HIS PRICE TO PAY
Once again, he was reminded of the truth.
The all-consuming truth he could never excape from, no matter how fast he ran, no matter how far he ran. It was alwas there, taunting him, laughing him in the face.
Neverending pain.
Living forever does not mean happiness. It does not mean freedom and strength.
The only thing you get out of immortality is pain and there's nobody who knows that better than the Doctor.
He was sick of it. Sick of losing the people he loved, sick of the pain, sick of living. Who wants to live forever if the price you have to pay is eternal loneliness?
As he looked up at the stars tonight, he could no longer see the beauty. He saw only the vast nothingness.
There were whole worlds out there but he would never be a part of either of them.
He would forever be the traveller, the lone wanderer. Always there to help but never actually getting to be happy. Of course there were moments when he was happy, ecstatic even but those never last long.
Two years, five years, hell even ten years! That was nothing. Not compared to the time the Doctor has wandered this universe. And they didn't even make it that long.
So he decided to run. Run as fast as he could, like he'd always done. But it doesn't work. He'll always find someone, he'll always get attached.
He hopes, every time he hope again that maybe, just maybe this time it wouldn't be like all the other times. He hope against all reason that this time it would be different.
But every time he's mistaken yet again.
Each time he gets hurt again, each time his hearts grow cold a little bit more.
But it's never enough. It's never enough to make him stop, to make him remember the pain whenever he meets somenone new;
it's like the universe is trying to teach him a lesson, getting him hurt over and over again, like it wants him to finally realise that there can never be anybody for him, that he has to stay alone. It's the price he has to pay for the things he's done. And it's only fair, he knows that.
Immortality is supposed to be a gift but it's not. To the Doctor, immortality means being alone, it means losing everyone around you;
it's pain, neverending pain.
And no matter how far he runs, he will always get hurt again.
With each person, his pain and his coldness grow stronger but it will never be enough.
Not quite.
He will never reach that point where he just does not care anymore and that is his curse.
No matter how hurt he gets, no matter how much he tries to fast he runs, he will never be able to escape the truth:
the Doctor will always be all alone in this vast and huge universe, constantly fearing the loss of another loved one, trying in vain to save himself from the eternal pain.