I wanted to toss off something funny, and anything involving Yoda and masturbation was sure to at least raise a couple of eyebrows, if nothing else. This stems from a conversation I had with celticphantasm a while back.
Summary: Yoda, um. Masturbates. Yes. Set sometime between TPM and AotC; Anakin's about fourteen-ish here. Rated PG-13, for what it implies more than anything.
Hands Free
His curiosity was initially piqued when he overheard a snippet of conversation between Obi-Wan and Master Windu. His own Master had only recently joined the Jedi High Council, and so these house calls had become a fairly regular occurrence. The door to his own quarters was propped open just a smidge, and he set his data-pad down, straining to hear what was being said.
"Master Yoda seems much less aggravated these days," Obi-Wan noted. The acknowledgment about in-fighting in the Senate and general political distrust that had seemed to leak from all corners of the universe since the Separatist leaders had grown more powerful in their cause was left unspoken, but the implication was obvious. That is, Yoda had plenty of reasons to be feeling frazzled these days.
Mace Windu polished off the last of his tea and set the cup down on the low-slung table. "Well, you know," he said cautiously, quietly enough that Anakin had to crane his neck to hear. "He's really gotten into that whole tantric meditation thing lately." His deep vocals dropped an octave lower. "He even knocks a few off during Council meetings. It's a hands-free kind of deal, so he likes to think nobody else notices. Helps him to relax."
"Oh, how very interesting." Obi-Wan's voice was polite, but Anakin knew from years of living with him that it was a fa ade, cordiality used to mask whatever vague amusement or contempt he felt he had to hide for the sake of keeping up appearances.
Mace eventually stood, his brown robes sweeping the floor as he stretched a little. "Thanks for the tea," he said, then gestured at the small stack of books deposited on Obi-Wan's table. "Check out those texts when you get a chance, too."
"I will, Master. Thank you for stopping by," Obi-Wan replied graciously, showing him out. Anakin waited until the exchange of niceties was over before sauntering casually into the kitchen for a glass of water. "Working on your homework?" Obi-Wan asked, just a bit too hopefully.
Anakin nodded. "Yes, Master," he said dutifully. It seemed to have lured Obi-Wan into a false sense of security as he'd hoped. "Master," he said again a moment later, "what's tantric meditation?"
Obi-Wan blinked a couple of times, seeming to silently draw the conclusion that Anakin had, in fact, overheard his earlier conversation. "It's a method of meditation involving the emptiness of self," he finally explained. "A way to minimize the Ego in all of its various forms. For instance " He launched into a detailed explanation, his voice becoming white noise in Anakin's ears, as it often did during lectures. The boy sighed; this was not what Obi-Wan and Master Windu had been speaking in such carefully coded language about, he was sure of it.
"Yeah, yeah, I get it, Ego, emptiness, whatever." Anakin waved his hand impatiently. "What did Master Windu mean that Master Yoda was 'knocking a few off' during Council meetings?"
He was gratified to see Obi-Wan flush. "Anakin, that's not even a remotely proper thing to talk about," he said, his voice nary above a whisper.
Anakin's brow furrowed. "What? Why? It's not as though he were masturbating in the Council chambers or anything " His eyes lit up. "Holy bantha, he was, wasn't he? Wow, that is a really disturbing mental image." He thought about it a moment longer. "Don't you feel sorry for whoever has to clean that chair?"
"Anakin!" Obi-Wan frowned severely, nearly dropping the empty mugs he was carrying to the sink. "I am not going to discuss this with you, end of story." He twisted the hot water knob with just a touch more force behind it than necessary. "Now, go back to your room and at least pretend that you're being a diligent Jedi apprentice and studying."
But Anakin had never figured out when to leave well enough alone. "Do you practice tantric, er, 'meditation', Master?" he continued brightly. "It might help you relax "
"Go." Obi-Wan's eyes were fairly murderous, and Anakin suddenly feared somewhat for his life. He scurried off, images of Master Yoda pleasuring himself permanently seared into his mind.
The subject of Yoda's tantric dallying did not come up again in conversation. Anakin snickered a little about it to himself, but recognized the futility of trying to engage Obi-Wan in a discussion that he wanted no part of. Likewise, his Master was much too proper to broach such a topic of his own accord.
The entire incident was seemingly forgotten until weeks later, when Obi-Wan and Anakin's collective presence was requested at dawn in the Council chambers. Anakin was confident that they were to be briefed for a new mission, and the notion of getting away from Coruscant for a while put him immediately in bright spirits. And while it did not particularly bother Obi-Wan one way or the other where duty called him, he was secretly relieved to see Anakin happy. At fourteen, the boy was just so bloody temperamental.
Master Yoda and Windu were the Council chambers' sole occupants when they arrived, which wasn't surprising for something routine as sending Jedi off on a mission, nor was it odd for Windu to do most of the talking. His explanation was brief, just detailed enough to clue Obi-Wan and Anakin in on the complexities of the world they would be visiting, and little more. Again, this was hardly a surprise; Mace was an uncomplicated (yet extremely wise) man, and his speech patterns wholly reflected that.
What was a tad off-kilter was Master Yoda; usually serenely poised in his designated chair (designed to accommodate someone as short and squat as he was), the esteemed Jedi Master seemed not at an unrest, per se, but definitely fidgety. Windu was apparently doing his damnedest not to notice. "So with any luck," he said, after pausing to clear his throat. "We'll see you back here in a week's time to hear your report."
Obi-Wan bowed respectfully and nodded; Anakin, whose gaze was fixed on the squirming green creature to Mace's right, hastily affected a similar posture after a moment of deliberation.
"Mmm," Yoda finally spoke. He hummed a few more times, his small claws gripping and un-gripping the armrests of his chair. A strange growling sound rose from his throat, low and guttural, and he rocked a little, finally swallowing hard. He paused to clear his throat as well. "A good job, you will surely do," he rasped, his voice still husky. "Off, you shall go."
Neither Obi-Wan nor Anakin needed to be told again. Anakin, for his part, felt smug; a lesser Jedi would have thought Yoda's mysterious gurgling was simply the product of age and respiratory problems. But he knew better.
He turned pointedly to Obi-Wan. "Master," he whispered excitedly as they pushed open the chamber's heavy doors. "Was he doing what I think he was do-"
"Anakin, if you don't want me to leave you on this sordid little planet we're 'visiting' in a week's time, I suggest you never mention anything involving Master Yoda and tantric 'meditation' in the same space of time to me again," Obi-Wan hissed. Anakin gulped and nodded weakly.
Back in the Council room, Yoda sighed happily. "Aaahh," he said, beaming. "Cleansed the palette, that did."
Mace feigned a smile. "I'll bet." He stifled a sigh. That one was going to be a bitch to clean up.