Chapter 1

He woke up, feeling an enourmous headache, and he brought his hand to his forehead.

He could remember everything… The connections through the Force with Rey, her insisting him to come back to the light… The dilemma that made him split in two, that broke him inside and made him want to scream endlessly, made him mad…

The Darkness had been everything to him for so long…

But it all had ended when Hux had taken leadership, taking advantage of one fit of rage from him, the Supreme Leader. At first, he had felt rage, an urge to murder him for disobeying. But all that had waved away when that futile dog had given one order that would change everything.

The order to kill Rey.

For some reason, when Hux had pronounced those words, his mind had turned completely blank. The hatred had disappeared. And he only could hear her words, so tender some time ago, when he had told her that she was not alone.

"Neither are you".

He could only remember her. The touch of her hands. The determination inside her. How her eyes shone when she came there, to him, risking her life by trusting him. Her body heat in the battle, her clumsy, brute ability with the saber…

All that… was going to disappear.

She was going to disappear.

And an unique feeling had flooded him completely, drowning him. But this time, in a way he had never felt before, warm even though it formed a lump in his throat.

And there was not hatred in him while he had destroyed his own ships, while he had killed Hux, while he had felt to his knees before the Resistance and, right after that, lost his consciousness.

No.

A little bit of egoism, maybe. Pain, a deep pain, and anxiousness. But, especially, something he had never thought he could feel. Something he didn't deserve.

He clenched his fist and, with it, his eyes, sitting up on the litter after releasing himself from the medical dome.

His body was still sore. He sighed.

To be honest, it was pure luck that he was still alive. That last battle had been too much for him. If he had survived, it had been so as to keep Rey safe.

He looked at the palms of his hands.

Maybe it was not luck, but a disgrace.

After all, what would he do now? Live with the Resistance, rebuild the Republic? Who would be able to trust him after everything he had done? Those hands… With those hands he had murdered his own father, one of his most beloved ones. With those hands he had annihilated rebel fleets, allies… And now he was to join them? Ridiculous.

After all, he might really be alone.

"Ben?"

His heart made a pirouette inside his chest, recognizing that voice immediately.

He lift his eyes, and there she was. The end of the war had been kind to her: her cheeks were pinker than ever, and his hair fell down both sides of her face. He opened his mouth, but he did not know what to say.

Rey, reclined on the door frame, smiled.

"I'm glad to see you're fine", she said.

He did not answer, feeling a twinge inside him. She was so kind with him… She had always been… Even now. Even though he was not worthy. She should hate him, insult him, reject him. Maybe that way, he could accept his sins. If she was the one to punish him, it would be more than fair. Because nobody knew him better than her.

But for some reason…

Rey came closer to him, hesitant, step after step. She raised a hand to his face, and he tensed up, grabbing the litter mightily, shrinking on himself. While what felt like seconds, he wanted to scream, push her away using the Force and distance himself from her, as he had done so many times.

His lips trembled, thinking about if for a moment.

But something inside him shouted eagerly for her touch, begging for her. Even though he knew that he should not… That he should stay away from her, for her sake, because he was nothing more than a tormented soul, that only brought suffering to anyone around him.

Even though he knew that, he staying still, waiting the touch.

And, finally, Rey's hand alighted onto his right cheek, onto the scar that she herself had carved on him. Her eyes roamed along her warm fingers, making him shiver, unable to stop staring at her and her concentrated expression, just as soft as her.

He wanted to say something, but could not. He barely felt his own breathing, nor the tears that had started to fall down his cheeks. Only her, her fingers, her presence there, before him, and the delicacy with which she treated him, as if he was something really important.

"Ben?", she said again, hesitant. "Are you okay?". She moved away her hand, frowning.

Quickly, almost an instinctive reflex, he grabbed her wrist.

"No", he said, his voice firm. He breathed in, compelling himself to calm down, and he softened his grip, taking her hand to his cheek again". Please, no…

"What's wrong?" Rey tilted her head and, in response, his weeping grew stronger. She started to clean his tears, confused and troubled. He buried his face in her fingers, letting himself get flooded with the sensation". Ben, would you please tell me what's wrong?

