Author's Note: This story is based on C.S. Lewis' books. It takes place just before the Pevensies leave for England in 'Prince Caspian'. I wanted to write an explanation for why Susan ends up being "not a friend of Narnia" in later books, why she forgets Narnia.
Yes, I wrote this during a depressed mood. I don't think that detracts from the writing.
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When Susan was young, she had liked to read stories of romance and adventure, or dashing heroes and true love. In those stories, a prince on a white horse would come and rescue the fair maiden. They would fall in love madly, and their love would see them through all trials. The stories always ended the same way: 'They all lived happily ever after'. But the stories got it wrong.
Sometimes loves isn't enough. Sometimes the fact that you care only makes the pain sting worse. Sometimes not being able to give up a person is the worst curse, not the greatest joy.
She knew that she and her siblings must leave Narnia. She had known she would not see him again. But in her folly, in her foolish, foolish hope, she had dared to think the day would not come.
Aslan's decision that she should not return had not been upsetting. For her, Narnia would be forever tainted by the memory of him, the fairy tale that could never come true. And yet…
And yet she loved him, yes, loved him. She couldn't help it, couldn't stop it. When they had first seen each other, the lost look in his eyes… it was just as she'd been finding herself feeling. He'd always been there for her after that, had understood her even when no one else had. Edmund had joked that they were actually twins separated at birth. His joke was not bitterly un-amusing. How could two people so close be separated? And how could she stay?
To leave with her family meant despair and heartbreak. To stay without them meant the same. Either way, whatever she chose would be haunted by the memory of the choice she might have made. She would think about it constantly. How could she live half in Narnia and half in England?
The answer was simple: she couldn't.
But the choice was hard and pained her to make. Even now, she had not chosen. How can you choose between two halves of yourself? No matter what happened, there would always be questions about the other side. Unless you could cut that part out completely. Unless you could forget your second self.
And then Aslan had offered. He had offered to take away all of her memories of Narnia, to return her to England without remembering any of it. Not Trumpkin, nor Mr. Tumnus, nor… Caspian. She could forget them, go on living life as and normal teenager would. How could she refuse?
And how could she accept? To forget a world that was as much a part of her as England, maybe more so. It would be like forgetting Peter of Edmund or Lucy.
But Susan wanted it to stop. She wanted to stop lying awake at night, wondering what might have been. She wanted to stop trying to live in two worlds. She wanted to stop trying to bring peace and harmony to a heart split down the middle. She wanted to stop bring healing to others and never to herself.
But most of all, she wanted to stop putting up a brave face to mask her pain inside. She wanted her face to be just that: her face, not a mask. She wanted to feel what she felt and allow it to show. And she could never do that as long as she remembered Narnia.
She wasn't sure where it had come from, this wishing for the end. It had started slowly, after leaving Narnia for the first time. The awful, lost feeling. Not knowing who she was, or where she fit in. It had been a terrible feeling. Even knowing her siblings felt the same way hadn't helped her. She couldn't reveal how she felt in front of them; she had to put up a mask of strength in the hope that it would someday become reality. But even when the pain had dulled, it never had.
Then they'd returned, and she'd allowed herself to hope. But that hope was tossed back into her face. Everyone she knew, everyone she'd cared about and loved- they were gone. They were the stuff of fables and legends, as though they weren't people. As though they had never been people. Some folk didn't believe they existed, yet they had been her dear, close friends. Did anyone ever stop to think how that affected her, Queen Susan the Gentle?
No. And so she had been forced to continue, carrying a load that weighed heavily on her. A load which grew larger with every step as she saw how her beloved Narnia had changed. And then she'd met him.
He reminded her of herself, in so many ways. He had seen how she was feeling, even if he didn't know what it was. But he had turned away from the issue. He didn't want to know what she was going through. And Susan could never forgive him for that.
She knew why he'd done it. It even made sense. He'd had too many problems of his own, he didn't know what it was, he didn't think he could help…
But it all came down, in the end, to that he hadn't helped her. He'd saved her life in the forest, helped Lucy get through when she couldn't. And for that, Susan was grateful. But he had left her her far greater struggle, the internal one. He had walked away from it.
It had hurt her badly. But it couldn't stop her from loving him.
