The last afternoon sun was beautiful, but unremarkable. Twigs scattered on the ground made it look untidy, tall nettles made it look unkempt. The wind shook the broad leaves slightly, making them look as if they were trembling... the occasional stronger wind shook them, and they fell around, uncontrollable wind controlling the plants.
A lattice of trees was netted by a blanket of ivy. Pale white dead plants were laced against the ivy, looking like fragile whips against the greenery. The fronts of the trees looked green, but cold and univiting. The front let off an unhealthy air from that, from the mess and the mixture of dead and live plants. Through gaps in the bush wall, sunlight streamed. Sunlight lit the backs of visible trees, a beautiful soft yellow-orange, bathing all in reach in this god-given light. The plants and ivy touched by this sunlight didn't look unhealthy and sickening- they were radiently, passionatly green, healthy and alive.
Healthy. Beautiful. Alive. Beautiful.
Beautiful.
The word echoed, syllable by syllable, through Marron's mind. He was beautiful, apparentally. Gateau thought so, anyway.
The sunlight was beautiful. Its warmth and beauty, so forgiving, so warm, requested by no-one but treasured by many... it gave its warmth and love unquestioningly. It sickened Marron, so he didn't look at it anymore. He moved his gaze, looking at the tops of the trees, framed by the blue sky. This was better. Due to the onset of winter, the tops of the trees were bare and leafless.
Marron smiled wryly, building up an image in his mind with words, feeding his heart with the visual poetry in front of him, tragic and picturesque, like a funeral.
The naked treebranches spread into the sky like bony fingers. Branch split to branches split to twigs, a thousand thin delicate spears, a thousand thin bare naked bones, devoid of skin, devoid of life. Birds perched on the thicker branches, trilling softly. They looked as out of place as they sounded... life looked lonley amongst those apocalyptic spears. Spears that could shatter and break and leave nothing. Marron appreciated their messy unorganized morbid crisscross... they looked, somewhat, how he felt. Forbidden feelings stabbed through him, crossing their way over his heart, wrapping it in wire, that certain person ready to pull. Marron wondered if the wire'd been pulled yet... he was still alive, so he supposed that it hadn't. But he could feel each wire- each feeling, he felt them, wondered how much worse it'd feel to have those wired pulled taught... Marron reached out and snapped some nearby twigs with a flick of his wrist. One small movement, just like that, and those wires would be pulled tight. And Marron would die, victim of his own introspective mindscape.
The air smelt fresh, and should he have been sat in it, the sunlight would probebly have been warm. He didn't want to be warm, though. He wanted night to come, he wanted the world to be dark to match his world of darkness, he wanted- needed- the pitch black of night, so no-one would see his tears. Already the white-blue of the sky and clouds was giving way to the subtle marbleization of sunset, the sky falling a cold blue where the sun didn't touch, cold blue before dark. Dark blue that might as well have been black. Darkness. The darkness in Marron's heart, in his soul, in his mind, in his voice, in his tears.
And then Carrot appeared.
Like the birds that sat by blood-red deathbringing berries, Carrot seemed out of place in the glade. His voice with its usual happy air, it might have made Marron wince, had the voice not belonged to Carrot.
Thinking of that name stabbed Marron's heart, seeing him and hearing that voice moreso.
"Yo, otouto! You left suddenly."
Marron raised his head with an air of subtle deliberance. His words spoke of emotion not felt in his voice.
"Oh... I worried you?"
Carrot grinned, taking place down next to where Marron was sat, scaring a few tiny songbirds into flight.
"A little. Normally ya tell people where you're going if you're gonna go off somewhere, ya know? If you'd ended up in danger, we wouldn't have known where to find you!"
Marron just stared blankly ahead. "We?"
Carrot nodded. "Yeah, me and Tira and Chocolat n' Gateau. What's wrong? You seem all distant..."
Marron closed his eyes.
"Maybe that's because that's how I feel. Hadn't the concept occoured to you that, prehaps, sometimes people want time alone?"
Carrot seemed to realise that he might have disturbed something. He started to make as if to go, standing up, "If you're musing on some magic thing, you shoulda told me-" from his lips before Marron reached up and grabbed the edge of Carrot's tanktop, stopping him from leaving. Carrot turned, a questioning look on his face. Marron was facing downwards, as if still introspective. His hand was the only changed part of him.
"Uh?"
"Sometimes I want to be alone... but I don't mind you being here. I don't want to be disturbed, but... you don't disturb me..."
His voice dropped to a quiet whisper, "... I can be alone with my niisan."
Marron let his hand drop. He looked up at Carrot, a strange look in his eyes. Like an empty sadness... Carrot frowned a little, not understanding the look. Marron gently patted the ground next to him, "Sit with me."... silently, Carrot complied.
"Ne, Marron... are you feeling okay? You're kinda... depressed?"
