Sing Me to Sleep
Summary: Everybody leaves without even saying goodbye, but that doesn't matter, because Amelia doesn't need anyone. She is fine… But maybe she does need someone – a friend, even if it's just for a short time. And maybe that friend is Addison.
You are sitting with your legs crossed in the middle of the couch. The house is so quiet now. Too quiet. You miss Bailey's laughing and when Zola calls you auntie. You even miss the way Meredith always runs confused through the house to get everything ready in the morning. You miss Derek. You miss everything about him, even when he yells at you for being irresponsible. But he didn't do that anymore, because you have gotten your life together, and still you sit here in the dark all by yourself.
You reach for the bottle of water on the coffee table just as your phone starts ringing. For a second you let yourself hope that it's Meredith, but it's not. It's Addison and you feel the disappointment deep in your chest. She is calling again, but you don't want to talk to her. If you do pick up the phone and speak with her then she will notice how bad things really are with you and then she will leave LA to come see you. She will bring that beautiful little boy of hers – your Godson – and you will love having them so close, but after a few days she will leave again, just like everybody else has.
First Derek.
Then Meredith and kids.
And then when you were least expecting it Owen packed his bags and left as well.
None of them ever said goodbye to you.
They just life you here alone in that big dark house that your brother built to the love of his life. You don't want to live in the house anymore. It's not yours. But that is also the reason why you can't leave. You can't sell a house that you don't own and where would you go anyway? If people really loved you then they wouldn't leave, right? And also, what if Meredith comes back? It's her house and she would want it back for her and the kids. It's their home.
You learn your head back against the couch cushion and close your eyes. Your phone lies beside you and it starts ringing again, but you just ignore it. When will Addison get it? She has called you almost every day for the last few months, but you haven't answered any of her calls. You spoke with Charlotte last week and you could hear Addison in the background telling her to asking you why you won't take any of her calls. Charlotte had ignored her and for that you were grateful.
You miss Charlotte.
You have never really had a best friend, so you don't know what it's like, but you think she is your best friend. Or she was. You haven't seen her in a very long time.
Maybe Addison was your best friend, too.
She was your sister.
You feel tears running down the side of your face and into your ears. You sit up straight and wipe them away angrily. You not want to cry. You are just missing your friends a little and that's not something to cry about, because you are fine.
You are fine, right?
You sigh as you get up from the couch. You don't want to sit in the darkened living room by yourself anymore. It's starting to get pathetic. You head for your bedroom, but then you hear a knock on the front door. You freeze. It's after midnight and you are out in the middle of nowhere. There shouldn't be anybody at the door now. There's another few knocks. You shake your head at yourself and then you walk over to the front door and open it.
"Addy."
It's all you can get out. You don't know if you are happy or angry to see her. Right now you are too surprised to feel anything.
"Amelia," she says and reaches out for you, but you take a step back.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was worried about you?"
"Why?" She doesn't answer, but you know why. She's worried that you might have started using again. But you haven't – at least not yet.
"Can I come in?"
You don't say anything, but you step to the side, so she can walk past you. She carries a small bag and you wonder if there is a suitcase in her car or if this is all she brought. "How did you know I was still living here?"
"I spoke with your mom."
You sigh. "Did she give you the address, too?"
"No, I knew where the house was," she says and lays her handbag on the dinner table. No one has eaten there in almost 6 months. You try to spend as little time at the house as possible. You pretty much only sleeps there, and that don't even happen that often anymore. The hospital is your home now, but not because you want it to be. You just can't stand the quiet anymore.
"How?"
"Derek bought this piece of land when we were still married. He lived here in a trailer for quite some time and it was the only thing he wanted in the divorce."
At the mentioning of your brother's name you feel your heart tightening in your chest. You hate when other people talk about him. But you do it yourself. You actually mention him a lot when you are at work, but it's usually some screwed up comments that make other people uncomfortable. If Violet had been here she would have told you to filter. "I don't want to talk about Derek."
"Okay."
"How long are you staying?"
"For as long as you want me to."
"What about Henry and Jake?"
"They are staying at a hotel in the city and I spoke with Webber and he told me that you got the day off tomorrow, so I thought we could spend it together."
"The four of us?"
"Yeah, maybe we could go to the park. Like you and Henry used to do before you moved."
That hurts. Why did she have to bring that up? You love Henry and even after you moved out of Addison's house, and got together with James then you still spent most of your time at the beach house. "He probably doesn't even remember me."
"Of course he does. He talks about his auntie Amelia all the time."
