A/N: Funny how the tiniest words of encouragement can breathe life into something I've tried to start no less than ten times. Thank you, tiltingaxis. Guaranteed you'll do it better, though. Also, major thanks to iGoToExtremes (Janine) for the encouragement and holygoof101 (Wendi) for only sort of making fun of me and my lack of email/social skills as well as her quick beta and encouragement. Title and inspiration from Vedera's cover of Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (do not ask me why, when, or how. I can't explain.)
Disclaimer: Still don't own. Still don't care. Don't sue - I don't have anything worth suing me for anyway. Except maybe my iPod, but that's already deeded to two people if we're being honest about things.
Words Are Very Unnecessary
It's kind of been like this for a while. He's pretty sure a while is about a week in this case. People keep trying to talk to him about it; by 'people,' he means adults and the thing is… the thing is he doesn't really trust them. He's very shaky on a lot of things at the moment, but that's not one of them.
Rachel hasn't pushed him to talk. They have talked some; she knows what's going on and she knows how torn up he is about everything and she kinda seems to know that he's talked about it as much as he really wants to. He doesn't need to say the same words over and over again 'cause that's what it would be. It's all the same shit over and over again with almost everything so why would this be any different at all?
Kurt hasn't pushed him to talk, either. Kurt was the very first person he told; Kurt was home from glee by the time he walked in the door after just sort of… he didn't even drive 'cause he left his backpack in Schue's classroom when he left and that's where his keys were. So he just sort of walked and wandered. It was all pretty aimless and he's still not sure how he ended up at home, but he did and he just kind of spit it all out while he was looking at this one spot on the baseboard in Kurt's room where the paint kind of splashed over the blue painter's tape. He thinks he might've the one that spilled in that one spot when the four of them were painting to get the house ready. It's tiny and he doesn't know how he even noticed it, except in that moment when he was completely studying that one small spot the whole time he was telling Kurt about his afternoon and why he felt like he got run over by a truck or something. He assumed from there, Kurt had called Rachel that eveningish and she was already on her way, worried he'd missed glee rehearsal and then not answered his phone (which was still in his backpack, too) and so they talked a little about him and then he talked to both of them.
So anyway, somewhere between the three of them there's been like maybe a medium amount of talking and a zeroish amount of pushing to talk more. Kurt leaves dinner on a plate wrapped in foil outside his bedroom door when he doesn't come out to eat 'cause he really has no idea what to say to his mom. Finn thinks this is his way of showing support even if Kurt probably doesn't understand entirely how he feels like garbage all the time right now. Burt told Finn to take it slow 'cause it was a lot in that room, and he hasn't really asked much because he left to go to Washington basically the day after the whole conversation turned Finn's whole life upside down. Or ripped it out by the roots. Or something else that drastic. He doesn't know; he hasn't been sleeping that much so he can't really think.
Mr. Schue and his mom, though, have kind of been making up for it. Schue keeps pulling him aside after Spanish… after glee… and has even run into him a couple of times in the hall. Every time, he just asks how Finn is doing and reminds him that he's there if Finn wants to talk. Finn always answers the same—"Do I seem okay?" and "I'll keep it in mind, thanks." He really thinks there's a lot in that 'if you want to talk, I'm here' that's more about other stuff. Schue wants to know if he can still count on Finn to be his best man; Schue wants to know if their like, weird student/teacher bond that's more like friends and sometimes outside of school in an uncreepy way—he wants to know if that's still a go and if they're okay. Finn doesn't really know the answer to any of it, doesn't know if he can be the best man or even any kind of man at all at this point, and all he knows is that the offers keep feeling more and more heavy. He's already broken so it's not like more shit piled on top is unbearable. It really, really doesn't matter at this point. He thinks it'd be kinda rude to just say any of that, so he just kind of politely keeps moving as soon as he can get away again.
It's not so easy to escape from his mom. She hasn't really said all that much, but he can feel her watching him carefully when he walks through the kitchen trying to get something for breakfast—anything—in a wrapper that Rachel won't complain about him eating. Of course, that's a whole conversation and they're not really talking so much at the moment (but not in a bad way.) He likes just laying with her in the quiet. She admitted she's kind of worried he doesn't eat much and he doesn't really listen to music much these days 'cause that's normally where she found him before; eating, doing homework or at least pretending to, tossing a tennis ball at the ceiling, whatever…but there was always something playing in the background. Now he kind of enjoys the silence 'cause music on top of the head going around and around just gives him more of a headache.
