(NOTE): Who knows how many times this has been done? I know it's really obvious what's going on, but it's my first time doing something like this. Besides, I just did it for fun and I figured that people have had their minds in the gutter for years. It's really nothing new.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock Holmes. If I did, you really think I'd need to come to this site to write this stuff?

BTW:

Narration

Mary's thoughts

Through the door

Emphasis through the door

It wasn't too hard to figure out where her darling wayward husband had wandered off to when he didn't come home on time. Try as he might, John would never be able to stay away from his dear friend for very long and it had been nearly four days since he had last been to see him.

So Mary supposed that she could forgive him.

In fact, now that she and John were married she decided that she should at least make an effort to get along with her beloved's best friend. After all, John had always been so courteous to her own female compatriots when they came to tea no matter how much their silly natures taxed on his nerves. But John was probably still worried about how she and Holmes would get along, so it was quite understandable that he had never invited Holmes to dinner or asked for her company in his visits to Baker Street.

Therefore, she had made up her mind to surprise him tonight. She would take a hansom to her husband's old flat and arrive with a display of the utmost generosity toward the insufferable Mr. Holmes. She only hoped that they were at home, rather than attending an opera or terrible boxing match.

"The dear doctor is indeed here, Mrs. Watson." Mrs. Hudson said as she ushered the lady in and closed the door "No doubt you've come to take him back home? Can't say that I blame you, my dear. I thought as much as you did that his presence here would diminish after you and he were...."

"Actually I've come to see if Mr. Holmes would be willing to accompany us to dinner." Mary politely interrupted "Or if not, at least allow me to sit with him and John."

Mrs. Hudson's looks of shock and doubt were not lost on her "Indeed? Well, I don't know if Mr. Holmes would be privy to either idea, but I'll go up and ask..."

"Oh no, please, I'll go up." Mary said, walking to the staircase "I know the way."

"Oh I couldn't..."

"Really, I insist." she smiled "It would be no trouble at all."

"Well..." Mrs. Hudson didn't look completely comfortable, but she relented "Alright, my dear. Just be careful, there's no telling what those two are up to."

Mary chuckled as she nodded and made her way up the staircase. Yes, no doubt Holmes would be conducting some strange experiment while John, kind soul that he was, fussed over the state of his room and his well being.

Bless his dear heart.

As Mary arrived at Holmes' room, she made to knock before she abruptly stopped herself. The sense of mischief inside of her was telling her to simply barge in as loudly as possible and catch them unawares, simply to see they're expressions. It was a ridiculously childish notion, but it was harmless enough...as long as she quickly stepped back should one of them be armed at the time and fire off in panic.

Which, she decided, just adds to the thrill.

But just as soon as she was about to grip the handle, she heard the distinct click of the lock and John's muffled voice coming from within.

"You're not going anywhere Holmes, not until you see reason."

Ah, there it was. John once again voicing his concerns to the stubbornly deaf Mr. Holmes. Well, this time Mary would help him. She would walk right in and tell Holmes that John was absolutely right about...whatever they were discussing.

The door was indeed now locked, but that didn't at all bother Mary. Not too long ago she had begged her husband to show her how to pick a lock, really as a fancy but reasoning that a girl never knew when she might need to pick a lock. She had practiced many times whenever she had lacked something to do and she had become fairly good at it. Not an expert by any means, but not bad.

So she took out the pick locking materials she now always carried with her and began working at the door as she listened to the men's conversation.

"I always see reason, Watson," Holmes defended "in fact my very profession depends on it. But what I fail to see is how you think that this will be beneficial to me? As I believe your reasoning was 'I must do this, I can longer contain myself.' "

"I did not say that and you know it. You're fully aware that I said 'This needs to be done, for both our sakes.' and that 'I can't bear the thought of losing you any longer.' "

"But you already 'lost me,' Old Cock, when you married..."

"And I know you know what I mean. Now stop being so stubborn and come here."

"No, I refuse. First of all, I am sure that, unless the laws have changed in the past half hour, the way you're going about this is quite illegal. And secondly, I simply will not permit you to shove that thing inside of me."

Mary stopped fiddling with the lock.

"Whether something is entirely legal or not has rarely bothered you before. And if you'll just cooperate, I won't need to shove it in. I could painlessly slide it in. I'll even let you take some time to breath in order to prepare yourself."

"It will still hurt."

"Good god, since when are your afraid of a little pain? And honestly, Holmes, I'm quite good at this. Since I've been married I've been allowed a great deal more practice than I ever had rushing around from case to case with you. In fact, I'd already had adequate prior experience in medical school, as some of the boys and I often practiced our insertions on each other. I'll wager half a crown that you'll hardly feel a thing."

"Watson, when one is penetrated with an unwelcome object, one feels something."

Mary's mouth was open in pure shock.

"Oh come now, it's not like you aren't used to this. How many times have I found you lying in a half-naked, mussed heap on the floor with the clear evidence of what you've been doing lying spent beside you?"

"That is something I bring upon myself in situations that I control. And in that case the end justifies the means. It gives me pleasure."

"This will as well, Holmes. Trust me, it will make you feel like a new man. I've yet to receive any complaints from any of the others I've done this to. Indeed, most cannot wait to show me gratitude."

Dear...Lord....

"I cannot imagine what has brought this urge upon you today, Watson. No doubt that wife yours has been..."

