i love you

by the goldfish of evil

with help from sammi-chan

officially dedicated to sammi-chan:

happy birthday!

It was not so odd, not all that odd at all, that I should be lying in bed naked, even if I didn't have an equally naked partner stretched out beside me. I couldn't be sure if he was sleeping or not... on the one hand, he could be very peacefully resting, sated by an – as always – extremely vigorous and very nearly perfect romp through the sheets, without heavy thoughts to keep him awake. On the other hand, he could be lying amongst the bedclothes, quite aware, kept conscious by troubles of his own. I didn't know, but then again, that wasn't all that unusual in matters pertaining to the great Akiyama Ryo. He was still one hell of an enigma, and I had known him for quite a while. And, of course, I slept with him regularly, though that really doesn't denote understanding of or even familiarity with your partner, anymore. Familiarity was, at least, one of the things I did share with Ryo, even if I never managed to understand him.

That – believe me – is a blessing and a curse. That mystique, that incomprehensible aspect, was one of the things I found most attractive about the brunette that shared my bed... possibly longer than anyone before. But it was also the reason I was stretched out, wide-awake, on my stomach in my bed, instead of quietly sleeping off our latest bout. Perhaps I should not completely blame his enigmatic nature for keeping me awake on cold sheets, but it certainly didn't help. For how does one tell Akiyama Ryo you think you might be truly, deeply, and rather madly in love with him, when you have no idea how he was going to react?

Sighing softly to myself, I slipped from the chilly bed. No sense staying and trying to collect comfort from a cold bed and possibly sleeping lover... besides. The chance of doing something really stupid with Ryo right there beside me was much greater than if I got away from that oh-so-tempting form. Something as stupid as blurting out those foolish feelings lingering inside.... I left quietly, and if Ryo was awake, he didn't immediately follow. The thought of covering up briefly crossed my mind as I made my way through the halls, but at this time of night, it was an annoyance I didn't have to partake for the hired help's sake.

My digimon, my "partner", my Lopmon was curled up in a library chair – she wasn't reading, though, when Ryo stole me away to the bedroom, that's just what my partner could normally be found doing, amongst the towering, dusty shelves. She had an enormous appetite for reading; normally, when we spent time at the mansion, Lop spent innumerable hours in the library, seemingly trying to make her way through every book in the archive. Of course, she disapproved of having to retreat there because of Ryo and my "activities", but then again, Lopmon seemed to disapprove of Ryo and I being together, in general. It wasn't that she necessarily objected to Ryo himself, but rather, I think Lopmon found us a bit too alike for the rest of the world to be safe. But when it became obvious Ryo would be around often, she dropped off the lectures. It wasn't that Ryo and I entered into a relationship, as it were, but beautiful fifteen-year-old boys with a knack for hopping dimensions and a vast appetite for sex are hard to come by. And really, that's what started this whole mess, me being around Ryo so much.

Lopmon climbed up on the chair's arm so I could have a seat and draw my legs up. Even that I could tie back to Ryo, drawing my snowy limbs up – it reminded me of the way he teased me about being so pale. The very first time we slept together, he said it was a good thing he found white skin attractive. And then he kissed me before I could say anything – he did that quite often. One of the innumerable things that made him better than perfect and made me – damn it all – fall in love with him. Love is one of those things I try to stay out of; it's a messy business, you know? Love makes you vulnerable in so many different ways, and I hate being vulnerable. I've had quite enough of that for one lifetime, thank you very little. Of course, deep down, I am bloody exposed, and Ryo brought out those traits better than anyone did – I got sentimental, of all things, around him, lovey-dovey in ways I'm not admitting on my deathbed.

"But you should tell him, of course." That was Lopmon. Like she was reading my mind and telling me what I knew was true. "What's the worst thing that could happen?

I sent her a Look. I don't know, I said. And that's exactly what scares me.

Logically, I knew Ryo did not make the Sun rise, the Earth turn, nor did he keep the Moon in the sky, but I think, if he really wanted to, he could make you believe that he did. And I know my life, my hopelessly shallow little life of sex and wealth and – I'll admit it – loneliness, got a hell of a lot better when Akiyama Ryo graced it with his presence. I didn't realize how much everything was heading towards "complicated" until it was too late, until I had already started thinking of him when I was flirting with other people, thinking about how there was already someone that fit with me perfectly, or damn close to it. See? Sentimental drivel, right? Of course, I hated it so much because there was a possibility that those feelings weren't returned.

I missed one of Lopmon's ears tipping upwards, otherwise I might have ended up screwing myself over – again. She sat up, as it was, and spoke, "You really ought to tell him, Sai."

I thought you didn't like me being with Ryo, Lopmon.