Carrot ended on a question, not entirely sure if 'depressed' was enough to express what he thought Marron was feeling.
"Depressed, niisan?"
Said with little emotion. He spoke evenly, this was more of a statement than a question.
"Yeah, all kinda sad and stuff."
Marron chuckled, something that creeped Carrot a little. The glade seemed halfway to death, forboding and dark... Marron was being moody and introspective, and then... a laugh, that laugh. Marron had genuinely found something amusing in what Carrot had said, and the fact that he didn't have the faintest idea what worried Carrot a little.
Carrot scowled.
"Hey, what's funny?"
Marron's laugh ended quietly. He turned to face Carrot directly, a grim smile on his face.
"Depressed... doesn't even start to cover what I'm feeling. Mere depression would be too simple... but niisan can't understand. No-one really can, niisan least of all."
"Damn, Marron! Stop talking in riddles! Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll try to help. It's not like you to keep secrets from me!"
The greatest secret of all, Marron thought with dry amusement, was that it was like him to keep secrets. Some secrets. That secret. The secret itself was the secret. But if Carrot didn't know Marron as well as he liked to think, then that was his problem.
Marron sighed, a sigh with more emotion than previous utterances or movements.
"Niisan, I CAN'T tell you."
"You sound like you want to."
Marron blinked.
Carrot had a point.
To a point, yes, Marron wanted to tell Carrot. But what was there to tell him? He could hardly figure out his emotions himself, who knows what Carrot would have made of them...
Would that make sense to Carrot? Explaining his confusion in ambiguous terms seemed an easier option than trying to explain his feelings, and it was more comftable than that expectant silence.
"Niisan... I would tell you if I knew myself, if I could put the emotions inside me into words... but I can't. Thoughts and feelings fly around inside me, but they catch in my throat... they're dead before I can even speak them."
Carrot wrapped his arm around Marron's shoulders in a protective hug. Marron's heart quickened and his body stiffened- he felt his brother's arm, but laters of robe separated them... that tantalizing, familiar warm touch... so near, yet so far...
Marron seemed to retreat further into himself as Carrot spoke.
"Heyy, otouto... that's just teenage angst, y'know?"
A squeeze. Marron attempted not to blush. He wasn't sure wether he'd succeeded or not.
Carrot seemed to mistake Marron's reaction for another.
"Try to talk to me about it. if you tried, it might make you feel better..."
Much as it hurt Marron to take himself from his brother's embrace, his mind and his body were at odds on how to react. His body wanted to launch itself into Carrot's embrace, feel their bodies share that warmth, and his mind wasn't much better... 'pass it off as teenage angst and he might touch you more, Marron' was what his mind said. If Marron blushed at his brother's arm around his shoulders, how might he react at other touches? Other.. embraces?
Marron's mind and body simultaniously decided to chicken out. Standing up suddenly, he walked awkwardly over to the other side of the glade.
He looked out through a gap in the bushes. He sighed.
"The sun's too warm."
Carrot didn't understand. He walked over to Marron, and stood behind him.
"Marron... what?"
"The sun's too warm. I'd rather it was cold, and I'd rather it was night."
"Oh..."
Marron closed his eyes, one hand wrapped around a slim treebranch. He trembled silently, shaking, shivering, confused.
His brother was standing behind him, and he knew that something was wrong.
Marron mentally kicked himself. Carrot had never really picked up on Marron's angst, but Marron had never really encouraged him either...
He turned, turning around.
"Niisan, there IS something wrong. But I can't really say... part of me can't say, and part of me won't say. I'm... I'm scared, niisan."
"Scared?" Carrot noted that Marron seemed to be warming up to him a little. "What's scaring you?"
Marron just shook his head, mumbling a barely-audible "can't say".
"I guess I can't make you talk to me..." Carrot was going to try, though.
"... is it something a Sorcerer did? Something got to you? That Sorcerer Count Pervert who chained young guys up and tortured 'em to death? That weird chick who drank blood?"
Carrot was on a roll. He only stopped after "Is it that ghost chick?" when Marron suddenly chimed in with "You can't understand, you've never fallen in love with the wrong person!"
An untimely coincidence.
The glade was silent, brothers staring at each other.
Marron was frozen, knowing he'd said the right thing at the wrong time.
Carrot was frozen, mistaken into thinking he'd uncovered the truth.
"Marron... you're in love? With that ghost girl? Damn... I mean, I guess my shy little brother's gotta fall in love at some point, but that's harsh! She's gone now, you can't get her back... she WAS cute though. What was her name... Cork?"
Marron shook his head, "Niisan's only half right."
"Colk? Cora? Aork?"
"No, I mean..."
Marron froze, unable to say what he meant.
Carrot spoke softly.
"Is it to do with the ghost girl?"
Marron shook his head.
"Is it to with with love?"
A pause.