"You're so warm…", he whispered, sobbing, and he clenched his teeth, closing his eyes. He caught a corner of her robe". Why… why are you doing this?

"Doing what?", she asked, bewildered, still cleaning his tears.

"Why… why are you touching me?

Rey let out a soft laugh.

"C'mon, Ben, stop fooling around."

"I mean it!", he roared, lifting his head. Rey opened her eyes a lot after encountering that face, disfigured with pain; that face she knew so well, and she knew what he was thinking even before he could say it. "I don't deserve any of this! I should be dead! Why didn't you kill me?! Why didn't you put an end to my misery?! To this pain that feasts inside me?!" He slammed the litter, and the whole room trembled. Rey, before him, stood unshaken. "After so much suffering… after so many terrible things… Only death can mend everything I did."

"Ben", she said again, with that sweet voice of hers.

He clenched both of his fists, his chest burning. That was only comparable to the pain of killing his father.

"Don't talk to me like that!", he stood up, approaching her aggressively, howling, spitting the fire inside him, cornering her against the wall. "I am Kylo Ren! The Supreme Leader! I brought misery upon this universe! I murdered Han Solo! I obliterated countless rebels, so many you couldn't ever get your head around it! I…! I made you suffer!" The bawling didn't stop. He banged the wall heavily, just beside Rey's head, frustration building up again inside him. "Your friends' lives…! My family's…! Luke…! I'm stupid, useless, arrogant! I don't deserve to live, I don't deserve to know happiness! My mere existence means disgrace to this universe! So, why didn't you kill me, Rey?! Death would have hurt less than this, than this… gash, this fire that burns my guts!" Beholding the neuter expression of the girl, he hit the wall again, furious. "Answer me!"

"You're not Kylo Ren", she responded, calm tone, standing as tall as she was. "You've never been Kylo Ren."

"You…!"

"And I know that because we're the same, Ben", she continued. She took a step towards him, and he could only retaliate, the heat of his feelings making him hesitate, making him silent. "We all have darkness inside. And light. We're what we decide wins each day. And it's okay to be both at the same time. And it's okay to be confused. You've done a lot of things; unforgivable, that's true, but I also know you did them because of the rampaging whirl of emotions you were withholding. I'm not a jedi, Ben. Neither you are a Sith. We never will. Because balance exists in us."

"But, I…!", he babbled.

She stepped forwards again, taking one of his hands, and then the other one, and pulling them together in front of her.

"It's possible that you've done unforgivable things. It's possible that there's no one willing to trust you. But I am, Ben." She lifted her eyes again, staring at his face. "I trust you. I know you. I know you inside and out. I know what you are, I know how you are. That's why I saved you. That's why I prevented you from getting killed. Because I know it was you who put an end to this war. Because I know that inside you, there's light, because I can see it."

"No, no, no…", he sobbed, feeling his soul breaking into pieces. "This is all wrong… I…"

"Ben", she went on. "Do you remember what I told you about coming to me, about joining me?"

"I saw the opposite…", he replied, perplexed because of that sudden intervention.

She smiled tenderly.

"I think we were both right. The universe doesn't need more Jedi. It doesn't need more Sith. We both know what darkness is, what light is. The universe needs our balance. It needs us."

"Please, Rey… Stop… I can't… I can't…" He shook his head, clenching his teeth. However, for some reason, he was unable of avert his hands from hers.

"Of course you can, Ben. I've seen it inside you. You've come a long way, suffering for yourself, tormenting yourself. Let me take a bit of that burden. Let me be your support, and help you in this path. Let me allow you rest, let me find yourself again."

"I can't, Rey", he said, his voice rupturing. "I can't do this."

The smile in Rey's face vanished.

"Why not, Ben? What's stopping you?"

"I… I…"

His hands clenched too, and he knew he could not keep the secret anymore. He would tell her, and she would knew why she had to run from him. Because that was too dangerous.

