A/N: This was supposed to be for a FanFic competition (with the theme Through the Darkness), but I ended up going over the word count by more than 2,000 words so I decided to use it as a full FanFic instead. :D It's an AU Kandrew 'fic, with events based around Kim's decision to take Grace. It'll make more sense if you just read it.
Song lyrics, in this order, are:
Oh Yoko! John Lennon
Teen Angst Unrequited Love Song – Killing Heidi
Can't Fight The Moonlight – LeAnn Rimes
Existentialism On Prom Night – Straylight Run
What Sarah Said – Death Cab For Cutie
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Waterloo Road belongs to its producers and the likes, as do the song lyrics used in this fanfic.
Memories
She lies on her side, staring out of the window into the night. Darkness envelops her, cloaking her body like a protective lover. The house is silent; nothing but the blissfully even breathing issuing from the bed in the corner of the room can be heard; Grace is in a peaceful repose. The curtains are wide open, letting the moonlight spill like blood from a wound onto the checked duvet. The coldness snakes its way under the bedding, its icy fingers gently skimming over the flesh that isn't covered by her girlish pyjamas.
His side of the bed is still empty.
Determinedly she rolls over, closes her eyes. She needs sleep.
In the middle of the night I call your name…
"Don't make this any harder than it has to be."
"Make this any harder? How the hell can I make this any harder! I'm not the one whose about to throw my life away. For God's sake, there's nothing you can do for her!"
"This is something I can do for her!"
"No it's not Kim! Taking a child away from its parents is not something that should be done at all, most certainly not by a woman who barely knows the family!"
Anger flared up inside her, as fiery as the devil's. She yanked her wrist out of his grasp, rounded on him with rage burning in her dark eyes.
"What the hell do you know?" she sneered, glaring at him distastefully. "You don't know what Kahika has to go through every day. The way that animal beats her and her children…she doesn't want Grace to go through that too, and neither do I. I have to get Grace away, surely you can see that?"
"I'm not condoning Waushi's behaviour," Andrew said at once, "But taking the baby isn't going to solve anything; it's going to make matters worse. Just give her to me, and we can talk about this inside."
She positioned herself firmly between the carrier with the baby inside and Andrew. Grace was watching the scene unfold in front of her with wide, innocent eyes. She didn't understand; the pain, the tears, the heartache, they were just unfathomable mysteries that unfurled and reared their heads, destroying everything in their way.
Kim was glad the baby couldn't understand.
Andrew was taking a deep breath now, obviously trying to control his temper; she was deriving some fierce pleasure from his annoyance. It was his turn to feel the hopelessness, the way she had done when she'd tried to raise her concerns with him, and he'd been too busy with his schooling plans to take any notice…
For a moment they just stared at each other.
Then the spluttering of a dying engine shattered the humid air and Kim turned quickly, snatching up her suitcase and Grace's carrier, making a dash for the ancient car which had parked itself on the outskirts of the dusty little Rwandan community. Andrew was at her heels, spouting some rubbish, statistics…she closed her eyes to his intrusive voice. They arrived at the car and she tugged the rusting door open, shoved her case on the floor, buckled Grace into the backseat.
"Kim will you please just listen to me?" Andrew said, frustrated, catching her arm again. "You're angry, I can see that, but running away never solves anything-"
"No, you listen to me," she snapped, pulling herself free from his grasp and poking him hard in the chest for emphasis. "Grace needs me and it's as simple as that."
"Nothing is as simple as that Kim; you know it as well as I do!"
She continued to glare at him, her brain working overtime. There was no way Andrew was going to let her go without a fight – whether it was for her sake or Grace's or his own, she didn't know. All she knew was that she had to get away, run as far as possible. England was her destination, and she wasn't going to let anything, or indeed anyone, get in her way.
Whatever the consequences on her heart, she had to get away.
"Maybe," she chose her words with careful deliberation, bracing herself for the inevitable pain to come. "Maybe you're not the man I fell in love with, Andrew. Maybe I don't like who you've become."
His eyes widened incredulously, and he staggered backwards, as though he had been physically wounded. She had to close her eyes, block out the terrible scene.
