Warriors Super Special Awesome Edition

Firestar's Ego Stroke

Firestar stared out over the ShadowClan territory in the most emo way possible. How had Tigerstar been able to reproduce? It wasn't possible. No she-cat would ever willingly have smex with someone so eeeeevillllll. But Bramblepaw and Tawnypaw were living proof. Firestar had no choice; he would have to execute them to stop their characters from developing any more. After all, their back story was already angstier than his, and that was unacceptable.

Suddenly, Bramblepaw leaped out of the undergrowth, hitting Firestar in the back and knocking him to the ground.

"Eat asphalt you frigging Mary Sue!" the young apprentice yowled. "Er, um, I mean, tag, you're it!"
"We weren't playing tag, Tigerst—er, I mean, Bramblepaw…I mean…Plot Device," Firestar snapped. "Now get off of me before I have you executed while your sister watches."

"But Fiiiiiirestaaaar, Tawnypaw is in ShadowClan, which automatically makes her eeeeevillllll!"

"Shut up already, Plot Device! Let's get back to the camp before this pointless training exercise gets out of hand." They walked back to the ThunderClan camp in silence, guided only by their memory and the cool moonlight that filtered down through the trees.

Back at the camp, everyone was asleep, save for the guards. They nodded respectfully for Firestar, who smiled as his ego went up five points. Firestar's ego points had been well into the nine thousands ever since Bluestar basically said "fuck you, I'm leader so nothing you say matters," to her Clanmates in order to make him a warrior. Firestar knew deep down in his heart that Bluestar really didn't care about Spottedleaf's prophecy. Rather, Bluestar had made him a warrior because she had realized how awesome he was. But now, Firestar's ego had grown to a dangerous size, and it threatened to swallow the entire camp. He would have to find another place to live, one that was big enough to hold his massive ego.

As Firestar lay in his den next to that old hag that he'd once thought was hot, he thought up many excuses for why he would have to leave camp. He could burn the whole place down, but he didn't have thumbs and he didn't know how to make fire, despite his awesomely epic name. He could always get ShadowClan to come and kill everyone, but if they did that, he might get his fur bloody, and that was no good. So, he settled on making up a bullshit prophecy. Yes, that would do just fine.

The next morning…

"Gather around, everyone!" Firestar addressed ThunderClan from atop his gigantic rock. "Last night, I received a dream from Spottedleaf, the last StarClan cat who actually gives a fuck about what I do." The cats began to whisper amongst themselves, wondering what great adventure their leader would go on while they had to stay behind.

"Last night, Spottedleaf told me that there were once five Clans in the forest ecosystem instead of four." The entire Clan *le gasped* and the murmuring grew even louder. "Shut up!" Firestar growled. "I am talking!" The Clan grew silent. "Ahem, yes, Spottedleaf told me that this fifth Clan, SkyClan, was driven out of the forest ecosystem when the Twolegs built their neighborhood. She also told me that I had to go on an awesome adventure of awesomeness in order to rebuild SkyClan near a trashy Twoleg city. So…have a good life. I'm abandoning you for another Clan. Graystripe, you're in charge and stuff. Just don't fuck anything up, 'kay? Oh, and Bramblepaw's a warrior now. Uh, you're gonna be called Brambleclaw and ThunderClan honors that…uh…you totally WON'T grow up to be evil like your dad (SPOILERS!). Blah blah blah StarClan rocks and all that. You're a warrior now. Congrats." With that, Firestar jumped down from his gigantic rock and made his way towards the forest.

Just as Firestar was leaving the camp, Sandstorm rushed to his side, panting.

"I want to go with you, Firestar," she said.

"Why? There's no telling what kind of danger I will have to go through in order to make myself look sexier in the eyes of the fans! You could get, you know, killed!" Firestar protested.

"Don't worry, Firestar. I'm a warrior. I can look after myself. What? Thought Firestar. Girls can't be warriors…they have cooties! But Firestar made no more objections.

