Authors note: Written for Vamb's Secret Santa, '09. The request was for a happy, friendship/love story. Not my strong suit, but I gave it a try. Thanks to jc4ever for being my last minute beta. Thanks to my SS requester Katie87, for being so understanding.
Disclaimer: I own nothing Star Trek related. Okay, I own the season 1 DVD set, but I mean character wise that's all Paramount.
Like they did in the old days
Dear Chakotay:
It's been almost three months since I have heard from you. Even then I am not sure that seeing each other in passing on campus counts as meaningful communication. I can't even blame work as my reason for staying out of contact with you, since they made me take leave two months ago. Can you believe that? They ordered me to take the full six months! They made sure of course to keep me on through the obligatory publicity time. Once the shininess of voyager's return had worn off they felt that it was more important for me to take the time off that I had been lacking since I got here. They didn't want any insinuations that I might be losing it after all of the "traumatic" things that occurred in the Delta Quadrant. If only they had any idea of what they were talking about I might have been a little bit more accepting of the idea. Also if I hadn't felt my own need to take the time I probably would have tried a lot harder to fight it.
I heard from Tom that you have spent a lot of time planet side, that they offered you a teaching position at the academy. It was something that I had always thought you would be good at. I hope when you're ready you do decide to take it. There was so much you could offer the students here and you have always had a knack for making sure that no one felt as though they were left behind. It's one of the qualities that I had grown very attached too as the years progressed on Voyager. One of the reasons why I never regretted my choice to make you first officer.
The other night while I was sitting in front of the fire here at my camp I came to realize, that while I have made sure not to distance myself from most of the crew, I have not kept in close contact with the one person that was the most there for me while on the ship. Everyone that was a member of the senior staff, including Seven and the Doctor, I have been careful to keep in contact with since we got home. I see most once a week, the others at the very least once a month. Seven was here the day after the two of you separated. I was thankful that I was able to help her through that, even though she admitted right off the bat that it was for the best. I've seen everyone except you really. It is the main reason for this letter. I realized the other day just how much I missed you. How much seeing you ever day has meant to me in carrying on with life. As it turns out I can only keep myself busy and my mind occupied for so long, and right now it's going over all the things that I could have done differently in the last few months we were in the Delta Quadrant. How I could have made sure that the two of us didn't drift apart the way that we did. I'm not going to take the entire blame on this, but I do know that there are several things that I could have done.
This letter is my way of trying to reach out to recapture some of what we once had. If you don't want to respond then that's fine. I will understand. Just know I miss you. I miss my friend.
Take care.
Kathryn.
******
Dear Kathryn:
As you can imagine, after so long not hearing from you, I was shocked to get your letter. I know in this day and age there is no reason for a two week delay in replying to someone's communication, but I didn't even get it until this morning. I have been visiting my family, something I have waited far too long to do, even still. It's like I can't shake that Delta Quadrant mentality, where there is always something around that corner that I need to attend to right now. I can't get out of over drive. Sitting around and relaxing, despite what Starfleet has ordered, is just completely out of the question. It's not as though we couldn't use it in the first place. I know if I was one of those admirals there, the first thing I would have done is order you to sleep. None of this prancing around acting as though you were their saviour. Not saying you weren't, but even saviours need to sleep from time to time. Maybe I should have been there more in the first few months, then I could have made sure you got the time off earlier.
As for keeping in contact with people, I started out better. When we first got home I was able to keep in contact with everyone. Able to organize myself with seeing everyone once a week, and those that I didn't I would make sure to put a vid call in to them. When Seven and I split two months in, I lost what will I had to talk with anyone other than Tom and B'Elanna. I felt as though I had failed at something, though even now I couldn't tell you where that feeling came from. Occasionally I would put in a call to Mike and others that I had been close to while in the Maquis, but it was mostly to make sure that I could say that I wasn't drifting away from everyone.
The job offer at the academy pulled me back, thankfully. The last two months have been busy preparing to start when the next semester comes around. It has given me something to focus on other than being home; other than being away from you. I really hadn't been expected to be asked to teach tactical. I was more expecting to be offered a position in history, though given all the things that we have gone through in the last little while, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. Believe it or not I am having a hard time deciding if I really want to teach all of the ways we avoided the different species in the Delta Quadrant. It's as though if I teach them then, and they use them here then all of our enemies will know how to get around them. The tricks that I used as a Maquis, I have no problems with strangely. I should talk to Tuvok to see what he thinks about everything.