He lifted his head and sank his pupils in hers, memorizing once more his facial features. Her hands were all he could feel. Her hands and the piercing pain in his chest.

"I love you, Rey." For some reason, right after saying those words, he felt a weight die away, his whole body lighter, and his tears turned more abundant. "All of this… I've done all of this because of you. For you to be safe. For you… I've realized you were right. That I can't be light or darkness whole. I'm not even goof for that. And still, I know you can't reciprocate my feelings. Because I don't deserve it. I've done so much harm to you… I've been so horribly awful to you, in every aspect… To everyone… A vile person like me doesn't deserve redemption, doesn't deserve to live a content life. It deserves to die and mend all its sins like that. I'm too fickle, too dangerous, too irritable, too… Stupid." He lowered his sight again, his locks covering his face. "I'm sorry. You should just kill me right now. I'm not going to defend myself. I can't do it, even if I wanted to. Much less against you."

"Ben…"

Rey released his hands, and he closed his eyes, feeling completely empty without her touch.

But so it should be.

That is why, after the initial surprise he felt when she grabbed his head, pushing his hair back carefully, and she wrapped him in her arms, he could only stay still.

"I forgive you for everything you've done to me, Ben. I know what was feasting inside you, and it's the same thing mistreating you know." She squeezed him against her, trying to make him feel as loved as he should have felt much longer before calling himself Kylo. And yet, he would not hug her back, his arms falling inert to his flanks. "You've been lost for loads of time. But being lost has something good, and it's that when you don't know where you are, nor who you are, you can rebuild yourself up again. Choose the fate you wish. And about not reciprocating your feelings… This may be a little bit selfish from my side, but I also… I love you too." Rey laughed, amused at the fact of saying out loud something that she had thought for so long that she could never confess.

"R… Rey?", he said, totally blown away. In his guts, something warm flooded him completely, something even more intense than everything she had made him feel up until that very moment, thick as honey.

"Mmhmm?", she answered on his chest.

"What are you doing to me?", he whispered, still unable to hug her.

She laughed.

"I told you I never said I was only light…"

He hold back a chuckle and, inside him, his feelings seemed to calm down and organize themselves a little bit more.

The room became silent.

"Rey?"

"Yes?"

"Is this really okay?" , he asked, hesitant, his tears already drying up on his face, his voice the one an innocent child would have.

"And if it's not, who cares?"

"Huh?", he blinked, confused.

Rey moved a bit away from him, frowning and looking at his face, still her arms around him.

"If anyone wants to harm you, I'll kick their ass. Even if it's Finn."

He observed her, her eyes truly filled with determination, and a big smile sprouted on his face.

"What's up?", she replied, pouting.

He shook his head, smiling without teeth, and surrounded her with his arms. She raised her eyebrows, delighted, and let him push her against his chest.

"Will you help me redeem myself? Mend my sins, somehow?"

"Always", she responded, smiling widely, feeling his hand caressing her hair. "After all, it's what I've been doing this whole time, don't you think?"

He smiled.

The fight inside him went on. But, for the first time in forever, his heart rejoiced, almost hurt because of all the love around him.

He was the worst person in the universe.

But if even this way, if even knowing all the wicked things he had done, if even knowing the torment inside him… If knowing all that, Rey loved him…

He could keep on living. Trying hard.

For her.

For himself.

He closed his eyes, bathing in the body heat emanating from the scavenger that had saved the universe. That had saved him. And he knew she was right.

He might had gotten lost in the darkness. He might had done unforgivable things guided by Snoke, guided by the Darkness.

But he would coexist with that.

Because there, between his arms, a person existed who loved him for himself.

And, even if it was a little bit selfish, he could keep on living if it was like that.

If he had Rey besides him…

He would be able to see the light in his days.

Because he had never been Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren would have never been able to love that way.

He was Han Solo's son. Leia Organa's son. Luke Skywalker's disciple. The former Supreme Leader.

He knew light, and darkness, and loneliness, and love.

He was Ben Solo.

And never, ever, would he make the same mistakes again.

Not with her by his side.