Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, whatever that Japanese guy's name is does. And I don't own Kill Bill, either, it's just one of my favorite movies EVER!11one. However, I would like to mention that I do in fact own this particular story as it is of my own creation and those of you who try to steal it will be killed. No, I'm just kidding, you won't be killed, I'll just hate you for life.

Kill

Sasuke:

Volume I

A Parody By Dextral

Rated R

Heavy violence, explicit language, sexual content, drug usage

Prologue

A heavily injured, obviously pregnant woman lies beaten on the ground, her eyes scanning frantically around the room. As she continues to search for something, anything at all, the blood-splattered blonde hears faint footsteps on the wooden floor heading in her direction. She can't move, she hurts too much to move, and her brain and heart are in overdrive. She had tried so very hard to get away, but she knew it was hopeless. This was just evidence of her knowledge.

Panting loudly and quite heavily, her heartbeats started increasing in pace and speed, panic clearly evident in her occasional moan or groan. Pain had never been one of her favorite things and learning to endure it most of her life had paid off, but this was quite exceptional. She hadn't killed anything in months and she hadn't even been training at all. Dammit, this was a very hard situation. Her opponents were four of the most highly regarded assassins on the planet and their boss, whom also was very skilled in the art of murder. His name was Sasuke.

Staring hazily at the four people in front of her, she could make out her rival and nemesis, Sakura, her shoulder length pink hair in its usual fashionable form. Her former comrade, Temari, who had her hair in a set of many, tiny braids, was staring with a bored look in her eyes as she lay there in agony. Another member, a blonde, rather hyperactive man by the name of Naruto was standing over her with a slight smirk, his height about as tall as the slender and beautiful Sakura, around five foot eleven. He donned a rather simple, handsome black suit and tie and it made her want to vomit. And by his side, the ever serious and calm Hinata, who was staring at her in a slightly pained and pitying look. It didn't matter, though, how she looked at her; all these mother fuckers would pay with their lives.

A ring-tone of a cellphone rang in the background, but she was too hectic to really notice it. The ringing stopped and a voice spoke, a slightly French accent put into it. The voice was speaking Japanese, and she knew who it was; Tenten, personal assistant of Sasuke. She was just as responsible for this - she'd have no mercy at all, either. And she would make sure of it, just they wait. She'd make sure.

But her hopes were somewhat diminished as the footsteps stopped and a pale, black haired man at around six feet stepped into view, a very calm face looking her over with no concern whatsoever. She was furious, a passion of hate overwhelming her as she saw him. She couldn't help it, this was all his fault. It was his stupid actions that killed off her future husband and friends, her whole life from this point onward was destroyed because of his actions. And to think that she used to be in love, and probably still was, with this bastard was one of the most sickening ideas that ever crossed her intellectual mind. Soon his smooth, baritone voice echoed in her ears.

"Do you find me sadistic?"

She didn't know how to reply to Sasuke's words, not that she really had much strength to. She could only think about how much entertainment this was giving him, watching her suffer on the cold wooden boards that she lay on, bloodied and beaten by his handiwork. She knew he wouldn't smile at all, but she could feel it all entirely, even with his stoic facade. Instead of attempting to reply, she just continued whimpering, her panting subsiding just a bit in volume. Sasuke knelt down before her, taking out a white hankerchief from his suit's pocket. He tenderly and almost lovingly wiped away the blood from her pretty pale face, and she just had the need to spit her blood on him and call him a mother fucking bastard. But for some reason untold, she just didn't and couldn't.

"You hurt me very much, you know that, right?"

She said nothing. She knew if she said something it would just be making him happy, but staying silent would make him just as joyful. A lose-lose situation, she thought, gritting her teeth slightly as more fresh blood tainted her tongue. Her own blood, which was a rare taste for her. Staring at him, trying not to show emotion whatsoever, she knew that he was going to start talking again, but she couldn't concentrate as much as she would have liked to.

"I consider myself to be a fairly nice guy, you know that...you're a really beautiful girl, and I'm regretting doing this to you. I knew I would, too."

