Disclaimer: I don't own Monk or any of it's sister characters.
The song: Sometimes when we touch
The auther: Dan Hill
I'M NOT HIM
What I do own is this cute story. I really think you will like it alot.
You asked me if I love you
"Honey, are you okay," Monk asked his wife.
Trudy just tried to laugh it off and failed miserably.
"Trudy," he said gently.
She took a breath to steady herself then she began.
"Adrian," she said, "I have to tell you something and I should have told you yesterday… and whatever you have to do I understand"
And I chocked on my reply
"You're kind of scaring me a little," he said
"At age 16 I was raped by my high school law teacher," she told him just plunging into the story.
Tears welled up in his eyes.
"Good GOD," he whispered.
"It's… there's more to the story," she said, "and remember whatever you have to do I understand"
I'd rather hurt you honestly
"After I was raped," she continued, "I got pregnant and delivered the most beautiful baby girl ever. I named her Mollie after my grandmother who had recently passed. Her name was Maggie and so I wanted to honor my grandmother. My baby lived exactly 20 days."
She was sobbing now and repeated her phrase, "whatever you have to do I understand"
Then mislead you with a lie
She tried to continue but she couldn't. She was sobbing so hard it would fill an ocean. Adrian came over to her and put his arms around her. She melted into his embrace and sobbed against his chest. He didn't even care that his uniform was getting stained (from her tears).
And who am I to judge you
Finally, after what seemed like forever she calmed down.
"That midwife who is missing… she was the one that delivered Mollie," Trudy continued, "and last night the father of my daughter called and tried to meet me. I obviously refused but Adrian this guy is bad news-"
"Clearly," he said angrily with the man who did that to his wife but even as he spoke he rubbed her back and kissed her forehead.
"I know," she continued, "I should have told you about him last night when he called but I was overwhelmed and frightened… and I didn't think"
On what you say or do
Oh hell no! She wasn't blaming herself for what that monster did to her!
"Trudy," he sat her down on his lap supporting her with his shoulder and arm, "this is not your fault at all. The only person at fault here is the son of a bitch that did this to you. Do I make myself clear?"
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
Trudy sighed in relief.
"So you mean I'm not… I'm not going to be put away"
He had to bite the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing and looked at her strangely.
"Put away," he repeated incredulously, "why would you be put away?"
Her breathing finally steadied and she calmed herself a bit.
And sometimes when we touch
"Because," she finally said, "I should have told you yesterday"
Tenderly he cupped her chin and pulled her in for a kiss. He gently forced her to look into his eyes.
"The only one who is going away… and he's going to hell I hope… is that son of a bitch that raped you and put you through all of this."
"Adrian you don't want to mess with this guy—he's a judge now"
The honesty's too much
"I really don't care if he's president," Monk replied somewhat sarcastically, "he's not indestructible"
"You don't think Brandon Rickover is indestructible," she asked
"No I don't think he's indestructible but I do think his name should be Dickover"
Trudy giggled. Adrian was always making her feel better.
And I have to close my eyes and hide
Sometimes he would literally take away her pain and fear. She could remember many if not all occasions where his love was absolutely pure as the driven snow and selfless as… well his love was beyond description. Sometimes his friends would encourage him to not come to her rescue… let her tough it out but that was about as likely to happen as the moon coming out in the morning and the sun coming out at night. In her husband's arms Trudy Anne Ellison Monk knew she was safe and secure.
"How do you always do that," she asked
I wanna hold you till I die
He held on to her for a long moment. He still held to her even when he let her go.
"Trudy," he said, "until that bastard is caught I plan on dropping you off and picking you up everywhere you go and if you have to go somewhere you are to take my car… the one that has all the safety attachments on it. I know it seems dumb but it's important to me-"
"It isn't dumb… it's smart," Trudy told him, "that guy is definitely up to no good"
Till we both break down and cry
"Trudy," he said gently, "we both know that this isn't going to be easy but we are a we."
"I know Adrian"
"We are going to get through this together"
The doorbell rang. It was Leland who let himself in with the spare key to find Monk still holding tight to Trudy.
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
"What happened," he asked, "you two both look shaken up"
"It's complicated," Monk said and he filled him in.
Leland listened attentively and watched as Trudy kept her eyes on Adrian the whole time.
