But Once

Cowards die many times before their deaths, but the valiant never taste of death but once. My father raised me on those words, fed them to me and bellowed them in my ear when I first picked up a sword.

He is long gone now, and I suspect I may soon follow him, whether or not these rumors of a conspiracy are true. I am not as young nor as strong as I used to be.

Perhaps whoever these plotters are, these young men in the Senate, are right, and I should be disposed of. King of all, and without an heir… I worry at times.

But then I remember my father's words, and stand fast. I have loyal friends- Antony, Brutus, Decius- more than this conspiracy would believe, I think. They surround me now, on the way to the Senate; Calpurnia shall see tonight that her fears are womanish, when I return.

Fortunate for her; she can afford to show such qualms, as a gentle queen. As king, I must conceal any troubles from my people, lest they begin to think I am weak. Emotion is for lesser men; I must rise above such trifles.

We approach the Capitol, now. Trumpets sound, and people shout. For me. For my conquests, for my ruthlessness….

They shall cheer for some other man someday for the same reasons. They shall decorate his effigies in place of mine, and all my deeds shall fade into the murky past when overshadowed by his. And then he shall be replaced, and his usurper shall be overthrown, and so on and so forth until the end of time, when my empire and I shall but crumbled, ancient ruins in kingdoms beyond our fathoming

I look over at Brutus, on my right. When he meets my gaze, he nods. I smile.

"Come, now, Brutus. Always so solemn." I pat his shoulder. "We shall have you come to eat on the morrow. You and your wife both, for Calpurnia has always adored her." His jaw flexes when he bows to me in reply.

"You always have honored me, Caesar. If we be well, I see no reason to decline."

"Good. I shall have nothing but the finest." Still, the prospect does not seem to cheer him. He is always grim, a noble man who could use some of Marc's shrewdness and cheer. I glance around for Marc Antony.

He has drawn near, placing himself between myself and Caius Cassius, who wishes me harm if anyone does. I award Marc with a nod. He is a perceptive youth, one who enjoys playing mind games with the rest of the world. No one knows of his keenness but I, so well crafted is his façade as a player of games.

The guards keep the crowds back as they applaud; girls laugh and toss their hair as men bow low to me. My face solemn, I nod left, then right, trying to fill my body with majesty and power.

All I can remember is the day I fell in front of them all. I have had fits several times, but they had always been hushed up, by Marc and Calpurnia…. I saw the shock on their faces when I revived-

What a time to faint! Before my people, when I might have been declared emperor!

The old soothsayer waves his decrept hand at me from the forefront of the Romans; I signal the guards to let him through. He stumbles to greet me, his shaky smile revealing his rotted teeth.

Is this what I will see as I age? This is what I look forward to? A new, younger man taking my glory, and my own life slowly retreating from me until I make for the river Stynx?

"The ides of March are come," I tell him loudly, letting all nearby hear my words. I am king, and I am strong. Let all hear me; I am not afraid of death. His smile sends a chill up my spine, and I fear my face crumples slightly to hear his words.

"Ay, Caesar," he rasps, an old man smile upon his face, as though he tells a child that he will fall, no matter how many times he tries to fly. "But not gone." He totters backwards then to let our party go forwards, his ghoulish body curled into a bow. His smirk does not fade as one, trembling hand gestures to the Senate building beyond.

I falter for a moment; my foot trods on my robe. In an instant, Marc is at my side, holding my elbow in such a way as to hold me up and appear like he is only trying for my attention.

"Julius?" he asks in a soft breath, so soft no one will ever think he had spoke. Gratitude sweeps me away as I look into his chiseled, intense features. I chuckle, then pat his hand.

"I'm not dead yet," I murmur back wryly. "And I expect to survive the day as well." I see a shadow of a smile on his face, then step out to lead us onwards again.

The guards have a harder time holding the citizens back this close to the Capitol; most of them are petitioners, all of whom have small slips of paper in their hands that they wave frantically at us.

"Caesar!"

"O Great and Mighty!"

"Your Majesty!"

"All hail!"

How many lips have sang those praises? How many great men have been called such titles? In the past, numbers as high as the stars. At this moment, as many as the sands used in hourglasses of a thousand days and nights. And in the future… who knows how many countless times these flatteries shall be employed, or how many numberless prodigies and geniuses will be worthy of them?

And I am but one of these, one small speck on the sandy beaches of the world. One bright spark in all the mines in this earth. How could I stand out among them?

No man is immortal, though sometimes I fervently wish it. No man can live forever. There is no cure that can heal this one constitent flaw in man's design, no elixer that shall ward off the evercoming, unceasing tide of death.

Man can only live as long as stories are told of him, passed on and on until the legends are but the whispers of a soothsayer, of a story-weaver….

"Hail, Caesar!" I blink; is that wetness, in my eye? I look towards the man who broke my reverie. As he meets my gaze, he dashes forwards, evading the guards. "Read this schedule!" He presses a paper into my hands, eyes alight. I slow, but then Decius touches my arm. He has slipped in between Marc and me; I see my dear friend frown, but shake my head. I am in no trouble from Decius, although Marc seems to believe none can be trusted but himself. For his loyalty, I am forever in debt, but he should not fret.

"Trebonius doth desire you to o'er-read at your best leisure, this his humble suit." He holds another piece of parchment. Trebonius. Another good man. One I have known for sometime; he did wish to speak to me….