So his favorite times have become when he'll just lay on his bed, thinking but trying not to, enjoying the quiet and wishing just a little he could fall asleep for a while—and then she'll come in and it's like she just knows and she'll slip into his bed with him, under the covers because his room is usually cold, and her hands will make patterns on his stomach or chest. Sometimes he'll draw with his fingertip on her shoulder or the top of her arms; sometimes he'll doze off because nothing makes him feel okay like holding everything he trusts not to suck in his arms. Either way it's like the only time he can think straight.
He definitely can't think straight in the mornings in the kitchen when his mom is watching. He knows she's been really upset and on edge around him. The thing is, there are like two girls –two women—he knows better than anyone. So he knows by the way his mom breathes that she's trying not to cry when she's watching him in the kitchen. He also knows she's been crying a lot about him when he's not in the kitchen by the couple of texts he's gotten from Burt that beg him to try talking to her but… but that's not fair and why does he always have to keep trying and keep failing, to keep getting up and getting knocked over? This one… this one might just leave him knocked down for a minute and where is the problem with that? He also knows the first time she has talked, she'll just ask "How are you, swe—Finn?" with her voice fading out that she wants to talk to him but she's not sure how. They haven't had that particular problem a lot, him and his mom, but they're really having it now.
The night he thinks he's not gonna be able to leave it alone anymore, he comes home and looks for her after he gets in from Breadstix with Kurt and Rachel (who are then… like practicing or something to do with NYADA stuff—which he thinks actually means they're both eating cheesecake—so he just came home because he's pretty sure a whole cheesecake or any other food really at this point will just make him more sick than he feels like all the time). She's curled up on the couch with a book over a blanket over her lap and her head shoots up as he comes in the door. He doesn't know why he does it now, but he goes into the living room and sits down on the chair by the couch.
"I think I wanna talk," he says simply, quietly.
She puts her bookmark in her book and sets it down on the table. "Okay," she says and her voice is that breathy thing where she's trying to be strong but it's not so bad she's holding off tears yet. "So let's talk."
He's done his crying about this. He's not gonna do any more of it now. He really does feel sick but he's sure that'll take a while to go away and he hates hates that's how it is when he's talking to his mom. And he's just as surprised as anyone that the anger and, like, wronged feeling of it—well it's all kind of at least mellowed out. It doesn't just pierce him like it did the first couple of days when he would all of a sudden just remember. It still hurts like hell, but he can at least drop his shoulders a little and relax.
"I, um… I guess I have a lot to say and not a lot to say at the same time." He licks his lips and sits forward a little, his wrists on his knees, and he kind of wishes Rachel was here so they could go back to the cool quiet of his room together but… but he knows he needs to talk to his mom. They need to figure this out or they never really will and that would really not be all right. He can't be even a little bit okay until they talk. "I think I understand," he finally offers, still looking at her. "I mean, I think I understand what you were getting at when you didn't just tell me the truth and…" he tilts his head. "I really don't want to be mad so I'm trying not to be. It's going away because I do get it."
"Are you sure?" She asks. "Because I…I'll explain whatever you want me to. What do you want to know?"
He looks at her, trying to make it not be a dirty look because the first thing he can think is that he wishes this honest streak had happened sometime before. Just in like bits and pieces over his life would've been fine. He's sure she's right that he couldn't have handled the whole truth all at once. He's pretty sure he still can't handle it and stuff happened he doesn't wanna know about and really doesn't wanna face. He knows he fails a little at least, with not giving her a shitty look, 'cause tears come into her eyes.
"I don't…" he looks away so he's not looking at her with a shitty look and blows out a breath. He runs his palms over his thighs and shakes his head. "I don't…I don't really wanna know more. I just… I'm okay, mom. That's all I wanted you to know I guess. I just want us to get back to normal."
"You are…Finn… you're probably the most forgiving person I know. But please, please don't just let yourself get hurt without letting someone take responsibility if it's their fault. I'm sorry, Finn. I know how important it is to you for people to be honest and I violated that, even if I had reasons for doing it. And I don't think you shouldn't go into the A-Army if that's what you really want." She swings her feet down to the ground and he can feel her looking at him again but he can't really look just yet. "I just don't think that's what you're meant to do. I think… well, I think the Army would probably do the same thing to you that the Marines did to him."
He sits back in his chair, and now he can't not look at her. "You don't… you don't think I could handle it?"
"It's not that, sweetheart. Not at all." She sniffles and he knows tears are probably coming between the sniffling and her voice and he's still pretty sure he's not gonna cry this one out with her. "You are strong but you don't need to prove you're a man that way." She licks her lips and looks away. "Your dad thought the same things you said in that classroom though. He wanted to make his parents proud; wanted to make me and…and you proud of him. He wanted to be that hero. His reasons were not the reasons he should've had and I know that now." She reaches out and puts her hand on his leg and he wants to jump up and tell her to get it off because his shoulders are all tight again and his jaw is so tight it might be twitching a little. "I know enough to want to stop you from making the same mistake."
