You Just Liked Me More
Rated E+
Summary: Dolores Umbridge discusses the infamous "Mary Sue." Warning: May cause you to throw your computer out the window.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else.
AN: Give thanks to Rikku for beta-editing it, otherwise this oneshot wouldn't have its punch.
Dolores taps on the screen to get your attention. CLANK CLANK!
She then hops to the middle of the screen - like a big fat toad. "Hello, there," she begins giggling. "Dear fanfiction reader. I just so happen to know that you all like me more as a character. Why? Because of Mary Sue, in all of her perfection. She gets sorted into Gryffindor or Slytherin, wearing her – OH, I don't know what you call those clothes,…"Goth"…or maybe some Twentieth to Twenty-first century scantily clad attire…or any other clothing not part of the Hogwarth's dress code." She pauses. "Yes, her - her only purpose is to fulfill her creator's most important sick fantasy – whether it be to seduce innocent children or the entirety of the teacher board."
Umbridge waits, her eyebrows wiggling in delight as her tongue slithers around the corners of her mouth, as if tasting the discomfort in the air. "Yes, I've seen those multi-color eyes which change from the lightest of reds to the deepest of violets. And I've seen her impersonation of the boy wonder, Harry Potter, his two followers, - mainly that muggle girl. – Oh, wait!" Umbridge cries out, "Her story is that she is a pureblood, part-veela, part-whatever. – And that's not even all of it." She makes a giggle worthy of sending even the most robust stomachs churning. "Even though she is after all of the students and teachers, she claims to be related to these same students and teachers, or even England's most wanted, or even…" Umbridge heaves, on the verge of making, even herself sick, "muggles! - She is an exchange student from America or Japan or Atlantis! She has powers oozing from every orifice, conveniently able to transform into any creature she wishes. Sometimes she may even claim to have had a teaching job from her old school - as if that's even possible."
The Senior Under-Secretary then pales as she remembers. "Oh, and how memorable her ridiculously long names are - which ironically enough, none of us can even remember! - and her severe depression or bubbly happiness, and lastly, her ability to either save the world or becoming Second in Command to You-Know-Who.- at her convenience of course." Umbridge looks so terrified at this point that it goes unsaid that she is refusing to even mention the worst crossover Sues: Lord of the Rings, Twilight, and any other fandom her demented creator finds joy in butchering.
She grins, her wicked teeth oozing from under her lips, as she waits for the reactions.
"This just concludes my theory that I have finally found one person you all like less than me." She pauses to catch her breath. "Bye now." With a fat wink she skips to the right, as reminiscent of a toad as ever.
The End