Entry I

Today I saw a Jedi on the train. An actual Jedi! My friends at school wouldn't believe me- no way would a perfect, pristine Jedi be down here. Descending from the graces of their heaven above. But one did. A Togruta girl, maybe about my age. But way stronger.

At first I thought it was the Terrelian who was the Jedi since she was the one who carried a lightsaber. Trust me, they look way cool in person. But, anyways, this Terrelian Jango Jumper took two other passengers right from the seats in front of me. My heart was pounding. Like I knew was about to witness something bad.

I'd taken the train my whole life to get to school, but nothing like this had ever happened before. I mean, I knew lots of people who'd been mugged getting off, but never had someone been taken hostage like this!

The Jedi looked mad, hot in pursuit. I didn't think Jedi were supposed to look that way. I always thought of them as gracefully moving, untouchable, taciturn creatures. Almost like they were too saintly, too pure to touch. You could only see them. But that Togruta Jedi couldn't have been much older than myself. And… she was real. Flesh, blood, movement, even emotions. For a moment, it felt like she was just one of us. A regular person.

I remember back when I was little, I used to say I wanted to be a Jedi when I grew up. I think we all did at one point. My whole class did! We go through fazes; wanting to be a Jedi, wanting to be a racer, a pilot, even a clone trooper. It's so easy to believe in things like that when you're young. The galaxy is yours and it always seems new. It's safe and snug, full of dreams and all manners of life. You can be anything you want to be.

And then one day you can't.

One day you just grow up, and you don't realize that you have until you suddenly catch yourself using past-tense to describe your dreams.

You learn more about the war and then you find out that clones are bred, and you're not one of them. You see the dangers and the underbelly of being a racer, and you can't disappoint your parents. You hear about cargo ships being hit by smugglers or boarded by mercenaries, or they're caught in Separatist blockades, and you're suddenly scared to become a pilot. Fear suddenly means something to you. Like you're only now understanding that you are not invincible. You are no Jedi.

You don't feel the so-called force the way the Jedi do. You were not chosen. You are not sensitive enough or strong enough or gifted enough. Or whatever it is that makes a Jedi a Jedi.

You're not special enough to become a Jedi.

So you just… grow up unspecial. Normal. You stop believing in all the things that came so naturally to you as a kid. Mom says that's just how it is. When we're not force wielders or wealthy senators or even faraway royalty, we don't get to believe as much. That's a luxury we can't yet afford. We simply do what we have to in order to make it during these turbulent times. Maybe after the war we'll get to dream.

At any rate, I really didn't want this first entry to sound so grim. I'm not like that- really!

It's just… well… seeing that young Togruta Jedi today really made me think about things. Like, why is she she and I'm just… me? Is it really fair? When the war is won and the galaxy is at peace, would you find her name listed among the heroes in our history lessons? Would you know her story and would you somehow care because you hear of her strength and her special-ness? Why not the stories of the people the war is allegedly fought "in the name of?"

We are just "the people." A conglomerate group of nameless stories. She is special. And though I didn't get to learn her name on the train today after she saved the hostage and won her applause, I'm sure history will give her a name anyways. I'm sure I'll get to learn all about her in the future.

So I wanted to put this out there. Even if only a handful of people read this. I know I'm no war hero or senator. But I am alive and I am still a part of this war. I want to be special too. I want the galaxy to have some memory of me. So... here I am.