"No wonder you're so shaken up," he had said in a tone that clearly said he understood how she must have been feeling.
"I was overwhelmed by it all at first," she explained weakly
Romance and all it's strategy
He knew exactly how he felt. Having lost his firstborn, Jennifer, he could only imagine the pain and the suffering that this woman went through. He knew every thought that was running through her mind at the moment.
"Yes I can imagine," he said, "and Trudy please don't blame yourself for what happened. You are in no way, shape or form responsible"
Leaves me battling with my pride
"She actually thought she would be put away," Monk shared with his friend
"Why? She didn't do anything wrong. Last I checked being raped was NOT a crime"
"I… because I waited a day to say anything about it"
But through the insecurity
"I'm actually surprised it didn't take you months to open up," Leland remarked, "I mean it would have probably taken me months just to comprehend it"
Trudy closed her eyes for a moment and composed herself.
"Thank you," she said after a moment.
Monk and Leland looked eyes for a second… the unspoken words spoken as loudly as if they've been shouted.
"This is going to be okay," Monk told his wife again
Some tenderness survives
"Leland," Monk said, "I'm taking the day off. I need to be with my wife right now. She's been through so much… I don't know how much she could handle"
"You're right," Leland replied, "take a break. Come back whenever you feel up to it"
I'm just another writer
After Leland left Trudy sank into her husband's arms. She felt drained of all energy and spoken out. She was a writer and she normally never had trouble expressing herself. She just sunk into the comfort and warmth of his arms.
"I love you," she whispered to him
Still trapped within my truth
She wasn't imprisoned but she was trapped. She was trapped in the nightmare of her rape. It had been 18 years and that memory of it still haunted her. That man stole her innocence… and she hated what he did. She forgave him yes, but she hated what he did.
A hesitant prize fighter
Trudy was not one to ever quit. She always got her way. She always managed to survive even if she was going through the worst of times. Yes… to say that Trudy was a survivor was definitely more true then anything. Still as a tear rolled down her eyes she had to admit this was tough.
Still trapped within my youth
Sometimes at night she would feel so trapped within her past that she was have to actually go out and get some fresh air or even go for a walk on the boardwalk. Adrian never questioned her. Instead he just went with her and they walked on the boardwalk or the beach together. Every time she would try to apologize for the panic attacks he was calmly tell her that whenever she needed to and was ready to talk he was there to listen. He loved her no matter what and nothing would ever change that.
And sometimes when we touch
I should have picked up on the clues, Monk thought to himself. There were clues. Any time he was touch her when she was sleeping she would startle. If he surprised her (like covered her eyes or something like that) she was gasp at first. It was as if her past and her present were all mixed together.
The honesty's too much
He asked her about that one time.
'Adrian,' she said, 'it was a part of my past that is really painful. I can't talk about it right at the moment. I promise I will tell you but when I am ready"
Adrian completely understood that and didn't press the matter any further.
And I have to close my eyes and hide
Trudy was open about almost everything. She had never lied to him… not once. She told him the truth even when she thought it would get her in trouble. It never did of course. In Adrian's eyes Trudy was perfect and her faults made her even more perfect.
I wanna hold you till I die
Trudy was the one that taught him how to love. One particular incident was clear in his mind as it if had just happened. Adrian had gone to a party. Some girl had gotten drunk and kissed him. He had agonized about that for the longest time ever (3 days) before he broke down and told Trudy about what had happened.
Till we both break down and cry
"Adrian," she told him with a smile, "thank you for being honest"
She had gently kissed him then lightly swatted him on the shoulder.
"What was that for," he asked
"That," she said, "was for feeling guilty about something you had no control over. I want you to promise you won't feel guilty again about something that is in no way, shape or form your fault"
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
"So you forgive me," he asked amazed
"I would have forgiven you even if you had done it on purpose," she told him, "which isn't permission to go out and have an affair or kiss another girl," she added with a smile.
"I never would," he told her.
"Good… because you don't have the right to do that," she teased
Normally he would respond to one of her 'rights' jokes with 'ha…ha very cute' but instead he told her, "nobody should have the right to do that"
At times I'd like to break you
Although he would never admit it Adrian was angry. He wasn't angry with his wife one bit. He was angry with the fact that she was brought to the point where she couldn't function. That bastard brought her down and he hated him for it. She was crying and he was glad for it.
