Ike vs. the TSA
By Shadowgate
…..
Kyle woke up and his eyes were blood shot red. He'd only got four hours of sleep. Gerald's mother passed away and today they would fly into New Jersey because the funeral was this week.
Kyle wanted more sleep but he knew he had to get up. He also knew that this week would not be fun. He'd lost one grandma already now his other grandma passed away. He got in the shower and was happy with the hot water. Who doesn't love in door plumbing?
After he got out of the shower he went down stairs and saw his parents fighting.
"Gerald where's my scarf?" Shelia was a demanding Jewish woman and was in her husband's face.
Gerald answered "I don't know maybe it was thrown across the Goddamn room."
Shelia got angry and said "who the fuck would have thrown it across the Goddamn room?"
Gerald answered "I don't know but I sure feel like yelling fuck across the Goddamn room."
Shelia shot back "well this is why the children cuss so much Gerald. You cuss so fucking much."
Gerald said "oh you hypocrite. You yell cuss words across the Goddamn room then you blame Terrance and Phillip."
Shelia screamed and Kyle yelled "GODDAMN IT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SCREAM AT EACH OTHER ACROSS THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN ROOM?"
Shelia said "Kyle I've had it with your potty mouth young man."
Ike comes in and says "yell it across the Goddamn room."
Shelia says "IKE!"
After 15 more minutes of bickering they all sat down and had breakfast.
After breakfast Shelia screams "OH SHIT I NEED TO STOP AND GET KYLE A HAIR CUT."
Gerald yells "WE HAVE TO BE AT THE AIRPORT IN AN HOUR AND YOU WANT TO STOP TO GET KYLE A HAIRCUT?"
Shelia was infuriated and Kyle was irritated because three times over the past six weeks Shelia came out and ran her hands through Kyle's hair and said "you need a haircut."
They all get into Gerald's van and head down to the airport.
When they get to the airport they check in. Soon after that Kyle gets a cell phone call from Eric Cartman.
When he picks it up Cartman says "hey Jew boy did you know that it's the two month anniversary since Clyde's mom had that freak accident and her internal organs went down the toilet and she fucking died? Oh man and before she ended up dead she came to school and said "Clyde you asshole I could have gotten toilet water on my vagina."
Kyle stated "First of all Cartman this is not some anniversary to celebrate. Can you just imagine how Clyde feels with not only his mom no longer around and people telling him the blood is on his penis?"
Cartman says "well I unknowingly killed my dad."
"Well the difference between you and Clyde is that Clyde has feelings for other people you fat fuck!" Kyle said clearly.
Cartman shot back "don't call me fat you motherfucking dirty kike."
Kyle screamed and ended the phone call and in one second after that Shelia got furious and demanded to know who she was talking to.
Kyle yelled "GET OFF MY BACK!"
Shelia gave Kyle a swat.
Kyle was irritated and then his cell phone rang again.
It was Cartman and when Kyle answered Cartman asked "Kyle how would you feel if your mom named you snagglepuss?"
Kyle threw his cell phone across the airport and then ran to pick it up. Shelia yelled "KYLE I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING TO YELL ACROSS EVERY GODDAMN ROOM NOW GET BACK HERE."
Kyle yelled back "I'M FUCKING IRRITATED AND I DON'T CARE WHAT THE FUCK YOU YELL ACROSS THE GODDAMN ROOM!"
Gerald was able to get both of them to calm down and then they went through the x-rays and before they were able to get on the airplane two men with TSA uniforms showed up.
"I'm TSA Agent 105 and we have an issue with Ike Broflavski."
The second one said "I'm TSA Agent 205 and we need to look at this child. He's been known by the name Peter."
Kyle gets pissed off and says "that's what his stupid Canadian parents called him. He's adopted and I consider him my fucking brother."
TSA agent 205 said "ah ha he's from Canada! Well members of Al Qaeda can get passed the Canadian border and then get into the USA."
Kyle asks "does he look like he's from Al Qaeda?"