"Alright, just don't get kidnapped or anything, okay?" (SPOILERS!)

"I promise I won't cause any trouble for you, Firestar," said Sandstorm. This way, she thought, I can make sure that he doesn't have any more dream sex with Spottedleaf! The two cats left the camp and, eventually, the forest ecosystem. They followed the river through what seemed to be endless moors and marshland.

"Ugh, damn am I thirsty," Firestar whined, stopping to take a drink of water that had seeped up from the ground.

"Uh, Firestar, I don't think you should be drinking that," said Sandstorm.

"Huh? Why not?"

"Well, for starters, what you're standing in is rotting plant flesh, agricultural runoff and raw sewage. I wouldn't even shit here, let alone drink the water."

"Stop being such a ninny, ho, er, I mean, Sandstrom."

"My name is Sandstorm," she growled.

"I think the Erins would disagree."

"Whatever, let's just keep going. Just don't blame me when you start having hallucinations." (SPOILERS!)

"Don't tell me what to do, ho, er, I mean…ho," Firestar snapped. They walked in awkward silence through the marshland until the sun began to go down.

"I think we should stop here and rest until morning," suggested Sandstorm. "Even though anyone on Yahoo! Answers could tell you that cats are nocturnal."

Sandstorm and Firestar curled up next to each other (for warmth, of course) and instantly fell asleep. However, as the moon reached its zenith, Firestar awoke with a start. He could hear voices in the night: many cats were coming this way. Instead of waking Sandstorm and getting the hell out of there, he decided to go investigate.

Firestar followed the river back the way he'd come from until he came to a large group of cats that were headed the opposite way. He looked closer and saw that they weren't cats. Rather, they seemed to be the spirits of cats who had long since died and rotted away.

"Cloudstar," said a young fluffy brown she-cat. "What are we going to do now?"

"I don't know, Birdflight," said Cloudstar. "We'll just have to keep going until we find another place to live, I guess."

Holy shit, thought Firestar. SkyClan was actually real? I was just making shit up! I really hope this doesn't mean I have to actually do stuff now. Firestar left the spirit cats to do whatever spirit cats did and went back to his ho. Thankfully, she was still sleeping. He didn't want to have to explain to her why he was awake in the middle of the night.

The next morning…

After about another hour of traveling, Firestar and Sandstorm finally came to a Twoleg Place. It smelled of urine and crushed dreams, but maybe Firestar could ask around and find out if SkyClan was actually real or if the spirit cats he'd seen the night before were just trippy hallucinations. He really hoped that they weren't real. If they were, that would mean that he'd have to ditch his original plan and actually work together with Sandstorm. Just the thought of actually spending time with his mate made him feel nauseous. Or maybe that was the swamp water. Either way, he would die before spending time with Sandstorm.

"Er, wait here," he said as they approached the Twoleg Place. "I'll, uh, scout ahead." He left behind Sandstorm and entered the Twoleg Place. The stench of urine was all around him and he spotted a crushed dream lying in the street almost immediately. It was bleeding out of its mouth and it twitched occasionally. It was probably a dead rat, but Firestar is stupid like that.

It wasn't long before Firestar's incredible beauty began to attract attention from the local yokels. Soon, a large group of cats had completely surrounded the ThunderClan leader. They eyed him suspiciously, finding it hard to believe that a creature so utterly incredible could actually exist.

"You new in town?" one of the loners growled, flicking his tail.

"I want to ask a favor of you," said Firestar, too cool to answer the loner's question.

"And what would that be?"

"I want you to kidnap my girlfriend. But you have to make it look legit, or she'll suspect that I was trying to get rid of her."

"Fine, but only because you're so incredibly awesome that we automatically trust you and worship you as our god."

