn and scares him out of his wits. "Hey, baby. This is A Ranger Caught Off His Guard Take Two. Let's go find a more romantic spot to smooch."
They do so and spend who knows how long smooching. Finally, Aragorn tells Arwen that he has a Council to attend.
Well, what do you think? Let me know! I like it, but I think the most hilarious parts are Council of Elrond and after.