Kyle began feeling his body drain of energy from the stress of dealing with these TSA bastards and the fact he'd only had four hours of sleep.
Gerald got in front of Kyle and said "I'm a lawyer and I won't put up with TSA harassment."
TSA agent 205 pulled a stun gun and zapped Gerald.
Kyle said "you tazered my dad!"
Agent 205 said "we hate lawyers and we don't give a fuck about what they say."
The two TSA agents grabbed Ike and took him to a special room with a door that said "SECRET CHAMBER."
Shelia yelled "OH MY GOD THEY TOOK MY CHILD!"
Someone at the X-ray machine said "relax ma'am they're just going to strip search him."
Shelia said "what what what!"
Kyle said "Goddamn it does he look like an Allah worshipping Arab to you?"
Shelia turned to Kyle and said "Kyle you shut up and stand still young man."
Kyle asked "why the hell are you blaming me?"
Shelia snapped and told Kyle to stand beside her. When he pouted she snapped at him again.
Ike was being strip searched and he screamed for five minutes straight.
When Gerald was able to get up he said "I'm sick of the bullshit I've had to put up with over the past two weeks. My mother died now Ike is being treated like he's a member of Al Qaeda."
Kyle said "dad you're a lawyer let's sue these sons of bitches."
Shelia said "KYLE WATCH YOUR GODDAMN LANGUAGE AND DON'T TELL YOUR FATHER WHAT TO DO."
Kyle said "stop yelling at me I don't deserve it."
Shelia grabbed Kyle by his arm and then she said "you're pissing me off Kyle."
The TSA started interrogating Ike but most of their questions were answered with "bullshit" and "cookie monster." After an hour they returned Ike to his family and Shelia said "that was more than 15 minutes."
Ike was cleared to get on the airplane but Gerald pointed out that didn't do any good since the plane left 45 minutes ago and they'd now have to wait four hours for the next one.
Kyle's cell phone rang and it was Stan calling.
He answered "hey Stan."
"Kyle are you in New Jersey yet or are you still on the plane?"
Kyle answered "oh I'm still at the Denver Airport because Ike was on a fucking no-fly list."
Stan said "WHAT? Well are you going to be able to go to New Jersey with Ike? Will Ike have to stay with someone here in South Park?"
Kyle explained that Ike was cleared after being roughed up and strip searched. He also explained that they ended up missing their scheduled flight so they are now waiting for the next one. Kyle was certainly frustrated and he told Stan that Ike is mad enough to kill someone.
Stan said "oh shit!"
Kyle said "look Stan I've got to go."
4 HOURS LATER
As soon as the Broflavskis get on a plane a clown comes by and puts a pie in Kyle's face.
Kyle is pissed off but both his parents laugh.
Kyle decides to go on a rant and he says "well I've certainly heard of old legends where Jews stab the Gentiles in their backs but my own fucking family! SHIT!"
Gerald gets mad and says "Kyle I'm sick of your anti-Semitism and you need to stop cursing in public like this or I'm going to take my belt off."
Kyle says "take your belt off and beat me I don't care."
Gerald takes his belt off and then his pants fall down. Everyone laughs and Gerald starts crying.
30 minutes later everyone is strapped into their seats and ready to go. Everyone is looking depressed.
Kyle turns to Ike to ask him why he's so depressed and Ike says "well I took on the TSA and lost."
Kyle says "well because dumb gentiles are foolish enough to support Israel they in turn have turned their backs on the Constitution. That's why American children can be violated at airports now days. That's why if a child is going to be violated by the TSA there's nothing he or she can do about it."
Kyle then says "hey I know how to cheer you up."
Kyle gets out his cell phone and says "I'll prank call City Wok."
Kyle dials the number for City Wok and the owner picks up the phone.
"City Wok may I take order please?"
Kyle says "yes I want cream from a fine young man."
Kyle and Ike laugh so hard they have chest pains. Later they'd both cry at the funeral of their grandmother.
THE END