"O Caesar, read mine first!" The other man reaches out to me, as though to touch me, then pulls back at warning glares. Earnestly, he looks up into my face, his eyes burning with some unknown passion. "For mine's a suit that touches Caesar nearer. Read it, great Caesar!" My eyes narrow; do I know this man? Still, my duty is clear.

"What touches us ourself shall be last served," I tell him gently. He shakes his head, biting his lip. Hands clasped, he raised them to me, as though in prayer.

"Delay not, Caesar; read it instantly!" I look to Decius, then Brutus, whose lips are pressed so tightly together they turn ashen.

"What, is the fellow mad?" I demand of them. Another senator, Publius, steps forward to wave the petitoner away.

"Sirrah, give place!" Cassius comes closer now; I see Marc touch his blade. Antsy boy; this old wolf can do nothing in the streets. Still, his presence cows the man, who backs away, his eyes widening. Cassius bears down on him with a frown.

"What, urge you your petitions in the street? Come to the Capitol!" He turns to me and bows. He thinks I cannot deduce sarcasm; he is as bitter as any old maid on the street. "Shall we proceed, Caesar?" I can see Marc struggling to keep his face composed. I smile at Cassius coldly.

"Of course," I answer, stepping out away and past the petitioner. His arm snakes out; his hand presses something into mine as my guards shout.

"Read, O Mighty!" he cries out before a guard grabs him and he is lost once more in the crowd. Insane, I wonder….

But there is another answer. Another one which I place more faith in, for my old senses are aroused; something is not quite right. We ascend the steps to the Senate, and I grab Marc by the arm to whisper in his ear. The others stride in, heads high. Marc must announce me before I enter.

"Let me rest outside for a moment, and I will come," I promise. "There is something afoot, Marc Antony, and I will know what it is." I hold up the nameless petitioner's suit. He bows.

"It will be done, Caesar." I watch him walk over to the door before I open the paper.

Caesar, beware of Brutus; take heed of Cassius; come not bear Casca; have an eyes to Cinna; trust not Trebonius; mark well Metellus Cimber; Decius Brutus loves thee not; thou hast wronged Caius Ligarius. There is but one mind in all these men, and it is bent against Caesar. If thous beest not immortal, look about you: security gives way to conspiracy….

Ligarius… Decius… Cimber… Trebonius… Cinna… Casca… Cassius…

And Brutus?

Brutus…. Has he fallen astray? Cassius, no doubt, has twisted his mind against me, his old friend….

And these are the conspirators? The very ones who escorted me to the Capitol today? Trebonius wanting to stay close? Wanting to appeal to me? Decius, who insisted on my coming?

My spine prickles; a grim smile crosses my lips.

There will be an assassination this day in the Senate.

"Caesar?" Clearing my throat, I look up into Marc's clear eyes. My mind turns back to Brutus….

He might lure me in, he may have given Cassius information…. But he is no traitor, at heart. He could not kill me himself.

But the others shall have no qualms, of that I am certain. They will want my blood. To think of it! The most esteemed senators and highest ranking men in the realm! Trusted advisors and friends, all plotting for the demise of an-almost emperor!

The one who conquered the continent. His weakness his trust. His downfall brought about by those closest to him….

The gods have blessed me then. A laugh bubbles to my lips; friends they are, indeed, to contribute so to my legacy….

"Marc Antony," I say warmly, crumpling the suit in my hands. "You, my dearest confidant. My closest friend- Gods bless you." I can see the alarm in his eyes; I clap his on the shoulder. "I do not believe we have anything to worry about today… go speak with Trebonius, will you? He had a suit for me, which I trust you to handle."

I trust him to handle everything for me. I suppress a chuckle as he enters and begins to speak to Trebonius, who leads him away. I nod.

He will live, then. Live to die another day. I hope he chooses well.

I enter the Capitol, and look down upon my subjects, the traitors and loyal alike. Those successors who will grace this city long after my body turns to dust, the generals and emperors who will follow me…. There will be no erasing my story. They cannot touch me now. I am a legend for the ages…. I clear my throat; my voice echoes through the hall as I speak. Eternity begins here for me.

"What is now amiss that Caesar and his Senate must redress?"

I do not fear the pain, for I have stained battlefields red and overcome all those who came before me, and now death is yet another opponent, one I have cornered, for I have done the impossible, once again.

Death is but a jester dancing out on the streets, one who will claim me, who will brag and prance about smugly as he takes kings and lepers alike. But he shall never have me completely, for such a betrayal shall never be completely forgotten by the world. I laugh at the irony of it; this conspiracy will aid me in evading the greatest mystery, the greatest doom of this world, in hastening me to it.

Dying here, I will live forever. I smile as they approach, and act out my part as I should. I am fearless, for my mark upon this world shall never be completely erased.

"I am as constant as the Northern Star, of whose true fixed and resting quality there is no fellow in the firmament." It is true; how many, even among the greatest, shall even be able to brag of this? Vanquishing death in his demise? "The skies are painted with unnumb'red sparks; they are all fire and every one doth shine. But there's but one in all doth hold his place. So in the world: 'tis furnished well with men, and men are flesh and blood, and apprehensive. Yet in the number I do know but one that unassailable holds on his rank, unshaked of motion; and that I am he."

I am immortal now.

AN: What do you think? Review, please!

My teacher mentioned to us that recent historians have suggested that Caesar knew about the plot and let it happen- since then, this has been churning around in my mind!