Marron nodded slightly. He spoke the word 'yes', but no sound came out.
Carrot was touched by Marron's emotion, but still mystified.
Marron repeated his earlier statement, or a variant thereof.
"You can't understand, niisan... you've not fallen in love with the wrong person."
"And you have?"
"I can't stop thinking about... that person."
Marron spoke slowly, more as if he felt that this had to be said as opposed to him wanting it said.
"... I wake up to thoughts of that person. Sleep to the same. H-they run through my dreams... I dream the most terrible dreams, niisan. The dreams I control..." he smiled sadly, "... are the worst. Hot, passionate, forbidden trysts under the stars... seeing that person's real self destroys me each day, whenever I see them I die inside, the most beautiful scene is rendered dull when they're around... niisan, it's torture. I can't feel happy anymore. I love that person too much..." Marron shook with a powerful repressed cry, "... I'm dead inside."
"You... don't mean that. If you were dead inside, you... you wouldn't be crying right now."
Carrot felt sad himself, seeing his brother so taken like that. He didn't know who it was his brother was talking about, but whoever this person was, Marron had fallen hook, like and sinker for them.
Carrot's gut reaction was 'damn, that person's lucky. Marron's obsessed', which was followed by the most important thing of all; discovering just who it was that Marron was obsessed with.
"So... you're in love."
"If love is this pain, then I suppose I am."
Marron's doom-and-gloom attitude was biting at Carrot a little.
"Marron, you talk like that, but... does the person know you like them? Have you ever spoken to them about this kinda thing? Have you spoken to them at all?"
"It's someone you know well, niisan. I've... not really spoken of this to anyone, but... I've spoken to them before."
"It's one of the girls, isn't it?"
Despite himself, Marron was surprised. He frowned, confused. "Girls?"
"Chocolat or Tira. I guess it's kinda natural, I mean, we've all been together for such a long time... Chocolat's self-assured and confident, and Tira's got that quiet innocent sweetness thing going on when she's not whipping me half to death with that whip of hers... whichever one it is, you're welcome to try, but I don't know-"
"It's not one of the girls."
"Dota?"
"... It's not Dota."
Marron turned around again, leaning both elbows against the gap in the trees. The sun was warm on his face, a contrast between the icy cold he felt on his back. His mind was racing; his brother was precariously close to finding out... it'd all started off so innocently, but Marron just had to keep making references... he closed his eyes, hurting inside. Why couldn't he have kept quiet? Keeping quiet would be another day, another month of Carrot not knowing, of Carrot running off and randomly flirting with other girls... but it was still another day and another month of life going on as per usual. Marron wasn't sure how Carrot would react if he found out, and that was what Marron was afraid of. Afraid of losing his brother in the worst possible way...
When Carrot next spoke, he sounded as if he was resigned to fate. And a little disgusted at the same time.
"It's Gateau, isn't it?"
"Niisan?"
"Well, if it's not Tira or Chocolat, then it's gotta be Gateau, hasn't it? Jeez, if it's him, I don't know what you're worried about. It's obvious enough he likes you enough, you'd just have to give the word and he'd jump into bed with you... just don't feel the need to tell me all about it, okay? If you're gay then I guess I can't really help that, and if being with Gateau makes you happy, then I guess I can't help that either. Just don't try and make me pretend to be happy with you guys being together like that, because, well, I can't. Gay guys just don't do it for me. I'd just tolerate it 'cause you're my brother."
Marron felt as if Carrot had randomly punched him in the stomach. He knew that Carrot was only stating his opinion, and he was only stating the opinion on speculation, but while he'd heard his brother yell and rant and scream (mainly when drunk) about that kind of thing, he'd never laid it out like that.
Marron said nothing for a long time, and Carrot felt a little regret.
"Hey, Marron? Did I sound too harsh? I'm sorry, it's just... I dunno, it's something I'd have to get used to, I guess." Carrot laughed a hopeful laugh, trying to get Marron to smile or speak or do anything, just so he wasn't so quiet, "... It's not like you're asking me to jump into bed with you, or Gateau, or the both of you, is it? I should just back off. If you wanna do that sorta thing with him, go ahead."
Marron just stared blankly ahead.
"... It's not like you're asking me to jump into bed with you, or Gateau, or the both of you, is it?..."
Marron could almost hear his midnight fantasies crashing down around him. He could almost physically feel them... or was that the tug of his brother on the wires around his heart? Through a haze, Marron felt like he was living some kind of nightmare. Not the big evil oh look there's a big bad monster come to eat me kind of nightmare, but... he just didn't want something like this to be happening. Maybe his brother would change his mind if he knew it wasn't Gateau that Marron liked... if Carrot knew that it was he himself that his brother pined for... would that change his mind? Might it change his mind? Marron felt something inside him falling down inside itself as thoughts, dreams and scenarios quickly played themselves out through his mind. If he said this, then Carrot had to realise! If he did that, then Carrot wouldn't mind... and of course, if he did that and said this, then it'd all turn out fine and he wouldn't have to worry anymore...