"Sweet," Firestar purred as his ego level went up another twenty points. Not wanting any of his newly acquired ego to be wasted on such lowly creatures, he continued on his way. Soon, the loners would kidnap Sandstorm and hold her hostage. Then, if he felt like it later, he would go and rescue her. Firestar smiled to himself at the mere thought of how completely ingenious his plan was.

He passed through the Twoleg Place without much incident. However, he did see a couple more crushed dreams lying around, and he once even spotted one of the elusive dying hopes. This sure was a lucky day for everyone's favorite hero/sexual fantasy, Firestar. After he left the Twoleg Place, he came upon an abandoned gorge with a bunch of caves and stuff.

As Firestar approached the gorge, he noticed that there was a cat sitting on a large rock that overlooked the gorge. The rock reminded Firestar of his beloved humongous rock back at the ThunderClan camp. The old gray cat was incredibly hideous compared to Firestar, and he was staring up at the sky. Cautiously, Firestar approached the loner.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked suspiciously.

"My name is Sky," said the loner.

"Why are you looking at the sky?"

"I'm watching for UFO's. I mean, what if a UFO flies by and I miss it? Then I would never be able to say that I've seen a UFO before." Firestar stared at Sky blankly. This cat was obviously far less important that he was, and he didn't deserve to be in Firestar's Gorge. That's what he would name the gorge after he made it the home of him and his ego.

"Oh, and I'm a descendant of the SkyClan cats," said Sky nonchalantly.

"FUCK!" yowled Firestar, devastated that he actually had to do something now that he knew the SkyClan cats were real.

"I also know that you were sent here by StarClan to rebuild SkyClan. They once inhabited this place, but then they were attacked by a horde of rats. They all died, even the queens and kits. But you have the power to rebuild the once great SkyClan. Please, Firestar, you must help."

"*le sigh* I guess I can help you. After all, there would be major suckage in my life if there wasn't anybody around to admire my beauty and awesomeness. So, what exactly do you want me to do?"

"Kittypets. We'll need lots and lots of kittypets."

"Awesome! Recruiting kittypets to be my personal soldiers is my specialty!" Without hesitation Firestar ran up to a random Twoleg nest, jumped the fence that surrounded the backyard, and brought out two young cats that were barely older than kits. Yes, Firestar can carry two adolescent cats in his mouth AT ONCE. He dropped them down on the ground and glared at them.

"You're apprentices now," he declared. "Your name is Cherrypaw," he said, pointing to the young tortoiseshell she-cat. "And your name is Borrispaw for now. I'm still working on some random name to give you. I'll get back to you later. But for now, I'm gonna train you to kill other cats without mercy!"

"Yay!" mewed Cherrypaw and Borrispaw, eager to learn the mysterious ways of the warrior. For the next few weeks, Firestar trained the two apprentices ruthlessly. When Sky (who he had started calling Skywatcher) died suddenly (and off-screen), Firestar took to watching the two young cats go at each other's throats from the safety of his new gigantic rock, which he had decided to call Firestar's Rock.

Firestar had felt literally nothing when Skywatcher died, mostly because he had grown bored of waiting for the old fart to buy the farm and had gone to sleep, but partly because he hated Skywatcher. Cherrypaw and Borrispaw stayed up all night with Skywatcher while the elderly cat told them about how aliens were coming to take over the world. He told them beautiful stories about a faraway country known as America, which was made entirely of deserts, forests inhabited only by bears and rednecks, and beaches crawling with douchey teenage models. He said that in this faraway country, there was a desert that had been visited by aliens, but the Twolegs had stolen the UFO and its passengers and hidden them away.

He said that billions of years ago, and eeeeevillllll galactic overlord known as Xenu had killed millions of innocent beings known as Thetans in a nuclear war that took place on Earth. Then, he said that the souls of the Thetans were brainwashed by watching 3D movies about sex and violence before inhabiting the bodies of Twolegs.

And the two apprentices believed every word of it.

