(A/N): (siiiigh-of-joy) Happy, happy day! I get to write FAKE fics! …Fan FAKEs? …Fan-FAKE-fics? …Ah well! n.n Here goes nothin'!
Our lovely little insight into why a lot of good authors never finish their stories, and even go so far as to disappear off of the face of the internet. Also, blowing all those lame little theories why out of the water. It's fun to blow things. )3 (brandishes dynamite)
Dee: I know. (rawr)
Ryo: (super-duper-deluxe-blush-9000®)
"Rawr" indeed! n.n So let's get to it!
Disclaimer: I totally do not own FAKE. Okies?
Warning: This fic contains implications of yaoi. Implications, mind you, not REAL yaoi, because I rather suck at writing the really hard stuff. But stop right here if you're offended by lighthearted fun and comedic innuendo. Okies?
Apology: Blatant puns such as "I suck at writing the really hard stuff" not intended. But really, unavoidable, because everything in FAKE is pretty much innuendo, DEE…(points menacingly) Okies?
Plea For Mercy: Please don't let my boyfriend find out. n.n Okies?
O-KIES! On with teh fic!
Sara(h)s Inc. lay lounging about the Room of Doom (aka the Neighborhood War Zone, aka No-Man's Land, aka Sara-chan's Room) on a sunny Friday afternoon. Rays of sunshine shone through the blue blinds of the window, and it was warm and wonderful and cute little animals scattered about looking cute and chibi and everything was right with the world, even though it was December in Louisville (never a pretty sight). But it was all okay, and made perfect sense, because this was the first afternoon of winter break, and—
"Liiiiiife is WOOOnder-fuuul…"
--yes, that.
"Narri, please cut that out!"
"But it IS!" The teenaged authoress beamed at her lovely sister-chan, spinning around in the computer's swivel chair (having just recently been commandeered). "THINK, Sara! Two…more…WEEKS! KYAAAAAHH!" Narri exploded in her (illegally copied) Diana Spacey Squeal. Sara rolled her eyes, and flipped to a new page in her scrapbook. "Narri, please, not this again! Before you know it, we'll be disco-ing again! I'm tired!"
"A-tashi sakur-an-booo…"
"STOP IT!"
"Heehee." Narri swiveled back around to the computer. "Waah, Justin's not on." Sara-chan sweatdropped. "I'm sorry…"
"Awww, thankies, hon'. It's okies. This'll be a good chance to start on a new fic I've been brainstorming!"
"On my computer?"
"I've got a floppy."
"Okay." Glue, glitter, paper, tape. Chloe-chan, le kitty adorable, rubbed herself up against the computer desk and Narri's ankles to be petted. She was so cute that everyone ignored her completely. The keys clattered as Narri began to fill an empty page on Microsoft Word. Sara-chan blinked at the computer. "So what's it about?"
Narri swiveled back around in glee, obviously having been waiting to be asked that question, because it is a well-known fact that she cannot keep (non-serious) secrets or she will explode. She clapped. "Glad you asked, Sara-chan! See, it's a FAKE fan-fic—"
"FAKE fic?"
" Fan-FAKE-fic…yikes, say that five times fast…centered on Bikky and Carol."
"Ohh, great…"
"HEY, Bikky and Carol are sweeties! Cute as a button!" Narri gushed, defending her couple like a good shipper. Sara-chan got ready to blow the ship to smithereens (more dynamite, we hope). "Narri, FAKE is a yaoi series and you're writing about a straight couple?"
"…Yeah!"
"But…they're SO annoying!"
"HEEEEeeeyy! No-they-are-NOT. Just because the only couple YOU like is Dee and Ryo…"
"Well, YEAH…so why don't you write about them?"
Narri flew into a panic, glancing frantically at the computer screen. "SSSHHHH! Justin might be on!" Sara blinked. "He's not on…and he can't hear you through the computer, Narri…"
"There are spies everywhere! SHHH!"