As much as anyone, Marron knew that as much as he liked to dream, he couldn't help reality. Whatever he said or however his brother reacted, he couldn't control his brother, and so he threw his dreams to the fates and hoped for the best.
"The person I love is forbidden to me..."
"Well, Gateau IS a guy, but there's still no need-"
"... forbidden to me through gender and through relation."
Carrot's eye twitched, about to frown, but wanting to keep a straight face. He walked so he was stood next to Marron, then pushed some of the bushes out of the way, last sunlight rays hitting his face too.
"The sun's warm. Gender and relation? 'Cause Gateau's a friend? Hey, as I said, all you'd have to do with him is smile at him and he'd be wagging his tail. I wouldn't worry about that."
"... It's not Gateau."
Carrot turned to look at his brother's profile.
Marron was just staring ahead and downwards a little. His hair was tucked back behind his ears, and Carrot was sure he could see the threatening shimmer of unshed tears in his brother's eyes.
Still, he was confused.
Marron wondered if Carrot'd figured it out yet. He'd literally said what he felt, all he needed to do now was lay it out in simple terms for Carrot to understand... if he needed that, of course. Had Carrot already worked it out yet? Someone they knew well. Someone who wasn't Tira, Chocolat, or Gateau. Asides from Big Mama, Dota and the rest, who else would it be?
Marron turned, looking Carrot in the eye, speaking with meaning.
"It's... not... Gateau..."
Carrot looked like he didn't know what face to have. Confusion reigned.
"Well... I mean... it's not a girl, is it?"
Marron spoke, trying to keep himself calm.
"No, niisan, it's not a girl."
"And it's not Gateau..."
"It's not."
Carrot paused for a moment, deep in thought. Who else was there?
"Oh, um... is it that... Mille Feuille? I mean... it's not like we see him SO often, but I gotta admit, for a guy, he's pretty. For a guy. I don't like him like that, I mean, I liked him until I found out he was a him... as a girl he'd be brilliant, but it's just the fact that he's not that's just freaky. I mean, c'mon... but hey, if that's what turns you on. He IS quite gorgeous. From your point of veiw. I guess. Kinda. I suppose. Like, um... yeah."
Carrot trailed off, not sure what to say. As he'd spoken, Marron's expression had melted into a kind of hopeless longing, like Carrot was missing the point by miles while standing right next to it.
He hazarded a guess.
"Is it Mille?"
Marron just shook his head.
"Niisan... j-just think about it..."
Carrot turned around, leaning against the nearest tree. His arms were folded, and he was thinking, putting the jigsaw puzzle peices together.
"There's someone you love. And it's not Tira, Chocolat or Dota. It's not a girl at all. It's a guy. It's not Gateau, and it's not Mille... it's not yourself, you'd haveta be weird to fall into obsession with yourself, and it wouldn't be me..."
Marron felt the need to interject before Carrot went off on any other tangents.
"And why wouldn't it be you?"
The sharpness in Marron's voice surprised Carrot more than the words themselves actually did. Carrot was somewhere between reassurance- though for himself or for Marron he wasn't sure- and fear. Uncertainty was there too.
"H-hey, come on... why wouldn't it be me... why would it be me? I'm your brother, that'd just be weird. You and Gateau I guess I could come to terms with eventually, and you and Mille would be beautiful enough together, but... you... and... me..."
Carrot trailed off, unable to ignore that shattered, broken, empty look in his brothers eyes. Marron was just staring at Carrot, wide-eyed, disbeliving, almost heartbroken...
Carrot realised. Marron wasn't almost heartbroken.
He WAS heartbroken.
He'd had his thoughts and fears before, but that look cemented it for him. There was someone Marron was in love with, someone Marron was obsessed with, and that... that person was Carrot.
"... it wouldn't work, Marron. You, me, we're guys, we're brothers, we're as close as any brothers you could get, I'd hope... but like that, no! Just... no!"
"I haven't even said who it is I love, niisan."
"You don't need to. Your face speaks much more than words, sometimes."
"So..." Marron idly crossed his wrists over each other, still leaning against the branches and the bushes. He seemed to have found something inherantly fascinating with the cross of his wrists, because he couldn't take his eyes off of them. "... you figured it out."
Marron stared at his arms, barely able to focus. A pounding echoed through his mind, warm panic descending around him... Carrot knew his deepest secret. Now what?
"If niisan hates me now, then-"
"Hey, Marron, I never said I hated you. I just... geez, I need time to think about this. It's kinda hard to take in, earlier on when you said about how this person was your waking thought and the last thing you thought about before you went to sleep, I thought about how lucky that person was, but... me? It's me you love? That's just... it's just..."
