Andromeda doesn't belong to me.
Ep-related: S 5's Totaled Recall.
A/N: It occurred to me that Trance is the only one Dylan doesn't recognise in all those alternate realities; the others may seem strange or different to him, but at least he knows them.
And I noticed that in the brief moments when he realises what's really up with him, it always is Beka's voice that anchors him to reality, sends his attention back to the exotic matter generator...
It also occurred to me that in a previous ep Beka had already voiced a suspicion about Trance to him. Sadly, I can't take this any further, because it would not be consistent with the following eps...
Stay!
„Holy shit! We were almost dead...!"
Harper's exclamation sounded loud as thunder in the stunned silence of the lab. Their all eyes were glued to the panel controlling the exotic matter generator, until finally Beka shifted her gaze from it and over to Rhade, who was still holding on to Dylan Hunt's limp body.
„Is he...?" She cleared her throat, noticing that he hadn't heard her. „Rhade!" she tried again, this time more forcefully. And then, as he still didn't react, almost barking at him: „Rhade!"
Stunned, he forced himself to look away from the panel and over to her.
„Hmm?"
„Rhade, focus!" she ordered him sharply. „How is Dylan?"
„Breathing," he answered, re-arranging his arms to get a firmer grip on his load.
„Good," Beka exhaled. „Pick him up; better we get him to the Maru and bring him over to the Andromeda. Harper, get everything secured down here. You better come along, too."
„Yes, that would be a good idea," Trance agreed.
Silently nodding towards the others, Rhade heaved the inert body he was holding on to around, managing to bend down and slip an arm under Dylan's knees, carefully lifting him up.
„Gee, he's heavy," the massive man panted, struggling with the weight in his arms for a moment.
„Come on, Rhade, don't whine!" Harper admonished him, while checking the generator for a last time. „You're a big, bad Nietzschean! You can do this!"
„Easy for you to say," the big, bad Nietzschean muttered, setting himself in motion.
The engineer followed him to the door only an instant later, with Beka close on his heels. They were already almost out of the Earther's lab when the blonde pilot turned around and frowned.
„Trance?" she inquired in a puzzled, slightly urgent voice. „You coming?"
„Actually no," the beautiful girl answered in a playful, a little childish tone. „You see, I have something to attend to here. You don't need me with Dylan anymore. Just make sure that you get every last bit of exotic matter cleaned completely out of his system once you reach the Andromeda."
By now they were all staring at her, Beka intrigued, Rhade struggling with the mass he was carrying, Harper outraged.
„He isn't out of the woods yet?" the short man suddenly spurted out.
„Well, no..." the golden alien admitted, „but he will be in 12-14, maximum 18-20 hours. Just make sure you wake him up as soon as you've reached the Andromeda or preferably on the Maru already. And have Doyle be ready with enough blood plasma. He needs an almost complete drainage. Surgery helped with the swelling of his heart, but other organs as well as the PNS are affected, too and he is suffering from septicaemia."
"Common, please?" Beka snapped at her.
"Basically just some general bad feeling and a lot of pain... All of it survivable, though - provided you help him along. Oh..., and after you've woken him up: no more stimulants, since it might increase the pain and cause him to pass out. And no pain-killers either, since he isn't allowed to fall asleep. Keep him awake and he'll be fine. Well, you know the routine by now!" Trance concluded cheerfully.
„Trance, you'd better come with us, especially if Dylan's still not out of danger," Beka sternly demanded, scrutinising the young woman through narrowed eyes.
„I can't," the avatar shrugged.
„What do you mean, you can't?" Rhade growled, holding Dylan tighter.
She turned to him and watched him and his load with dark, unblinking eyes.
„What I said: I can't. I have to prepare things here for the refugees..."
„Trance, just in case you might not have understood: this isn't a debate, it is a clear, crisp order. Besides, the refugees will first come to the Andromeda," Beka replied.
„Yes, but Doyle can take care of them there," the girl replied, dismissing the argument. „Look, Beka, I know that Dylan would like..."