"O-kay, I'm just gonna…close up this rubber cement right here, Narri…"
"…WELL, anyways! It's about Bikky and Carol, and Carol's all bummed out because her dad just finally kicked the bucket and her aunt doesn't understand her feelings that well, and her birthday's coming up, her sixteenth birthday, and her aunt's gonna be out of town, right? And Bikky wants to do something nice, so he goes and talks to Ryo about it, right? And Ryo goes and talks to Carol, but she gets all mad because she thinks everybody's gossiping about her and runs off, and a few days later it's like, her birthday, and she's walking home with Lass—yanno, that one chick from the short stories?"
"Ya-huh."
"Okay, WELL: she's walking home with Lass, and suddenly Dee pulls up outside of the high school in a police car and pretty much just throws her over his shoulder, tosses her in the police cruiser and drives off…"
"(giggle)…Oh, gee…"
"(snicker) I know, police brutality! (snicker) And anyways, he drives her off back to Ryo's place, and marches her up to the apartment, and Ryo and Bikky are already there with birthday crap all spread out and everything, because they're throwing her a birthday party, even though she's been all hostile and stuff, and Bikky apologizes for talking about her…even though in my opinion he didn't do anything wrong…and then Carol gets all sniffly and apologizes to everyone else, and Dee and Ryo have fanservice in the kitchen, and Carol realizes that she's had a big, crazy, somewhat homosexual at times, and very seldom peaceful (or platonic, for that matter) family the whole time. THE-END!"
"…Shnaaawww, how sappy!"
"I know!" Narri giggled, spinning around in the chair. Sara realized something. "Narri, you can't publish this story now. You just told everyone the whole plot."
"OH, yes I can! Buhahahaaa! Think you can stop me? Just go ahead and try!"
As Narri spun around and around, breaking into peals of "muhahahaha"s and "buhahahaha"s, Sara-chan sweatdropped massively. Definitely too many rubber cement fumes floating around… "Well, good luck with that…"
"Thankies muchly! I will now to get started on it!" Narri proclaimed in very bad English, swiveling back to the computer screen and almost running over Chloe-kitty. She did not anticipate the shoe that connected quite violently with her head. "KYAAHHH!"
The door to the bedroom slammed open violently. Narri (clicking "save" first, like a good authoress) sprang onto the bed, accompanying Sara-chan in synchronized clinging and screaming. (That was totally not rehearsed.) 4 kitties and a Small Dog ran for cover. An assorted company of people crashed into the room: for the most part, the main characters of FAKE itself. Sara stared in shock, stuttering like a skipping CD player. "You're-you're-you're-you're—"
Narri fainted, for dramatic effect. Not that she was particularly surprised at having a cast of anime characters storm into a room at random: she had, when just an itty-bitty amateur authoress, kept the entire cast of Inu-Yasha imprisoned in her basement for the better part of two years, back when she was very pathetic and very into public-television anime, like many, many others who grow out of those serieses but are forever embaressed to admit that they ever liked them, because they are Tres Sensitive. But we digress (in a BIG way).
You may be wondering what the FAKE peopleses were doing while we went into that extremely irrelevant run-on sentence. They were vengefully destroying the computer.
Sara squeaked at the sight of bullet holes in her poor computer (and the sound, too, because guns are not well-renowned for being quiet) and fainted. Narri woke up, because hey, it wasn't HER computer they were massacring; she had saved her floppy disk before bolting to safety. And SOMEbody had to be awake to get autographs. But just for caution's sake… "Hey, uhm…are you manga-Dee, or anime-Dee?"
Dee Laytner turned, frowning and raising a black eyebrow. "Manga. We're manga."
"Oh, thank God!" Narri breathed a sigh of relief, even controversially capitalizing God, because dammit, that's just the kind of rebel Christian chick she is. "Now, why…I mean, what…" she gestured wordlessly at the mangled computer. "Explanations!"
"Oh, I'll give you explanations, kid," Dee growled as Ryo dragged Bikky back from kicking vengefully at the shattered monitor. "You're under arrest!"
"No I'm not. I'm busy, y'see. I just started on a new Fan-FAKE-fic, all about ya'll! Isn't that awesome?"
"That's WHY you're in trouble," Ryo frowned, joining his partner. "Those stories are just awful…sick, even! We are not porn stars, we're people! You can't just go around writing those types of stories about others you don't even know!"
