Remus remembers the first time he found Sirius wasn't the man he thought he was. It was a day, like any day, Remus sat outside on the grounds of Hogwarts studying for a Charms test he knew he would ace, when he saw it.
Sirius and Lily. Kissing.
Of course, James and Lily weren't dating. Quite the opposite really. Lily still hated the star seeker, and his friends. Or so Remus had thought. But As Sirius kissed her neck, and pushed her against the castle wall, Remus was sure that she and Sirius were far from hating each other.
His mother always told him, that there was thin line between love and hate. Remus wondered if Sirius and Lily were playing on that line. He wondered how betrayed James would feel, if he knew his best friend was outside, kissing the only girl he had ever wanted to be with. Remus tried not to think about it, and went casually back to his reading, as Sirius and Lily continued on.
Remus remembers, what if feels like to taste fire for the first time. He remembers what it's like to know what you have, and know that it will never be truly yours, but take it anyways. He knows what it's like to feel like the luckiest person in the world, with your favorite thing, but then walk outside into the real world only to find that the rest of the world shares this treasure with you.
Remus tells himself that he knew Sirius was like this from the beginning. Knew that he would always be free and wild. Someone no one could ever tame.
But something inside convinced him he could. Or at least, try to.
It was late one evening, As James and Peter Decided they wanted to go on a kitchen raid, and Sirius refused to go, saying he was really getting behind in homework . Which was true, but even for Sirius, thinking slightly about work other then Quidditch or work on his Black Motorcycle was weird.
James shrugged and walked out of the common Room, with Peter dragging behind. Remus looked up at Sirius to see him looking , or at least trying to look at if he was concentrating very hard. "What homework are you doing Sirius?" Remus asked setting down his quill, in an offer to help his friend.
Sirius sighed let his head fall against the table, mumbling something un-hearable. "What?" Remus asked moving closer to hear his friend. "I'm shagging Lily , Remus! Damnit I have been for nearly three months. God damnit! James would Hex me if he knew. How could I do that to my best friend?" Sirius hissed covering his face with two large tan hands.
Remus was silent for a few moments, because even though he suspected something was going on between , never did shagging come to mind. Or three months. "Fuck , Sirius...I dunno...I mean...I dunno..."
Sirius stood and walked over to Remus and sat down next to him , looking terrible. Remus remembers imagining this. Sirius looking upset and needed comfort, and then Remus would kiss him. Or Sirius would kiss Remus. And even though if seemed so wrong, Remus couldn't help but be tempted As Sirius leaned back to let his head rest against the back of the leather chair, that sat behind them.
A large Adams apple bobbed up and down as Sirius shallowed and Remus had to make himself look away before he did something he would regret forever. "I always fucked things up Don't I Remus? My mum was right...I always fuck...."
"Shut up Sirius." Remus snapped suddenly. Sirius's head snapped up looking at him . "Moony I ...."
"You act like your so fucked up the arse, and you are but it's your own doing. You can fix it if you want but god...." Remus took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice down. "Some people....Some people can't change problems in their lives. You have a chance to, you have the opprotuntity to. But some people don't. " Remus said , shutting his book and standing up suddenly.
In back of his mind, Remus thought he heard Sirius stand as well, but he couldn't hear the foot steps as blood boiled in his ears. "Remus." Sirius said as a hand landed on the smaller boys shoulder. Remus turned his head to look up at him.
Sirius had always been the more attractive one in the group. Shaggy black hair. Shining Blue gray eyes. The kind of Bloke that could get any girl. Remus sometimes hated him for that.
Sirius let a hand ghost over Remus's Left cheek. "Like you. " He whispered. Remus said nothing, but cocked an eye brow at the taller boys words. "Like You Remus. You said some people had real problems. Problems they don't have the opportunity to fix. Like the wolf."
Remus sighed and tried to step away from Sirius's abnormally serious gaze.
But the taller boy just stepped forward, catching Remus's face in his hands for real this time. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruin Everything. I'm sorry I can never do the right thing..." Sirius whispered. Remus shallowed and bit his lip thinking about James , and Lily and Everyone else Sirius had crossed in his life.
"Me too." And then lips fell over his and arms wrapped around his waist. Moans and groans were pushed from his throat and clothes ripped off his body.