„Darling girl of mine," Harper fell in, „whatever Dylan would have liked under different circumstances, right now I suspect that staying alive has top priority on his wish-list..."
„I have business to attend to, Harper. Dylan will be fine if you follow my instructions. As to your 'orders', Beka... Well, you never made such a fuss before, and neither has Dylan done so. He will be fine, and... And anyway: he served his purpose..." Trance said in a final tone. There was a flash of light... and she was gone.
„Okay, that was weird, even by Trance's standards!" Rhade muttered under his breath.
Harper seemed in shock.
„What the hell was that?" he finally exploded.
Beka was still staring over to the spot where Trance had disappeared, but then she turned around, pushing Harper further.
„More importantly:" she remarked thoughtfully, „who the hell was that?"
„What? What do you mean?"
„Never mind, Harper. Come on, boys, let's get going. You heard her, we need to fix Dylan."
„Yes, but Beka..."
„Later, Harper!"
-
They decided on taking three hour-shifts with Dylan, starting with Harper, followed by Rhade and then Beka. Doyle found herself assigned by the acting captain to the task of preparing everything for the refugees they were to allow onboard the Andromeda, where they had to wait for their temporary quarters to be fixed on Seefra 1.
„Why don't I get to sit with him, too?" the blonde android asked. Beka rolled her eyes. She really didn't have time for this... Yet she pulled herself together, turning around to face Doyle and placed her hands reassuringly on her shoulders.
„Doyle, I need you on Command, monitoring everything: the refugees here onboard, the work on the planet... and Trance."
„Trance? What's the matter with her?"
„I don't know, yet," Beka admitted. „I just... Look, I don't know," she shrugged. „But I don't want her unaccounted for, not for a single second ."
„That's a bit difficult, where Trance is concerned," the android threw in.
„I know. Do what you can. Between you and Andromeda, you should be able to come up with something!"
„Aye, Captain!"
„Thank you, Doyle."
-
She shifted in her bed, unable to sleep, Dylan's gaunt features with the dry skin tightly stretched over his cheekbones and the unnaturally bright eyes consuming his face haunting her as soon as she closed her eyelids. They were saving his life by forcing him to stay awake, Beka knew that well, but the struggle to prevent him from drifting off into what could easily become a permanent coma, the ordeal they had to force upon him was emotionally draining all of them almost beyond their limits.
It had at first seemed easier than the battle for his life down in Harper's lab, but it became increasingly unbearable the more time dragged on, the weaker he grew, the more they feared for him. By the time Beka had taken over from Harper, Dylan was already no longer able to focus on what they said to him for longer than half a minute before giving in to the waves of pain. And when Beka left him three hours later in Rhade's care, he was already developing a pain rictus in his muscles. She hadn't wanted to leave him, but knew that she was worn out, and that in her state she wouldn't be of much help.
In spite of her exhaustion she couldn't find sleep, though. Her restless mind was erring between her struggling captain and the worry she felt arising when she thought of Trance. That the being who had opted to stay back was not Trance... That much was clear to Beka, beyond the shadow of a doubt. He had served his purpose... The words kept racing through the pilot's mind, running around in maddening circles. No matter how bad the situation was, how much she was worried about one thing or another, what preoccupied her on a larger scale: Trance would never ever have said something like that about a sentient being, let alone a friend. The cold, distant gaze as she looked at Dylan's drained body... Aside from the Abyss slowly invading her, Beka Valentine could not remember to have ever had a more scary experience in her entire life.
Turning from one side to the other, the captain of the Maru sighed wearily. Sleep and her, tonight it wasn't going to happen. Yet with a determined show of sheer will power, she forced herself to stay in bed, in her quarters, while her mind kept going from what was taking place in Medical to Harper's lab and from there to Command.
-
The sight that greeted her was truly terrifying, although no surprise. Dylan lied on his side, curled tightly in on himself, as if trying to hold in the pain, with Harper by his side and bowing down to him, one hand placed between the older man's face and the pillow, his other hand on the upturned cheek of his captain, desperately trying to force the man's attention on him and away from the pain.