"I can if I have a disclaimer," Narri amended. Ryo sweatdropped as the hyper authoress defended her right to write. "And since ya'll were created by somebody who only conjured you up to have gratuitous public fanservice and eventually, yes, SEX, for the entertainment of the populace, you kinda ARE like porn stars! Cool, huh?"
"Listen, you little punk," Dee broke in, grabbing Narri up by the collar (away from Sara-chan, who was beginning to stir), "let me explain you a little something: Ryo doesn't LIKE to do it in public—"
"DEE!" Blush-ness.
"So when you 'authoresses' with delusions of grandeur write us into your little 'lemons', it REALLY turns him off! And that means getting any is like breaking into Fort-freaking-Knox!"
"DEE LAYTNER!" Blushx10.
"Hey, my dad works at Fort Knox!"
"Do I care? You're keeping ME from getting laid, kid, and THAT is a criminal offense in ANY universe!" By this time, Ryo was reconsidering his position on gun control. Narri beamed. "Hey, y'know what's a REAL criminal offense? Police brutality! And assault of a minor! Plus, you're about to rip my shirt off, holding me up like this…let's add sexual assault, shall we? Sara-chan, call the non-fictional cops!"
Dee dropped her. "Smart-assed kid!"
"Oh, no, just the reason lawyers shouldn't reproduce," Narri commented, dusting herself off. Sara-chan dragged herself down to the broken remains of her computer, sniffling and trying to piece the keyboard back together, glaring at Bikky, who glared right back. Carol plopped down at the desk, helping herself to a coat of Sara-chan's blue nail polish and ironically humming Sakuranbo.
"DEE," Ryo growled, stepping forwards. "Our POINT is that it's INDECENT for people to write those kinds of STORIES. REMEMBER?"
"Hate to burst your bubbles, guys, but I don't write that stuff. I just read it. The fic I was WRITING was Bikky/Carol-centric," Narri chimed, getting to her feet. Bikky blushed, glaring, as she continued. "That was HARDLY fair."
"LOOK, kid, we've got EVIDENCE," Dee growled, pulling a folded square of paper out of the pocket of his pants. Ryo blushed, recognizing it, and turned away. Narri (and incidentally, Carol) leaned in to see what it was as Dee unfolded it. A page-sized picture, apparently having been scanned off of the internet, showed Dee leading Ryo off of the picture by handcuffs with a wolfish grin, as Ryo looked very confused and uke-ish. Narri burst into pleased giggles, clapping. "Awww, ya'll like my picture? Thankyoo!" She hugged Dee, and Ryo, who was beginning to wish he had just stayed in the car. Carol smiled approvingly and returned to her nail polish, as Bikky scowled in the background. Sara-chan had, amazingly, almost reconstructed her keyboard, and was tenderly picking up pieces of glass from her monitor. Dee growled frustratedly. "You're missing the point! Your ARE registered on that deviantART site as 'Lady-Magic-Knight', right?"
Sarah frowned. "No. That's my friend Christina. Lives across the street. She should be home now too, she rides our bus."
Dee stared at her and Sara-chan suspiciously for a moment, and then dragged Ryo out the door. Bikky ran after them, and Sara-chan grabbed the opportunity to start attempting to re-wire her computer itself (courtesy of "How To Fix Your Annihilated Computer For Dummies: A Reference For The Rest Of Us"). Narri stared at Carol. "Well? What about you?"
Carol blew on her nails. "They're not dry yet."
"Ah."
Five Minutes Later…
Narri grinned as the Three Stooges stomped back into the room, dodging a (rather well-aimed) punch from the Dee Department. "Wow, I really can't believe ya'll fell for that!"
"DIE!"
"You SURE you're not anime-Dee?"
The computer monitor flickered to life. Sara-chan cheered in joy, and began logging on to AOL. Chloe-chan attempted to rub up against Bikky's ankles for attention: still not her lucky day tho', because still nobody noticed her. It must be tough to be a cat.
Narri had been forced to barricade herself inside the closet. Not that there's much room in there, but still. "Awww, can't ya'll take a joke? I'm just having a little fun!"
"Goddamnit, you're worse than the brat!"
"HEY! Shut up, pervert!"
