Disclaimer: How I wish the boys were mine. But no, they belong to someone else.

Thank you to grnfield for reading and fixing this up for me.

The following stories are linked to this story. My heart will go on, John's diary which will be up soon, How Does It Feel, My fear of going blind and walk of fear and panic.

author's note: Benching is when the dog are put on a chain which is tide around an object like a bed for instance.

Enough of that. Hope you enjoy reading this story. This was one of the hardest weeks I had ever gone through and written about. You'll see why really soon. Enjoy and please remember to review please?

A month or so had gone by since I had to make that hard decision about my guide's fate. Since then I had also found that my eyes were acting up and had kept a diary about it all. Only my guide was not included in the diary. I'd pushed that fateful day that I would have to hand over my guide's lead to the back of my mind, telling myself that it was just a horrible nightmare and that I'll wake up and everything would be fine.

As I went to get my eyes tested and found that they were just fine; well, as fine as could be. I was reminded of my guide's fate once again when an aunt asked if I knew when I would be going, what would happen to my guide and if I could keep her. As for the keeping, I know for a fact that my father would never let me since all of the residents on Tracy Island had had some sort of encounter with my guide dog's surprises. My father would say no and the guide dog center had said no. They said that if I kept her then she would teach the new guide all the things she did wrong and I would have the same problem with that one.

I guess that if you think of it, it's true. Still, it feels like I'm dumping her at an adoption sender; as if I'm failing her. I don't know how to explain it but she's like a child to me and just letting her go as if she's nothing to me hurts. It makes me feel as if I have been a really bad daddy to her; that I've just used her. Heck, I was told loads of times that I was doing too much for her. I'd take her to the vet every time I went to the mainland or when one of my brothers had gone there I would beg them to take my guide dog too.

I felt that I had to make sure that she was in tip top shape to work. It would have killed me if I'd found out that she was working while being sick or hurt. I was and still am, very strict with her. Those who know me well know how I get when I know someone is doing the wrong thing or if they are not listening to me.

Many times I had caught one of my brothers feeling sorry for her because she had gotten corrected and then benched for an hour in my room for being a bad girl. During that hour no one was allowed to talk or pet her, even if she used her sad face or whimpered to get their attention. She had to know that she had done something wrong and that she was being punished for it. My brothers would check on her and when she looked at them they would melt and try to come to her rescue from her too-strict daddy.

My guide knew who she could go to and which buttons to press to get them to give her food or let her do as she wanted. One afternoon Alan had proudly announced that he had given my guide a nice big hamburger to munch on but he had promptly swallowed the rest of his words when I turned to him. Back peddling he had changed 'nice big hamburger' to 'just a little piece' but luck wasn't on his side that day. Zahara had come bounding into the kitchen, wagging her tail and had sat herself down at Alan's feet, bumping her nose against his hand to ask for more of that yummy hamburger.

Stepping just a little too close to my little brother I had hissed at him. 'Just a small piece? It doesn't seem like that to me. You of all people should know that what you have done is wrong.'

I had taken my dog away from him and made sure that she stayed with me for the rest of that day but she still tried to beg at every chair she had passed. She bumped her nose against each of my brothers, asking them to give her 'just a little something' from their plate. She gave her paw to Virgil and when he didn't touch or give her a treat she then sat down and started to paw at his leg to get him to look at her. When he did however she didn't expect him to say 'no' very loudly. We all jumped and when my father looked to Virgil to ask what the matter was he told us all what my Zahara was doing and I had to get up and drag her to where I was sitting.

It didn't take long before she moved away again so she could beg. I excused myself for a moment and took her to my room where I benched her. She wasn't a happy dog when I left to go finish my dinner, I can tell you. She had yelped and barked while she tried to get her chain out from under my bed before she'd finally given up and quietened down. When I got back to my chair I had asked my father to let me say something to everyone. I had then given them a lecture on why they should not give my dog food from the table or feed her anything without me knowing. I told them that she was only scrounging and begging because she knew that they would give in and give her what she wanted. I gave my little brother a look that I knew he wouldn't miss and had everyone promise that they'll ask me before they gave her any type of snack or food.

I knew that everyone felt really guilty but I had to set everyone straight before they all end up doing what Alan did. Who knows? Maybe some of them had already done just that and hadn't told me about it. I'm really starting to wonder about that now; Zahara does seem to love Virgil a great deal when it comes down to food.

