It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia:
"Dennis Has A Snoopy"
By
Aaron Stauffer
© Copyright 2006 Aaron Stauffer
COLD OPEN
INT. PADDY'S BAR
MAC and DENNIS are standing at the bar, hitting it off well with two attractive ladies.
DENNIS
And that's why we had to go back for him the very next day.
All four of them laugh.
TINA
Aww. MAC, you are so cute.
MAC
I am so cute.
LIBBY
Gosh TINA, and you thought we wouldn't meet even one cute guy at an Irish bar. Looks like we've found two.
Both girls giggle.
TINA
I need to visit the little girl's room. Don't you go anywhere my little cutie Mac-Mac. LIBBY?
TINA leads LIBBY to the restroom. MAC and DENNIS congratulate each other.
MAC
This is so great!
DENNIS
Isn't she incredible?
MAC
They are both incredible. You know, usually I hate it when you tell the story about my visit to the mental ward. But tonight, I don't know. I feel it working.
DENNIS
You see my power? Huh?
MAC
I see your power.
DENNIS
(laughing)
I have them in the palm of my hand. Now, continue to place your trust in me. If they come out of the bathroom laughing, we are both going to get lucky in a major way tonight.
MAC
The exit laugh?
DENNIS
That's right. The exit laugh means that the dance is over. It means we are going to find a place to-
TINA and LIBBY walk out of the restroom towards MAC and DENNIS, giggling at each other along the way.
MAC
We are so finding a place!
TINA
Do you guys want to find a place
(pause)
a little more comfortable?
MAC
Yes!
DENNIS
High-five!
DENNIS and MAC give each other exuberant high-fives, and the ladies giggle even more. Each girl grabs a guy by the hand and leads them out of the bar.
EXT. JACUZZI
DENNIS and MAC are standing at the edge of a bubbling Jacuzzi. LIBBY and TINA are already inside the water, both topless. The guys are staring open-mouthed at the nude girls.
LIBBY
Come on boys!
(pouting)
Aren't you going to skinny dip with us?
DENNIS and MAC look at each other with congratulatory smiles as they hastily undress.
MAC
I don't tell you this enough DENNIS, but I love you.
DENNIS
It might be a strong admiration, but it's not love.
MAC
No, I'm pretty sure it's love dude.
DENNIS
I love you too MAC, but let's save our kudos for each other until we have some clothes on.
MAC
Agreed.
Once the guys undress, they walk to the Jacuzzi. Each is confidently striding to the ladies, a long-awaited goal reached at last.
TINA
Oh my god LIBBY! Look! DENNIS has a snoopy.
LIBBY
(laughing)
Oh my! You are right. How cute.
The guys pause at the side of the Jacuzzi with confused looks on their faces.
DENNIS
A snoopy? What's a snoopy?
The ladies eyes both drop down to DENNIS' crotch.
LIBBY
Oh, don't be embarrassed. I think snoopies are cute.
DENNIS
(panicked)
MAC, what's a snoopy?
MAC's eyes drop to DENNIS' crotch, and widen with realization.
MAC
Oh my God dude. You're
(pause)
uncut.
DENNIS' face reddens in embarrassment and his hands drop to cover himself.
DENNIS
I hate you MAC.
ACT ONE
INT. PADDY'S BAR
MAC and DENNIS are drinking at the bar, and obviously have been for some time.
MAC
Dude. You and your, your thing screwed up my game today.
DENNIS
Your game? Excuse me? You wouldn't even have been in the game without my expertise.
MAC
Do you have any idea how hard it is to recover from the dual shock of shame and fear? You freaked out last night.
DENNIS
I am not a freak!
MAC
I'm not saying that, but I am saying that you freaked out dude. You freaked.
DENNIS
Maybe you are the freak. You are the mutant.
MAC
Me? I am normal. I am just like everybody else.
CHARLIE enters the bar and greets his arguing friends.
CHARLIE
Hello my dear friends. I have some great news.
DENNIS
You can be just like everyone else. Around here. I am just more sophisticated. More complete. More European.
MAC
More asshole.
CHARLIE
The news is so great that I don't even care if you guys hear me or not.
DENNIS
I am not a freak Charlie.
CHARLIE
Yes you are.
MAC
You really are.
CHARLIE
So, after lunch today I was walking along, minding my own business, when a sign was visited upon me.
MAC
A sign? Like from God? To you?
DENNIS
Maybe everybody else is like me, MAC. Maybe you are the freak.
MAC
Trust me, DENNIS. Everybody is like me. You are odd man out.
DENNIS
Yeah? And just how do you know this? Have you checked out other guys?