"As your partner, I'm sort of required to want you to be happy," Lop said, hopping down from the arm of the chair. "And no matter what happens after you tell him, you'll eventually be happier than you would be keeping it inside." Evidently, our conversation was over – the mon was making for another part of the library, and I didn't see any point in following her. I leaned back in the armchair, resting against cool fabric, and tipped my head back, looking towards the ceiling.

You should notice that the story threatens to become slow. Of course now would be the time that Ryo arrived, and I didn't hear him come in. Which meant no warning before a comment – "I thought that you said they didn't want you wandering around naked?" – and Ryo (in pants, disappointingly) had taken a seat next to me on one of the chair's arms.

I jumped, slightly shocked by having the real-life version of the Ryo haunting my thoughts so abruptly beside me. I know it made my answer and smirk a little less enthusiastic or sincere as they could have been. Anyone that's hanging around this late is probably stealing my silver, I said, so they deserve to be traumatized.

His comment had been about something I said just after or first encounter, when Ryo complained about finding me fully dressed after a post-coital shower, about the servants not wanting me wandering around naked.

"Ah," he intoned with a nod, feigning solemnity, "of course. Damn bastard." Dropping the joke, then, he reached out and poked my unadorned shoulder lightly. "So, are you going to steal your own silver?" That comment took me by surprise. Quirking a brow, I tipped my head so that I could look up at Ryo over the rim of my glasses. What do you mean? I asked.

"Well, you're up, and it's 'this late' right now." He moved his hand as he spoke, reaching up to touch my hair, playfully. Adorable and absolutely irresistible, that was Ryo. And he was circling territory already tread.

Oh, you know me, I smirked, looking off towards the library. I wander.

"Something's bothering you." It was a simple statement, said in the same tone as the last. See? I told you – territory we've been in before. Him asking, and me... well, I wanted to dodge.

What could be bothering me? I quipped, I dodged.

"I have no idea. Do you?"

I winced, blanching slightly at that. Ryo was direct, more often than not, and he didn't like it when other people were evasive. He's also observant enough to catch on to the fact I was mentally worrying away at my thoughts of love. And so, after having me try to dodge his questions about what was bothering me... well.

Ryo... I tried, and trailed off.

His hand moved again, almost petting my hair, and he waited expectantly. "Yes?"

Everything coalesced, then, all my feelings came together, and was seized with the almost violent urge to finally just spit it out. With Ryo petting my hair, I was silent for a few moments, until I took a soft breath. I didn't know how I wanted to say it, but then 'I love you' just slipped out, smooth as a silverfish.

I couldn't see Ryo's expression, but his petting paused for a moment. And then he started to laugh, ruffling my hair. "I appreciated it! But, seriously," he stopped laughing, but a smile hovered in his words, "what's bothering you?"

Crap.

He appreciated it.

That's all.

My chest constricted. At least I didn't have to school my expression, facing away from Ryo – I don't know what I looked like, but it couldn't have been good. He appreciated it. At least he hadn't rejected me. At that, I could smile. And I did.

I just... smiled. Oh, nothing really, I said.

"Hey..." Ryo said, sliding down from the armrest, practically sitting in my lap. He put a hand on my cheek, and turned my pale face towards his, making me meet his eyes. "C'mon, at least tell me if there's anything I can do to make you feel better. I care about you a lot, Sai, and I don't want you to be sad, or bothered or anything. Got it?"

Oh. That was better. And I wanted to cry – so Ryo hadn't professed his undying love for me. But he cared. I blinked before I could start bawling, and smiled again, honestly this time. Yeah, I said. I got it.

"So... talk to me." He still thought something was wrong... nothing was wrong, it really wasn't. I have been anxious about telling Ryo I loved him, and I had. He hadn't rejected me. He was still there.

I shook my head at the command, still smiling. I'm okay, Ryo.

"Mmn." He snuggled up closer to me, face against my neck. "I don't believe you."

Silly boy, doubting me... I lifted a hand to play with Ryo's hair, returning the gesture from earlier. Believe it, I said.

"And if I still don't?"

I rolled my shoulders slightly, in a shrug. I really don't know what to tell you.

"Yeah, I bet." His face was still against my neck, and that comment came with a lick of Ryo's always-talented tongue, making me shiver.

I'm alright, I said. Really.

"If you say so..."

I do. I wiggled into a position where I could put my pale arms around Ryo, hugging him softly. Believe me, please.

"Alright." Finally, it was murmured, as he wrapped his arms around me. "I will."

I smiled, again, and pressed my nose to Ryo's hair. Thank you, I said. The great Akiyama Ryo, absolutely irresistible to any normal human and better than perfect, hadn't told me he loved me, and I didn't care. Because he told me he cared, and, for the moment, that was more than enough for me.

the end

that's all there is

for now