A/N: I know this is really not my best, like not at all. But, it's my first Glee fic and I haven't seen all the eps yet because I'm that curious that I just had to start watching in season 2 because I just needed to know. That's how I ended up writing this. So I hope you enjoy!
~Finn's POV~
Everything was just so fucked up it wasn't even fun anymore, it all confused him and he didn't know what to think anymore. He was furious, but also really wanted to forgive her, he just didn't know which one to choose and he couldn't think of anything else.
That first night was definitely something he wanted to get out of his head. He'd laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling with tears in his eyes and sometimes punching a pillow because really, he was furious. But then he saw her eyes again, they were practically all he saw, and the guilt and regret would overwhelm him.
The way she had looked at him in that little moment that had ended in two broken hearts haunted him, the way her face fell when he told her she was mean and how a look of devastation crossed her face when he told her they weren't a couple anymore, it was more than he could handle. You can't have couples counseling if you're not a couple. He had turned around and walked away, not wanting to see her any longer, hurt and pure anger shooting through him like electricity bolts.
But even if he hadn't been afraid he'd do something he'd regret later if he would look at her for a second longer, he still would've looked away, because the hurt, desperate look in her eyes when she told him 'You said you'd never break up with me' was enough to make him feel like the biggest jerk on earth. And it was exactly that look on her face that kept appearing in front of him, no matter where he looked. So he told her 'I never thought you'd make me feel like this' and walked away, needing time for himself. And it had been the truth, he had never thought she'd make him feel like that.
~0~
The Monday after their little encounter he came to school with slumped shoulders and a scowl on his face. He had spent the weekend contemplating his actions, why he had been so stupid to immediately give up on them. What on earth had possessed him to throw away the best thing that had ever happened to him? Yes, she had cheated on him with his supposed best friend, which had hurt him immensely because of earlier incidents, but that was exactly why he shouldn't have done what he did.
Puck had proved that he wasn't exactly trustworthy months ago by sleeping with Quinn, his girlfriend at the time who was more his girlfriend to boost their popularity than anything else. Breaking up with Rachel, the girl he loved, was almost like choosing Puck over her. Both of their actions weren't right, not just hers, if only he had been smart enough to figure that out when she told him instead of a day later, after laying on his bed for hours straight, crying like a girl.
What had hurt the most though, was seeing her empty neck, as if her Finn-necklace had never been there. It wasn't surprising that she had discarded it after their brutal break-up, but it still tugged at his heart, because he had liked the idea of always being close to her heart, and not seeing it there felt like he had lost her heart forever. It had felt as if she had already moved on from him, that was until he saw her face. Suddenly he felt like he was looking at mirror that was pointing in a slightly different direction, away from him. She wouldn't look at him, but he could still see everything she was feeling, the exact same as he did. It was easy, because she was still Rachel Berry and he knew her, he knew when she was feeling insecure or when she was down. But it had been pretty obvious for anybody, you didn't have to know her well to see the bags under her eyes and the redness of her eyes, as if they had cried too many tears in too little time, which was probably even true.
It had hurt him to see her like that, because he had never meant for her to feel that way, but somewhere deep inside he felt also a little relieved, because seeing her like that meant she was just as devastated as he was, that it meant something to her too. That also made it even harder, because he couldn't help but feel that if they were both so obviously broken they should make up and be happy again. But that was not an option, not yet anyway.
~0~
He missed her. It had only been a week and he was already going crazy. If only he could see her. Really see her, because he saw her every day, but she never looked at him anymore. Not that he knew of anyway. Her head was always turned away from him, as if she didn't want him to see her face. She never looked him in the eye either, even if they were forced to look at each other, she never looked into his eyes, why he didn't know. She had caught him looking at her numerous times, but she had always looked away immediately, as if burned. Was that the right way to say it? If only he could ask her, she was the only one who would take the time to explain it to him without making him feel stupid, but she never talked to him anymore, never said a word. She was quiet. Rachel Berry was quiet, he'd never thought he'd see the day that Rachel Berry didn't have anything to say, not to him at least.
