Willoffire123: So, this is something I saw on somebody else's profile page. It was so funny that I had to copy and paste. It was also so funny that I felt that I had to share it with you.
Harry: I saw the list. Most of them are okay…as long as they don't have anything to do with me.
Willoffire123: But the ones about you are the funniest!
Harry: No they aren't. By the way, Willoffire123 doesn't own Harry Potter.
Willoffire123: Humph! Party pooper. Let's see the chapter.
Harry's POV
"Hey Harry, Hermione, Fred, George, you've got to see this," said Ron. We joined him around Hermione's computer. In case anyone was wondering, we were at the Weasely's house for the summer. Hermione had brought her laptop with her.
"What is it?" asked Hermione.
"I'm not entirely sure," said Ron, scratching his head. "I found this on Hermione's computer. I think it's supposed to be about Hogwarts."
That caught our attention.
"What?" snapped Hermione, grabbing her computer from Ron. Her features slackened when she saw what he was looking at. "Oh, that's alright. It's only a list. Probably written by a graduate of Hogwarts. I thought muggles might have found out about us."
"What kind of list?" I asked.
"Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts," Fred read aloud over Hermione's shoulder.
"This looks good," said George eagerly. "Lets have a look, shall we?"
"Alright then," said Hermione. We settled down in the Weasely's living room, Hermione placing her laptop on the coffee table in front of our little group.
"Since I found it, can I read first?" asked Ron.
"Sure," said Hermione. "Read away."
Ron started to read. "Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts.
Seamus Finnegan is not after me lucky charms"
I burst out laughing. "What?" I asked defensively. "It was pretty funny."
"Lets promise not to interrupt, there are 127 of these rules. If we keep interrupting, we'll never finish," said Hermione. We nodded in agreement and Ron kept reading.
"2) I will not start singing 'We're Off to See the Wizard' when sent to the headmasters office.
3) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class
4) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss"
"Hey!" I said indignantly, the others rolling around on the floor, howling with laughter.
"You've got to admit, mate, that one's pretty funny," said Ron, snickering slightly as he started reading again.
"5) Professor Flit wick's first name is not Yoda. Who's Yoda?" he asked.
"Never mind," said Hermione. "I'll start reading now."
"6) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar"
"That one was uncalled for," I said hotly. The others nodded in agreement and Hermione kept reading.
"7) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy"
"Depending on the first year in question," said Fred thoughtfully, George nodding in agreement. I edged my seat as far away from the twins as possible.
"8) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month""
"That's disgusting," said Ginny, having come to join us in the living room. We nodded, not even bothering to go any further into that one.
"9) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals"
"What's Pokémon?" I asked. Nobody knew.
"I think it's a Muggle TV show in America," said Hermione.
"10) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches
12) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!""
We were all rolling around on the ground for that one.
"Oh, gosh," said Hermione, wiping tears from her streaming face. "Let's keep reading. Some of these are quite good, really."
"13) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
14) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor"
"No, it's not," I said angrily. I could see that the others were trying very hard to suppress their snickers.
"15) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental"
"I don't think anyone of us here knows what Nazgul is, so I'll continue reading," said Ginny.
"16) I will not refer to the Weasely Twins as "bookends""
"That's a good one, Fred. We're now the 'bookends," George declared.
"17) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
18) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"
19) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bamf!" every time I apparate.
20) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
21) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice."
"It most certainly is not," said Hermione, horrified, while the rest of us were howling with laughter.
"22) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.
23) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs."
"If anyone does that I will hang them by their ears to that ill-tempered old Gargoyle's tail on the Astronomy Tower," said Hermione menacingly, the rest of us, still howling with laughter.
"24) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.
25) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort."
"The next time I see him, I will definitely be saying that," I declared.
"26) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
27) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".
28) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays."
"But he doesn't look anything like Santa Claus," Hermione exclaimed.
"Oh Hermione, you don't have much of a sense of humor, do you?" said George once he was done cackling with laughter.
"29) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library."
"You know, I think there might actually be one in the library," said Hermione thoughtfully, her voice nearly completely drained out by Ginny's laughing.
"If there isn't, I'm putting one there," said Fred.
"30) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas."
"Snape is undeserving of any of my presents," said Fred. "Let alone shampoo. Here, let me read next."
"31.)I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore"."
"That sounds painful," said Ron.
I rubbed my hand. "Better than I must not tell lies."
"32.)House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers."
"They most certainly are not," said Hermione, outraged.
"33.) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept."
"It is not," said George, mocking a horrified face. "We did that three years ago, earned most of our savings there."
"34.)I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
35.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
36.)I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
37.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
38.)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
39.) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
40.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
41.)The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
42.)I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
43.)When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasely" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts."
"True, true," said George.
"We are terrible role models, kiddies," said Fred, winking at us.
"44.)Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either."
"We are, however, better than him," said George.
"Yeah, at least we can take a joke," said Fred.
"45.)A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly."
"Neither are muggle dustpans, muggle mops, or any other muggle cleaning appliance. I'll go next," said George.
"46.) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. "
47.)I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
48.). I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
49.)Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
50.)Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.
51.)Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
52.)I may not have a private army."
"Ahem! Harry," said Ron, glaring pointedly at me.
"What! Like you weren't considering it," I said defensively.
"53.) I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.
54.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
55.)I am not the wicked witch of the west.
56.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
57.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.
58.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.
59.)I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
60.)I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
61.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
62.) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
63.) - Especially not all of them at once.
64.) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."
65.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."
66.)Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
67.)I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
"That is very creepy," I said hotly, turning red as everyone howled with laughter.
"Oh, lighten up, Harry," said George.
"68.)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
69.)Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
70.)The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters."
"Oh my gosh," said Ginny, tears of laughter streaming down her cheeks.
"So, are we the morons, or the borons?" asked Ron curiously. Nobody knew the answer so George kept reading.
"71.)I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort."
"That one's my favorite," said Bill. Hermione leapt out of her skin in fright.
"Wh-when did you get here?" she stuttered.
"Oy! Bill! You know how Hermione gets when people sneak up on her," Ron complained, Hermione having scratched his check with her long fingernails when Bill had spoken.
"Just now. I'll keep reading," said Bill, sitting down next to Ginny.
"72.)Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
73.)Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.
74.)I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins."
"Who?" Ginny interrupted.
"Read 'The Hobbit'," said Hermione. And that was that.
Willoffire123: Hope you liked it! Next chapter will be coming very soon. Checking out my profile page and voting on the poll would spur me to write faster. Oh, and reviewing as well. Now if you will excuse me. I am going to bed. For I am very sleepy. Until next time!