Holding Flames

Part I: The Distance

(1)

When she lets go of my hand, when the cheering crowds have been shut out by the walls of the train, I know I've lost her. For six whole months, I can't expect Katniss Everdeen to even look at me. A fury is building inside of me. It starts at the core of my heart. I thought that she really cared about me, but what I've learned only minutes before is so contradictory from what I want. She never really loved me. In fact, she only kissed me for food. Apparently Haymitch had been coaching her to pretend we were star-crossed lovers. Now, I don't even think she wants to be friends.

Without another look in her direction, I go to my room on the train, locking the door just to be safe. I don't want Katniss coming in here demanding to sleep with me because she feels lonely or her nightmares are bothering her. It's no use pretending I don't still care about her. Nothing can change how much I love Katniss Everdeen, not even how much she has lied to me. But I do admit I'm really angry at her. She can't expect me to just move on with my life knowing that how she treated me in the arena was an act. An act that I fell for.

I take off the Capitol clothes and look around in the drawers for something more suitable. I don't like associating myself with the people of the Capitol in anyway. Everything in the drawers is too fancy to sleep with, so I just climb into bed. I hear a knock on my door in the middle of the night. I don't know if it's Katniss or not, but I don't care either way. I just ignore it and try to get the first peaceful night's sleep in awhile.

For quite some time, I can't even fall asleep. I keep staring at my prosthetic leg, trying to figure out exactly how it functions. It's such a weird feeling to be missing a leg. The one thing I concentrate on is the fact that when I return to District 12, everything will be semi-normal. I'll go to live in Victor's Village, continue my work at the bakery and participate in the Victory Tour. After that, I'll just have to mentor two kids from our District every year to their deaths. The only problem is that I'll have to work with Katniss on this.

I've always dreamed of ending up with Katniss. It had been no secret to my family either. My two brothers, Morrison and Jamie, had always complained about how much I said about her. Jamie sometimes gave me advice. He told me before the reaping, in which we were both chosen as tributes, that I should talk to her and introduce myself, but I never got the chance.

Instead of speaking with Katniss, I was now forced into an arena to kill her (not the most desirable of conditions to proclaim your love for someone). Of course, right from the start, she didn't trust me, but after it was announced that two people from the same district could win, my hopes rose. I mean, I was stuck in the dirt almost fatally injured, but I thought that it might be possible for both of us to win. Maybe then I would get the chance to follow my plan with her.

That's when she found me. She kissed me. Looking back at it now, I realize what an idiot I was to believe it was true, that she might actually have some genuine affection for me. Katniss was just doing her job for Haymitch. Her job to get us out alive. I shouldn't be angry at her, she really did nothing wrong, but I felt for once in my life that I was experiencing something real. And when she told me it was all an act, my spirits came crashing down. I don't know what to think.

I finally fall asleep rather late in the night. I don't have a very peaceful night's rest as planned. Instead, the night is mainly made out of thinking, processing what had happened in the Games. When I wake, I take a long shower during which I do some more thinking. Eventually, I'm forced to put on the dreaded Capitol clothes.

I meet up with Haymitch as I leave my room.

"Peeta, you feeling better?" he appears sober, but sometimes it's hard to tell.

"Yeah," I lie. I feel awful. I can barely walk with this new leg.

"I think you should stay in bed. Maybe rest up a little," he tells me.

"I was just going to get breakfast," I say. I think Haymitch is still recovering from the Games just as much as I am. This must be huge for him. Over the past twenty three years, Haymitch has done nothing but mentor two children to their deaths. This year, however, not only did one tribute come out alive, they both did. Publicity must be as big on him as it is on Katniss and me.

"Alright," he gives in, "but when you're done, go back and rest. You have to be ready for the cameras tomorrow."

"Ok," I mumble as I continue down the hallway of the train.

I take note of the time and realize it's too early in the morning for Katniss to be awake. She is probably exhausted by the Games and would sleep in. I'm just the opposite. When I'm exhausted, I feel more wired on the inside and this keeps me from closing my eyes, making my brain extremely active. I figure I don't want to see Katniss anyway. I'm still recovering from a very quiet emotional heartbreak.

I slap some scrambled eggs onto a plate as I reach the cafeteria. They look quite runny, something I always try to avoid, but everything else just looks worse. The toast is burnt and the sausage is way over cooked. So, eggs it is.

"Eh, is that all you're gonna eat, Mr. Mellark?" a boy with an Irish accent, who looks to be about eighteen, calls over to me.

"I'm not that hungry," I lie again, this time, accompanied with a small smile to show my appreciation for the runny eggs.

"Where you going?" he asks as I turn to leave.

"Back to my room. I'm very tired," I explain.

"Oh. Well, give Katniss a kiss for me!" he chuckles heartily.

I don't reply. How could I reply to that? Katniss and I won't be kissing for six months. And when we do kiss again, there will be no feeling in it like the way I experienced it before. There will be no feeling of authenticity. Instead, it will be hollow, shallow, just another part of a plan to keep us alive.

The day passes by very slowly. I do nothing but eat, think and draw. Luckily, my room had been provided with a small notepad and pen. I sketch out photos of Katniss. One particular sketch I like is just her hand. Inside of it are the berries that saved our lives. I consider showing these photos to her, but I catch myself, thinking of how she doesn't really care about me.

I have another night of unpleasant sleep. In the morning, Haymitch comes to my room to announce that we are arriving in District 12. It's very early for us to be here already. The speed of this Capitol train is so fast that it almost seems unreal. I quickly get dressed as Haymitch goes to get Katniss.

