Title: In Which Kirk's Declared a Whore and Chekov Doesn't Want to Die a Virgin

Summary: This was inspired by a prompt in st_xi_kink that went like this: "The whole crew freaks when Chekov comes to the bridge one morning with red spots on his pretty milky-white face, fearing he has contracted some freaky alien disease. Kirk sends him to medbay to see McCoy---turns out he's suffering an outbreak of teenage ACNE. He is seventeen, after all. McCoy grumbles, gives him some Clearasil, and sends him on his way." This is the story that was produced from that.

******

Kirk had just arrived on the Bridge early in the morning to find one of his officers missing for duty.

"Sulu, where's Chekov?"

"I don't know sir, he never reported for duty. I haven't seen him all morning." Kirk frowned at this, knowing the young ensign to be dependable in arriving on time. Turning to Spock, he offered his first officer a slight frown, which was returned with a quizzical uplifted eyebrow.

"Uhura, can you please go check Ensign Chekov's quarters and see what has prevented his arrival?" Uhura, annoyed at being removed from her post, curtly nodded before getting out of her seat to leave the bridge. Waiting in front of the lift's doors to open, she managed a, "OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!", causing everyone to whip around and see what had caused the disturbance.

Standing before Uhura was a very distraught and tearful Chekov, attempting to cover his face with what seemed to be a scarf and heavy amounts of powder. Kirk strode forward, his eyes widening the closer he got to the young Russian.

"Chekov, what happened to you?! You look like…well, have you been to sickbay?"

Chekov could only shake his head in a negative and bow his head down miserably. "Keptin, I don't want to die!! I am only sewenteen!!! I'm too young. Vhat vill mama and papa say?! Vhat vill you tell them!?" Chekov had become hysterical and Sulu had strode forward, about to rub a soothing hand on the young man's back before thinking twice about it and deciding that standing near him would be enough to demonstrate his moral support in these hard times.

"Captain, may I recommend that Doctor McCoy immediately be summoned to diagnose Mr. Chekov here so that treatment can begin immediately? I'm afraid I am unfamiliar with what could be wrong with the ensign. It seems logical to contact the doctor so that more experienced personnel can address this issue." Kirk followed Spock's recommendation, summoning the doctor. The urgency in his voice prevented the normal bickering that usually occurred between the two, showing just how serious the situation was.

While waiting for the doctor, the various crew members on the bridge attempted to figure out just what was wrong with Chekov for themselves.

Spock: Studied Silence

Sulu: "Cellular degeneration?"

Kirk: "Did you sleep with anyone on the last planet we were on? Maybe I should get myself checked out…" This led to glares from the bridge crew and a pointed look from Spock.

Uhura: "Andorian shingles?"

Chekov exploded with a stilted sob. "NOOOOOOO!!! I can't die!!!! I am steel a Wirgen!!!!! Zeese can't be happening to meeee!!! The keptin is ze whore of ze sheep, vhy does he not have ze shingles?" Turning to the captain, Chekov resorted to his native Russian: "Blyadischa!!" Realizing what had just burst out from his mouth, the young ensign's eyes widened, though only Kirk seemed to be insulted. Sulu could only somberly nod in agreement while Uhura responded with a vigorous "RIGHT?!" before quickly quieting down after the seething look from the captain, and even Spock gave a slight nod in acknowledgement to this passionate statement.

Chekov's sobs erupted again just as McCoy made his way into the bridge.

"What in the stars name is goin on in here?!" The different crew members all responded at once:

"It's Chekov!"

"He's dying!"

"HIS FACE!"

*silence from Spock*

"Step aside!" McCoy made his way to Chekov, frowning once he stood before the young man. "What on God's green Earth did you put on your face?" Chekov mumbled, though McCoy still understood.

"Powder? What were you trying to do, escape death?! Hide from it?" At this, Chekov's eyes widened.

"Zen eet eez true? I am dying?! GOVNO!!!!!" Uhura raised her eyebrows, though the others did not seem to notice the boy cussing in Russian.

"No, you're not dying! Will you calm down, Kid? Take this junk off yur face and let me get a better look." Chekov responded by using the scarf he had used to previously hide his face to wipe the make-up off. A moment after this had been done and Bones had taken a good look at his face, he only provided an exasperated sigh before mumbling about kids these days jumping to conclusions and how it was all space's fault for causing unnecessary panic.

"Kid, you're fine. You're not suffering from any foreign diseases from another planet. You have acne vulgaris, which, while not as common anymore, is still found in humans your age. Follow me to sickbay and I'll get you some medicine." Everyone gave Bones a blank stare, demanding more answers.

"Bones, what the hell is agnes vul….canitis?" Though the others rolled their eyes (sans Spock) at Kirk's horrendous attempt at pronouncing the disease, they all stayed silent, waiting for more.

"Dammit Jim I'm a doctor, not your personal encyclopedia! All you need to know is that the kid is fine and will be back in 20 minutes to report for duty." Bones attempted to walk to the lift with Chekov, but Kirk refused this simplistic explanation.

"Bones, as captain of this ship, I demand you give me a better response. I need to know why my officer thought he was dying!"

"Jim, as doctor of this ship, I have something called doctor-patient confidentiality! Now leave it alone! I've already told you enough. You want to know more, go look it up!"

"BONES!..."

"DAMMIT JIM, IT'S ACNE!!! ALRIGHT?! ACNE. AS IN CLOGGED AND INFECTED PORES THAT RESULT IN SMALL PUS POCKETS THAT COVER YOUR ENTIRE FACE, SOMETIMES YOUR BACK, AND OTHER PLACES OF YOUR BODY. THE CAUSE OF SHAME AND HUMILATION FOR 25% OF HUMAN TEENAGERS ON EARTH. THE BANE OF PEOPLE'S EXISTENCE. HAPPY?! IS THAT ENOUGH INFORMATION FOR YOU, OR SHALL I GO ON?!"

The silence on the bridge was deafening.

"Oh." Jim shifted awkwardly, embarrassed to have pushed Bones so hard. But none were more embarrassed than Chekov, who was currently choking on his own spit and turning beet red from the outburst.

"Oh is right. Come on Ensign, let me get you some Clearasil and you can be on your merry way." At this, Chekov could only groan and place his face in his hands, following the doctor out of the bridge.

The others stood awkwardly on the bridge, not sure how to react to the last 5 minutes.

"Well…." Sulu attempted, though stopped after no one followed up with a response.

Kirk coughed. "Yeah, uh, back to your stations, everyone." The others listened, still a bit silent and embarrassed over their overreaction to the morning's events (Minus Spock, who find the reaction of the crew to be logical in their investigation of the cause of Chekov's illness).

True to Bones' word, less than 20 minutes later Chekov was back and reporting for duty, albeit with much less of an entrance than the last time. Still beet red, the Russian sat down and focused on his work. Ten minutes of silence followed.

"So, Chekov, you're still a virgin?"

Chekov faceplanted on his work station while the others told Kirk to shut up in a way that was allowable towards a captain of Star Fleet, while Spock gave Kirk a disapproving look.

"s'okay, next time we land on a planet, I'll help a fellow officer out, if you know what I mean. Scout the ladies out."

The mumbled word of "Blyadischa" was the only one heard from Chekov's station for the following hour after that.

~FIN~

Mini glossary:
Blyadischa = whore
Govno = shit

^__^

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS! I HAD A LOT OF FUN WRITING IT, SO I HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING IT JUST AS MUCH. DROP ME A COMMENT IF YOU FEEL INCLINED TO DO SO. =]