It didn't stop her heart from cracking.
"Kim," he lowered his voice to a soft murmur, pleading reason evident in his tone, the same tone he used when becalming a hysterical child at the school. "I'm not the one who's changed. It doesn't have to be this way. Just give her back to her family and we'll talk things through. We'll find a way to sort this out, make some sort of policy for her…"
"A policy isn't going to stop her father from destroying her life," she retorted.
"So what, you thought you could cut and run and no one would notice? Kim, the family will notice within the hour, Grace's father will be furious…it's barbaric!"
"That's why," she said, somehow keeping the quiver from her voice, "If you love me at all, you won't say a word to anyone."
She heard his sharp intake of breath, knew she had hit a raw spot; it was obvious what he would do. How many times had he sacrificed things for her sake, never thinking of himself? She knew now was one of those times.
"Don't come looking for me," she told him as she heaved herself in beside Grace. He merely stared, dumbfounded. "I'm just doing what I have to do."
"Please Kim," he said softly. "Don't do this. I love you."
For that instance she felt her resolve wavering, and she did the only thing she could to stop herself from staying. She turned her back.
And broke her heart.
"You're not the man I fell in love with," she repeated harshly, blinking away the tears she could feel welling up in her eyes. "And I just don't love you anymore. I've tried, but I can't stay."
"You don't mean that," he whispered, shaking his head vehemently, as though trying to eradicate her last words from his memory.
Time couldn't be turned back.
She'd made her decision; now she had to stick to it.
"Just go," she said. "I don't want to be with you anymore. Never again. Never contact me. Just stay away. Grace is my priority now."
The engine revved to life as she buckled herself into the car. He was still shaking his head, stunned into silence. She forced herself to stare straight ahead, afraid of the shimmering in his eyes.
The car lurched forward and they trundled off. The future was beginning for her.
She could not resist one last glance into the past.
He was still stood there, shivering as though it wasn't forty odd degrees.
Now she couldn't stop the tears from flowing, flowing freely down her face. Little Grace gurgled happily beside her, oblivious to Kim's inner turmoil and pain.
Her time with Andrew lived only in memory now.
She buried her face in her hands and cried.
She couldn't know that a thousand feet and a hundred memories behind Andrew had adopted the exact same position.
"Kim…"
"The darkness had claimed another victim.
She opens her eyes, heart hammering. For a moment she feels panicked, disorientated; she has travelled those millions of miles back to a haunting life that doesn't exist, is standing outside a stuffy little shanty hut, breaking their hearts all over again.
The darkness is suffocating, grabbing her by the neck with tenacious fingers, refusing to let go.
Like her heart.
Her bed is still empty.
Sometimes she imagines she can feel his body beside her, recalls the way he would shyly rest his hands on her hips while they laid together.
She tries to forget about the way it had felt to be in his arms.
Grace tosses relentlessly in her bed, whimpering; Kim can't tear her eyes away from the iridescent moon. She knows she should get up, make sure she is alright. But she can't. The darkness is holding her fast.
In the middle of a dream I call your name…
The room was quiet and dark. Nothing moved. She sat cross legged on the floor of the little shanty hut, suitcases piled around her, baby Grace's carrier balanced on her lap. Every so often she glanced at the watch on her wrist, straining to see the time through the dark. She was due to depart for England – and safety – anytime now. Andrew was still out doing his rounds of the small community – it was risky but she hoped she could get away before he returned. She'd left him a note on the rickety chair in the corner; it explained that she simply couldn't cope with the strain of Rwanda anymore. Was it the right thing to do? She wasn't so sure, but she knew she'd never be able to lie to him. He deserved better than that. He deserved the truth.
Well, perhaps not the whole truth; she couldn't tell him that she was running with Grace. He wouldn't understand.
To be honest, she wasn't quite sure she understood it either. But it was Kahika's wish. She hadn't been able to say no when she'd asked her: who could deny the request of a dying woman?
A month ago, Kahika had lowered her voice and invited Kim into her own personal hell, full of stories where her absent husband beat her so badly that she begged for the mercy of death, beat her four children until they whimpered for the same. And she was powerless to do anything about it. All she knew was that she was determined not to allow her innocent little daughter to experience a life of terror like hers.