"Mary is not to be a part of this conversation....but I will have you know that she never puts up such a fight."

Why you....

"Yes, well, I'm finding it hard to believe that you've actually ever..."

"And as I've already implied, I've been wanting to do this for quite some time, Holmes, but my conscience just didn't allow it as I assumed you'd be adverse to the idea. I'm passed that now, no doubt due to your charming influence."

"I assure you, Doctor, your attempt at flattery will prove to be quite fruitless."

To Mary's horror there was a sound of something being unclasped, almost like a belt.

"Oh, now stop fussing, Old Boy. Look, I'm already prepared and I'm not leaving until this thing is emptied."

"You're already....GREAT SCOTT, WATSON! Put that terrible thing away! My god, look at it's size! I've never had anything that large!"

Mary's cheeks grew terribly warm.

"Really man, it's not that big."

"It's enormous!"

"Fine, have it your way. It's gargantuan. But that changes nothing, in time you'll see it's for your own good. You really should stop buying that deplorable type of pleasure from off the street, Holmes. Who knows what kinds of diseases you've been collecting over the years from off those seedy people who've been servicing you? No doubts their so-called 'goods' are questionable to say the least and those very instruments you use... I can't imagine how contaminated they must be. You need something healthy and clean for once."

"How do I know how healthy or clean that thing is? And I object to the term 'instruments,' Doctor. Really."

"You can trust me to...oh no, please do not tell me they have names."

"Of course they do. You think I would let anyone so intimately close to my body without knowing their name?"

"Unlike you, I do not exactly consider them people."

John! Mary's heart sank.

John went on, "They're not even....oh nevermind, that's not the point. Just stop your jokes and listen, despite what you may believe I do not have all the time in the world. Mary will be expecting me home soon, and if she knew about this she'd have my head. This usually is only reserved for my patients."

Excuse me?!

"Take advantage of them as well do you?"

"They want it, they know it will make them feel good."

I beg your pardon?! The impudence! How dare he?! He wasn't THAT remarkable!........all the time....

"So give it to them."

"I have, and now I want to give it to you. Please, Holmes, I'm begging you now. Let me do this. I promise you it'll be worth it."

"If you don't say so yourself, I suppose?"

She heard a loud, frustrated groan.

"This has nothing to do with my ego! I can't stay much longer, Old Man, and I swear to you that if I leave here unsatisfied I'll simply hound you again and again until you relent. So let's just get this over with now, shall we?"

There was a sigh.

"Is there really no talking you out of this?"

"No."

Mary hardly took a breath as silence stretched out for a long, painful while. During this time, she stewed in her thoughts. How could he?! John had always seemed so caring and professional. Was this disgusting, terrible villain the true Dr. John Watson?

Finally John spoke again, "I hope this means that you have seen reason at last. Now, undo your trousers and place your hands on the table."

"No." Holmes stated "If we really have to do this...then let me swallow it."

WHAT?!

John gave a frustrated sigh "Holmes..."

"What? Why could you not simply put that thing in my mouth and spurt it in?"

"You know damn well why!"

"I'm not going to bite down on it, the most I will do is suckle, and I give you my word I won't touch it. You precious instrument will remain completely unharmed."

"Oh, enough! Stop treated me like a fool, it is quite insulting. Now undo your trousers!"

".....No."

"Holmes, I've had it. We're doing this today, one way or another. Do not make me tie you down!"

Mary's face burned red.

"You would not dare."

"Would I not?"

She gasped as she heard scuffling, the thumps of tables being knocked and glass smashing to the ground until a final bump was heard. The sound of a body being flung on to a table.

"GET...OFF! Watson, release me this minute!"

"Stop fussing! Take your trousers down!"

"I will not! Let me up!"

For a while there was a series of yelps and grunts as well as the rustling of clothing. Now very worried at what Holmes was experiencing and furious at John for being so cruel and deceptive, Mary frantically began to rework at picking the lock. Her hands were shaking and she tried to ignore the sounds from within, but she stilled immediately when John emitted a loud cry....followed by an unhappy groan.

"Holmes, you've made me spill all over you!"

"Better out than in."

"Very well, then we shall simply have to try again!"

THAT was enough! Mary made one final turn with the pin before she slammed open the door, angrily prepared for what she might encounter. She was quite unsurprised when she found Holmes bended over the edge of a table, his backside on the verge of being completely exposed and his hands held behind his back in her husband's grip.

What she wasn't expecting, however, was the sight of John still fully clothed and holding a wasted needle in the hand that was not holding the detective down. Both men had ceased in their struggles and turned their heads to look at her, one with a look of absolute horror and the other with a look of relief.

"Ah, Mrs. Watson," Holmes sighed "thank goodness you're here! If you could, would you please care to keep your lunatic husband and his foul instrument away from me?"

(NOTE): Well, (shrug) who knows how many times I'll come back and edit this thing. It's pretty simple, but I like simplicity. And BTW, it's a shot the doc's trying to administer and the belt buckle sound was his medicine case if you couldn't tell :P. I'm not sure if there's anything illegal in what John's doing or not, but just go with it, and I had no idea how people got their cocaine in those days so let's just say there were guys who serviced that stuff on the street.

I know this is nothing that had you in stitches, but I thought it was amusing at least :). Besides, I like to think that the irony lies in the fact the Mary is really the butt of the joke (if you'll pardon the expression). People believe what they want to believe but those who know the truth are free to laugh at them.