We are pulling into the station as I see her. She looks so uncertain, almost as if she regrets the way she treated me. When Katniss turns to look at me, I can tell that she has done some thinking about me. I'm not sure how much, but it's evident. I don't make eye contact with her. I just nod in her direction, acknowledging her presence. I don't want her to know I've been thinking about her, so I make sure my face shows no emotion. Instead, we both stare out the window of the train until it comes to a stop.

I think that the people outside are expecting a happy couple. I reach my hand out to hers.

The look she gives me demands an explanation.

But I don't really give her one. I blankly say to her, "One more time? For the audience?"

Slowly, I feel her fingers slip into mine. My heart throbs in its familiar way. Her grip on me is very tight. I guess she needs some sort of security. I give her nothing in return.

The doors to the train slide open and the cameras take many pictures. I'm only able to smile slightly. On any other day, I might have been able to play this 'act' perfectly. But Katniss has shattered my heart. She looks at me and says in a small voice, "Smile."

For once, I can't do what she wants me too. I feel like the ability to smile has been stolen from me by some heartless robber. That robber would be Katniss. I try to forgive her again and again. The sensible part of me keeps saying that it was just an order she was given. She did what she had to do. But the part that controls my smile muscles feels hurt.

Then I see my mom and dad. I let go of Katniss' hand, who seems surprised to have me leave her. My father gives me a great hug and my mother looks happy (that's really saying something.) Jamie and Morrison are also there. Jamie, who is eighteen now, is the first to embrace me.

"Peeta!" he releases me from his hug and shakes my hand. "Great to have you back!"

Even Morrison, my oldest brother who is about twenty, gives me a hug. Morrison is very moody most of the time. He usually works in the back of the bakery by the furnace, keeping away from everyone. Jamie will occasionally pester him to get him to have some fun, but he never gives in any more than a small smile. Also, he never laughs.

Jamie is almost Morrison's opposite. Jamie spends most of his time living in a carefree way. He likes socializing and sitting around, observing nature. He's also something of a joker. He always has a joke for any occasion. Jamie's goal in life is to get Morrison to crack his outer shell. He keeps saying that all "Old Morrie" needs to do is find a girl.

Katniss never leaves my thoughts, but my family distracts me in a way. We have a nice reunion for a few minutes before the camera men ask Katniss and me for a few shots together. I see Katniss is talking to Gale.

I can't pretend I haven't noticed them together. They always are with each other all the time. I often see them selling game in the Hob. It has crossed my mind that they were a couple, but I've never really seen them act like one in front of me. So, I came up with the conclusion that they are very good friends.

Gale is perhaps the most popular boy in the Seam. It seems like all the girls at school talk about him. Most of them bicker over who Gale likes better. It's completely pointless though, because I think it's quite obvious that Gale likes Katniss better than any other girl at our school. But, as usual, Katniss is blind to love until it smacks her in the face.

When Katniss and I get back together, the photos are taken and someone calls out for a kiss. Soon there is chanting from almost everyone but our families. "Kiss her!" an annoyingly loud lady calls out to me. "Give her something to think about!"

Katniss does not need anything to think about, but I simply can't turn the audience down on this opportunity. I look at Katniss and her expression is slightly doubtful. I'm not sure what she doubts. Maybe me. Maybe the citizens. Maybe it doesn't even have to do with what is going on right now. Perhaps it has to do with something Gale said.

But I don't want to disappoint the crowd. I kiss her cheek swiftly and she tries to smile. However, she must be in the same state I was in earlier. Something has robbed her of the power to smile. It always happens from somewhere deep inside of you. Something is going wrong with Katniss. My Katniss.

"Aww… come on! That wasn't a kiss!" the same obnoxious lady says.

Katniss turns away from me and looks at the lady, raising an eyebrow. "Yes, it was," says Katniss.

"I'd like to see a real kiss," says a man with a camera. "We can record it!"

"Yeah!" people from the audience start to agree. Why must everyone love the star-crossed lovers? It will only be a matter of time before the people in our District realize that this was all an act, that Katniss doesn't really love me in any shape or form. But with the cameras, I can't just say we don't want to kiss. Heavens, no! That would be preposterous. What couple doesn't want to be recorded when they are kissing in front of all the people they've known since they were born?

Before Katniss can say anything, I put my hand behind her head and kiss her. Just as I suspected, the feeling is hollow. There is no emotion in her anymore. Not that there ever was. After a good five seconds, she breaks away from me. Hopefully this will do.

Thankfully, it does. The cheers continue as she goes back to her family, heading towards Victor's Village. My family and I follow them. Haymitch leads us. There, I get the first real glimpse of my new home. It really is very nice, a large step up from my family's small apartment above the bakery. There are freshly planted flowers all in a row along the path to the door. Katniss enters her home first. Then, I go into mine.

I'm swept away from the simple beauty of the house. As soon as you walk in, there is a staircase. To the left is the living and dining room. I go up the stairs and find the bedroom. The room is majestic. The bed so elaborate. The bathroom so fresh and modern. The only thought that goes through my room as I take this tour is that this house is not me. It is what the Capitol is trying to make me. I know that they're still trying to manipulate me even though I'm out of the Games.

My mother really wants to stay at this house, but my father insists I have my space. Jamie and Morrison wouldn't mind staying here either, but are just as happy in their old home at the bakery. They give me some more hugs and a few words of encouragement before turning to leave, saying I need some time alone.

I do need some time alone, but what I need more is some time with Katniss. Now, I doubt I will ever get even that.

A/N: So, this was a trial chapter of Peeta's POV for Catching Fire. Let me know if you like it and if you want to see it continued. Thanks!