In the wee hours of the morning, Skywatcher died. Cherrypaw and Borrispaw baaaaawed over the death of their beloved prophet, but Firestar couldn't care less. He had a huge-ass rock to conquer and name after himself.

After Firestar finished training Cherrypaw and Borrispaw, he promptly forgot all about them and went to go kidnap some more kittypets. It wasn't long before Firestar had built his own personal army of kittypets. Sure, he told them that he was trying to rebuild SkyClan, but he couldn't care less about a bunch of dead cats. He just wanted mindless slaves that he could use to defend himself in case anybody tried to steal his gorge.

One day, Firestar was sunning himself on his huge-ass rock when the SkyClan warriors began to scream in terror. Kind of annoyed, Firestar looked down to see that a horde of things that looked a lot like the crushed dreams he had seen lying in the streets of the Twoleg Place, but these were alive.

"They're eating our flesh!" Yowled Leafdapple, one of the SkyClan warriors.

"Oh, Firestar, Great God of Awesomness, you have to help us! The evil Lord Xenu has come to take his revenge on us!" Cherrytail cried in horror.

"FUUUUUUUCK!" Firestar yowled. It had been bad enough when he'd actually found out that SkyClan was real, and that he had to rebuild it, but now he actually had to defend it? Fuck that, Firestar thought. They don't need me to help them. I did teach them to fight, after all.

Firestar lay back down on his huge-ass rock while the rats swarmed through the caves and the SkyClan cats cried out in pain. It was many hours before they managed to fend off the rats, and they only did so with the help of Echosong's Deus ex Machina Mary Sue powers. Yeah, it turns out that she can blow shit up with her mind now. Whatever.

Many days later…

"Firestar, you piece of shit!" Firestar looked up, alarmed. He knew that none of his loyal slaves would ever speak so disrespectfully to him. So it could only be one cat….

Firestar felt a rush of horror as Sandstorm entered the gorge. Her sandy orange fur was soaked with the blood of her enemies and her eyes were furious. She was out for blood, and nothing in the world could stop her. Terrified, the SkyClan cats let her approach their god without even attempting to restrain her.

"You sent those loners to kidnap me, didn't you?" she asked, her voice eerily calm.

"Would you believe me if I said yes?" Firestar asked hopefully. Without another word, Sandstorm lunged at her mate. Her teeth closed around his throat and she laughed maniacally as he grew limp and his blood filled her mouth and nose. She dropped Firestar's lifeless body onto the ground, enjoying the dull thud and watching in glee as his blood spilled out onto the dusty ground. She knew it wouldn't be long before he came back to life, but savored every moment that he was dead. She danced around his corpse in pure joy and pissed all over his body.

When he finally came to, he stood up shakily, backing slowly away from Sandstorm. His ego ached and it seemed pitifully small compared to how unbelievably huge it had grown over the past moons. His fur smelled like piss and he ached all over. And what's worse was that Sandstorm was there. His wonderfully brilliant plan had gone downhill depressingly quickly.

"By the way," Sandstorm purred. "I'm pregnant and you're the father." Firestar felt his ego crumble away until there was next to nothing left of it.

"Wha…what?" he said, unable to believe what she had just told him.

"We're pregnant!" she said gleefully.

"No, you're the only one who's pregnant, Sandstorm. Well, you are a girl, so I guess you aren't exactly, you know, smart and stuff like I do!"

"You're such a dumbass, Firestar. Now let's just go back to ThunderClan already." Having no reason to stay, Firestar and Sandstorm left Firestar's Gorge and returned to the ThunderClan camp, where Firestar was promptly treated as a hero, which served to expand his ego a little more. During his homecoming party, Sandstorm pooped two little kits out of her love oven. She named the slightly retarded one Squirrelkit and the other one Leafkit after the leader of SkyClan, who she had never met.

In the end, Firestar learned absolutely nothing from his journey. His only goal was to have an ego that exceeded even that of Tigerstar, and he was determined to achieve that goal, no matter what.