I don't know exactly why you would think that I wouldn't respond to your letter. I mean I can guess the little things. The little ways that I made sure you knew that I wasn't happy with the choices you made. The way I pulled away every time I disagreed with the decisions that you made. Never mind the fact that I didn't give you credit for the increasing difficulty that seemed to occur with them. It seemed that the closer we got to home, the more I felt as though we were never going to get our happy ending. The more I felt that you never wanted a happy ending. There is no doubt in my mind that there were certain events that put a wedge in our relationship. Further still, there is no doubt in my mind that those were wedges that we were comfortable with.
In my opinion we are not past saving the friendship that we once had. In fact I would like that. If you want I can come spend some time with you at your house, while the two of us are on this break. Unless of course you have decided to force yourself to go back on duty.
I'll wait to hear from you.
Chakotay.
******
Dear Chakotay:
Is it strange that in an age where communication is one of the things that we have mastered to make simple and easy, we are still using what some would consider and out dated form? I personally find that it is more personal to write a letter than it is to use most means of communication these days. Plus at three in the morning I am not quite ready to be seen in any sort of video format. The hair is far too bad and I am usually far too tired to care about fixing it. Not to mention the dark circles under my eyes that I just can't seem to get rid of. Then again, dark circles are why the invented make up in the first place, or so I hear.
There is nothing to worry about, as far as taking so long to reply. I had heard that you might be away visiting. It's not as though I expected you to stay in and wait for me to get in contact with you in some way. I actually did half expect that you wouldn't reply, for many of the reasons that you stated.
I know from my end, as the journey continued I felt more and more alone. There are enough reasons for that, most of which was my inability to sit back and allow myself to live while my crew was stranded so far away from home. Reasons that I know I have told you many times before. I'm sure to you they are getting tired. Especially considering the amount of times you tried to get me to break out of my shell and live the way the crew wanted me to live. There was no reason, in that last year that we were out there, I couldn't have started to enjoy myself a bit more. Allow a little bit more human contact, allow a bit more help. Most of the crew had already settled in and decided that they were home enough on the ship. Would you believe it was actually harder knowing that? Knowing that if something happened to them I would be at fault for letting a family down? For causing them to lose their home. Strange the way the mind of a captain thinks. I know now that it was foolish to think in such a way.
As for seeing each other, I think that would be a good idea. I know that I could use some company out here. I have seen very few people since going on leave. B'Elanna took it upon herself to come out for a visit, thinking that I had decided to live in seclusion, and was trying to talk me out of it. I thought it was funny that when she got out here and saw how calm and serene the place was that I had to talk her into returning to the city and to her family.
It's quiet. The very opposite way Voyager was and everything that I needed. I think when my leave is done, I'll keep this place as my own little hide away.
Let me know when you plan to come. I'd love to have you here for a few days.
Always
Kathryn
******
Dearest Kathryn:
I am sorry that our time together at your little cottage was so short. If I had thought things would have went so well I would have arranged to stay longer than just two days. It's amazing how much can happen in such a short time however. I never thought that the feelings that we once had for each other would so quickly make their way to the surface. I guess time apart really does make the heart grow fonder. I know for me, seeing you again was like stepping into a dream. Though I am sure I told you many times when I was there, I love that you let your hair grow long again. It gives a softer edge to you. My only memories are of the last few years on Voyager when you had grown harder. Not saying that it wasn't something that you didn't need to do. I just wanted to reassure you that I love the new look.
It probably sounds a bit strange but I am glad that we waited so long to see each other. Especially so long after Seven and I broke up. There is something to be said for allowing the brain to work through the events that have happened. For allowing our minds to calm down after the excitement of getting home, and seeing our families again, and allowing ourselves to mourn the loss of seeing our Voyager family every day.
My heart broke when you started to cry the morning that I left. I didn't know my leaving could cause such worry in you. I hadn't thought about all the times that I left on Voyager when you worried about never seeing me again. What I can reassure you about, is that I had those same worries every time you stepped off the ship. Though I think we both can agree mine were more warranted given you recklessness. Unless you have now decided that all those reckless moments were completely Delta Quadrant related.
I have a few more things that I need to take care of, but I should be able to return to you by the end of the week as we planned. Until then these letters will have to do.
Always
Chakotay.
******
Chakotay:
I must admit that I was also surprised by the turn of events that occurred during your visit. I rather thought that it would be awkward and uncomfortable. It was for probably all of five minutes, before my body remembered that the only person it has ever felt comfortable and safe around was you. After that it was like all the anxiety I had in the week before you came to visit just vanished and never existed in the first place. It was apparently silly anxiety anyway.