Someone once told him, that if you play with fire you will burn. Remus knows it's true. But some burns and scars, you can't see.
Remus remembers the first time he felt real pain. The kind of pain , no one else could see, feel , or even understand. The kind of pain that could drive a man insane. It was late, and house elves had long ago blew out the candles of the castle. Remus sat awake reading a book, because he couldn't sleep.
He could never sleep the night before the full moon.
James and Peter Slept on, as a quiet rain storm fell over the school. Peter snorted every now and then, and Remus would sigh and look at his watch every few minutes. Wondering what time Sirius would be back, from where ever he was.
When the door creaked open at three thirty. Remus closed his book and sat up waiting for Sirius to speak. "Moony?" Sirius hissed pulling back the bed curtains Remus had had closed. "Sirius." Remus said moving over so his friend could sit down next to him.
Sirius shrugged off his leather jacket and black school pants, leaving him only in boxers. Shivering , Sirius slid under the covers and pulled Remus over to him. "Hmm.."Sirius murmured , resting his head atop of the smaller boy.
Remus sighed and bit his lip. Sirius Smelled of Lavender . Like Lily. The smell Lily always carried where ever she went. "Missed you..." Sirius mumbled kissing the top of his head. Remus buried his head in the crook Of Sirius Neck.
'I trusted you....' Remus's mind slurred, before drifting off to sleep.
Remus knows Sirius isn't his. He knows it every time Sirius comes back to the seventh year dorm smelling like Lily, and when he grabs random girls in the corridors smirking. He knows it when He sees him kissing girls and boys alike behind the Quidditch stands, and Even in the end When Sirius Comes home to him, and pulls him close, telling him how much he loves him.
He knows it. He sees it. But never does he admit it.
Remus remembers thinking it's easier to lose something when it was never really yours in the first place. He remembers laying in bed, after the full moon, in his flat,and hearing Sirius come home. But not alone.
With a witch. He remembers hearing moaning, and then Sirius telling her she had to leave, because he had to do some business for work. Remus remembers trying to pretend like he was asleep after Sirius came into the room.
Remembers Sirius kissing his cheek lightly, before pulling him into his arms and falling asleep.
Remus also Remembers a week later When Sirius is captured and sent to Azkaban. Leaving Remus with nothing but a memory.
Sirius of course had always been unstoppable. Not even Azkaban could hold him forever. Remus knew that one day, his past would come back to haunt him, and he knew that when that day came he wouldn't be ready. Perhaps because he would never be ready.
Sirius told him of the haunting dementors, and tells him that the only thing that ever kept him sane was thinking of him. Thinking of Remus. Remus knows it isn't true. Because he knows that he could have never been enough for Sirius.
But Remus believes him anyways.
A week before everyone moved into the order House, Sirius Kissed Remus for the first time in nearly eighteen years. It was strange, because Remus had forgotten why he wanted Sirius so much to be his back then.
Remus had forgotten how much he had wanted Sirius to only moan out his name. To only think about him, and to only want to be with him. But one kiss from Sirius, and Remus remembered.
"Help me Remus..." Sirius muttered against his lips. Remus moaned and pulled him closer. "Help me feel again...Please.."
No one could have denied Sirius what he needed. And Remus realizes that even he was vulnerable to a four letter word. Love. And He does Help Sirius feel. But along with that Remus opens a door that had long ago been shut.
Two weeks later, Remus wakes up to Sirius crawling sleepily into bed. Smelling of Summer and Flowers. And most of all, sex. Remus knows it could have been almost anyone. Tonks. Kingsley. Bill or Charlie. He cringes at the thought of Harry of Hermonie or any of the other children.
And As Sirius kissed his ear and sighs happily, Remus wonders why he will never be everything that Sirius needs.
He had told Dumbledore that keeping Sirius locked up would be the death of him. He knew it would come , and that nothing could stop it. But he almost didn't believe it as he held Harry tightly against his own chest, and Sirius fell beyond into the veil. He still didn't believe it as He stood over and small monument that the order built for him just outside Hogwarts , on a hilly grass field.
Remus wonders why Sirius never thought he was all he needed. Remus wonders why he always crawled back , and told him, he was the only one that could ever make him whole again.
