I had everything, great parents and friends and I was dating the most popular guy school, well kind of dating. I should've been on the top of the world. But the thing about having everything is, that it's never enough.
Even though I hated that I did, I wanted more with Matty. There was a time when I'd push away the thought of him even noticing me and today we're almost kind of sort of dating. A part of me keeps telling me to shut up and just let things go on the way they are, that this is as good as it gets for someone like me with someone like him. But in my heart of hearts, I know that things aren't enough the way they are, I deserve better.
So, I decided to finally talk to Matty about where we were going, I just didn't quite know how to start.
"What's wrong? You seem sad." Matty said, looking at me worriedly.
"Oh it's nothing." I said, as I took a seat next to him on my bed.
"Come on, tell me." Matty said, putting an arm around me.
"It's just, do you ever want more?" I asked, blurting out my words.
"What do you mean?" Matty asked.
"I mean.. With us, do you ever want more?" I asked, already feeling like this was a bad idea.
Matty didn't say anything for a second. I could tell he was thinking, nervous about what to say because he couldn't stop sniffing his armpits.
"Um.. I'm happy with where we are right now." Matty said, finally.
I didn't know what to say to that, I just knew that it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
"Is that okay?" Matty asked, nervously.
I thought for a moment, I knew it wasn't okay, that it wasn't enough but the part of me that felt someone like me, didn't deserve someone like Matty took over.
"It's okay." I said, with a small smile.
Matty smiled at me and kissed me, visibly relieved.
After Matty left, I couldn't help but hate the way I'd dealt with things. I felt lost and scared and I didn't know what else to do but to call up Tamara.
"Hey." Tamara said, answering the phone.
"Hey, can we talk?" I asked, wanting to burst with all that I felt.
"Sure, what's up?" Tamara asked.
"You know how I've been wanting to ask Matty about our future and stuff, right?" I asked.
"Yeah." Tamara said.
"Well I did it." I said.
"That's great, how did it go?" Tamara asked.
"Not great." I said.
"Shit, what happened?" Tamara asked.
"Well, I asked him if he wanted more from us and he said he was happy with where are right now." I said.
"That's the worst." Tamara said.
"Tell me about it." I said.
"So what did you say?" Tamara asked.
"Well, I kind of had sex with him." I said, nervously biting my lip, anticipating Tamara's reaction.
"You had sex with him? Why would you do that after he told you he didn't want more?" Tamara asked, sounding upset.
"I panicked okay? I just, I knew that I should've said something but that part of me that thinks I don't deserve Matty took over." I said.
"Jenna, you do deserve Matty and you need to stop telling yourself you don't because you're letting him take you for granted." Tamara said, calming down a little.
"I know. It's just hard you know, making yourself believe that you're good enough for the guy everyone wants." I said, a lump forming in my throat.
"Jenna, you're certifiably badass and right now, it's him deserving you that's in question, not the other way around." Tamara said.
"Thanks T." I said, already feeling a thousand times better.
I went to sleep that night, wanting to start afresh tomorrow. I told myself tomorrow'd be a new day and a chance to deal with things better.
I woke up feeling absolutely sick, I rushed to the bathroom and before I could realize what was happening, I had my head over the toilet, puking my insides out.
I couldn't help feeling today was going to suck, seeing how it had started. I got ready, not exactly in the mood to deal with whatever the day planned on throwing at me.
I met Tamara by the lockers, hoping she'd know a way to fix my day before it even started.
"Hey." T said, as I walked toward her.
"Hey." I said.
"You're glowing." T said.
"Yeah well, I feel like crap."I said.
"Well, feeling like crap looks good on you." T said.
"My day hasn't even started and it already sucks." I said.
"What happened?" T asked.
"Well, I started my day by barfing my insides out. It's the second time this week." I said.
T didn't say anything for a second and then seemed to have a eureka moment.
"What?" I asked.
"You're pregnant." T said.
"I am?" I asked, confused, not really processing what was going on.
"Of course you are." T said.
"How can you even know that?" I asked.
"Well, you've been barfling, you've been glowing and you're boobs are clearly bigger." T said.
"It could be a coincidence." I said.
"Really?" T asked, raising her eyebrow.
"Yeah, a mix of bad Thai good and good moisturizer." I said, trying to sound convincing but failing miserably.
"Really? If you're so sure, why don't you take a pregnancy test?" T asked.
"I'm not pregnant and to prove it to you, I'll take one after school, okay?" I said.
"Okay." T said, as we began walking to class.
Even though I'd tried to sound as sure of myself as possible, my heart couldn't help but sink. What if I was pregnant? What would this mean for Matty and me? I wasn't being able to make him stay when everything was okay but with something like this hanging over our heads, he was definitely going to leave and I wasn't ready to lose him just yet. I didn't even have it in me to think about what my dad would say because if I did, I knew I'd break down. I could feel it all changing, my perfect little bubble, bursting.