Then why did he do it if he knew he would regret it? Was this just his way of saying goodbye forever and then shooting her in the head, then continuing on with his life until he died? But no, Sasuke was always much more complex than that; his whole life was still somewhat of a mystery to her, and his enigmatic presence always confused her. Maybe that was one of the reasons why she had loved him.

Blood trickled down her head and he promptly wiped it away, now a slight sympathetic look gracing his elegant features. Normally she would swoon over him and smile, but this was not at all like how it used to be. Maybe she was starting to regret ever leaving the business, but no, this was for her, for her and her future life. If she had remained with Sasuke she knew that 'she' would have it bad in life. It was for her, not for herself.

"No, this is me at my most masochistic form."

Now she had to tell him, and she had to tell him now.

"Sasuke..."

"...it's your baby."

The gun fired, directly into the side of her head.

Part One - "2"

Chapter One: "We'll Have Us A Knife Fight."

The City of PASADENA, CALIFORNIA

The Pussy Wagon, its horribly bright and tacky color combination of pink and yellow, the neon pink title on the back of the truck, rolled up next to the sidewalk of a rather suburban, quaint house. The neighborhood was quiet, from what she could tell, and not very shocking or urban. A few more houses that looked practically identical to each other lined the street and she could only figure out which house was the one she was interested in by the mail box with read "Bell". Interesting, the woman in the car thought to herself, for her to pick this as a hideout. The slender woman at about six feet tall stepped out from the rather obscene vehicle, striding over gracefully to the white oak door at the front of the mint green house. They Californian rays shone down on her, and the heat was starting to really show on her, sweat trickling slightly down her pale face. She forced herself to calm down, remembering all of the training she had received over the past month and her private little getaway for her own workout. Now facing the door, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door, waiting casually as if her actions were completely innocent.

She heard a rather sassy voice answer. "Hey, Gaara, I didn't know you'd be home so soon!" Her tone was happy, caring, and rather chipper, and she saw the door open to reveal the voice's owner. The blonde woman that appeared was still sporting her tan hair and her hair was now in a set of four spiky ponytails. She was a couple inches shorter than she, and her brown hazel eyes stared in confusion at the woman in front of her.

Flashes of the past burst through her mind, all of them about the woman in front of her. Betrayal, murder, deception, destruction. She saw Temari as she punched her across the wedding chapel in El Paso, Texas, her face hitting the wooden floor with a thud, another spike of blood appearing on her face. Another memory, this one of way back when, the two talking happily as they discussed something trivial about coffee or something, both of them in her house. Then again she thought of the beatings and injuries she had received from Temari and the positive thoughts again turned negative. The woman in front of Her had an expression on her face of recognition, immediately shocked and scared to see Her on her doorstep. After not even a second, She did the first thing that came to mind.

She punched Temari directly in the face.

She (from now on known as "She") attempted a low kick to Temari's leg, only to be blocked. Throwing a sideways smack at her face, Her fist connected directly with her tan face. Now trying to throw another punch, She was surprised to have Temari grab her hand before she could connect with her body and hurl her behind her. She hit the wall at full force, blasting into a mirror and sending shattered glass all over her. A few cuts, but nothing horrible. On the ground, She had just enough time to see Temari's foot come crashing down at her face, which she quickly blocked with her wrist. In retaliation, She thrust out her foot into Temari's shin, causing her to buckle over in pain. During Temari's recovery, She sent her foot directly into her face, sending Temari flying across the room and smashing down onto a glass coffee table, again scattering pieces of glass about the blue carpeted living room.

She instantly jumped over the purple couch that Temari had went flying over and was about to kick her when she was down. Temari, however, picked up a broken off wooden leg of the coffee table and hit directly into Her knee. She could feel the pain in her leg and screamed, unable to control her voice. Seeing a swing of the wooden stick coming at her face, She quickly ducked and dove onto the ground, only to have Temari taking the wood in two hands and come crashing it down towards her face. She caught the former coffee table leg and let Her foot hit Temari's stomach, pushing upwards and causing Temari to go sprawling behind her in a somersault. Promptly, She let her arm encase around Temari's neck, tightening her grip as she felt struggle. A cheap way to kill, strangling, but it was sufficient. She never really assassinated anyone this way, preferring to rather shoot them directly in the forehead or even beat them to death. She could feel Temari moving her limbs, hitting her elbow a few times in a failing attempt to breathe, so She quickly grasped harder around her tan neck. Unfortunately, She didn't see Temari's hand encase itself around one of the fireplace tools and smash it into her head. She buckled over in pain, letting another cry escape her full lips.