Sitting with Kahika while the shadows lengthened outside, Kim had been subjected to the tales of horror no woman should ever have to go through. The beatings. The rapes. Yet, despite everything, Kahika's eyes still shone with devotion whenever she spoke of her husband. She did not fear for her own life. She did not fear for her four older children, to some extent. What she did care about was the fate of her baby daughter, helpless Grace. She did not want her tainted, seen as damaged goods. The only way to avoid this was to run, for as long and hard as possible.
But Kahika could not break free of the chains which bound her irrevocably to Waushi.
Perhaps she didn't want to.
All that she knew was that she wanted Grace away from it all. She could not take her – Kim could.
Kim had been powerless to object.
So here she was, squashed in her little front room, waiting for the hands of the clock to seal her destiny.
As much as it pained her to admit it, she didn't really want to leave Andrew. The number of arguments between them had increased since she'd learned of Kahika's life, and there were some nights when they even slept apart – Andrew on the futon, Kim on the makeshift bed – but he was the only man who possessed the power of making her heart beat painfully fast in her chest just by being in the same room. Everything about him excited and aggravated her. It had always been that way with them. His pompous nature had exasperated her on countless occasions, yet she knew that it was a huge part of him which she would never change. Without even realising it she was in tune with his moods; she knew that when his eyes clouded over he was remembering a dark time of the past, when his eyes glowed he was happy beyond belief. She knew all of his faults, all of his weaknesses. And she loved him for them.
Yes, Kim Campbell was in love with the man she'd sworn she'd never fancy. The world doth move in mysterious ways and all that.
But now she had to sacrifice for Grace, and unfortunately it was her relationship that had to take the bullet. If she allowed herself to properly think about what she was doing and what she was giving up, she'd have to admit that she'd never have chosen to leave. True, there had been explosive arguments recently but the good times they'd shared, the memories of gentle lovemaking and uncontrollable laughter, more than made up for it.
Still, she knew she was doing the right thing for Grace, and no amount of anything was going to change that. She'd had a life before Andrew. All she had to do was build a new one after him. It was possible. She could do it.
It was time to go.
At least, that was what she thought until Andrew came bursting into the room."Kim, the most amazing – hang on, why are the lights off?"
Kim's heart sank as she closed her eyes and composed herself. She'd wanted to leave without him knowing, causing him as little pain as she could. Seeing as little pain as she could.
Now it was too late.
"What are you doing?" the smile on Andrew's face faded as his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he began fumbling for the light switch.
She prepared herself for the argument that would inevitably follow.
These broken dreams are driving her mad. Kim's eyes bolt open again, mouth dry.
She is back in a familiar time. There are no whispers of a time forgotten. Just the still sweet snuffles of her baby. She is shivering now, her body convulsing as the bitter cold snaps at her exposed flesh. She stares up at the ceiling, screws up her eyes. She wants to forget. Wants to forget so badly. But she can't. Every little detail of their life – good and bad – is being dragged up from hell by the devil himself.
She closes her eyes again, tries to block out the omnipotent night. Through the darkness she can feel the presence of their memories, torturing her with their astringent song.
And she is powerless to resist them.
You make me want you so bad…
"I love you," he told her nervously, and in that nanosecond her life was complete. She'd been waiting months to hear those words issuing from his mouth. It finally meant that she could admit the same thing to him without her having to make the first move.
She whispered those four important words back in his ear and watched his face light up. He took her hand, entwining their fingers, and led her into the bedroom.
After the act they lay panting in each other's arms. The night was beginning to creep in through the window, casting intrusive shadows around the tiny room. There was no breeze to dry the sweat which cloaked their bodies.
Kim stared into Andrew's eyes, smiling slightly when he reached up to brush a strand of her wild hair out of her face.
"I do love you, you know," he said softly.
She smirked, delicately running a hand down his chest. "I know, Mr Treneman. You told me yourself not three hours ago."
He shrugged, sighing softly when her fingers reached his stomach. "Well, I wanted to drill the point home. You have the habit of not listening to me, after all."
