Why I Hate Doctor Who

a poem by Evelyn Caiside

I had nothing to do but stay in bed

and get up occasionally and dispose of my lunch I was fed.

Searching on Pinterest I come across a Doctor Who board.

I think there's some guy in jimjams brandishing a sword.

I look it up on Google, a blog, and IMDB,

Then I find it on Project Free TV.

I watch the first season and see Christopher Eccelestion.

I decide that this definitely was the best decision.

I fall in love with Rose,

and find out Amazon has Doctor Who prose!

I watch the end of the world

as the plot unfurled

Now there's a girl with spirits coming out of her head,

who possessing people who are supposed to be dead.

The Doctor brings Rose back a year later,

and I'm starting to think Jackie's a hater.

Now there's World War III

and it's started by the Siltheen.

I'm introduced to the Doctor's enemy

and it's the first time I've seen him hold weaponry.

Rose wants to see her dad,

and ends up making me sad.

Jack turns out to be a little more than chummy.

And there's a little boy asking for his mummy.

The Doctor dances

and ignores Jack's advances.

Is Bad Wolf some kind of god?

You have to admit, her eyes are rather odd.

Wait, now the Doctor's changing?

Something about his cells rearranging?

Now he has really great hair,

and I found out he doesn't like pears.

Now he's sleeping away,

like a baby on Christmas Day.

But, lo, a behold he makes an appearance!

And finds out Harriet Jones is behind the Sycorax's disappearance.

They stumble out of the TARDIS in mirth,

and lay on the ground, called New Earth.

Then they meet the Queen,

and a werewolf who is quite intent on eating their spleens.

Now Rose meets Sarah Jane,

and they find out how the school is using the children's brains.

Rose asks the Doctor, "Will you leave me behind?"

"Not you", he reminds.

Now they meet the uncrowned queen of France,

and she takes the Doctor for a dance.

March in Cybermen, who are rather unkind

and they end up leaving Mickey behind.

"Let's go see Elvis!", they conspire.

Only to have Rose's face eaten by the Wire.

"Stuck with you, it's not so bad."

The Doctor looks up and smiles, "Yeah?"

But the Valiant Child will soon die in battle.

"It lied", he prattles.

Now there's a mystery surrounding a girl

and Rose gives the pod an olympic hurl.

"They'll never separate us", says she.

"Never say never", he disagrees.

People's ghosts start showing up.

Could this be the end for the Bad Wolf pup?

The Cybermen, the Daleks fall into the Void.

The Doctor and Rose are overjoyed.

But then Rose slips,

and a scream passes the Doctor's lips.

Now they're separated forever,

all because of that stupid lever.

Rose tells the Doctor something he already knew,

and he responds in kind, "Rose Tyler, I-"

Now I am a sobbing heap on floor.

Two months later, I still haven't watched anymore.

"Become a Whovian", they said.

(I'm starting to think I've been mislead.)

You gave me no forewarning,

that later I would be mourning.

"It'll be fun", they said.

(Now I think I have a swelled head.)

I've run out of tears,

and Moffat gave back my childhood fears.

Yet somehow I still love that box that's blue,

and I don't think I'll ever stop liking Doctor Who.