Sara-chan successfully logged on, to several IM pop-ups. "Jadeysports has logged on." "Priestclef has logged on." "Ashland Tragedy has logged on." "You have won our hourly prize: a year's supply of canned salmon! Click here to accept!" Chloe-chan's eyes bugged out of her head, and she began scratching frantically at the last pop-up. Unfortunately, nobody understood her because she is a cat. Dammit!
Narri climbed out of the closet (hahaha! Narri-chan made a pun! .). "Okay, okay, YES, I am Lady-Magic-Knight. And I drew that picture. Tho' HONESTLY, ya'll, it's no big deal! And it's not like deviantart doesn't allow it. I haven't gotten any complaints."
"WE'RE complaining," Ryo forced through gritted teeth, nearly at his wits' end. "We're making these god-forsaken rounds in your world to prevent any internet authoresses from humiliating us any further, and YOU are next on our list. So if you would PLEASE cooperate—"
Narri blinked. "Whoawhoawhoa, WAIT. You're going around here whacking yaoi authoresses? DUDE!"
" 'Whacking' is such an ugly word…"
Sara-chan had almost finished setting the monitor right-side up.
Ashland Tragedy: hey
Sarasukai: Hi… ;-;
Ashland Tragedy: whats wrong?
Sarasukai: The cast of the FAKE manga just crashed into my room, destroyed the computer, and are currently in a deathmatch with Narri!
Ashland Tragedy: lol, you all are crazy.
Sarasukai: IM SERIOUS!
"That is totally not cool, man!" Narri exclaimed. "Is that why nobody's updating? They all posted author's notes that said they were busy with school!"
Jadeysports: Mini-Sara!
Priestclef: Hello :3
Sarasukai: HELP US! The FAKE cast is here and they're trying to kill us…kidnap us…or something!
Priestclef: ;...;
Sarasukai: I know! HELP!
Jadeysports: ;o; You all have all the fun…
Sarasukai: …(bangs head on key board)
"You can thank ME for those notes," Bikky smirked, inwardly ecstatic at getting a real line in this fic. He has no idea how honored he is. Narri raised an eyebrow. "What's up with YOU? All huffy about Dee getting into Ryo's pants all over the internet?"
Twitch-twitch.
"Well, yeah! I mean, c'mon! I'm with Ryo, it's gross!" Bikky stated, crossing his arms. Narri beamed happily at him. "Oh, okies. Y'know, at first I just thought you were mad about that fic I found with you and Lai 'experimenting', but y'know, whatever…"
"WHAT!"
Smirk. "NOW who's the pervert, brat?"
"THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"
"Dee, STOP. Bikky, ye, it's okay, that DIDN'T happen. It was just a story," Ryo attempted to comfort the kid. Narri whistled innocently, before remembering her point. "Y'know, this makes sense. THIS is why Kracken-san hasn't updated since 2003!"
Dee cringed and turned pale at the mention of the authoress's name. Ryo blushed. Yes, AGAIN. His face will be permanently tomato-colored by the time he's 40, the poor guy. "Yeah, we've DEALT with her," Dee defended. "Bad grammar, plotholes, blatant use of Japanese, and everybody was frickin' out of character! She was at the TOP of the 'Most Wanted' List."
"Well, it's good to see ya'll're organized," Narri rolled her eyes, "but didja HAVE to kill off Kracken-san? Sure, Ryo's a total sissy-girl and YOU can't do anything right, but at least the shmex was good! And in abundance, too!"
Ryo choked, and left the room. "Dee, I can't do this! Our break is almost over anyways! YOU finish it!" Narri smiled, waving goodbye happily. "Hunting down authoresses on ya'll's lunch breaks. Sounds lucrative." Dee raised an eyebrow. "You really think you've gotten out of this, don't you!"
"Ya-huh! See, YOU'RE the easy one."
Dee twitched. "Goddamnit, would you shut up? And give me that floppy disk! C'mon, hand it over!"
Narri blinked. "Wow, you ARE a good detective! Look, Dee-sama, I'll cut you a deal. I want ya'll off our backs. You want to get laid…apparently." Dee blushed. Narri resisted the urge to snap a picture, as Dee Laytner showing embarrassment usually only occurs once in a mortal lifetime. Sara-chan glared up at Carol. "Hey, get out of my nail polish!"