He didn't like her being quiet, because hearing her voice had always been one of the highlights of his day. Even when he had only just met her he had loved hearing her voice, whether she was talking or singing, it sounded like every good thing in the world at the same time. But she didn't speak, she didn't sing, she just sat and listened, stared. They, the glee club and him, had actually been very surprised when she had turned down a solo, saying she felt the song was more appropriate for Mercedes because she was sure she could make it sound better, she would just sing on the background with the rest of them instead. That was not something Rachel Berry said, ever, because nobody was better than her and they all knew it, whether they liked it or not, she would never turn down a solo because she was born to be the star. But then she did, and she ignored their surprised looks, and for once, there were no hateful remarks towards her, no annoyed glances. For the first time she was one of them, only not as 'gleeful' as the rest of them and definitely not as gleeful as she normally was.
He knew the thing about Mercedes was just an excuse, she just didn't want to sing. He didn't know why though, and she sure as hell wouldn't tell him.
And so all he did was look at her, every chance he got. During English lit., during Spanish, during Glee… Sometimes he got caught, but what else could he do? He couldn't go up to her and try to get her back, it was too soon for that. He needed time to think and really forgive her, and she needed time to be able look him in the eyes again. If only she would. There were times that their looks crossed and for a second they would hold each other's gazes, but then she'd look away and the moment would be over. So all he had were those little moments, those small seconds of her dark eyes and all the sadness he wanted. Her eyes always spoke volumes, no matter what was going on.
~0~
The next day came and he had had enough of it, of everything. Of feeling like crap just because he couldn't hold her, because he missed her small hand in his while they would walk down the hallway or her soft lips on his while they were making out on her bed. He missed talking to her, just being with her.
The truth was that he wanted, needed, her back, badly. He had meant it when he had told her he'd never break up with her, because honestly, he'd always thought he and Rachel would be the couple that would get through high school together and marry, because they were just that in love, and they loved each other that much, they were just that couple. But then, suddenly, they weren't.
And he knew it wasn't all her fault, he wasn't that stupid. She had kissed someone else, Puck for God's sake, but she was Rachel Berry. And Rachel Berry was overemotional and dramatic was her middle name. But that didn't change much of course, because he really hadn't expected her to do that, to be so mean. But it wasn't all her fault, he had been stupid, so stupid. There were so many things he could've done after he had slept with Santana. He could've told her for starters… but even after it all came out he didn't do enough, he didn't run after her, he didn't try hard enough. He simply acted like the 16-year-old egoistic teenager he was, and that was his biggest mistake. She was his girlfriend, he should've been able to defend her against the hateful remarks of the others, to understand what she was feeling, and he did, now.
If only she could just smile, no matter if it was at Puck, he just needed to see her beautiful smile, because whether big or small, Rachel's smile did something to him. It gave him this warm feeling inside that he'd never had with anyone else. But she didn't, she wouldn't smile. In the past week he hadn't seen her smile once, not even while singing, and he couldn't help but feel that that was somehow his fault. Scratch that, it wasn't somehow his fault, it was completely his fault. He had broken up with her over something that had happened to him before even though it hurt much more this time, something that had felt like something so much worse than he had done. But was it really?
She had kissed Puck, his (ex-)best friend, who had already taken a girlfriend from him once. He had slept with Santana, lost his virginity to her, and lied to Rachel about it while she had been all excited about loosing their virginity to each other. He knew he'd had enough chances to tell her, but wasn't it at least a little understandable that he hadn't told her because he didn't want to hurt her? She had kissed Puck to hurt him, it was as simple as that. But she had only kissed him, while they were together. He had slept with someone, while they weren't together, and then lied about it, while they weren't and were together. Which one was worse?
But on the other hand, who was he to talk? Hadn't he done the same thing to Quinn last year, when he and Rachel were lying on the blanket on the stage? He had kissed Rachel while he was with Quinn, but, he had already started to have feelings for her back then, while Rachel didn't have any feelings for Puck, or so he hoped. But that didn't make it right of course…
And so he had spent the whole previous afternoon and evening thinking of things he could say to her to explain why he did what he did, why he was hurt and why he wanted her back. They would talk, it would be long and hard, but it would be so worth it, because life without her in it wasn't worth living, no matter how popular he would be.
If only he could have some alone time with her, because he knew she was avoiding him. He saw her walking through the hallways, alone, and though she never looked at him he knew she knew he was always standing there, looking at her.
It wasn't until Glee practice that he realized he could always sing a song, because that was what they seemed to do when they wanted the other to know how they felt. And he knew exactly what song, because he had listened to it a million times since it expressed his feelings perfectly.