MAC
I don't know about checked them out, but I've observed the common man and the common man is snipped.
DENNIS
You've observed? You creepy, crotch-gazing-
CHARLIE
(excitedly blurts)
I am going to be in a movie!
DENNIS
You?
DEE comes out from the back room.
MAC
What movie?
CHARLIE
Oh now you two want to be my friends. That's okay. You two can still be part of my entourage.
DEE
That's a fairly weak entourage.
CHARLIE
Oh, it's the resident dream-stealer. Killer of dreams. Faithless DEE, I said they could be part of my entourage. Part, denotes that there is more. More entourage!
DEE
More assholes.
CHARLIE
A large entourage DEE. Without you! A DEE-less entourage.
MAC
That's not fair DEE. I'd be a great addition to any entourage. Even DENNIS, with his disability might be good for an entourage.
DENNIS
(hissing)
MAC!
MAC
Okay, maybe disability is too strong a word. You and your kind can still have children, right?
DENNIS
MAC. I really wish you wouldn't.
MAC
CHARLIE is going to be in a movie. We need to be there for him, despite our positions of strength, or in your case DENNIS, of weakness.
CHARLIE
Thank you MAC. Red-carpet friends.
CHARLIE and MAC shake hands.
DEE
You are all delusional.
MAC
It's called vision DEE. And CHARLIE needs to stay away from negative people right now.
CHARLIE
Thank you MAC. I was walking down the street and this remnant of an actor's call fell right in front of me. A floating remnant that read: WE WILL TAKE ALL TYPES. THIS MEANS YOU. ONE-DAY ONLY CASTING CALL. SATURDAY NIGHT 9 PM. A sign.
DEE
But you are not an actor CHARLIE.
CHARLIE
I've dabbled, DEE.
(pause)
Wait. Did you just say the common man is snipped?
MAC
Yes. Our tips were snipped off dude.
DENNIS
Brutalized. Look, I'm just saying, 'why is it the standard?'
DEE
He's uncut CHARLIE.
CHARLIE
Uncut. Uncut how?
DEE
His little willy.
DENNIS
Aw, come on. How did you know?
DEE
I took a picture of the thing while you were sleeping and asked around.
DENNIS
Oh god.
CHARLIE
Uncut. I wonder, what is that like?
DENNIS
I'm the same as you CHARLIE. If you cut me, I still bleed red!
FRANK walks into the bar with a skip in his step, smiling broadly. He is dressed in a nice suit. He walks up to the gang, and waits for them to notice.
CHARLIE
What does it look like?
DEE
Oh, it's disgusting.
MAC
The girls last night called it a snoopy.
DENNIS
That's enough! No more conversation regarding my penis. You are my sister and my best friends. This is not appropriate.
FRANK
We elected not to have the procedure done.
DENNIS
How could you? You are the worst father.
FRANK
I had these enormously angry clients and-
DENNIS
I wasn't circumcised because of one of your clients?
FRANK
The doctor, my client, advised me that it was purely cosmetic, with no health risks. You do need to make sure you keep it clean though DENNIS. Are you keeping it clean down there?
CHARLIE
I want to see it. No one gave me a choice, no one asked for my consent. Let me see what I'm missing dude.
DENNIS
This isn't happening.
FRANK
So, anyone care to ask why I am all dressed up?
MAC
Going to a bris?
DENNIS
I hate you MAC.
FRANK
I'm going to be in a movie!
FRANK and CHARLIE make a simultaneous dash for the door.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. LOBBY CASTING OFFICE – LATER
CHARLIE is beaming at the receptionist. There are other men filling out paperwork on clipboards.
CHARLIE
I'm here for the part.
RECEPTIONIST
Okay. Fill out the top sheet.
CHARLIE
Formalities, right.
CHARLIE sits down and begins to fill out the paperwork. FRANK saunters in, grinning ear to ear. He walks up to the receptionist with grandiose gestures.
FRANK
Hark! Forsooth! Alas poor Yorick!
RECEPTIONIST
Okay. Fill out the top sheet.
FRANK
Gotta follow the channels. I see. Star treatment after this though, right?
FRANK scans the room for a place to sit and spots CHARLIE who is glaring daggers at him. He sits down next to him.
FRANK
I'll give you a hundred dollars to just go home.
CHARLIE
No way. This is my gig. It came to me as a sign.
FRANK
Like from God? Take two hundred dollars.
CHARLIE
No FRANK. You are not going to buy your way into this one. This one is about talent. You either have it or you don't.
FRANK gets up and tries to drag CHARLIE from his seat.
FRANK
Take one for the team CHARLIE. Go home.
CHARLIE
It came to me as a sign! I'm not going anywhere.