Again, Carrot seemed caught off guard by Marron's eyes.
Carrot sighed.
"There's no way I could hate you. No way. Even after saying I'm the person you're obsessed with, I just... I can't hate you. I guess, just for feeling that, you wouldn't really deserve that anyway. Why should I hate you for someone you think you're in love with?"
"Think? Niisan, I know! It can't be anything else, I'm in love with you!"
Marron's tears fell at that sentance, then he stopped stock still, with a sharp intake of breath. Carrot looked a little shocked, then looked away, eyes tightly closed.
Carrot didn't say anything. He just stood there, eyes closed... Marron couldn't help it. He cried.
"Niisan... say something... even if it's just to say you hate me..."
"... can't hate you." Carrot was muttering under his breath. "... otouto."
Carrot dropped to the floor, sitting against the tree he'd been leaning against. Marron looked down, and decided to sit next to him, or at least near to him. So at least they were on the same level.
"I guess... this is why you looked so sad when I was saying that stuff about Gateau... you wern't sad because I hated the idea of you and muscleman, you were sad because I hated the idea of two guys, full stop..."
"I can't change how niisan feels."
Carrot looked at Marron through the corners of his eyes.
"But you wish you could, right?"
Marron's voice was a whisper, "More than anything... if it meant that you could love me as much as I loved you."
"Otouto, I DO love you. Don't ever accuse me of not loving you! That'd be too painful, 'cause... 'cause I do love you. You're my treasured little brother, we've known each other for like, all our lives, we gotta deeper bond than most people, right?"
"Y-yes..."
"And we'll always have that bond no matter what, wether we're separated or one of us dies or wherever we are, whoever we're with, we'll always have that bond..."
Carrot's next question caught Marron a little off-guard.
"... what do you want from me?"
"Niisan?"
"You. From me. Want. What do you? I mean... as I said, we have a really close bond, I don't think anyone'd argue with that... we're brothers, so it's not like we'd ever seperate and totally lose what we had... Marron, you've got more of me now than the Misu sisters, and we all know how they're like... it doesn't matter how much they love me or say they love me or like me or want to protect me or whatever, you're my brother, so naturally I'm going to think highly of you, and always want you nearby, and... oh, I can't even explain it. Flowery speech is more your kinda thing. But I just... I don't get what it is you want from me. We know each other better than anyone else, we've known each other for so long, we've got a bond that no-one can break... what more do you want from me?"
A lattice of trees was netted by a blanket of ivy. Pale white dead plants were laced against the ivy, looking like fragile whips against the greenery. The fronts of the trees looked green, but cold and univiting. The front let off an unhealthy air from that, from the mess and the mixture of dead and live plants. Through gaps in the bush wall, sunlight streamed. Sunlight lit the backs of visible trees, a beautiful soft yellow-orange, bathing all in reach in this god-given light. The plants and ivy touched by this sunlight didn't look unhealthy and sickening- they were radiently, passionatly green, healthy and alive.
Healthy. Beautiful. Alive. Beautiful.
Beautiful.
The word echoed, syllable by syllable, through Marron's mind. He was beautiful, apparentally. Gateau thought so, anyway.
The sunlight was beautiful. Its warmth and beauty, so forgiving, so warm, requested by no-one but treasured by many... it gave its warmth and love unquestioningly. It sickened Marron, so he didn't look at it anymore. He moved his gaze, looking at the tops of the trees, framed by the blue sky. This was better. Due to the onset of winter, the tops of the trees were bare and leafless.
Marron smiled wryly, building up an image in his mind with words, feeding his heart with the visual poetry in front of him, tragic and picturesque, like a funeral.
The naked treebranches spread into the sky like bony fingers. Branch split to branches split to twigs, a thousand thin delicate spears, a thousand thin bare naked bones, devoid of skin, devoid of life. Birds perched on the thicker branches, trilling softly. They looked as out of place as they sounded... life looked lonley amongst those apocalyptic spears. Spears that could shatter and break and leave nothing. Marron appreciated their messy unorganized morbid crisscross... they looked, somewhat, how he felt. Forbidden feelings stabbed through him, crossing their way over his heart, wrapping it in wire, that certain person ready to pull. Marron wondered if the wire'd been pulled yet... he was still alive, so he supposed that it hadn't. But he could feel each wire- each feeling, he felt them, wondered how much worse it'd feel to have those wired pulled taught... Marron reached out and snapped some nearby twigs with a flick of his wrist. One small movement, just like that, and those wires would be pulled tight. And Marron would die, victim of his own introspective mindscape.
The air smelt fresh, and should he have been sat in it, the sunlight would probebly have been warm. He didn't want to be warm, though. He wanted night to come, he wanted the world to be dark to match his world of darkness, he wanted- needed- the pitch black of night, so no-one would see his tears. Already the white-blue of the sky and clouds was giving way to the subtle marbleization of sunset, the sky falling a cold blue where the sun didn't touch, cold blue before dark. Dark blue that might as well have been black. Darkness. The darkness in Marron's heart, in his soul, in his mind, in his voice, in his tears.