And drive you to your knees
She had held this in for so long. She had suffered for so long. It was the release she needed. She had been trapped… free and at the same time trapped. Those tears was releasing her and allowing her to feel.
At times I'd like to break through
Once he saw that she had been crying long enough he wiped the tears away with his thumbs.
"I know," he told her gently, "it hurts me to see you hurting just as much as it hurts you"
"I love you," she told him, "and I know that I should have told you a long time ago. I just-"
"Trudy please don't do this to yourself," he said, "the only one at fault here is the man who did this to you"
And hold you endlessly
"He told me it was my fault," she sobbed
"Of course he did," Adrian told her, "that's called mental games"
"Mental games? Isn't Chess a mental game?"
"Yes and just like Chess he's trying to stay one step ahead of his opinionate"
At times I understand you
Trudy nodded in understanding. His analogy made perfect sense. It was a part of him that always made her understand. Even when nobody could understand what he was talking about, Trudy could. There was one time she would never forget as long as she lived.
And I know how hard you've tried
'You see,' Adrian had told her, 'here's the thing. You…I mean we… I mean I…-'
Trudy could see that Adrian was getting flustered.
'Adrian,' she told him gently reaching out, 'it's okay. I already know'.
He looked at her gratefully and relieved.
I've watched while love commands you
Adrian could remember a time before he and Trudy were married. She had been suspected of something and obviously Adrian knew she couldn't do it.
"Monk it's your call," Leland said as the 'crime' was not a major deal, "should we pursue it or drop it"
"Trudy would never do anything like that," Monk replied, "let it go"
Of course she hadn't done anything wrong.
And I've watched love pass you by
Then there was the time she had to go away for 4 days. She claimed it was for an assignment but she had lied. She had to be tested for brain cancer. There was a tumor there but it was not malignant. It was fixed 7 weeks later and he told her in no uncertain terms never to try to protect him by hiding the truth from him because he loved her too much… they would get through it together.
Sometimes I think we're drifters
It was very rare but there would be times that Trudy would act very strange. For instance there would be times that he would say something and it was like she didn't even hear him. He would have to call her name several times before she would even hear him and it would take 2 to 3 minutes before she was capable of formulating a response. She wasn't intentionally ignoring him. Her mind was elsewhere.
Still searching for a friend
During the times she got like that he could tell that she needs love and support and friendship. He was always her love. He was always her support. He was always her best friend. There was never a doubt in her mind that he loved her
A brother or a sister
Trudy was an only child. She did have a younger brother that died in her arms of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at the age of 9 weeks. For the longest time ever Trudy blamed herself for Ellis's death. Adrian knew that weighed heavy on her heart even though she no longer blamed herself for it. He had only seen the look on her face now once before when she told him about Ellis.
But then the passion flairs again
He kissed her. It was gentle at first… tender and calm. Soon thereafter it became hungry. Noticing the look on Trudy's face he realized that he had to slow it down again. She needed gentle.
And sometimes when we touch
"I love you," she told him
"I love you," he told her back.
"Am I… I mean… I…"
"Slow down sweetheart," he said, "breathe"
Finally she calmed down and once again melted in his arms.
The honesty's too much
There was so much he had to tell her. Now however wasn't the time to tell her. Now was the time to hold her and reassure her and love her. They would talk later. Now was the time for action… not words.
And I have to close my eyes and hide
"I think," he finally said, "that you need to make an appointment to talk to someone professionally. I'm making an appointment for you with my own therapist"
"A-are you sure you don't mind?"
He shook his head.
"The only thing I mind is what that bastard did to you"
I wanna hold you till I die
"It's going to be okay," he said, "we very well might have to go through some struggles but I want you to know that we will go through it together"
"Literally together," she asked
"Yes… literally together. We have always be a we and we will always be a we"
She smiled at him.
Till We Both Break Down And Cry
"We are," she whispered to him tears filling her eyes.
"No," he said, "we always have been and we always will be"
He started crying as the tears filled her eyes. Afterwards they both felt a whole lot better.
"I am such a loser," Trudy said laughing
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
"Trudy you are not in any way, shape or form a loser. You never have been and you never will be. In my eyes you were born a winner. In my eyes you're perfect"
She was no longer afraid because she knew that he was always going to be through and everything would always be okay.