Another man filling out paperwork sitting next to CHARLIE interjects.
MAN
Guys. Chill out. There will be room for all of us. We are going for a record. Trust me. We will all get a chance, and maybe more than one if you know what I mean, especially if we are the only ones who showed up. As long as no one else comes in, we will all get more than our fair share.
FRANK lets go of CHARLIE's arm and sits down next to him. He gently smoothes out CHARLIE's clothes and then his own, breathing heavily.
FRANK
Guess I can stop with the cutt-throat politics. We can be comrades.
CHARLIE
Comrades? This is my destiny. You will not take it away!
FRANK
Brother's in arms. Will you listen to the monologue I prepared?
CHARLIE
Fill out your paperwork.
FRANK
Right.
CHARLIE and FRANK resume completing the paperwork. A couple of guys enter the room and are given paperwork. Each time another guy enters, the entire room of applicants groan.
CHARLIE
Jesus! I hope these bozos are the last ones. You heard what that guy said, the less guys, the more time for us.
CHARLIE and FRANK are focused on their paperwork as MAC and DENNIS enter the lobby and walk to the receptionist, each dressed to the nines and get their clipboards of paperwork. The room groans. CHARLIE looks up and notices his friends. He pokes FRANK.
CHARLIE
Look at this. I can't believe it. This was supposed to be my moment. It was a sign! God-dammit!
MAC
Come on. Afraid of a little competition?
DENNIS
Yeah. We figured we all deserved a shot at the lifestyle. May the best man win.
FRANK
Look CHARLIE. It's the Gentile and the Jew.
DENNIS
This is your fault dad! Making fun of the results of a callous decision? What kind of monster are you?
FRANK
A very rich monster. Look, if it will make you feel better, I'll pay for a circumcision.
CHARLIE, DENNIS and MAC groan collectively.
MAC
At least you have options dude.
CHARLIE
One man's burger is another man's filet mignon. Why so eager to get rid of your foreskin? I'd kind of like mine back.
MAC
Did you just compare a foreskin and/or lack thereof to cuts of beef?
CHARLIE
I did. I did.
FRANK
I had a friend from France who converted late in life. He said it didn't hurt at all. It's just a little snip and then you just have to keep the penis-wound clean.
DENNIS
That's it! You are all banned from discussing my penis. It's my no-no special place and the future regarding self-mutilation will be my business.
MAC
It's not like getting a nipple-piercing dude.
DENNIS
Enough!
The receptionist clears her throat and the room falls silent.
RECEPTIONIST
Okay. I've a preliminary count of 57. This isn't going to get us a largest ever gangbang, but we will hit the books for the largest in Philadelphia.
The men in the room cheer and clap. The gang and FRANK look at each other with confusion on their faces.
RECEPTIONIST
So tomorrow, at six p.m. come back here with your AIDS screens, and then we get rolling.
FRANK
A porno? CHARLIE, your sign from god was a porno?
CHARLIE
It's not pornography. It's art!
MAC
Well, DENNIS, I guess you're out of this one. Tough break.
DENNIS
What's that supposed to mean? I could be in a porno.
MAC
You are actually going to go through with this?
FRANK stands up and drops his paperwork on his chair.
FRANK
I'm going to go to the races.
FRANK leaves the lobby.
CHARLIE
Leaving so soon FRANK? Can't handle the business?
MAC
Yeah. Guys, I don't think the acting life is for me either.
DENNIS
You know CHARLIE? You were right. This is your destiny. I'm not trying to crowd you, bro. This is your stage, your dream, your sign from God.
CHARLIE
(growling at DENNIS and MAC)
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
(looking up at the heavens and shaking his fist)
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MAC
The Lord works in mysterious ways, CHARLIE. Why fight it?
CHARLIE storms out of the lobby in a wordless rage. MAC and DENNIS are left alone. They just look at each other.
DENNIS
Now it's just us.
MAC
You aren't thinking about doing this, are you?
DENNIS
No, no. Of course not. Are you?
MAC
No way. I don't ever want to be naked with you again, dude.
DENNIS
Meaning that if I wasn't here, you'd sign up?
MAC
(laughing)
No. Not at all. Nope this isn't my scene. Let's go get drunk.
MAC and DENNIS leave together smiling. DENNIS exits first and MAC turns a wistful eye back towards the lobby, before walking out.
EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – THE NEXT DAY (LUNCH)
The entire gang is seated at an outside table, eating lunch. None of the guys are eating or looking at each other. They seem to be avoiding eye contact and are idly picking at their food.
DEE
So, what happened at your audition, CHARLIE?
CHARLIE
See? Right there.
DEE
Where?
