Heads turned as Headmaster Dumbledore stood. His eyes twinkling madly, he was dressed in flashing pink and purple robes with decorative songbirds, he looked particularly mad that evening.

"Dear students," he said, "tonight we have a special gift for you all. The Hogwarts Glee club has been working on a routine that they would be pleased to share with the student body." There were cheers from various students (the Ravenclaws and Gryffindors mainly) and disinterested clapping and (from some) even outright boos (mostly from the Slytherins, if one decided to notice such things). "Now, before our dinner appears as it does every night, may I present . . . New Directions."

The lights immediately dimmed dramatically. Some of the younger girls screamed and giggled together, but the rest of the hall fell silent. Then a spotlight appeared, focused on the ceiling. Excited chattering broke out as everyone realized that someone was being lowered from the ceiling. It was hard to tell who it was from the height, but most people assumed it was Rachel Berry, the well-known Slytherin star of Glee. But as the person lowered further, it became apparent that they were, in fact, not Rachel and, surprisingly, not even female.

"The French are glad," sang Kurt Hummel, Ravenclaw diva extraordinare, clad expertly in, of all things, a dark green kilt and a collared white shirt, the sleeves rolled up and the neck open to show collarbone, "to die for love. But I," he added, a smile starting to unfurl on his face as he was brought closer and closer to the ground, "prefer a man who lives and gives expensive jewels."

Music, bright and poppy and a complete contrast to the slowness of the tone before, started as Kurt's feet touched the ground. His hip cocked, showing off his outfit, he started to sing:

"A kiss on the hand might be quite continental,

But diamonds are a girl's best friend."

Behind him, various Glee members were filling in, adding their voices to his. The girls were all dressed up in very fine Muggle dresses, although all of them were showing more leg and neck than usual. The boys were dressed as Kurt was, although in pants instead of a kilt.

"A kiss might be grand, but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat,

Or help you feed your pussy cat."

Kurt moved over to the Ravenclaw table, singing mournfully to Wes and David, who were, in that order, glaring at him and trying to stifle laughter:

"Men grow cold as girls grow old

And we all lose our charms in the end."

He tossed his hand, abandoning his sad facade.

"But square cut or pear-shaped

These rocks don't lose their shape!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend."

"Tiffany's," Kurt half-whispered to some Muggleborn Hufflepuff fourth years, who giggled at the reference. "Cartier's . . . ."

Moving back swiftly to the front, Kurt was joined by all the girls in Glee club. Behind them, the boy danced to a simple two-step, adding backing vocals when necessary.

"'Cause we are living in a material world

And I am a material girl."

Fromt the left side, the Glee club director, Professor Schuester appeared. He was wearing an old-fashioned jacket and a top hat, which actually looked rather dashing on him. Behind the girls, the boys started to approach. Kurt whirled around and blew kisses at them.

"Ah, come and get me boys," he sang teasingly, "Black Star, Ross Cole," he whirled to face Schuester, pulling him in by his tie until he was singing in his face, "Talk to me, Will Schuester, tell me all about it!" Releasing Schuester, he turned towards the front again."There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer," he sang.

Schuester took Kurt's old place amongst the girls, singing with them, "But diamonds are a girl's best friend."

Kurt turned towards them, smiling, "There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer thinks you're-"

"Awful nice," Schuester finished for him.

"But get that ice or else no dice!"

The girls started in on the chorus together:

"He's your guy when stocks are high

But beware when they start to descend

Oooh, diamonds are a girl's best,

Diamonds are a girl's best

Diamonds are a girl's best friend."

Kurt started moving towards the Gryffindors. Blaine Anderson, he saw, was watching him with wide, amused eyes. Kurt's smile widened and he made a beeline for Blaine. He stopped in front of Blaine, tipping his head up so he was singing right into Blaine's face.

"'Cause that's when those louses go back to their spouses,

Diamonds are a girl's . . . best . . . friend."

Kurt continued to keep his hold on Blaine's chin as the music died, and it was only Blaine's hand pushing his gently away that brought him, blinking and bewildered, back to the Great Hall, where people were standing and applauding. Blushing a little, he made his way to the front of the room to take his bow. He determinedly ignored Blaine's stare boring into the back of his neck.