„Dylan, listen to me, you have got to listen! Come on, big guy, stop pretending. You've had it worse than this. If you think that you can impress me by keeping your eyes closed so tightly... well, think again. Compared to what I've seen on Earth this is nothing. Nothing! Open your eyes, boss. That's it..."
The engineer's babbling went on, even after he'd noticed Beka entering the room, as if by simply talking on he hoped to force the pain wracking through the body in front of him to cease, stop, disappear. Unfortunately nothing seem able to make it go away, to alleviate it somehow. Hour after hour, Harper had kept on talking and shaking him, never holding in for a moment, out of fear that even a single instant of leaving Dylan to himself would let the High Guard loosen his grip on his consciousness. By now the young man looked almost just as drawn as the Andromeda's captain.
Beka had expected to see something like this. On her way to med-deck she had encountered Rhade, who had trouble sleeping, and who looked like hell, his hair matted with sweat, his eyes hollow and glassy. During his wake the captain had at one point become delirious and had started to thrash and strike out. Rhade was almost thankful that this had occured during his 'shift' at Dylan's bedside. In spite of the Vedran's weakness some of the blows had struck quite effectively, but the Nietzschean held on, oblivious to his own pain. The bruises he had suffered were though living proof of what had happened there, so Beka came prepared.
-
18 hours... 18... That was what Trance had said. However, 16 hours down that path things had taken a turn for the worse - and it seemed to Beka that it would take a lot longer until the last remnants of the poison would be gone from his body, that was growing more and more worn out, while the pain still seem to increase. Andromeda had offered an explanation for that, saying that by now, even with the pain growing in fact lesser, Dylan's own synapses had gone into overload, the constant signalling sapping his remaining strength and endurance, lowering his pain threshold further and further. Keeping him awake until the last drop of the exotic matter was washed out and then sedating him to make him rest was their only option. It was easier said than done.
They all had talked and talked to the weakening man, comforting, soothing, calming, trying to keep him both awake and at peace in spite of the ordeal he was obviously forced to suffer through. Meanwhile though his glassy, half-closed eyes were clearly indicating that he was past caring and rapidly growing tired of both the hurt and them.
And then he lost his patience, finally starting to beg her lowly, softly asking, again and again, of her to let him be, to let him go, the quiet, hoarse voice cut off periodically when he tensed in yet another attack.
The pain seemed to ebb and flow now, only at times peaking into awful spasms of agony. As Dylan convulsed from the torment raging through his body, wordlessly crying out for relief, Beka gathered him into her arms, supporting his head and shoulders against her own body, trying to give comfort, wishing she could take the pain away somehow, suffer it herself, to give him some relief. She had so far kept quiet, restricting herself to gently stroking him, like one would have tried to soothe an animal in pain, hoping that the silence would bring at least some peace. But as it didn't work, she suddenly heard herself slowly starting to murmur words into his ear, her lips so close to his hair that she could feel the tickle:
„I know, I know, you think you're all alone in this... That's what it always feels like, when things are really bad. And I know you must by now have grown so very tired of listening to promises that don't come true, of having nothing but this pale beige walls to look at. Look at me, Dylan, come on! Look at me..."
Relieved she saw his head slowly turning to her, his eyes glueing to her face, begging.
„There is nothing I can do to ease this pain that sears through you, I am so sorry, Dylan... But I will stay here with you to the very end; even if you no longer believe it, it will soon be over, just a little longer and it will pass, you'll see..."
He nodded to her, lightly, his tongue coming out to wet his lips. She hurried to offer him some water that he accepted gladly, his eyes still not leaving her face for a single instant. She returned his look, unwavering - in spite of wanting nothing more than to tear her gaze away from those speaking eyes. He'd always had a way of saying most... almost too much really, when he was keeping silent.
„Dylan, let's try something else. You talk to me... Tell me something, a story, anything, tell me something about yourself..."