While on She was on the ground, Temari used her weapon and stabbed it down towards Her down body. She used Her reflexes and caught the tool, kicking Temari into a glass shelf that was in back of their arena. Temari hit the storage with little harm, seeing her advantage. Quickly turning to the side of the shelf, Temari toppled it over onto Her. On instinct She went into fetal position, the glass and wooden shelving hitting with a large amount of force. She managed not to scream, but She did whimper as it hit and panted quite heavily by this time in the fight. She was shaking a bit as She stood from Her position, shaking the glass and wood chips off Her brown leather jacket. Wiping a bit of blood from Her eyes, She quickly chased after Temari into the yellow walled kitchen.

A sudden horizontal knife attack made Her duck to avoid it. A vertical attack caused Her to move to the side, and She spun to avoid a thrusting attack from the knife. Instantly scanning the room for any kind of defensive item, She spotted a black frying pan sitting on the counter next to her. Pitiful, but it worked fine if She used it right. Picking it up in Her slender fingers, She gripped it tightly as She readied for another attack. Blocking three attacks, horizontal ("Ha!"), vertical ("Over there!"), horizontal ("Ya!"), all the while backing up into the dining room, She was focused directly on the movements of the knife in front of her. Every once and a while one of them would shriek or yelp, and sometimes a pant would run out of Her mouth. Another array of attacks came at Her, and She gracefully avoided or blocked all of them with Her part-time weapon. The last hit, however, knocked the black kitchen utensil right out of Her hand, making her have to grab Temari's wrist belonging to the hand holding the knife, and was kicked in the gut by Temari's foot and sent sailing onto the probably a hundred dollar dining room table. A bit dazed, She luckily saw Temari launch downwards with the knife in two hands towards Her face, rolling out of the way and onto the white floor below.

Instantly She pulled Her knife out of its sheath and stabbed upwards, hitting through the table and only an inch from Temari's face. Seeing that Her attack hadn't hit anything, She kicked Her foot upwards and sent the table toppling to the ground, also sending Temari sprawling to the carpeted flooring. Quickly She jumped over the dining room table, knife in hand. Temari was backing up into the entrance room again, her butcher knife frontwards in her grip. For easier blocking usage, She flipped Her knife into a downwards grip, cautiously approaching Temari in somewhat spastic movements, jumping back every now and then and sometimes slashing forward. The two women were in a duel of knifes now, and She knew that Temari was famous for her work with short bladed weapons.

"Come on, bitch, come on..." Temari taunted, fiercely kicking a piece of shattered something out of the way. Now the two were at the viewing pleasure of the window, and She glanced over when She heard a car passing on the pavement only to see a school bus placing itself next to Her Pussy Wagon. Averting Her attention back at Temari, She could see a pleading look on her face that said, 'Please, let's finish this later, please.' Now this was a predicament. Either She killed Temari right now and got it over with, but at the cost of letting Temari's son see that murder, traumatizing him for life. The second option was to save this for later, resulting in another possibility of death. However, being a kind soul at heart, She quickly hid her knife (as did Temari) as they heard the front door open.

"Mother, I'm back from school." The voice of a red headed boy said, somehow sending a ripple of fear down Her mind. Ignoring it, She looked at the boy with no feeling whatsoever, the only emotion She was showing being exhaustion. He sounded like a very mature, serious boy, and his green eyes were somewhat shocking against his rusty red hair and very pale skin. The only real similarity he had with Temari was his face, which seemed oddly similar.

"Hey, Gaara. How was school today?" Temari asked her son, her voice heavy with tiredness. Gaara shrugged and began to walk away before he stopped and stared directly into Her eyes, face completely stone and eyes the only thing that held emotion; suspicion. Temari apparently decided it was ripe time to introduce Her to Gaara.