He walked into the choir room, ready to sing his song for her when he realized she wasn't there yet. He sat down and waited nervously for her to walk into the room. But she didn't. Not even after everybody had asked him where she was, as if they had forgotten that they were broken up and he had no idea, even after mr. Shue had thrown them a worried look because it really wasn't like Rachel to not come to Glee practice without telling someone, no matter what.
He was out of the room before someone could say something, deciding he'd find her. He was walking through the school towards the parking lot because who knew, maybe she wasn't gone yet. But then, when he walked by the auditorium he heard music, and well, where music was, was Rachel Berry. She might not want to sing when he or the others were around, but the auditorium was kind of like her safe haven, so he silently pushed open the door and his breath caught in his throat when he heard her beautiful voice even before he saw her.
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
Then he saw her standing there, red barrette and all, breathtaking just because she was standing there and she was singing and she was just Rachel Berry again. There was just one thing wrong with the picture, and that was that even though she was singing again, she wasn't the usual confident star, but a hurt young woman who was fumbling with her hands while singing the next sentences.
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Realization hit both of them and he saw a look of sadness take over her face for a split second while he couldn't hide his flinch when he realized she was singing about him. He was her 'you', he always had been. How could he have been so stupid?
Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you
They were apart, both dreaming of being together again, both dreaming of having a white Christmas in each other's arms. He wanted that, a Christmas with her in his arms, happy and perfect. Looking at her face he could see she really did dream of that, and it made him realize they could still have that.
Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
There was a hint of a smile on her face for the first time in a week and his heart warmed at the sight, a small smile starting on his lips as he heard the truth behind the words.
Oh The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
He stepped closer as the fake snow made for white dots in her hair and on her face, causing him to simply want to run up the stage and kiss every white dot away.
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
His smile slowly turned into a grin and he started to walk towards the stage, determination in his steps.
Oh, the logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
That wish couldn't be more true for the both of them and though he knew they would have a lot of talking to do and he would probably need a little time to trust her again, he realized Rachel meant everything and he needed to be with her to fully function.
Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas...
Darling
She stared into space with sad eyes as she finished the song until she suddenly saw him and her eyes grew wide in shock. He walked up the steps and stopped a few feet away from her, not really knowing what exactly to do next. He hadn't planned to do it like this, but when she lowered her eyes he knew what he had to do, just get her to look at him.
Keeping his eyes trained op her face he walked closer, not noticing the other people leaving the stage to give them some privacy. When he stood in front of her he looked down at her and studied her features, glad he could do that again. He gently pushed her chin up until their eyes met and he drowned in her dark ones, a sigh of relief almost escaping him. Tears glistened in her eyes and he only now realized that singing something dedicated to him while she didn't know he was watching must've been very painful for her to do.
"Don't ever do something like that again," he told her softly, wiping one lonely tear away as it slowly made it's way down her cheek.
She closed her eyes at the feel of his hand on her cheek and when she opened them again she looked at him with hopeful eyes. "I never meant to."
He nodded slowly, understand her, and told her he knew that, just when she told him she really was sorry, another tear making it's way down her cheek before he quickly brushed it away.
"I'm sorry too."
She smiled a small smile. "That's definitely better than telling me that Santana is hot."
He smiled a small lopsided smile and closed the distance, finally feeling her lips on his again. He wrapped his arms around her and finally felt as if he could breathe again.
When they broke apart there was a small glint in her eyes and he knew they'd be okay. He took her hand and led her off the stage. He stopped once or twice for another kiss, just to make sure it really was real.
He smiled at her as he opened his door for her when they reached his car and she grinned back. They spent the car ride in a comfortable silence, both knowing the talking would come, but not at that moment.
They reached her house and looked at each other. He promised her he'd come over the next day and she smiled in agreement. She leaned over and kissed him lovingly, whispering 'merry Christmas, darling' in his ear before planting a soft kiss near his ear and getting out of the car and walking towards her house, looking over her shoulder to smile at him once before the door closed behind her.
"Merry Christmas, darling," he muttered, grinning happily, before he drove off.
A/N: As I said, not my best. I'll probably update something else pretty soon because I've got sooo many ideas! I'll also finish my other stories.:P
Reviews are loved!