Remus remembers when his mother told him, that there was a thin line between love and hate. He wonders , if maybe, He and Sirius had played on that line as well.
Sirius and Lily. Kissing.
Of course, James and Lily weren't dating. Quite the opposite really. Lily still hated the star seeker, and his friends. Or so Remus had thought. But As Sirius kissed her neck, and pushed her against the castle wall, Remus was sure that she and Sirius were far from hating each other.
His mother always told him, that there was thin line between love and hate. Remus wondered if Sirius and Lily were playing on that line. He wondered how betrayed James would feel, if he knew his best friend was outside, kissing the only girl he had ever wanted to be with. Remus tried not to think about it, and went casually back to his reading, as Sirius and Lily continued on.
Remus remembers, what if feels like to taste fire for the first time. He remembers what it's like to know what you have, and know that it will never be truly yours, but take it anyways. He knows what it's like to feel like the luckiest person in the world, with your favorite thing, but then walk outside into the real world only to find that the rest of the world shares this treasure with you.
Remus tells himself that he knew Sirius was like this from the beginning. Knew that he would always be free and wild. Someone no one could ever tame.
But something inside convinced him he could. Or at least, try to.
It was late one evening, As James and Peter Decided they wanted to go on a kitchen raid, and Sirius refused to go, saying he was really getting behind in homework . Which was true, but even for Sirius, thinking slightly about work other then Quidditch or work on his Black Motorcycle was weird.
James shrugged and walked out of the common Room, with Peter dragging behind. Remus looked up at Sirius to see him looking , or at least trying to look at if he was concentrating very hard. "What homework are you doing Sirius?" Remus asked setting down his quill, in an offer to help his friend.
Sirius sighed let his head fall against the table, mumbling something un-hearable. "What?" Remus asked moving closer to hear his friend. "I'm shagging Lily , Remus! Damnit I have been for nearly three months. God damnit! James would Hex me if he knew. How could I do that to my best friend?" Sirius hissed covering his face with two large tan hands.
Remus was silent for a few moments, because even though he suspected something was going on between , never did shagging come to mind. Or three months. "Fuck , Sirius...I dunno...I mean...I dunno..."
Sirius stood and walked over to Remus and sat down next to him , looking terrible. Remus remembers imagining this. Sirius looking upset and needed comfort, and then Remus would kiss him. Or Sirius would kiss Remus. And even though if seemed so wrong, Remus couldn't help but be tempted As Sirius leaned back to let his head rest against the back of the leather chair, that sat behind them.
A large Adams apple bobbed up and down as Sirius shallowed and Remus had to make himself look away before he did something he would regret forever. "I always fucked things up Don't I Remus? My mum was right...I always fuck...."
"Shut up Sirius." Remus snapped suddenly. Sirius's head snapped up looking at him . "Moony I ...."
"You act like your so fucked up the arse, and you are but it's your own doing. You can fix it if you want but god...." Remus took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice down. "Some people....Some people can't change problems in their lives. You have a chance to, you have the opprotuntity to. But some people don't. " Remus said , shutting his book and standing up suddenly.
In back of his mind, Remus thought he heard Sirius stand as well, but he couldn't hear the foot steps as blood boiled in his ears. "Remus." Sirius said as a hand landed on the smaller boys shoulder. Remus turned his head to look up at him.
Sirius had always been the more attractive one in the group. Shaggy black hair. Shining Blue gray eyes. The kind of Bloke that could get any girl. Remus sometimes hated him for that.
Sirius let a hand ghost over Remus's Left cheek. "Like you. " He whispered. Remus said nothing, but cocked an eye brow at the taller boys words. "Like You Remus. You said some people had real problems. Problems they don't have the opportunity to fix. Like the wolf."
Remus sighed and tried to step away from Sirius's abnormally serious gaze.
But the taller boy just stepped forward, catching Remus's face in his hands for real this time. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruin Everything. I'm sorry I can never do the right thing..." Sirius whispered. Remus shallowed and bit his lip thinking about James , and Lily and Everyone else Sirius had crossed in his life.
"Me too." And then lips fell over his and arms wrapped around his waist. Moans and groans were pushed from his throat and clothes ripped off his body.
Someone once told him, that if you play with fire you will burn. Remus knows it's true. But some burns and scars, you can't see.