"Well, I did hear you," she told him smartly. "Although it doesn't hurt to hear it again."
Contented silence.
"I just want everything to be perfect for us," he admitted quietly. "We've wasted enough of our time arguing, don't you think?"
"I'm inclined to agree with you there."
His tone turned slightly desperate. "I want us to start afresh, with a clean slate. Just you and I, with no one getting in our way."
"Well…" she pretended to mull it over before pulling him on top of her. "I guess we could give it a go…starting now."
As he claimed her mouth as his own, Kim made the silent pledge to work tirelessly for the perfection Andrew wanted. He was right; they'd wasted enough time hating. Now was the time for love.
Everything would be perfect.
Two weeks later, she met baby Grace.
She wishes she could just tear those memories out of her head, start afresh. But she can't. She is desperate. Desperate to forget. Her thoughts are coming shorter and faster now; she doesn't know which ones to listen to, which ones to discard.
Please, please go away…
The memories do not heed.
They seek her out through the darkness, forcing her to remember.
You can't fight it…it's gonna get to your heart.
"If you go ahead with this," Waushi Demagori said, his voice soft and deadly. "I promise you that you will regret it for the rest of your life."
Kim's hands began to shake slightly; she hid this fact by wrapping them around Andrew's back and standing closer to him. In turn he let his hold on her waist tighten. They were a united nation.
"This is your last chance," he told them again. "You go ahead with the adoption tomorrow, and it will be the worst mistake you could possibly ever make."
He made to come past, but Kim blocked his way, and Andrew laid a warning hand on his arm.
"I think it's best that you leave now Waushi," he said quietly. "You're making a scene."
"A scene?" Waushi's mouth twisted bitterly, a mirthless laugh gripping his throat. "Brother, you don't know the meaning of the word. If you don't give me my daughter back I'll show you how to make a real scene."
He tried to push past Kim again, but she defiantly stopped him with a glare. "You're not coming anywhere near Grace. The courts ruled against you. Grace is in better hands now."
The corners of Waushi's mouth curled cruelly. "I suggest, Miss Campbell, that you move right now. Things will not be pretty for you if you don't."
"Do your worst," she retorted, spinning round and pulling Andrew with her. "You've lost."
The door was shut in his face with a decisive click. Waushi's face contorted with rage as he stalked angrily back down the street.
Kim Campbell and her boyfriend had just made the biggest mistakes of their lives. He'd tried to warn them. He'd even thought that Andrew would listen to him; he'd thought that that man had more sense. Alas. It wasn't to be.
"Do your worst," Miss Campbell had challenged him, and Waushi Demagori was not one to back down.
They wouldn't be able to fight it. And Campbell would be left wishing she'd never uttered those fateful words.
Their hearts would be destroyed.
Because Waushi Demagori did not like to lose.
She is not ready for the onslaught of tears which threaten to engulf her entire being. His ghost is next to her, she can feel it; his breath is on her neck, a constant reminder of a past she shouldn't have. It is a reminder of what she has lost for her selfish gain, a terrible souvenir of the future she will never have.
Time is said to heal all wounds, but for Kim Campbell, time has only made it worse.
You would kill for this, you would, you would…
They were cuddled up on the sofa together, adopting the same comfortable position they did every night: Andrew with his arm around Kim, Kim with his head on her shoulder and baby Grace fast asleep in the cot upstairs. Every now and then one of them would get up to check on their sleeping angel; she was always in a peaceful repose.
All was right in the world.
Until that night at least.
Because it was that night which tore them apart for good.
"Marry me." The request came so suddenly that for a moment she could do nothing but stare rather gormlessly. Murder, She Wrote was still playing in the background; it seemed to melt into nothing as she searched his eyes for a hint of jest.
There wasn't one.
So it was with a huge grin and an inconspicuous tear in her eye that she made him the happiest man alive with one word.
"Yes."
If only she'd known then what she knew now.
It is strange really. She has given up trying to sleep, is sat with her back against the heartless wall, knees drawn up to her chin. She tries to seek comfort in the little bundle in the bed, but she can't. Not on this night. Not on the anniversary.