And then Carrot appeared.
Like the birds that sat by blood-red deathbringing berries, Carrot seemed out of place in the glade. His voice with its usual happy air, it might have made Marron wince, had the voice not belonged to Carrot.
Thinking of that name stabbed Marron's heart, seeing him and hearing that voice moreso.
"Yo, otouto! You left suddenly."
Marron raised his head with an air of subtle deliberance. His words spoke of emotion not felt in his voice.
"Oh... I worried you?"
Carrot grinned, taking place down next to where Marron was sat, scaring a few tiny songbirds into flight.
"A little. Normally ya tell people where you're going if you're gonna go off somewhere, ya know? If you'd ended up in danger, we wouldn't have known where to find you!"
Marron just stared blankly ahead. "We?"
Carrot nodded. "Yeah, me and Tira and Chocolat n' Gateau. What's wrong? You seem all distant..."
Marron closed his eyes.
"Maybe that's because that's how I feel. Hadn't the concept occoured to you that, prehaps, sometimes people want time alone?"
Carrot seemed to realise that he might have disturbed something. He started to make as if to go, standing up, "If you're musing on some magic thing, you shoulda told me-" from his lips before Marron reached up and grabbed the edge of Carrot's tanktop, stopping him from leaving. Carrot turned, a questioning look on his face. Marron was facing downwards, as if still introspective. His hand was the only changed part of him.
"Uh?"
"Sometimes I want to be alone... but I don't mind you being here. I don't want to be disturbed, but... you don't disturb me..."
His voice dropped to a quiet whisper, "... I can be alone with my niisan."
Marron let his hand drop. He looked up at Carrot, a strange look in his eyes. Like an empty sadness... Carrot frowned a little, not understanding the look. Marron gently patted the ground next to him, "Sit with me."... silently, Carrot complied.
"Ne, Marron... are you feeling okay? You're kinda... depressed?"
Carrot ended on a question, not entirely sure if 'depressed' was enough to express what he thought Marron was feeling.
"Depressed, niisan?"
Said with little emotion. He spoke evenly, this was more of a statement than a question.
"Yeah, all kinda sad and stuff."
Marron chuckled, something that creeped Carrot a little. The glade seemed halfway to death, forboding and dark... Marron was being moody and introspective, and then... a laugh, that laugh. Marron had genuinely found something amusing in what Carrot had said, and the fact that he didn't have the faintest idea what worried Carrot a little.
Carrot scowled.
"Hey, what's funny?"
Marron's laugh ended quietly. He turned to face Carrot directly, a grim smile on his face.
"Depressed... doesn't even start to cover what I'm feeling. Mere depression would be too simple... but niisan can't understand. No-one really can, niisan least of all."
"Damn, Marron! Stop talking in riddles! Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll try to help. It's not like you to keep secrets from me!"
The greatest secret of all, Marron thought with dry amusement, was that it was like him to keep secrets. Some secrets. That secret. The secret itself was the secret. But if Carrot didn't know Marron as well as he liked to think, then that was his problem.
Marron sighed, a sigh with more emotion than previous utterances or movements.
"Niisan, I CAN'T tell you."
"You sound like you want to."
Marron blinked.
Carrot had a point.
To a point, yes, Marron wanted to tell Carrot. But what was there to tell him? He could hardly figure out his emotions himself, who knows what Carrot would have made of them...
Would that make sense to Carrot? Explaining his confusion in ambiguous terms seemed an easier option than trying to explain his feelings, and it was more comftable than that expectant silence.
"Niisan... I would tell you if I knew myself, if I could put the emotions inside me into words... but I can't. Thoughts and feelings fly around inside me, but they catch in my throat... they're dead before I can even speak them."
Carrot wrapped his arm around Marron's shoulders in a protective hug. Marron's heart quickened and his body stiffened- he felt his brother's arm, but laters of robe separated them... that tantalizing, familiar warm touch... so near, yet so far...
Marron seemed to retreat further into himself as Carrot spoke.
"Heyy, otouto... that's just teenage angst, y'know?"
A squeeze. Marron attempted not to blush. He wasn't sure wether he'd succeeded or not.
Carrot seemed to mistake Marron's reaction for another.
"Try to talk to me about it. if you tried, it might make you feel better..."
Much as it hurt Marron to take himself from his brother's embrace, his mind and his body were at odds on how to react. His body wanted to launch itself into Carrot's embrace, feel their bodies share that warmth, and his mind wasn't much better... 'pass it off as teenage angst and he might touch you more, Marron' was what his mind said. If Marron blushed at his brother's arm around his shoulders, how might he react at other touches? Other.. embraces?