She'd never been one to dismiss love as a fairy tale, nor one to blindly follow it. But she knew now that love, without everything that makes it worthwhile, would not satisfy her. There couldn't be love where there was ignorance. There couldn't be love without trust. There couldn't be anything in a relationship where she hid how she was feeling, hoping he would notice. And there couldn't be love if the other person noticed you were in a bad spot and didn't help. But yet she had loved him. Or had she?
So she had continued, alone in her burden, surrounded by something calling itself love and yet showing it wasn't. Peter or Edmund must have noticed what she was going through. But they too said nothing. They were content not to know.
She knew that some of the blame lay with her. She could have asked for help a dozen times. She could have brought it up by herself, instead of waiting for someone to ask her.
But she hadn't. She had been too proud to ask for help. And now she would have begged for help, but there was none because it was too late.
She must choose.
But really, there was no choice to make. She couldn't live always wondering what might have been. The only way to avoid that was to forget.
There was total silence as she approached Aslan. "I have chosen." Her voice was strong. "I will accept your generous offer."
She could hear the whispers, the mutterings of the crowd. She could feel Caspian's eyes upon her. But she didn't turn to meet their inquiring, pleading gaze. She heard Lucy's muffled cry of "You can't!" and then turned to meet her sister's eyes.
Her voice, when she addressed them, was soft and pleading. "Please don't argue with me. You could have changed my mind once, but not now. Sometimes…" She took a breath. "Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes you just want the pain to go away." Lucy's eyes welled over, but she nodded. "I'm sorry." It was a whisper.
"If you're sorry, don't do it!" Edmund was frustrated practically to tears.
She turned to him. "I'm not sorry for my choice, Ed. But I'm sorry I didn't try harder earlier. Maybe… maybe I'd never have made this decision."
"We can still make this work!"
"No, Edmund. I can't." Her voice begged him to understand.
He didn't. His voice shook with emotion. "You want to forget, don't you? You want it to be over. You don't even want to try anything else! You just want to give up!"
There was a pause before she answered. "Yes, Edmund." He was shocked into silence. "I want to give up. I've lost hope. And I just want the pain to be gone. I want… I want to forget it ever happened, so that I won't feel the pain of losing it again." She looked at the tears streaming down his face. "I'm sorry I couldn't be strong when it mattered."
She turned to Peter, who had been silently weeping. But he hadn't argued with her. And by that, she knew he understood. "Peter." He looked at her, and her eyes softened. "Thank you." He barely inclined his head, but the tears fell thick and fast.
Then she turned to Caspian. She had meant to say something, anything. But her voice would not work at the sight of his hurt, shocked face. If anything could have swayed her decision, it would have been that. But she did not, could not take back her words. Two tears fell down her face as she stared into his eyes. Then she looked away.
Her eyes met Aslan's. "I am ready."
He nodded. "Queen Susan the Gentle." His use of her title made her eyes overfill with tears. "Look into my eyes."
She did not obey, not at first. She looked over the hills, at the castle, at the courtyard, finally at the land. When she had first arrived in Narnia, it had been her magical land, filled with milk and honey. But it had gone sour, leaving her with only memories of its former glory. The very memories that now haunted her dreams. Faces flashed before her eyes, friends and foes, from her first visit to Narnia and her second. She would forever wonder about them. That is why she must not remember them. She loved her friends, so she must forget them. There was bitter irony in that.
She looked once more at her golden land which had gone dark. Or perhaps it was her who wasn't right in Narnia, not Narnia in her life. Or was it the same thing?
Then finally, slowly, she looked into Aslan's eyes. They were sad, as they had been the night he walked to his doom on the Stone Table. But he had known he would be back. He knew Susan would not. And so his eyes were a little sadder. The great mouth opened, and he breathed on her.
At first she felt nothing. But soon, it was as though she was surrounded in water, only without the cold or fear of drowning. Mist rose in swirls from her body. She knew instinctively that it would get rid of her memories. Suddenly she had a thought. What about Aslan? Will I remember him? It was too late to ask.
As the mist rose, her lips parted to speak two words. What if? But soon the mist covered her head, and she could no longer question her decision.
So wat'cha think? Should it continue or stay a oneshot?
I've noticed practically all stories based on Suspian are happy endings, but I think part of the attraction of that couple is the doomed love aspect. I wanted to write a story where it doesn't all work out, which captured the Romeo and Juliette aspect of the relationship.
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