CHARLIE
You're smug. You don't care about the audition.
DEE
Okay, fine! I don't care.
MAC
Could you please pass the salt CHARLIE?
CHARLIE
Sure thing.
DENNIS
Nice day, isn't it?
DEE drops her fork on her plate with a demonstrative movement of frustration.
DEE
What the hell is wrong with you guys? What's going on?
The guys look around innocently. The guys respond all at once in a rush.
MAC
What? What do you mean?
DENNIS
Nothing's going on! Nothing to see here.
CHARLIE
The questioning mind, always questioning.
DEE
You guys are creeping me out.
DEE gets up from the table and storms away.
MAC
That was weird.
DENNIS
Odd child.
CHARLIE
I want to see it DENNIS.
DENNIS
See what?
CHARLIE
(pause)
Your snoopy.
MAC
DEE was right. You two are creepy!
MAC gets up and leaves abruptly, leaving CHARLIE and DENNIS alone.
CHARLIE
It's just that, in a world that is smashing and smashing and smashing us into each other, you have something unique. Your body has
(pause)
personality. I want to know what it looks like.
DENNIS abruptly stands up at the table, knocking his chair over.
DENNIS
You want to see it? Then what CHARLIE? Are you going to want to touch it? Are you going to ever let me be?
CHARLIE
No, DENNIS. I don't want to touch it. I just want to know what it feels like when-
DENNIS
(in a rage)
You are not going to touch my penis CHARLIE. Not now, not ever. You will never touch me there. Never. You pervert!
DENNIS storms off. An OLD LADY sitting at a table next to CHARLIE narrows her eyes at him.
CHARLIE
(calling after DENNIS)
Fine! I'm not paying for you guys. Any of you! DENNIS, the least you could do, considering your condition, is to leave a tip!
OLD LADY
No means no, you creepy little man!
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INT. PADDY'S – LATER
DEE is wiping glasses behind the bar, while FRANK is sitting at a back table counting stacks of money. DENNIS and MAC are conspicuously keeping their distance from each other. DENNIS is ricocheting the cue ball around the pool table, lost in thought. MAC is sitting at the bar, whittling a small piece of wood with a pocketknife.
DEE
What? What are you doing?
MAC
I'm whittling DEE.
DEE
I don't understand.
MAC
Whittling. A manly tradition passed from father to son, the carving of small pieces of wood.
DEE
I'm not slow, MAC. I know what whittling is. Why are you doing it?
MAC
Trying to keep my mind off something.
DEE
Dad, how come you never taught DENNIS how to whittle?
FRANK
DENNIS can't handle a blade.
DENNIS
Oh come on! I can so handle a blade. Where is this coming from?
FRANK
It's nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people can't do things so well. Take DEE for example. She can't get a man. I don't hold your shortcomings against you.
DEE
I can too get a man!
MAC
DEE, he means one that is not gay and/or criminally insane.
DENNIS
I can too handle a blade!
DENNIS marches to MAC and tries to wrestle the knife out of his hands.
MAC
What are you doing dude?
DENNIS
(straining)
Give me the blade.
MAC
It's a pocketknife.
DENNIS
Give me the blade.
MAC
You are going to cut yourself!
DENNIS
Let go!
MAC
You are going to cut me!
In a burst of power, DENNIS wrests the knife away from MAC. He also rips the sleeve completely off one of MAC's arms. When DENNIS pulls the pocketknife free, he cuts his fingers. With blood streaming down his hand, he brandishes the pocketknife around him in an arc.
DENNIS
Nobody move.
CHARLIE enters the bar to see DENNIS wielding the bloody pocketknife. He stops short as he realizes the situation is abnormal. MAC approaches DENNIS with his hands spread wide.
MAC
Dude. You don't know what you are doing with that thing. You're bleeding.
DENNIS
Stay back!
DENNIS' wild eyes spot a band-aid on the inside of MAC's arm.
DENNIS
What's that on your arm MAC?
MAC clasps a hand over the inside of his bare arm.
MAC
Nothing.
DENNIS
Is that from a blood test MAC? A recent AIDS test perhaps?
MAC lunges for DENNIS.
MAC
Gimme that knife!
MAC and DENNIS again wrestle for control of the pocketknife.
DEE
MAC you have AIDS?!
A loud gunshot shocks MAC and DENNIS back into sanity. DENNIS drops the knife to the floor. FRANK is standing with one hand on a stack of money and the other pointing a handgun up towards the ceiling.
CHARLIE
(awestruck)
Whoa. That was so cool!
FRANK
What the hell is the matter with you DENNIS?
DENNIS stares at the ground in shame.
DENNIS
I don't know.