I had gone to the mainland for some tests to see why my eyes were doing what they were doing. My eye doctor had told me to get tested to be safe, but for what I don't know. I sat and waited to hear what my blood sugarand blood pressure was and startled badly when my phone started to ring.

I answered and found that it was the lady from the guide dog center, asking me if I could come to class on the first of September. I realized that I'd be up on Five at the time but said 'yes' thinking that it was high time that Alan paid me back some of the days that he owed me. I chuckled to myself as I thought about how Alan was going to react to being told he had extra time to serve on Five and didn't really pay attention to the rest of what the lady was saying. I answered robotically without really taking in anything else from the call and as I bid the lady goodbye I realized that I hadn't caught her name. Yes, she was from guide dog centre but which one?

I had to drag my thoughts away from my dog and the guide dog center to listen to what the doctor was saying to me. I was told to come back that same day in the afternoon. I had been planning on going home but I guess I'll end up going back to the island later on.

I walked out of the clinic with my guide finding the way and I thought over the call I'd received. I remembered the lady and who she was. She was the kind one, the one who listened to me. Then I thought about my guide and how she might feel that day; not understanding why I was letting her go or where she was being taken. I nearly tripping over a slab of cement which was sticking up out of the ground at an odd angle and I realized that my guide had turned the wrong way and that we were now following a path to heaven knew where.

Turning my guide around I ended up turning a full circle twice. When I got her turned again I was hopefully walking back into the right direction and knew I had to get back to the hotel before I got totally lost. I finally got back to the hotel and called home to warn my family not to send someone out to pick me up that afternoon. Everyone started talking at once and I had to wait for my father to tell them to stay quiet and let me talk. I told them that I had to go back to the clinic that afternoon to hear what the doctor had to say about my blood sugarand blood pressure.

That afternoon I decided to test out the new GPS that Brains had sent with me. I figured that it would be a good time now to test it because my guide dog seemed to be getting lost every time she went near the clinic. Well, it worked great until I was about ten meters or so away from the clinic. Vibrating three times to alert me that it was about to speak I listened to it say the words. 'You have arrived at your destination'.

Stopping my guide dog I squinted into the sun to see where the clinic was. Only seeing the walls of what must be the clinic I felt a bit frustrated. Here I was, standing like an idiot in the middle of nowhere, not knowing if the door to the clinic was up ahead, to my right or to my left. Yes, I had been there that morning but someone had helped me to the door and I hadn't paid as much attention as I should have.

Now I was going to be really late for my appointment. Sighing, I had to trust that when my guide dog and I started walking again that she would somehow find the door. Well, unfortunately it didn't work out like that. My guide suddenly turned in front of me and I nearly took a tumble over her. Just to my right I could hear the patter of a small dog running off somewhere and now, even more frustrated, I made my dog turn back again and had her walking back to where I thought we had last stopped.

Pulling my guide to a stop I listened for the voices of any people around. I heard a woman and a man talking somewhere off to my left and walked towards them. When they saw me however they started walking as fast as they could to get out of the way and away from my guide dog. I knew that if I didn't stop them I would never find the clinic door and, stopping my guide, I called out to them that my dog won't bite and that I just needed a hand. The man was brave enough to let me and my dog come closer and said 'Follow us, we'll take you to the door'.

Giving a sigh I followed them and after opening the door for me they were gone before I could say thanks. I guess they were scared shitless.

After waiting only a few minutes I was ushered into the doctor's office. Again I had to repeat my story about my eyes and what the eye doctor had said and again I had to let the doctor check my blood pressure. After asking me questions about how I felt and if I was hurting anywhere and answering yes or no, the doctor told me that I was just fine but that he'd take some blood the following week and send it for tests.

Walking out the door of the clinic again I thought about the doctor's last words. Something might be going on in your body that you are not able to detect and that hopefully the blood tests would bring the problem to light. I was again left with more questions than answers.

When my guide stopped again I thought that the little dog had returned. Looking around I realized that my guide had stopped because she wasn't sure where to go. Listening to where the sound of cars came from I was able to turn her in the right direction.

Again I called home to give my family the news. When that was done I went online to find one of my friends but couldn't find her so I left her a message telling her about my day.