Narri reached over the bed to rummage through her backpack, pulling out a deceptively cute and innocent Hello Kitty cheerleading folder. It was stuffed to the brim with papers and ripped in several places. Sara-chan gasped. "Narri! Not…"
"Yes, Sara-chan…" Narri stated soberly, staring fixedly at the pink monstrosity. "It's…the Yaoi Folder."
DUM-DUM-DUMMM…
Dee got an odd look in his eyes that we refuse to analyze further so as not to fall into the fangirl weakness of over-describing characters. Bikky rolled his eyes. "I am so out of here. Gotta go kick Lai's ass. C'mon, Cal."
"Coming!" Carol chirped, following Bikky out of the room and waving her hands about like a spazzy bird to dry the polish. Sara-chan neurotically hid it in an empty shoe. Narri took a moment from her Mature!Angsting to notice that Carol was a shame unto feminists everywhere, but quickly got back on topic. It wasn't polite to leave an irate detective just standing there. And not very healthy, either.
Dee wasn't quite so irate as interested anymore, tho'. " 'Yaoi' folder? I thought you said you didn't write the crap."
"Dee Laytner, look me in the eyes and tell me you truly hate stories about you and Ryo getting naked and horizontal and sweaty, or that it's crap, and I'll drop every argument," Narri protested, waving the packed folder around in front of his face. Dee didn't answer, seemingly hypnotized by the total fullness of the folder. "I didn't write these, I gathered them from every corner of the internet. They're all juicy. All well-written. All NC-17. And they're all yours if you don't 'do away' with us and say ya did."
Sara-chan turned pale. "But Narri…the YAOI FOLDER…"
Narri sighed dramatically. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, Sara-chan. And we have discovered nowhere NEAR the limit of yaoi out there! Besides, we can get a new folder. We can rebuild it. We have the technology…we can make it stronger…faster…"
"—OKAY, okay! Give me the Goddamn thing!" Dee snatched it out of the fangirl's grip. "And I'd better not hear another WORD out of you yaoi-wise on the internet, or Ryo'll have my ass!"
"That's what we're hoping for," Narri beamed. "Lovely doing business with you!"
And so, balance was restored to the Force. Or at least the FAKE universe. Ryo, totally embarrassed by being out-logic-ed by an authoress (of all things!) decided to save his pride and not go on anymore Yaoi Hunts for awhile. Unfortunately, he was forced to take the initiative in the bedroom a lot, because for the next week or so, Dee was oddly satisfied, and a ripped pink folder was seen with him almost everywhere he went, And even tho' Ryo is a friggin' detective, he managed NOT to figure it out. But nothing lasts forever, and being a fast reader (among other things…) Dee had soon exhausted all the possibilities of the Yaoi Folder and the two were humping like rabbits again in no time.
Also unfortunately, or fortunately, from our point of view, the fangirls continued to write about it.
But DEFINITELY unfortunately, they also continued to not update after awhile (from natural causes), much to Narri's chagrin.
Lai spent several days in the hospital with a concussion, a hairline fracture in his left arm and several nasty bruises, and he couldn't figure out what the hell for. Bikky refused to explain himself, and Ryo had to call in every in-department connection and pull every string he could to keep the kid out of Juvie. But that didn't stop him from grounding Bikky "until further notice".
And Sara-chan got a new computer with a built-in DVD player and a lot of RAM.
And everyone lived happily ever after!
(A/N): Tadaaa! n.n Bravo, me! (applauds self) Yes, I made the characters look ri-freakin'-diculous and threw self-inserts in like crazy. Do ya'll have ANY idea how insanely boring it is in Study Hall? (sobs)
Wait. Yes, you DO, actually. You're all roughly my age. Silly me.
Except for you 40-year-old creepy men who live with their mothers. Yes, YOU KNOW who you are...(spazzes)
Ew.
This fic is dedicated to that guy who scared the hell out of me by jacking off to me in his car as he tried to pick me up.With any luck,God will Magically! transform him into a woman. Just in case, watch the newspapers.
The-End! n.n (confetti)