Marron's mind and body simultaniously decided to chicken out. Standing up suddenly, he walked awkwardly over to the other side of the glade.
He looked out through a gap in the bushes. He sighed.
"The sun's too warm."
Carrot didn't understand. He walked over to Marron, and stood behind him.
"Marron... what?"
"The sun's too warm. I'd rather it was cold, and I'd rather it was night."
"Oh..."
Marron closed his eyes, one hand wrapped around a slim treebranch. He trembled silently, shaking, shivering, confused.
His brother was standing behind him, and he knew that something was wrong.
Marron mentally kicked himself. Carrot had never really picked up on Marron's angst, but Marron had never really encouraged him either...
He turned, turning around.
"Niisan, there IS something wrong. But I can't really say... part of me can't say, and part of me won't say. I'm... I'm scared, niisan."
"Scared?" Carrot noted that Marron seemed to be warming up to him a little. "What's scaring you?"
Marron just shook his head, mumbling a barely-audible "can't say".
"I guess I can't make you talk to me..." Carrot was going to try, though.
"... is it something a Sorcerer did? Something got to you? That Sorcerer Count Pervert who chained young guys up and tortured 'em to death? That weird chick who drank blood?"
Carrot was on a roll. He only stopped after "Is it that ghost chick?" when Marron suddenly chimed in with "You can't understand, you've never fallen in love with the wrong person!"
An untimely coincidence.
The glade was silent, brothers staring at each other.
Marron was frozen, knowing he'd said the right thing at the wrong time.
Carrot was frozen, mistaken into thinking he'd uncovered the truth.
"Marron... you're in love? With that ghost girl? Damn... I mean, I guess my shy little brother's gotta fall in love at some point, but that's harsh! She's gone now, you can't get her back... she WAS cute though. What was her name... Cork?"
Marron shook his head, "Niisan's only half right."
"Colk? Cora? Aork?"
"No, I mean..."
Marron froze, unable to say what he meant.
Carrot spoke softly.
"Is it to do with the ghost girl?"
Marron shook his head.
"Is it to with with love?"
A pause.
Marron nodded slightly. He spoke the word 'yes', but no sound came out.
Carrot was touched by Marron's emotion, but still mystified.
Marron repeated his earlier statement, or a variant thereof.
"You can't understand, niisan... you've not fallen in love with the wrong person."
"And you have?"
"I can't stop thinking about... that person."
Marron spoke slowly, more as if he felt that this had to be said as opposed to him wanting it said.
"... I wake up to thoughts of that person. Sleep to the same. H-they run through my dreams... I dream the most terrible dreams, niisan. The dreams I control..." he smiled sadly, "... are the worst. Hot, passionate, forbidden trysts under the stars... seeing that person's real self destroys me each day, whenever I see them I die inside, the most beautiful scene is rendered dull when they're around... niisan, it's torture. I can't feel happy anymore. I love that person too much..." Marron shook with a powerful repressed cry, "... I'm dead inside."
"You... don't mean that. If you were dead inside, you... you wouldn't be crying right now."
Carrot felt sad himself, seeing his brother so taken like that. He didn't know who it was his brother was talking about, but whoever this person was, Marron had fallen hook, like and sinker for them.
Carrot's gut reaction was 'damn, that person's lucky. Marron's obsessed', which was followed by the most important thing of all; discovering just who it was that Marron was obsessed with.
"So... you're in love."
"If love is this pain, then I suppose I am."
Marron's doom-and-gloom attitude was biting at Carrot a little.
"Marron, you talk like that, but... does the person know you like them? Have you ever spoken to them about this kinda thing? Have you spoken to them at all?"
"It's someone you know well, niisan. I've... not really spoken of this to anyone, but... I've spoken to them before."
"It's one of the girls, isn't it?"
Despite himself, Marron was surprised. He frowned, confused. "Girls?"
"Chocolat or Tira. I guess it's kinda natural, I mean, we've all been together for such a long time... Chocolat's self-assured and confident, and Tira's got that quiet innocent sweetness thing going on when she's not whipping me half to death with that whip of hers... whichever one it is, you're welcome to try, but I don't know-"
"It's not one of the girls."
"Dota?"
"... It's not Dota."
Marron turned around again, leaning both elbows against the gap in the trees. The sun was warm on his face, a contrast between the icy cold he felt on his back. His mind was racing; his brother was precariously close to finding out... it'd all started off so innocently, but Marron just had to keep making references... he closed his eyes, hurting inside. Why couldn't he have kept quiet? Keeping quiet would be another day, another month of Carrot not knowing, of Carrot running off and randomly flirting with other girls... but it was still another day and another month of life going on as per usual. Marron wasn't sure how Carrot would react if he found out, and that was what Marron was afraid of. Afraid of losing his brother in the worst possible way...