„There..." he swallowed convulsively, forcing the words to come out, „there isn't much to tell you about me that... you don't know... already..."
„It doesn't matter, just talk to me, even if I already know all there is to know. Tell me anything, nothing, what you think right now, how you feel..."
A croaked laugh slowly transforming to a painful coughing ripped through him. In the grip of yet another pain wave he blinked at her, furiously, revolted, outraged and disgusted, hissing through gritted teeth:
„How I feel? You're kidding, right? I feel... like dying, Beka. Like... shouting, crying, praying for... it to stop. I feel... I wish that I could tear myself apart with my bare hands... I don't want this anymore... It hurts! Make it stop, Beka, it hurts... Make it stop! Or else leave me alone!"
Her arms instantly closed more tightly around him as the attack reached its peak, preventing him from continuing.
„I know, I know..." she sighed.
„I'm sorry," Dylan quietly said, as soon as he could relax a bit again.
„No, don't. Just talk to me, even though you don't want to... Just don't give in, hold on! It'll be all right, just stay awake, stay with me... It'll be all right!" Beka urged him, seeing his eyelids drop.
„Sure, it'll be all right," he murmured tiredly, his voice as ironic as he could muster. „You don't actually believe this crap? I don't..."
„I don't care, just keep talking, even if you don't believe me, or don't believe yourself, keep talking... Stay with me... Stay with me!"
She felt a rush of panic sweep through her as she saw his head rolling back on her shoulder.
„No!"
A new wave of pain hit him, but his eyes reopened upon hearing her shout. Relieved, she placed a hand on his cheek, forcing his gaze to remain focused on her.
„That's right! Look at me... Do you remember, Dylan?" she then went on, after briefly moisturing her lips, swallowing down the fear. „Do you still remember that first years after we met? Before the Commonwealth became reality? We used to be so crazy, we laughed about everything - and after we met with the Magog... we were making fun of death itself. Let's do it again, shall we?"
He tried nodding, keeping his eyes locked to hers.
„Back in those days you used to have dreams flying all so much higher than those of everyone else I ever met. You had so much to learn still, yet you also seemed to know so many of those things that cannot be taught..."
Alarmed, Beka saw a disgusted smirk twisting his lips once more, saw his eyes drifting off again, as another spasm hit home, his face anew nothing but a mask of hopeless suffering.
„No!" she exclaimed furiously. „No, don't you dare give me that attitude. Not you, not now, not after what we've been through. Don't give up, Dylan, I won't believe you're giving up, anyway." A dry, pained laugh escaped her. „Who do you think will ever believe you that you've reached your limits? That Dylan Hunt is giving up, is doubting himself? That he wants to quit fighting? I know you feel disgusted with yourself, with the way you think your body betrays you. But I won't believe that you're weak enough to give up the fight altogether. You can't convince me of that. Not me, never me. Remember how you fought for consciousness when this black hole was trying to pull you in? Dylan, you better remember..."
Still looking at her, he drew in a shuddered breath, his jaws clentched together as the wave of pain passed.
„I'm tired, Beka... Let me - just let me be, please, Beka! I don't want... anything any more. What for? Why? For Seefra? I hate this place... I hate... it... I want out... one way or the other. Let go of me, Beka."
„No, I won't, you hear me? I'll get you out of this, even it means to have to tear down every wall between here and our universe empty-handed. You will live! You - will - live! You'll live, even if I have to go against death itself and fight it and you over this. This will soon be over, I promise, the pain, the hurt - and Seefra. You hold on and we will find a way out of this. And then, Dylan, we will go off together again, first hunting the Abyss and then hunting for dreams, and you and Rhade will go off hunting girls, taking Harper along with you, and the three of you will make them all dance, you'll hit on everything pretty - and me and Doyle and Trance and Rommie - yes, we will get Rommie back - we'll watch you from afar and make fun of you and never again leave one of you alone... So: what do you say? Do we have a deal? Will you hold on for this? For me?"