"Gaara, this is one of mommy's old friends from way back when, BEEP." Temari panted out, smiling in an obviously fake expression. Gaara stared at Her and never removed his eyes, almost spearing into Her very soul.

"Hello, Gaara. Such a wonderful name for such a handsome young man." She said, now calming Herself down and using a very uncharacteristically gentle voice towards the young boy that. Usually She was yelling and hollering about one thing or another, making people work for Her or laughing Her head off. But She realized that to communicate with someone so young, you also had to be oh so careful. One wrong move could instantly break a child's heart, which is one of the reasons She regretted about when She was pregnant.

It seemed as though Gaara was completely unmoved by Her words and he still stared menacingly at Her. Little bastard, She thought to Herself, now becoming slightly annoyed. Temari, however, broke Her rising indignation and snapped, "Gaara, say hello to BEEP." Gaara refused to reply, not opening his lips once and speaking a single word. She couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable in this situation, as if She had never experienced a rather awkward moment between a few people. She decided that if anyone should speak, maybe She should.

"How old are you, Gaara?" She asked sweetly, smiling lightly as She looked at the boy. This boy was certainly being a little bastard, not even replying to absolutely anything. Shifting uncomfortably as She stood, She smirked slightly in a random burst of embarrassment. When She looked over at Temari, She noticed that she seemed kind of annoyed with Gaara.

"Gaara." She snapped, Temari's voice firm yet gentle. "Answer BEEP's question. We don't want to be rude, do we?" Ah, Temari had transformed from a five star assassin to a loving mother. How disgusting.

"I'm five." Gaara said in a flat voice, his tone not showing even anger, it was just the words and nothing else. It was as if he was completely void of any emotion whatsoever, so She was rather aback by the child's behavior. Normally She thought children screamed and cried a lot, but this kid was bizarrely different. He was probably one of the most easiest kids to handle in the parenting world.

"Five?" She spoke, nodding in a sort of approval. "You know what? I used to have a daughter. She'd probably be about five right now, too."

Temari looked a bit uncomfortable at the mention of Her previously alive daughter, but continued to smile bravely at her son, even though she knew it was either her or Her to die in the moments after her son left. An awkward silence encased the three of them, adult or child, and every once and a while one of them would shift position or look away for a few moments before returning to gaze at one of the others. All of them were waiting for one of the others to make the first move, and, being the mother, Temari decided it was her to have to start the next line of speech. She slowly bent down towards her son and let her hand caress his pale face, smiling lightly yet sadly as she did so. She suddenly knew that Temari realized that this may be her last time seeing her son and respected respected her moment of looking at Gaara.

"Now baby," Temari said, "BEEP and I have some grownup talk to do, okay? So you go up to our room and wait until I say for you to come out, okay?"

Gaara merely stared at Her, never straying his eyes to his mother even when she felt his face and knelt down before him. Temari's face grew stern again, and she snapped her fingers to get Gaara's attention. "Gaara!" He snapped his head over and looked into her eyes. "In your room - now." With that, Gaara stalked up to his room and closed the door behind him with a quiet thud. Both of the women let out a relieved sigh as he left and let their weapons show once again, this time showing no hostilities.

"You want some coffee?" Temari questioned, her hand gesturing towards the kitchen. She muttered a 'sure' and followed after her into the yellow walled kitchen.

Soon the two women were in the kitchen, She sitting at the white kitchen counter with a white towel in Her hands, cleaning Herself from the blood that had developed from her cuts and scrapes from the fight. Temari was currently in the midst of making the coffee, walking about the room, opening and closing the refrigerator every now and then and sometimes walking over to the sink to clean a plate or pan or two. Watching her every movement closely, making sure she had no plan to suddenly attack, She grew quite comfortable on Her stool.

"Still take cream and sugar, right?" Temari asked casually, and She was surprised that Temari remembered what She liked in her coffee. Regardless, She was somehow pleased with Temari's interest in making Her what She wanted. Leaning against the white tiled counter, She smiled lightly as she played with her pale, waist length blonde hair.