Remus remembers the first time he felt real pain. The kind of pain , no one else could see, feel , or even understand. The kind of pain that could drive a man insane. It was late, and house elves had long ago blew out the candles of the castle. Remus sat awake reading a book, because he couldn't sleep.
He could never sleep the night before the full moon.
James and Peter Slept on, as a quiet rain storm fell over the school. Peter snorted every now and then, and Remus would sigh and look at his watch every few minutes. Wondering what time Sirius would be back, from where ever he was.
When the door creaked open at three thirty. Remus closed his book and sat up waiting for Sirius to speak. "Moony?" Sirius hissed pulling back the bed curtains Remus had had closed. "Sirius." Remus said moving over so his friend could sit down next to him.
Sirius shrugged off his leather jacket and black school pants, leaving him only in boxers. Shivering , Sirius slid under the covers and pulled Remus over to him. "Hmm.."Sirius murmured , resting his head atop of the smaller boy.
Remus sighed and bit his lip. Sirius Smelled of Lavender . Like Lily. The smell Lily always carried where ever she went. "Missed you..." Sirius mumbled kissing the top of his head. Remus buried his head in the crook Of Sirius Neck.
'I trusted you....' Remus's mind slurred, before drifting off to sleep.
Remus knows Sirius isn't his. He knows it every time Sirius comes back to the seventh year dorm smelling like Lily, and when he grabs random girls in the corridors smirking. He knows it when He sees him kissing girls and boys alike behind the Quidditch stands, and Even in the end When Sirius Comes home to him, and pulls him close, telling him how much he loves him.
He knows it. He sees it. But never does he admit it.
Remus remembers thinking it's easier to lose something when it was never really yours in the first place. He remembers laying in bed, after the full moon, in his flat,and hearing Sirius come home. But not alone.
With a witch. He remembers hearing moaning, and then Sirius telling her she had to leave, because he had to do some business for work. Remus remembers trying to pretend like he was asleep after Sirius came into the room.
Remembers Sirius kissing his cheek lightly, before pulling him into his arms and falling asleep.
Remus also Remembers a week later When Sirius is captured and sent to Azkaban. Leaving Remus with nothing but a memory.
Sirius of course had always been unstoppable. Not even Azkaban could hold him forever. Remus knew that one day, his past would come back to haunt him, and he knew that when that day came he wouldn't be ready. Perhaps because he would never be ready.
Sirius told him of the haunting dementors, and tells him that the only thing that ever kept him sane was thinking of him. Thinking of Remus. Remus knows it isn't true. Because he knows that he could have never been enough for Sirius.
But Remus believes him anyways.
A week before everyone moved into the order House, Sirius Kissed Remus for the first time in nearly eighteen years. It was strange, because Remus had forgotten why he wanted Sirius so much to be his back then.
Remus had forgotten how much he had wanted Sirius to only moan out his name. To only think about him, and to only want to be with him. But one kiss from Sirius, and Remus remembered.
"Help me Remus..." Sirius muttered against his lips. Remus moaned and pulled him closer. "Help me feel again...Please.."
No one could have denied Sirius what he needed. And Remus realizes that even he was vulnerable to a four letter word. Love. And He does Help Sirius feel. But along with that Remus opens a door that had long ago been shut.
Two weeks later, Remus wakes up to Sirius crawling sleepily into bed. Smelling of Summer and Flowers. And most of all, sex. Remus knows it could have been almost anyone. Tonks. Kingsley. Bill or Charlie. He cringes at the thought of Harry of Hermonie or any of the other children.
And As Sirius kissed his ear and sighs happily, Remus wonders why he will never be everything that Sirius needs.
He had told Dumbledore that keeping Sirius locked up would be the death of him. He knew it would come , and that nothing could stop it. But he almost didn't believe it as he held Harry tightly against his own chest, and Sirius fell beyond into the veil. He still didn't believe it as He stood over and small monument that the order built for him just outside Hogwarts , on a hilly grass field.
Remus wonders why Sirius never thought he was all he needed. Remus wonders why he always crawled back , and told him, he was the only one that could ever make him whole again.
Remus remembers when his mother told him, that there was a thin line between love and hate. He wonders , if maybe, He and Sirius had played on that line as well.