Fic: (if this ain't love) then what is
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Takes place during 3x12, so let's say that whole episode to be safe.
Summary: "I mean, what would you do if Blaine proposed to you today?"
Words: ~ 1350.
A/N: Self-indulgently writing Kurt's thoughts during the sleepover scene? Why not. Title is from Adele's Willing To Take The Risk, because... Adele. And also reasons.
It boggles the mind.
Kurt knows that Blaine is the one. He's known that Blaine is the one in some abstract, teenage sense, one that he didn't let himself fully trust, for longer than he can really identify, but it's only recently, since they've been this, since they've been so good, so so in love, and together, and fighting everything that's been thrown at them, that he's allowed himself to do more than abstractly plan a wedding, dream of a vague New York life that's fast approaching, and mull over which combination of their last names sounds better. There's a certain childlike quality to that - not a childishness, just an innocence - without the sexual component he'd always associated with the word. A touch of the fingertips may be part of the sexiest it gets, but Kurt has learned that there's the potential for it to mean so much more. And now that he's seen that, now that they've fought, and overcome so much crap, his certainty is deeper, the bone deep knowledge that this, Blaine is the one that needs to work, that's worth everything to keep close and safe.
"I mean, what would you do if Blaine proposed to you today?"
He doesn't expect his friends to have relationships as stable as his (because that way lies madness), and he doesn't expect fountains of sanity, because this is Rachel and Finn they're talking about here. Their history is so complicated and ridiculous that he actually had to plot it out for himself when he filled Blaine in on it, and while he loves Finn as a brother, and Rachel as one of his closest friends (and occasional rival), he'll be one of the first to admit that they have their own special brand of crazy.
But still, them being engaged…
It boggles the mind.
When she first says the words he has a brief moment, one he's not proud of, where he wants to laugh. Because, in a way, this seems like it could be the next overdramatic gesture in the soap opera that is their relationship. But then he sees the ring flash in the light, and it occurs to him that this is real, that Finn has actually proposed to Rachel Berry with the intent of marrying her soon, and that… that's disbelief. Because he's had his own theories about the future of their relationship over the years, through his crush, and the break-ups, and the reconciliations, but everything he knows about both of them screams that this is… well… it's so many things. Impuslive, irrational, probably a decision made due to circumstances that are not the best, and… what on Earth are they thinking?
And that's where his reactions come from, disbelief and lack of understanding, before those thoughts are even fully formed, and he means what he says, he can't believe Finn didn't tell him, and that he thought this is a good idea, and he's going to go home and -
"I mean, what would you do if Blaine proposed to you today?"
He has a promise ring at home, a gum-wrapper ring more precious that diamonds, that speaks the answer to that question.
"I mean, what would you do if Blaine proposed to you today?"
Blaine and I are different.
And the knowledge of that answer silences him, because what kind of hypocrite does that make him? Is it naive to say that his relationship is better than hers? No, not better - just… more.
He and Blaine, they're more.
But he and Blaine are different. They aren't getting married now, or even after graduation (his or Blaine's). And all they've talked about, the plans they've made, they're all centered around fulfilling their dreams together, not escaping from the fear of not achieving them. Their future is based on love, yes, but it's also based on all the things they want, things that are lucky enough to coincide in some ways, and they'll have to work on the things that don't. Married by thirty, legally (although he's hoping they won't wait that long). He doesn't expect it to be perfect - after his first year in New York (NYADA-permitting), Blaine will join him, and there will be struggles (which he will not be referring to as any thing to do with ramen, Rachel Berry, what is wrong with you?). But he and Blaine will survive, they'll find a way to survive, and, not to be judgmental (okay, maybe a little) but Finn and Rachel have been together this time for how long? And their volatile relationship has ended how many times?
And none of that is to say that they aren't in love, or that they won't end up together, but Kurt knows for a fact that Finn hasn't been expressing interest in college since he was disappointed by OSU, and what exactly are his plans in New York? And what exactly does Rachel forsee this relationship - this marriage, god - being based on?
He knows they love each other, his clueless stepbrother and ambitious friend. But - and he's a little afraid that thinking this might make him an awful person, or brother, or friend - he's always seen them as a couple who need to grow. God knows Finn has growing to do, and Rachel has so many dreams ahead of her, dreams that take focus, and dedication (he should know)…
It just… it boggles the mind, that's all.
He's thinking all of this as the movie continues, and the protagonist vascilates between one well-groomed supernatural being and the other (and really, Bella Swan, have you seen those abs? Why is this even a question?), and his mind races back and forth between a mature-feeling certainty and the realization that he's not much older than them, not much more experienced, and what does he know?
No, really, what does he know?
He loves Blaine. Blaine's the one he's going to make it work with, the one worth everything, and this may be his first love, but that doesn't make it any less true. For all he knows that might be true of Rachel and Finn (part of him is skeptical, but who is he to say?), but the major difference is that Finn and Rachel, as Rachel had confided to him, had gotten back together with the specific deadline of graduation. They hadn't decided to break up, but they had gone in with the knowledge that they wanted very different things. And the only thing that's changed there is Finn's knowledge of what he wants.
And, call him a hopeless romantic ("You're a hopeless romantic", Blaine's voice says in his head), but being confused and lost doesn't seem like a great basis for a healthy marriage.
He's too tired to think more on that right now.
He loves Blaine. He knew it was true back in May when he said it, but if anything it' just become more true since then, with all the handholding and disagreements, intimacy and knowledge that comes with falling in love with your best friend.
He knows that Blaine is his future, whatever happens to those around them, the people they love, whatever he ends up telling Finn, or whether they come to their (questionable) senses, or Ms. Pilsbury has appropriate pamphlets for this scenario (what's a pithy way to say 'So you're getting engaged because you're afraid of failure?'), he'll be there, and he and Blaine will make what they have work.
And as the movie finally ends, Rachel and Mercedes already close to asleep as the credits roll, he picks his phone off the bedside table and sends a quick text.
Whatever the future holds, I can't wait to spend it with you.
Blaine's already asleep, the meds will have knocked him out hours ago, but however confused the response will be, he knows it will come with thoughts of the future, their future, their love, and as he settles into Rachel's fluffy pink pillows he is smiling a smile of someone who loves, and is fully loved in return.