He was worn out, past talking; all he could do was merely clinging to her arms supporting him.
„I don't think... I can... Beka, I still feel like..."
„Feel like what? I don't care what you feel like. You hang on, do you hear me? That's an order, soldier!" Cool fingers brushed through his hair. "I know what you feel like. You told me - and I've been there once or twice myself. And when I was, you were there, too. We were in it together - as we are now, too. At least you're not alone in all this. I am with you - and I'll be with you all the way, you hear? You feel like crying? Praying? If that is what it takes to keep you: I'll cry with you. If you want me to, I'll even get down on my knees and pray to this Divine being, that I detest so much for its sick games with us, I'll pray to It, begging for your life, for you to stay with us..."
His eyes widened even more.
„I'm sorry," she hurriedly offered. „I get carried away, but... everything is so scary right now... You scare me... Hold on, Dylan! Stay with me!" Gently placing a hand over his chest, Beka bent her head closer to his own, resting her forehead against his, her words almost crushed by the fear tightening her throat.
„I can feel your heartbeat. It is still strong, Dylan, stronger than this... Stay with me, don't go! Please, Dylan, you can beat this, you're stronger than it! Stay!"
-
He looked up at her from the book he was reading, taking in the sight of her entering his bedroom, a steaming cup in hand. Amused, he rolled his eyes towards the small table next to his bed, that was displaying four more cups in a row.
"Oh, let me guess," he said, "more disgusting tea?"
„Oh, let me guess," she grinned, mimicking his expression „sick and tired of Doyle in mother hen-mode?"
He nodded, grinning back.
„And Harper, Rhade and Trance..."
„Even Trance? Wow, quite a collection. So..." she waved her hand holding the cup vaguely towards him, „I suppose you had your fill?"
„On tea and broth?... Oh yes, to last me a lifetime," he nodded forcefully.
„How about coffee?"
„I could die for one!"
„Oh no, not that. We already had our near-death experience this week..."
She carefully came closer, offering him the coffee, a broad grin spreading on her face as she saw his eyes lighting up at the smell emerging from the cup. He eagerly held his hand out to take it from her. Before drinking, he closed his eyes in pleasure and let the aroma and the heat briefly embrace his face.
A small smile on her lips, she stood there for an instant, watching him intently as he took a sip. Lightly brushing a hand through his hair, she then turned around and slowly made her way to the door.
„Beka!"
„Hmm?" She turned around, her eyebrows slightly arched.
„Thanks."
„You're welcome. I do hope it's the way you like it."
„I didn't mean the coffee..."
„Oh..."
„Thank you, Beka."
„I thank you."
It was his turn to be surprised.
„For what?"
„For holding on. For not leaving. For staying with me."
For a brief moment their eyes locked. He heard a small sigh.
„What?"
„Trance..."
„I know..."
He attempted to rise. She slowly came closer again, pushed him back.
„No."
„But..."
„No," she repeated softer. „Not today. Not now."
„I'm fine."
„No, you are not," she told him, her finger gently tracing a shadow under his eye.
„What? The circles?" He chuckled, slowly lifting his good arm and tracing the shadows under her eyes in return. „You have them, too, you know – only when you're exhausted, but you do have them. They're here now, so maybe you should rest. Mine are always there. It's because I'm old."
She nodded with fake seriousness.
„I know," she answered lightly. „The circles I don't care about any more. The times I've seen you rested – I could be counting them without running out of fingers. On one hand." She smiled down on him: „It's the circles around the circles that worry me, I suppose..."
They grinned at each other. But then the smiles vanished. He frowned:
„What about Trance?"
„It can wait. You're in no shape to save the world today. You may restart tomorrow."
„But what if...?"
„No, no ifs. That's not why I told you. Rest now. You can think about this current problem while you're lying here. But you won't get up and run around."
He smiled at her.
„And the world?"
„It'll keep."
„You promise?"
„Yes, I promise."
„Good."
„What? No fight? No more argueing?"
„No need. You always keep your promises."