That hurts even worse, because it means that Henry misses you as well. You feel tears running down your cheeks again and you quickly turn around, hoping that Addison doesn't notice. But she does and you sigh deeply when she lays her hands on your shoulders from behind. "Don't touch me," you whisper.
"Why not?" she asks, but she doesn't remove her hands. Instead she lets them run down your back and then she wraps them around your waist. She hugs you from behind and you realize how much you have missed her. She might just have been your sister-in-law, but she is the best sister you have ever had. "Because I don't want to break," you cry and then you start sobbing and you can feel her arms tightening around your waist.
Addison turns you around in her arms and you bury your face in the gap of her neck. "It's okay," she whispers in your ear as she strokes your hair and lets you cry.
When you have stopped sobbing she helps you into your bedroom. She finds something for you both to sleep in while you just sit on the corner of your bed. You look at her, but you don't really see her. Your eyes may follow her around the room, but your thoughts are somewhere else.
"Here you go," she says and lays the clothes in your lap.
You look at it and then back up at her. "No one will ever call me Amy again."
"What?"
"If Meredith and the kids don't come back, then there won't be anybody left in my life that calls me Amy."
"That's not true. I still call you Amy. And so does Sam."
"No you don't. I told you not to, so you haven't done it in years."
"Do you want me to start doing it again?"
You shake your head. "It doesn't matter," you say and you want to add 'because you are just going to leave again in a few days', but you don't. You don't want to hurt her. You let the clothes fall of your legs and onto the floor and then you crawl into bed. It's not the first time you sleep in a pair of jeans. Addison follows your lead, but she changes her clothes and turns of the lights before getting under the covers. She lies so there is almost no space between you, and if she had been any other person then you might have moved away. But you like the closeness and you realize that you haven't been this close to another person in a very long time.
You roll onto your stomach and you look at Addison in the dark. She is looking back at you and it looks like she waiting for you to speak. But what does she want you to say? You have already told her that you don't want to talk about Derek, so what else is she expecting? You don't know, so instead you just ask, "Can you hold my hand till I fall asleep?"
"Of course," she says and moves her hand up to take yours that lies beside your head. She holds it tight and you close your eyes. "Do you want me to sing for you?"
"Like a 'goodnight song'?" you ask surprised as you opened your eyes again.
"Yeah, just like when you were little," Addison says with a smile as she strokes the back of your hand with her thumb. "So… you want a song?"
You nod. "Do you remember the words for "Asleep"? I still really like that song."
It had been your favorite song when you were younger and every time Addison had been at the house around your bedtime then she would sing it to you. The first time she had asked you if you wanted a song, then you had told her that you were 12 years old and too big for that. But Addison had just said that no one ever got too old for a goodnight song and then you had cuddle up with your stuffed unicorn and asked her to sing "Asleep" by The Smiths.
Addison smiles again. "Of course I remember. I must have sung it to you like a 1000 times, but I always thought it was so sad and I couldn't understand why you liked it so much," she says and starts stroking the back of your hand again. "Do you remember the last time I sung it to you?"
You shake your head a little, but you do remember. It was at Liz' high school graduation party and you had been 15 and very drunk. It was your first time drinking and also the first time you got your stomach pumped.
"Yeah, I don't remember either," Addison says, but you know it's a lie, because she was the one who brought you to the hospital and stayed the night with you. She also promised you that she would never tell your family what happened and she never did. Just like you never told anybody about her affair with Mark. "Now close your eyes and then I will start singing."
You do as you are told and then you curl into a ball and move your cold feet up, so they are resting against her thighs, just like you used to do when you were a kid.
"Ready?" she asks. You nod and then she starts singing, "Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I... I want to go to bed. Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. And then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me in the morning, 'cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know. Deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go."
Addison starts to hum and you sigh. You feel like you are 12 years old again. Like there is actually someone who cares about you. You may have a big family, but it was like none of them ever really saw you. Not until Addison came. You were the little sister she had always wanted but never gotten. She listened to you. She made you feel seen.
You know it's dangerous to feel this way, because Addison isn't staying, but you were wrong when you tried to convince yourself that you didn't need this, because you do. You need this. You need someone you love to be in your life, even if it's just for a little while.
Before you fall asleep the last thing you feel is Addison's hand stroking yours and the last thing you hear is her voice singing softly in your ear. "Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. Sing to me. Sing to me. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know. Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go. Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. There is another world. There is a better world. Well, there must be. There must be. There is another world. There is a better world."