(Disclaimer: I don't own anything mentioned in this. All copyrights reserved to their respective owners. Owners? Who am I kidding? All copyrights reserved to Nintendo.)
(AN: Sorry if this seems to ramble about – the words just flowed out of my fingers and onto the computer screen. This is pure literary genius right here, unfiltered by foolish things like a coherent plot or developed characters.)
PROLOGUE TO THE PROLOGUE: IN WHICH PEOPLE ARE HIT ON, CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE OUTED (ALTHOUGH, COME ON, IS "OUTED" REALLY THE RIGHT WORD WHEN THEY ONLY HAD ONE FOOT IN THE METAPHORICAL CLOSET IN THE FIRST PLACE?), AND GENERAL ROMANTIC DISCUSSION OCCURS
ONE DAY, IN THE BIG MIDDLE ROOM THING OF SMASH MANSION, ABOUT TEA TIME
The gentlemen and ladies currently occupying the Smash Mansion reclined on their fancy leather sofas and drank of the finest wine like the capitalist pigs they were, occasionally taking bites out of the mountains of caviar generously provided for them by an array of lesser video game mascots* and speaking up to discuss whatever they damn well felt like.
*The Hand brothers can afford all this because, to make a long story short, they detached themselves from the stumps of John D. Rockefeller in 1893 and absconded with his massive fortune, taking it upon themselves to put all the important Nintendo characters (and Sonic, because he forced them to at gunpoint) in a big house and make them fight to the death, because Crazy filled out the paperwork while Master wasn't watching and bought the mansion – however, you probably already knew this. (AN: footnotes in the middle of the text FTW!)
"I'll rack up your Nintendogs trainer points…in bed," said Wolf O'Donnell to the newly promoted Sgt. First Class Douglas Hofstader Horatio-Smythe, known to his friends as Pit. "Not now, Wolf! There are people around and bestiality is illegal – I'd get kicked off the force! Plus you know I'm taken." whispered Pit in reply. Wolf shrugged his shoulders at this refusal. "All right then. Don't come crying to me when that shitty-ass thing you call a boyfriend runs right into my sexy, manly arms tomorrow."
"So did I tell you guys about my girlfriend?" ventured Popo. "Her name is Jessica, and she's a supermodel – she says she likes a man who can climb ice. I tried to set up a date with her tonight, so excuse me if I leave partway through this shebang – I'll be having hot sexy sex with a beautiful woman, unlike literally everyone else here."
"Pika pi pika Pikachu!" exclaimed Pikachu, which Red helpfully translated as "But Pikachu sleeps on a big pile of money and makes love to beautiful women constantly!"
"Shut up, Pikachu. Nobody likes you," retorted Popo (at which point Pikachu began to fill with CRAZY THUNDER RAGE). "And seriously, who among us is a heterosexual male and/or lesbian? I mean, come on, there can't be that many people here who don't like dicks – I've read the fanfictions." Ike, Ganondorf, Wario, Link, Fox, the Mario brothers, King Dedede, Kirby, Yoshi, Pikachu, Snake, Captain Falcon, Red, ROB, Olimar, Lucario, Sonic, and Popo himself raised their hands (or whatever equivalent thing they had). Marth said some phrase in Japanese. "It means 'the cherry blossom flowers in spring, and also I am heterosexual'," offered Ike.
"Wait, Link, you're straight? You're the single gayest thing I've ever seen!" remarked Yoshi upon seeing that his green friend's hand was up. "Hey, man, just because I wear earrings and a skirt and have long hair and am hip to the latest fashion trends doesn't mean I'm gay!" answered the Hylian hero.
"Dude, we share a room." said Yoshi. "I've seen the magazines you read – I haven't seen so many dicks since we were all at that Romney fundraiser with Jimmy Carter's grandson." Most of the gang murmured in agreement about that fateful day as Link's cheeks flushed red. "Those magazines are for research purposes only! I'm majoring in…uh…the psychology of the human penis! At Yale!" "Sure thing, buddy, and I'm the queen of England." witticized (which is a word now) his opponent.
"You know what, Yoshi? Fuck you. Fuck your goddamn transvestite girlfriend too. And while I'm on the subject of fucking people, Pit, I've never liked how your bow splits in half. That's an abomination if I ever saw one!" Link's eyes were wet with tears of shame and embarrassment as he sullenly sulked away from the party-thing.
On his way back to a lonely existence of drinking and shooting up heroin, the green-tuniced (which is also a word, despite what Microsoft 2010 thinks) hero passed by the room his protégé shared with those two boys his age (Less and Nucas? No, that can't be right) with whom he did everything. His hand was on the doorknob when he read the scribbled sign, in English, Hylian, and Mandarin Chinese, reading "DO NOT DISTURB ADVENTURE IN PROGRESS." "Well, then, I'd best leave them be," said Link to no one in particular, heading off to his room.
PROLOGUE: IN WHICH WACKY ADVENTURES COME TO A CLOSE (THAT'S ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME) AND ALSO A BODY IS FOUND, JESUS, MOOD WHIPLASH ANYONE?
MEANWHILE, IN THE LANDS BEYOND THE DORM ROOM DOOR
Ness spat out some seawater as the three boys (and Diddy Kong, whom they had invited to play with them that day IN A DECISION THAT WOULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES) clung for dear life onto the last remaining part of what used to be the King of Red Lions. "Captain's log, star date a few days after the crash. Today we cast lots to determine whom to eat. Then Lucas pointed out that we could just eat Diddy Kong because people in the Philippines do it all the time or something. I told him goddammit why don't you move to the Philippines if you like it so much you fucking idiot because random chance is the only fair way, But Ness and Lucas had already killed Diddy Kong and ate most of the tasty flesh by the time I started losing my voice."
Toon Link's recording of the voyages of the recently re-named S.S. Toon Link Is Awesome Lucas Is Gay were promptly interrupted by Ness piping up "Hey, Toony, can you stop with this 'captain's log' stuff? It's getting annoying, and I'm kinda sick." "Fool! A ship should never go down without her captain!" yelled TL. "No, seriously, my stomach doesn't feel good. I think it's the meat," glubbered Ness, glubberily.
"Wait, what? Hold on, exit simulation." ordered TL. The sounds, smells, tastes, sights, and…touches?... of the trio's Dreamatorium-tastic sea voyage powered down and they were left in their ordinary room. "Shit, guys, you actually ate Diddy!" exclaimed the boy in green. "Mm-hm." agreed Lucas, wiping his blood-stained face with a fancy cloth napkin. "He was delicious, too. Watery, but with a smack of ham." "This is no time for pop culture references! We have to hide the body!" said an anguished TL, furiously shoving Diddy Kong's now unrecognizable corpse under Ness's bed. "If the Hands find out, we're in deep shit." "Don't worry, Toony, they won't suspect a thing. Even if they do, we can always pin it on Link." assured the sideways-baseball-cap-wearing (he has many positive traits; style is not one) boy.
(AN: WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT OMG!?1/!? But seriously, stuff's gonna get normal around here in Chapter 1, which you will know as Chapter 2 OR WILL IT? IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU DEAR READER (AND HOPEFULLY (GOOD) REVIEWER).)