Usually when people woke up naked without remembering the last night they wondered how much they had to drink.
When Bruce woke up naked and without remembering how he got there he panicked.
For once however he didn't wake up in a pile of rubble or three countries away in the wilderness but in a soft bed under warm covers and next to an equally naked Tony Stark.
Still he startled but Tony, without opening his eyes, tightened his arms around Bruce's waist and told him to go back to sleep.
Bruce however was too awake and instead looked around. He couldn't get up since Tony hadn't relinquished his grip on him.
The room was extravagant, obviously expensive and exactly the sort of room Tony liked. Their clothes were strewn all over the place but some sort of paper Bruce couldn't read from the bed without his glasses, was carefully propped up against the fruit bowl.
Only when he rubbed his hands over his face in an attempt to help with the headache he noticed the ring. It was a plain gold band inlaid with a red and a green stone.
Looking down he found an identical ring on Tony's left hand that was curled securely against Bruce's side.
Tony stirred, opening his eyes and when he saw Bruce, smiled. "Morning sweetheart", he murmured at pulled him down into a kiss.
"Tony, last night, we might have-"he held up his hand.
"Great, honeymoon sex, heard it's the best. Also a perfect reason not to come into work today. My head's killing me. But then I heard sex is a great cure for that", Tony kissed him again and Bruce who was sure that there had been something he had wanted to say just went with it because some things had priority.
That was exactly when someone knocked on the door and Steve called, "Tony, wake up!"
With a groan Tony buried his face in the hollow of Bruce's neck and Bruce said flatly, "I'm going to kill him."
Tony chuckled and bit the edge of his jaw lightly, "that's the spirit."
But Steve was relentless. "I know you're in there, Tony. Wake up."
"Let's put him back on ice for another 70 years, yeah?" Tony asked plaintively.
"Heard Antarctica is a nice place this time of the year", Bruce agreed.
"Tony!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming", Tony called back, reluctantly rolling out of bed. Snatching a robe from the wardrobe and giving what was doubtlessly a marriage certificate a gleeful look, he opened the door.
"If it's anything less than another alien invasion I' going back to bed. I'm on my honeymoon and-"
"You got married?" Steve asked bluntly.
"Yes, I did, anything else? "Tony crossed his arms over his chest.
"Apart from me and Natasha no one seemed to have been sober last night and Thor and Bruce are missing. If you could get the tapes from last night we could – Bruce?"
"Steve", Bruce answered, giving him a polite nod.
"Thor's a big boy", Tony said. "I'm sure he's fine."
"Just get dressed, Stark", Natasha had appeared at Steve's side. "You can have more sex later after we found Thor."
/
"I'll hack into the hotel's video archive and track Thor's movements. Maybe he's just sleeping off his binge drinking in a storeroom", Tony explained in a tone that told everyone he would rather be doing something else. Bruce was distractingly close, freshly showered but in last night's clothes. He had a vague memory of Bruce straddling him while peeling that shirt of button by button.
"And here we are", Tony said and projected the video onto a larger screen. It was from last night and there were him and Bruce, drunkenly leaning into each other. Bruce was smiling, openly and unrestrained. It was taking Tony's breath away just to watch that smile on grainy security footage and –
"Is that Loki?" Steve asked, pointing at the screen.
Right, Tony needed to concentrate.
Loki was right behind him and Bruce an arm wrapped around Thor's waist and whispered something into his brother's ear. Thor laughed, cupping Loki's cheek and then, to everyone's surprise, kissed him passionately.
"Right", Tony said, "Am I the only one who finds this unexpected?"
"Maybe Loki put him under a spell", Steve cautioned.
They watched as first Tony and Bruce and then Thor and Loki got married. Tony saved it all on his tablet and silently cursed himself for having been too drunk to remember. On the video Bruce had pulled Tony towards him when the official had gotten to the whole "you may kiss" part. There had been a confidence there that Bruce didn't usually show this openly and Tony hated that he couldn't remember.