Fifteen minutes had changed the course of her life.
So who's gonna watch you die?
It was the knock on the door that changed their lives irreparably.
Andrew rolled over, blinking blearily, reluctant to answer, frowning slightly as he took note of the time.
Twelve. Strange hour for a visitor.
"Get them to call back another day," Kim murmured sleepily as she pulled Andrew back for a last kiss.
He responded, snaking his arms round her waist. "I will do. Keep the bed warm for me."
She watched him slide out of bed, a contented smile on her face, then she stretched and buried her head in the pillow. She heard him make his way downstairs, keys jingling as he unlocked the door. His muffled voice was the next thing she heard, then a bang.
Nothing else.
Heart hammering, she sat bolt upright, fumbling desperately for her dressing gown. She flung it over her naked form, scrambled out of bed. On the way down the landing she poked her head in on baby Grace.
She began to cry.
"Shh, honey, I'll be back in a minute," she whispered through the darkness, before closing her eyes and continuing downstairs. She wished her heart would stop pounding painfully hard in her chest. She felt sick.
The door was wide open when she finally made her way into the hall. The hammering of her heart intensified, the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach spread.
"Andrew?" her voice was small and childlike. Panic clawed its way up her throat, threatening to tear her in two.
As she stepped outside, the first thing she noticed was the blood.
Blood. Everywhere.
Her eyes couldn't take it all in at once, and she called his name again, "Andrew?"
No answer.
That was when she saw him.
He was collapsed outside on the path, shaking hands clutching his stomach. Blood – Christ, so much blood – seeped from between his fingers. There was fear, cold, paralysing fear, in his eyes.
That was what scared her more than anything else.
"Andrew!" she screamed again, grabbing her mobile from the stand in the hallway and rushing outside. "Shit, shit, shit…" she continued to mutter the string of obscenities, more out of terror than anything else, as she dialled nine-nine-nine and hysterically tried to explain the situation. There was a knock and Andrew answered and Andrew was injured and there was blood – did she see what happened; no she was upstairs and Christ would they please hurry up because he was bleeding everywhere and she didn't know what to do and now he was coughing up blood and Jesus Christ just send someone out to see him urgently…
She gave her address as quickly as she could and disconnected the call, trying not to let the overwhelming wave of fear take over her. His eyes were still wide and shocked, and he opened his mouth to speak, but no coherent words could be formed.
"Calm down," she told him as soothingly as possible, whilst inside she was anything but calm herself, "Calm down, the ambulance will be here soon, everything will be OK…"
A bloodied hand found hers and he clutched it tightly, as though drawing strength from it. His mouth worked desperately to try to form words. A bubble of blood popped.
And over the wail of the sirens he said one final thing, "Only ever…you…"
And with the wail of the sirens she knew she'd lost him.
She had never realised at the time that when she'd challenged Waushi to do his worst, he'd actually take her up on it. Waushi had told her she would regret it, and now his words come back to haunt her: she regrets it every day of her life. Andrew is no longer a part of her life, because of one stupid mistake that had happened all those years ago. She still doesn't regret taking Grace per se (she has given the baby a better life and she loves her more than anything else) but in hindsight, perhaps she should've thought it through a little more. If she could have the time again, she wonders, would she have chosen a different path? Would choosing a different path have changed the course of destiny? Would she still have Andrew?
Andrew's killer has never been caught. Kim is sure it was Waushi that cold night two years ago, but with no proof and with his sudden disappearance into the darkness, the police have been unable to do anything about it. She'd sat at her lover's funeral, tears streaming down her face, Grace in her arms, and stared straight ahead. Nothing had sunken in. Even now she is still sure that at any moment he will walk in banging on about another new initiative he has in mind. She'd wasted so much time hating him; her time spent loving him has been cruelly cut short.
She still thinks about him every day, and she doubts that will ever change. How can one move on from the death of a loved one if that loved one is the only one she's been able to trust?
The darkness closes in on her, suffocating her senses.
Grace begins to cry.
And Kim Campbell sits there, listening to his voice through the darkness.
A/N: There you go. :) I hope you enjoyed it. Please Read and Review, even if you hated it! :)