FRANK
MAC what the hell is the matter with you?
MAC
(sputtering)
Me? Me? DENNIS is the one with the blade and the blood.
FRANK
Do you have AIDS?
MAC
N-no. It was just a precautionary screening. That's all.
DENNIS
So it is from an AIDS test!
MAC
I don't have time for this. Freak.
MAC storms out of the bar.
DENNIS
See Dad? You made me this way.
The sound of sirens reaches the gang. FRANK hurriedly gathers his stacks of cash.
FRANK
It's the damn cops!
FRANK pulls a suit case from behind the bar and dumps the cash into it. An OLD MAN staggers into the bar with a dazed look. He walks directly to DEE.
OLD MAN
Whiskey. Whiskey please.
DEE serves him a shot which he immediately downs. DENNIS is still standing holding the knife. The OLD MAN starts shaking.
CHARLIE
Are you okay?
OLD MAN
Another.
DEE serves him another shot. The OLD MAN downs the second one.
OLD MAN
(CON'T)
I am celebrating. Everything is most definitely okay.
DEE
That's nice. What are you celebrating?
OLD MAN
My wife and I have a small office upstairs. Been in this awful building for 23 years.
CHARLIE sits at the bar next to the old man.
CHARLIE
Let me have one of those too, DEE.
DEE serves them their whiskey.
OLD MAN
Oh she was a real shrew, my wife. She would nag and nag morning, noon and night. She used to make me want to pray the Lord's Prayer in reverse- I would beg for him to take my soul.
CHARLIE
What's to celebrate?
The OLD MAN downs his shot.
OLD MAN
The old bitch was complaining about my usual deficiencies. I had tuned her out like I have a million times and found myself imagining different ways for her to die. And then, my daydream was shattered by the sound of a gun. The next thing you know, she fell down dead. It was like God shot her or something. Woo-hoo!
FRANK snaps shut his suit case. DENNIS, DEE and CHARLIE are staring at FRANK with looks of horror.
FRANK
Gotta love a story with a happy ending.
DEE
Oh my God, Dad.
FRANK
What?
DENNIS
Dad. How could you?
FRANK
It was an accident. Gotta go. CHARLIE look after my share of things around here, will you? I'm going to lay low for a while.
FRANK dons a pair sunglasses and marches towards the exit of the bar, suitcase in hand. Two cops enter the bar and FRANK looks at them and pushes past them. They shrug and focus on bloody DENNIS.
COP 1
What's going on here?
COP 2
Looks like there is violence on every floor of this building.
DENNIS
Oh, I cut myself.
COP 1
Looks like there was a struggle.
DENNIS
No struggle.
CHARLIE
What happened officer?
COP 2
Lady on the second floor, mysteriously shot. Bullet came up from the floor.
OLD MAN
Bullet came down from heaven, that's what it did.
COP 2
It came from down here.
COP 1
Now we want to know what happened. Someone is in a lot of trouble.
COP 2
Looks like murder.
OLD MAN
The hand of God.
CHARLIE
Look God doesn't work that way. I know. I've asked.
Another officer enters the bar, with a suspect in tow. It is MAC.
COP 3
Look what I found in the alley trying to escape.
COP 1
The shooter!
COP 2
Definitely. Look at him. Career criminal probably.
COP 1
From the looks of things, this street punk comes in here with a gun, trying to strong arm these idiots at the bar. There is a struggle as they try to defend themselves, gun goes off in the moment, and bloody common criminal takes off running like a coward.
MAC
I didn't shoot anyone!
COP 3
I told you to shut up.
MAC
It wasn't me!
MAC twists away from COP 3 and bolts out of the bar. All three of the cops take off after him. DEE, DENNIS and CHARLIE are stunned at the recent flurry of events.
OLD MAN
Now that she's gone, I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do. I'm going to be in a movie!
INT. PORNO LOBBY – A FEW HOURS LATER
Several actors are milling around talking. FRANK enters the lobby, nervously glancing around. He still has his sunglasses on. He sits down and hides behind a newspaper. Next enters OLD MAN with a broad grin. He takes a seat. A moment later, after FRANK is settled, CHARLIE enters, also wearing sunglasses. He takes a seat, unknowingly next to FRANK. Next, DENNIS walks inside. He and CHARLIE make eye-contact, just as FRANK pulls down the newspaper. They look at each other wide-eyed. DENNIS sighs and turns around and exits. CHARLIE gets up and follows, leaving FRANK.
FRANK
Ah. What the hell am I doing?
FRANK gets up and leaves the lobby. A moment later MAC opens the door, breathless and bloody. He looks behind him and then enters, smiling broadly.
END