"Good morning", Thor suddenly said from behind them. "Or rather good afternoon." He was grinning broadly and looked unfairly bright and put together for having spent the night drinking enough to get married to his brother."Is that the recording from last night festivities? I can't believe you still use equipment with that kind of quality."
"Could you...a little quieter?" Clint asked who was wearing sunglasses indoors and seemed to be the worst off of all of them.
"Of course", Thor leaned forward and rested a hand on each Tony's and Bruce's shoulder. "Congratulations my friends."
"Thank you", Bruce replied.
"Now that we found Thor, can we please go back to bed?" Tony asked. His head was pounding and he either needed painkillers or sex to get rid of it, preferably both.
"As soon as we're back in New York", Steve said.
Tony let out a groan and let his head drop against Bruce's shoulder.
/
Back in New York Steve scowled at all of them. Tony thought that he was being unfair and hypocritical since he couldn't actually get drunk. Also he was a damn liar. They were back and yet Tony hadn't been to bed yet because Steve wanted to discuss things first.
"Did any of you not get married last night?" Steve asked them somewhat exasperatedly.
Natasha raised her hand and Clint asked, "Does it count if you're already married?"
"You two are married?" Tony asked, gesturing between Clint and Natasha.
"Not to each other", Clint replied with an eyeroll.
"That's not the matter right now", Steve interrupted them sternly. "What matters is –"
"I'm not getting a divorce", Tony declared immediately.
"That's not what I-"Steve started but Thor asked, "What is a divorce?"
Everyone stared at him.
"Dissolving of marriage"; Bruce answered.
"Which isn't gonna happen", Tony added. "At least for us."
"That's sweet", Bruce replied dryly. "Presumptuous but sweet."
"You mean you want-"
"I didn't say that."
"That is possible on Midgard?" Thor asked, still grasping with the idea.
"You married your brother. That's not even legal here"; Clint told him with amusement.
"Loki is adopted and even if he wasn't it would not be unprecedented", Thor replied.
"You can marry your brother but you can't divorce?" Tony asked baffled.
"Marriage is the union of two souls. Tearing them apart again by force would be cruel or even fatal", Thor answered earnestly.
"Even if at least one of the participants was drunk as a skunk and the other a homicidal maniac?" Clint asked.
For a moment Thor looked confused but then he started to smile. "I think a Midgardian marriage must be very different to an Asgardian one and much more temporary. I don't know what that means for you", he looked at Tony and Bruce, "But be assured that Loki and I have been on this path for a long time and being drunk merely gave us the courage to elope."
"Good for you?" Clint said with a dubious tone that most of them shared. Thor's assurance aside, this was Loki they were talking about. He definitely had some hidden agenda up his sleeve.
Thor turned to Natasha. "How come we have never met your spouse?"
"I like to keep my work and my private life separate", she replied at which Clint snorted for which she glared at him.
"You should see her husband", Clint said. "Dark, tall, handsome and the best sniper Russia has. Calls himself the Winter Soldier."
"He's not with Shield?" Steve asked.
"FSD, but he's a good guy. All for the glory of the motherland", Clint grinned. "Kinda like you, just Russian."
"You know him well?" Tony asked curiously.
"We worked together a couple years ago and usually catch up when we're in his apart of the world."
"And you? You said you were married, too."
But Clint shook his head with a smirk. "If you haven't found out yet I'm not going to tell you, Stark."
"Why not?" Tony pouted.
"Because they're not exactly hiding it", Bruce answered for Clint who grinned unrepentantly.
"Whatever", Tony waved the issue away when he sensed that he wasn't going to get any answers. "Can we finally go back to bed now?"
Steve, who looked as if he had had one too many revelations about his teammates, just shrugged. "Do whatever you want. Not like I can stop you."
Tony was about to reply when Bruce leaned in and whispered into his ear. "Well then you should follow me, Mr. Banner."
"Hey, who said I'll be taking your name?" Tony protested.
"Tony-"
"Yes?"
"Shut up", Bruce said and pulled him into a kiss.
That was a way of shutting him up that Tony could definitely get behind.