*A/N: I will update my One Shot series soon, I promise. I didn't want to add this one to it because I've been in a "not so love/fluffy mood the past couple days and I didn't want to taint it. Anyway, here it is.*

*Disclaimer* Not even a little.*

Letters Home

It's been seven months and I still think about you every second of the day. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, that one day the pain of losing you will go away but so far, it hasn't. What do they know anyway? They don't know you like I do. If they did, they would know this kind of pain doesn't go away.

I knew it would hurt Rick, I knew waking up without you next to me would be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I guess I never thought about what it truly meant to be here without you. Every night I lay in bed and wonder if everything in New York reminds you of me like everything in D.C reminds me of you.

I was broken when you found me, I didn't trust my heart with anyone but I gave it to you. It's still yours and it always will be. My heart aches for you. I ache to feel your arms around me, to feel your breath on my neck, even if it means I would have to let you go all over again. You not being here makes it hard for me to breathe sometimes and makes me wonder if you feel the same pain.

I try to avoid going places I know I will hear your name and I never read the latest celebrity gossip section of the paper for fear of seeing your name. It doesn't help. No matter what I do, I can't forget about you. Every cup of coffee, every book I read, and every happy couple I see reminds me of you. You were the only one I ever truly let in, you broke down the wall I worked so hard to build around my heart, and now it feels like my heart is laying in pieces among the rubble of that wall. I don't regret letting you in, even if I wanted to, I could never regret being with you.

I thought drinking would make me forget the pain, even for a little while but it didn't even numb it. If anything drinking made me miss you more. It reminded me of the nights we would go to The Old Haunt with Lanie and the boys after a difficult case and the night you convinced me to play a "new" kind of truth or dare drinking game. More importantly, it reminded me of being wrapped in your arms in front of the fireplace at the loft enjoying a bottle of wine. You always made me feel so safe, like nothing in the world could touch us.

It seems like all I do anymore is think about you. When I hear people talking about you, I want to run away and hide, but I don't because I know not hearing your name at all will hurt worse. I hate feeling this loneliness, this deep coldness in my heart that only you can warm. I know tomorrow will be the same as yesterday and the day before because every day I feel the same emptiness without you.

I have trouble sleeping without you holding me. I used to sleep in your favorite Green Lantern t-shirt I brought with me because it smelled like you. It helped at first, but the scent of you has faded. Even in my dreams I can't escape you. I dream about our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, the first time we made love, and our first trip to the Hamptons. I wake up every morning and reach for you only to be reminded by the cold sheets that you aren't there.

I would give anything just to hear you say I love you one more time. I should have said yes Rick. I should have stayed with you, but I can't change the past. I don't expect you to forgive me, you may have even moved on by now and forgotten about me, but I can't forget you. I just need you to know that you're the only one for me and I miss you. You are my one and done.

I love you, Rick. Always.

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Thanks for reading.