AN: This takes place way before Keller, so it's old McKay. Cocky. Arrogant. Proud. Hilarious.
To be honest, not all of the explosions were their fault. Mostly they were Zelenka's, and if he had listened to McKay those explosions wouldn't have happened. But, no, Elizabeth had to over react and make them set up a lab off world. To make matters worse, it was uninhabited. Something about not accidentally injuring other people. Uninhabited planets where uninhabited for a reason. Seriously, did they really want to take the chance that the brilliant Dr. Rodney McKay could be killed? That's why he insisted on a full detail of marines as bodyguards. Elizabeth reluctantly agreed.
A couple days passed without incident as Zelenka and McKay studied the Wraith storing technology and how they could use it to their advantage. The marines were beginning to wonder if there was any danger here at all. If there was something in the forest, it would've already found them because of the loud, ridiculous arguments that came from inside the "lab". It was really just a big tent, not exactly soundproof. The marines were treated with accusations, berating, and the sound of a long beep as experiment after experiment failed. Most of them considered this was the worst babysitting job they had to take.
As another long beep began, Dr. Rodney McKay stormed out of the tent (Well, as good as one could storm out of a tent.), his face red with anger. "I told you the parameters were all wrong! How you got to be an engineer is beyond me," he yelled over his shoulder. Zelenka was yelling unprintable curses at his back.
"Everything all right there, doc?" one of the marines asked with a slight smirk on his face.
"As if you'd understand," McKay snapped. "I'm going to go over there," he pointed at the edge of the clearing, "and take a couple of deep breaths." He stomped off, cursing Zelenka under his breath. They just looked at each other and rolled their eyes.
When McKay reached the edge he realized he had to pee. He glanced over his shoulder and saw that no one was looking, but what if someone did while he was peeing? He was always nervous about peeing in front of other people. He walked deeper into the dark forest, his urge to pee stronger than his fear of the planet. For now. He found a spot and started to pee. Ah, instant relief. He happened to glance beside him and saw something white like gauze a few yards away. He squinted to try to see what it was and almost instantly turned white.
It was a giant spiderweb. It was so big that he couldn't even see where it ended. He didn't even stop to think. The fear conquered his bladder. He turned and ran. In his confusion, however, he ran the wrong way, going deeper into the dark forest. His brain had shut down and all of his thoughts made no sense. Out of the corner of his eye he saw something big and dark running beside him through the trees. He couldn't make out what it was, but it didn't matter at that point. All he knew was that it was big and it was scary and it probably wanted to eat him.
His throat started to work and he began to scream. A long, high-pitched scream that had no end. It was primal and it was the exact same scream of a neanderthal being chased by a saber toothed tiger.
Finally, he remembered words. "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! HEEEEEEEELP! MAAAAYDAAAAY! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"
Something caught his foot and he went down hard face first. He struggled violently at whatever beastly tentacle had caught him, but it only made it worse. He rolled around, but the beast wrapped more tentacles around him. His movements were becoming more and more restricted until he couldn't move at all. His eyes were squeezed shut. If it was going to eat him, he didn't want that to be the last thing he saw. His life flashed before his closed eyes. All the papers he wouldn't write. All the brilliant theories he wouldn't prove. He'd never get to second base at least with Samantha.
That thought made him fight the beast off for as long as he could. But the tentacles squeezed harder every time he moved. He stopped, unable to fight any longer.
"Samantha,"he whispered and died.
He woke up at the sound of laughter. The marines were standing in a circle around him, and they were the ones laughing. So hard that they couldn't talk.
McKay was confused. He saw one of the marines bending over and silently shake with laughter as he began to cut McKay loose from the vines he had gotten himself tangled in. He wondered how he could play this off. Nothing came to mind.
One of them helped him up, but couldn't look at him long enough without laughing. The forest didn't look as dark as it did before, he noticed. McKay wiped his hands on his shirt and cleared his throat, putting on a haughty expression. "Well." He shuffled back and forth as he tried to think of something to say. "Did you see that spiderweb?"
This made them laugh even harder. "That's a plant. Parrish showed it to me on another world," one of them managed to say.
McKay turned around and stomped away, the marines following him a couple feet behind. When he got to the clearing he noticed his pants were wet. Of course. He even managed to pee all over himself. At least they didn't notice.
"We'll leave out the part where he peed his pants." They all agreed on that.