I am glad that you enjoy my hair longer. I had thought about cutting it again, but I think I'll just leave it the way that it is for now. While we are speaking of hair, I love the way that you have allowed yours to grow out, and how you have allowed the salt and pepper look to come back to it. It looks very distinguished. Very much like the man that I first met. I know you aren't always comfortable remembering yourself the way that you were back when you first came to Voyager, but it helps me to remember how I was when you first came to Voyager. How lost that I was, even though I appeared to have everything. Even though I thought that I had everything. There was a certain amount of change that occurred the moment that you beamed to my bridge. That spark. I know that you felt it too. You told me as much.
You once told me a story, back in happier times about an angry warrior who had found peace beside a warrior woman. For whatever reason, possibly stupidity, I never found the time to tell you just how much peace you brought to me during our days on Voyager. There were several times that I know that I would have just given up if you hadn't have been there. Hell I gave up several times with you there. Could you imagine if you weren't? I can't, though sometimes my dreams like to remind me.
I am sorry that my crying the morning you left hurt you so much, but you are right. That fear is still there, that it would be the last time that I ever saw you. I'm not allowing "the captain" to take over so much anymore. The woman in me is still too scared to lose you, and trust me I was as shocked by that revelation as you probably were.
I can't wait until you are able to come back again. There is still so much that we need to discuss. So much we need to plan.
Always
Kathryn.
******
Dearest Kathryn:
You know Tom has already made fun of me for this whole letter writing thing of ours. He can't understand why we don't just use the communicator so we can actually see each other while we are apart. He didn't understand the whole romantic aspect of writing letters. They didn't have video phones six hundred years ago and they seemed to manage just fine. In fact if it wasn't for letter writing we wouldn't have so much of the poetry and stories that we do now. We wouldn't have the reminder of how things were supposed to start. How the anticipation of seeing each other adds to the excitement. Then again this is coming from the same man who, after only five minutes into the conversation asked me if I had finally got you into bed. I decided it was best to leave that to his imagination. Expect a call from B'Elanna any time.
Speaking of which have you spoken with anyone in the last few days? Other than me I mean? There are a few things that are causing people to be concerned. I was wondering if you had heard anything from your mother about them, or even other members of the crew. Plus I was of course wondering if you had told anyone else about me coming to visit. Just so I know if I have anyone else to dodge questions from. It's not as though we have discussed enough for me to know exactly what to share. Most of the crew I'm sure will hear from Tom and come to their own conclusions. Not that I am worried about that. I am however worried about your mother. After everything you have told me about her, it sounds as though I might have to worry about the inquisition. Joking of course.
The academy is in an uproar about something. One of the other professors said or did something and everyone seems overly concerned. Strangely enough I can't find a single person that can tell me exactly what happened. All I know is that everyone is so distracted, and no one seems to be willing to help me figure out exactly what I need to be doing. The semester starts in two months and I do not know if there is anyone that I need to take my syllabus too, (though I'm sure there has to be someone), or where I am going to be teaching even. I hope it won't add too much to the time that I am away. I know it's getting cold up there in Canada, and you're going to need someone to keep you warm.
For always,
Chakotay.
******
Chakotay:
Don't worry about hurrying to get here. The fireplace is fully functional, and I want to make sure that you have everything set up so we can concentrate on us when you get here. I don't want any distractions except the ones that we create.
As you suspected would happen, B'Elanna called me earlier today to ask exactly what is going on with the two of us. Seems that Tom when home in quite the tizzy, and she didn't quite know how to take the information from Tom so she gave me a call. I didn't say too much, just enough to satisfy some of her questions. I don't really think I'm comfortable letting people know what's going on until I know what's going on. A few days talking with each other and reconnecting does not mean that things are going to be the way they were when we were on New Earth. Though I am certainly willing to try and get back to that place.
As for whether or not I have talked to anyone else since you were here the answer is of course yes. My mother tries to make sure to call me every day. She worries about me being up here all alone. The woman knows me well enough to know that seclusion and me don't always mix. I may have mentioned that you were her to visit me. She didn't seem to say much about it. Though if she calls again and you are here, then we both might have to take the time to answer some of her questions. Also Seven is coming out tomorrow to have lunch. She usually makes it out here once a week.
I love the idea of writing back and forth to each other. It is easier to keep an ongoing record of what we have said, in case we want to look back on our time together. And yes B'Elanna mentioned it too. Though she thought it was wonderful and said it was very "old school " whatever that means. She has spent too much time with Tom, now she's starting to say the strangest things.