"If it's such a mistake then what in the hell am I supposed to do?" He bursts out, letting his frustration get the better of him. "I finally had an answer and now… now you don't think I can do it and Burt doesn't want me to and…" he shakes his head and remembers having this conversation, in this same chair, with a different person and with a really different result than this is gonna have. He's not totally surprised thinking about then and thinking about Rachel calms him down a little. He can at least hear his ears ringing now and feel his heart trying to pound out of his chest.
"You don't have to have all the answers," she says. Her grip on his leg gets a little tighter. "You're eighteen years old, Finn. You have plenty of time. There is absolutely no rush."
"I can't just stay here," he says, running his hands over his face. "I can't…I need something else."
"You have so much," she kind of squeak-whispers. "You have all the good parts of your dad and all the good parts of me. You have all these tools inside you to build something really special. It doesn't happen overnight. Look at Burt...he's run the shop his whole adult life and he's actually really happy in Washington." She sniffles again and he can't pull his hands away from his face. "And I'm… I'm really happy now that I have you and him and Kurt and all of that took time. And after your dad died, I never thought I would feel happy again. Then I did." She reaches up and pulls his hands off his face. "Even if Kurt and Rachel leave and you decide not to—you'll still be happy. You are resilient and you'll find a way; and it'll probably be in the way you least expect."
"Mom… the way I least expect comes back to bite me in the ass every single time. I just want something to go right. Or to stay the same just for a little while." He looks right at her. "And really, the one thing that was just like true, that I knew… it's changed, too. So I don't know. I'm just worried I'm gonna get lost. Or maybe I already am. I dunno. It doesn't matter."
"It does matter. You matter. I won't let you get lost," she says. "I didn't want you to feel all this pressure; do you understand that's part of why I didn't tell you the truth about your dad? Even if you have all the good things from him, you don't necessarily have the same bad things or the same hang-ups. You aren't destined to make his choices and live his life or worse, his death, just because he-he… he did." She stammers, and he knows it's probably hard for her to get those words out. She's still holding onto his hands and she squeezes them tightly.
He pulls his hands out of hers and wipes underneath his eyes, then sniffles, even though he's not crying. "I don't…" he shakes his head. "This is gonna sound mean and I don't want it to but how do I believe you? Can I?" He looks at her and sees her face crumple a little and he's sorry but damn it, he's not at the same time because it's a valid question. He hates how it's a valid question. "Just tell me I can trust you again."
There is a really, really long pause and he knows she's thinking; she's probably thinking over all the lies moms tell kids – stupid stuff like how the scanner at the grocery store is what makes your food have a good taste so you have to hand it over to the checker when you don't want to let it go, all the way up to bigger stuff like how your dad died because he met something he couldn't conquer—and making sure she doesn't have to include those. Those aren't on the same level as what he's talking about and she knows it. Although… it'd kind of be nice to get a blanket sort of agreement that would cover even little white lies because he thought that's what they had. "Yes, Finn. You can trust me. And I'll never lie to you again. I promise."
He hears the front door open and he knows Kurt is home and the conversation is over. Like, even if they weren't going to get accidentally interrupted, he thinks it's over anyway because he basically got what he needed and he thinks she did, too. He doesn't tell her the… the thing from the song about how vows are spoken to be broken. For some reason that's rattling around his head with her promise and it makes him a little nervous but… well. The thing with needing someone in your life is you know disappointment will happen eventually and you just sort of have to get over it when it does happen. He's really trying to just get over it. He's not going to fight her because he doesn't think she doesn't mean what she's saying right now.
Kurt comes crashing into their little bubble, however unintentionally. Finn's pretty sure Kurt didn't actually expect him to be in here and he's only speaking to Carole as he says "Well… for the record that is the last time I consume an entire cheesecake in one sitt-oh."
Yeah, that seals it 'cause Kurt's probably shocked Finn didn't just hide in his room as soon as he got home since that's been the normal pattern and he was even more depressed than normal at dinner. He stands up and shakes his head. "Don't worry; it's okay," he says. He breathes out and even though he was right on the verge of everything and basically nothing has been totally fixed and nothing has changed, he looks at his mom, and he even believes it just a tiny bit as he says "Everything's okay. Well… it will be."
She just nods and he stoops down to give her a kiss on the cheek. Kurt's still looking pretty surprised as Finn walks past and wishes him good night. And the thing is, maybe as he said the words, for the first time in a long time he's thinking it may be possible he'll have a good night, too. It's not all better—not by a long shot—but if he can just sleep on it, that might be all he needs for a new start.