"Yeah, thanks."

The two were silent once again until Temari spoke. "Heard what you did to O-Ren. That's some pretty cool shit." She said with a slight chuckle. The thing with Temari was that whenever she was faced with a choice between life and death, she always tried to stay good humored. She kind of hated that about her, but it was still a nice quality when they were working together, She thought.

"And?"

"I dunno, just thought I'd say that. Try to lighten the kinda dark mood."

Raising a slender blonde eyebrow, She looked at her with utter distaste. What kind of person did she think she was? It wasn't like Temari was the one She wanted to kill the most, but with her attitude towards this She was somewhat insulted. Shifting Her position, She glanced at the coffee as it was handed to Her. Muttering a thank you, She let Her hands waver around the warm mug for a few moments before She picked it up and took a small sip of the warm fluid. Dark coffee, just like Temari always liked it. She never really had much of a liking towards the stuff, but She endured it for the most part. However, while Temari wasn't looking, She made a rather disgusted face at the taste of bitterness on Her tongue.

"So I suppose it's a little late to say sorry, huh?" Temari asked sarcastically, smirking a bit out of the rage that was probably building inside Her with that one comment. It was true, She was rather pissed off at Temari for acting this way towards Her revenge, but She ignored it as much as She could.

"You suppose correctly."

"Look, bitch," Temari threatened, slamming her tanned hands down in front of Her, "If I could go back inside a machine, I would, but I can't. I'll have you know I'm a different person now."

"Okay, and I should care why...?" She said with a slight chuckle, cocking Her head in an arrogant manner. Temari turned around for a moment and spun back once again, glaring into Her eyes with raging emotions of anger, hate, and fear.

"Look, if you're going to start any more shit around my baby boy-"

"I won't murder you in front of him, don't worry. You know I wouldn't do that, alright? I'm nicer than you think." She replied smugly, Her pale, long finger gliding around the edge of Her coffee mug.

"You're even less rational than Sasuke said."

"It's mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack, not rationality." The two stared at each other in a mix of hatred and thought, the two emotions swirling equally in each other's minds as they finally looked away, Temari walked towards the counter on the opposite side of the room and leaning against it. Silence engulfed them for a moment or two before the tan, blonde woman spoke again.

"I know I fucked you up, I fucked you up real good and I fucking with I hadn't, but I can't change what I did. You've got every right to get even with me." Temari said, turning to face Her with a serious expression plastered on her face.

"Even?" She asked, looking at Temari with a mix between pity and concern, "Even Steven? Huh. Well, according to what happened in El Paso, I'd have to...kill you, go up and kill Gaara, then wait for your husband to come home, kill him...yeah, that's about what I call even. That's what I call about squared." She finished Her declaration with a movement of Her index finger in the shape of a square. Temari glared harder.

"I don't want your fucking mercy or forgiveness or whatever the fuck you said, but you better fucking reconsider what you're doing," Temari said, walking over to a bulletin board and snatching a picture off of it before confronting Her once again, showing the picture to Her. It was of Gaara, "as my baby boy's gonna be all alone when I'm dead, okay, bitch?"

"Fucking bitch, you can stop what you're trying to do."

Temari looked a little taken aback, as if she hadn't expected Her to say something like that. Apparently Temari thought, Hey, maybe if I flaunt my son in front of Her a little more than she won't kill me. Oh, how wrong is she, She thought.

"Showing me pictures of your freaky son isn't going to get me to sympathize with you and you very well fucking know that."

"Bitch..." Temari muttered through gritted teeth, backing away once again, "So when do we do this, huh? Tonight, tomorrow night, when?"

"How about tonight?"

"Splendid, where?"

"There was a park I passed on the way here-"

"-where I coach I little league team-"

"-I don't fucking care about your stupid motherly ways!" She snapped, pausing again to take a breath. "We'll fight there, all in black. We'll have ourselves a knife fight, okay? Right where all those little boys come and have you teach them how to hit a fucking piece of leather, yeah, that's where you'll die." She finished Her statement with a smirk. Temari chuckled, oddly, and walked over to the cabinet before taking out a box of cereal and beginning to pour it into a bowl, searching some drawers for a spoon or something.