I know it's only been three days, but I miss you.
Always,
Kathryn.
******
Dearest Kathryn:
I can't believe the differences in my mood in the last few days. I feel as though I have a little bit more of a bounce in my step. Everything feels different. Colours are brighter and smells are sweeter. Everything around me reminds me of you in some way. I am starting to wonder if there is even a reason for me to be here in the city any longer. I am not even focusing enough to get the work done that I need to. The people here have even mentioned the fact that I seem to be somewhere else. One of the guys definitely mentioned the fact that I look as though I had a woman on my mind. I think what I will do is wrap everything up and head out there. The rest of the lesson plans can be done while I am at the cottage with you.
I can't wait to sit next to you, to touch your soft skin. To be able to run my fingers through your long, soft, auburn hair. Things that I have missed doing since our time on New Earth. Well, if you don't count that one time we took leave about a year before we got home. I'm not sure you even remember that. The planet we were on was beautiful, and reminded you of Earth. Or at least I think you said it did. It might have been one of those days where everything reminded you of home. You had a lot of those in the last year. As I recall someone had been into the local wine and had quite the headache the day after. I can't even remember the reason why I ended up at your door. All that I do know is that I was glad to be there since you were very obviously in need of some company. I held you as you slept that night, and I think it was the happiest night that I had in close to three years. The next morning you were confused as to why I was there, but it didn't seem to bother you that much, and I didn't feel the need to bring anything up.
If everything goes the way that I want it to then you should have me at your house early tomorrow morning. I expect that you'll be awake since you're always awake before the sun comes up. Plus who could sleep knowing that I would be at their door in the morning?
Take care
Always,
Chakotay
******
Chakotay:
I realize that you are currently two feet away from me in my bed, but I felt the need to write you anyway. Perhaps it's my new found need to make sure that every moment of our time together is documented. It's like journaling but only the journal is for your eyes only.
It's been eight days since you got here for your second "visit" and every moment of that time has been wonderful. I can't imagine why on Earth it took us so long to get to this point. How did we not see that we would be so compatible in bed? It makes me both laugh and cry thinking of all the time we missed out on because we couldn't get past the obstacles out in the Delta Quadrant. How could I have been so stubborn? How could you have been so passive? Or was I really just that hard headed? I'm guessing the answer to that is probably the latter but it would still be nice if you lied and said it was because you didn't try hard enough. I promise to make it worth your while. There are a couple of things we did in this bedroom that might be more fun if we say, took it out to the living room. Just saying. I could come up with something. All you have to do is take the blame and admit you gave up on me too easy.
I realize to some people they might say that we are moving too fast. I think if they realized we just spent almost eight years doing the mating dance then they might change their opinion. I find that we moved far too slow. We did our time. We lived for everyone else, and duty and everything that we were supposed to even though we only wanted to be with each other. This is our time. I can't imagine taking it slow and doing everything that the rest of the couples do in order to appease some sort of social commitment. That goes for what the news media might say as well. I am aware that there will be a lot of people talking about how we spent all of our time on Voyager in the back room together. I am aware how quickly people's opinions can change. The Maquis are still not very well thought of, despite how well Voyager's crew was treated when we got home. I know that there were still whispers around the corners about how the lot of you were traitors. I know it's something that often weighs on your mind. I can tell you now that I really don't care what everyone else thinks about the two of us together. I don't care that people might think that I bedded you while we were stranded just so I could have the loyalty of you and your crew. They can say what they want. We will always know the truth. We will know everything we went through in order to get to the place that we needed to be.
These are things I know we already discussed. I have already told them to you many, many times in the last few days. I felt the need to put them in print so if I ever decided to be hard headed and fight dirty you can shove them back in my face. Trust me we both know that there is likelihood of me doing that, in case you don't remember history at all.
Maybe there are more things that we need to discuss, I'm sure Tom and B'Elanna will be the first to let us know, but in my mind when we get up in the morning we need to send out invitations to the "dinner" party. One week is more than enough time for use to get everything together that we need. There will be no fuss, no white dress, and no elaborate cake. Just me and you in front of all of our friends, admitting something to each other that we should have done years ago. It's the perfect day. It's my perfect day.
So here you have love. A full admission of everything that I have wanted to say, and have hoped to say, in a record that can be here forever. You can use it to remind yourself or me on those hard days, that we went through hell to get where we are. That after everything we are still together.
Love always
Kathryn.