"Haha, very funny bitch." Temari said, looking at Her with an amused look, "Very fucking FUNNY!"

Suddenly, a bullet was fired. She, with Her great reflexes, dodged it in considerable speed and immediately unsheathed Her small knife, hurling it in Temari's direction, only to hit her directly in the chest. Blinking and panting, She looked as Her former companion, gun in hand (which she must have gotten from when she was searching in the drawers) slide down to the ground, a squeaking sound rattling Her ears as Temari's dead body moved against the glass cabinets.

Temari's body hit the ground with a thud.

Walking over, She yanked the knife out of Her former friend's bloodied body, the blade completely bathed in Temari's blood. Standing up slowly, She yanked a white towel from the counter next to Her and slowly began to clean the knife, Her feet crunching on the spilled out cereal. That's when She heard a footstep enter the room.

Immediately looking over to the entrance of the kitchen, She spotted Gaara standing there, completely unmoving by his mother's bloodied corpse on the ground. Silence was clouding the room once more, and as She and he stared at each other, She knew neither one of them wanted to speak. Gulping down a lump in Her throat, She strode over to him and knelt down in front of him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Strangely he didn't move, instead staring into Her blue eyes as She looked into his green. Nodding, she began to speak, "I'm really sorry about all of this, I am." She paused, "But lemme say this. You're mom had it coming."

Standing up, She began to walk out of the kitchen and out of the house, to Her Pussy Wagon and on Her way to kill Budd. But then She stopped, instead looking at him from the arch of the kitchen. "But...but if you still feel like you need to avenge her, that you need revenge...I'll be waiting. I promise you, I'll be waiting."

And with that, The Bride left the house.

Author's Note: Okay, a lot of people that read this are gonna be like, "WTF!" So in case you're wondering, I'll tell you how I managed to make this stupid thing up. I was wathing Kill Bill and I was like, "Omg, this is a really good movie that I've for some reason always watched like, every few weeks. OMG! I love Naruto!" Guess the rest, y'all.

Now let me explain why I chose certain characters to be certain people. xx

OK, I put Sasuke as Bill because, well, it was either Ino or Sakura to be The Bride. And you can probably guess who got the part of The Bride because I said that Sakura was Elle Driver. Well, in case you're wondering, I chose Sakura to be Elle because I think that she's more of a bitch. I don't care if Ino looks more like Elle, I thought Sakura fit her better. I know a ton of you will be like, "OMG U HO!" But I'll be like, "No, no ho." ANYWAYS! Naruto as Budd because of the friendship between him and Sasuke, so yeah. Temari as Vernita Green because...um, I don't know. I didn't want to pick Kin or Tayuya or something, neither did I want to pick a teacher. I know, she's not a 'girl of Naruto', but I couldn't make Tenten it as Tenten isn't important enough. So instead, Tenten will be Sophie. That's right, she'll get her arm cut off. But who cares, it's fucking Tenten. Hinata as O-Ren - I know, what the fuck. I have no idea WHY I chose Hinata to be O-Ren as it was totally random. Well, maybe not. She couldn't be Gogo, Gogo's insane. And she couldn't be The Bride as Naruto can't be Bill. Therefore, O-Ren was left. And I have no idea WHO will be Gogo, so if y'all have suggestions I'd love to here it, let me just say. Oh, and you'll LOVE who's Johnny Mo.

Let me say that I made this humor (even though this really is just Naruto based in Kill Bill) is because just that, it's Naruto based in Kill Bill. I personally find that absolutely HILARIOUS. I mean, I'd love to see all of these stupid twelve year olds as these top of the world assassins that all hate each other. Which leads me to say that Kill Bill isn't that different from Naruto. Oh well, I thought it was at first. Pashaw!

I'm having a lot of fun writing this, so please read and review, it would be a very nice thing to do. The next part will be up in a couple of days, it still needs work. Ok, maybe about a week. Sorry, that is if you like this. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do.