When Carrot next spoke, he sounded as if he was resigned to fate. And a little disgusted at the same time.
"It's Gateau, isn't it?"
"Niisan?"
"Well, if it's not Tira or Chocolat, then it's gotta be Gateau, hasn't it? Jeez, if it's him, I don't know what you're worried about. It's obvious enough he likes you enough, you'd just have to give the word and he'd jump into bed with you... just don't feel the need to tell me all about it, okay? If you're gay then I guess I can't really help that, and if being with Gateau makes you happy, then I guess I can't help that either. Just don't try and make me pretend to be happy with you guys being together like that, because, well, I can't. Gay guys just don't do it for me. I'd just tolerate it 'cause you're my brother."
Marron felt as if Carrot had randomly punched him in the stomach. He knew that Carrot was only stating his opinion, and he was only stating the opinion on speculation, but while he'd heard his brother yell and rant and scream (mainly when drunk) about that kind of thing, he'd never laid it out like that.
Marron said nothing for a long time, and Carrot felt a little regret.
"Hey, Marron? Did I sound too harsh? I'm sorry, it's just... I dunno, it's something I'd have to get used to, I guess." Carrot laughed a hopeful laugh, trying to get Marron to smile or speak or do anything, just so he wasn't so quiet, "... It's not like you're asking me to jump into bed with you, or Gateau, or the both of you, is it? I should just back off. If you wanna do that sorta thing with him, go ahead."
Marron just stared blankly ahead.
"... It's not like you're asking me to jump into bed with you, or Gateau, or the both of you, is it?..."
Marron could almost hear his midnight fantasies crashing down around him. He could almost physically feel them... or was that the tug of his brother on the wires around his heart? Through a haze, Marron felt like he was living some kind of nightmare. Not the big evil oh look there's a big bad monster come to eat me kind of nightmare, but... he just didn't want something like this to be happening. Maybe his brother would change his mind if he knew it wasn't Gateau that Marron liked... if Carrot knew that it was he himself that his brother pined for... would that change his mind? Might it change his mind? Marron felt something inside him falling down inside itself as thoughts, dreams and scenarios quickly played themselves out through his mind. If he said this, then Carrot had to realise! If he did that, then Carrot wouldn't mind... and of course, if he did that and said this, then it'd all turn out fine and he wouldn't have to worry anymore...
As much as anyone, Marron knew that as much as he liked to dream, he couldn't help reality. Whatever he said or however his brother reacted, he couldn't control his brother, and so he threw his dreams to the fates and hoped for the best.
"The person I love is forbidden to me..."
"Well, Gateau IS a guy, but there's still no need-"
"... forbidden to me through gender and through relation."
Carrot's eye twitched, about to frown, but wanting to keep a straight face. He walked so he was stood next to Marron, then pushed some of the bushes out of the way, last sunlight rays hitting his face too.
"The sun's warm. Gender and relation? 'Cause Gateau's a friend? Hey, as I said, all you'd have to do with him is smile at him and he'd be wagging his tail. I wouldn't worry about that."
"... It's not Gateau."
Carrot turned to look at his brother's profile.
Marron was just staring ahead and downwards a little. His hair was tucked back behind his ears, and Carrot was sure he could see the threatening shimmer of unshed tears in his brother's eyes.
Still, he was confused.
Marron wondered if Carrot'd figured it out yet. He'd literally said what he felt, all he needed to do now was lay it out in simple terms for Carrot to understand... if he needed that, of course. Had Carrot already worked it out yet? Someone they knew well. Someone who wasn't Tira, Chocolat, or Gateau. Asides from Big Mama, Dota and the rest, who else would it be?
Marron turned, looking Carrot in the eye, speaking with meaning.
"It's... not... Gateau..."
Carrot looked like he didn't know what face to have. Confusion reigned.
"Well... I mean... it's not a girl, is it?"
Marron spoke, trying to keep himself calm.
"No, niisan, it's not a girl."
"And it's not Gateau..."
"It's not."
Carrot paused for a moment, deep in thought. Who else was there?
"Oh, um... is it that... Mille Feuille? I mean... it's not like we see him SO often, but I gotta admit, for a guy, he's pretty. For a guy. I don't like him like that, I mean, I liked him until I found out he was a him... as a girl he'd be brilliant, but it's just the fact that he's not that's just freaky. I mean, c'mon... but hey, if that's what turns you on. He IS quite gorgeous. From your point of veiw. I guess. Kinda. I suppose. Like, um... yeah."
Carrot trailed off, not sure what to say. As he'd spoken, Marron's expression had melted into a kind of hopeless longing, like Carrot was missing the point by miles while standing right next to it.
He hazarded a guess.
"Is it Mille?"
Marron just shook his head.
"Niisan... j-just think about it..."
Carrot turned around, leaning against the nearest tree. His arms were folded, and he was thinking, putting the jigsaw puzzle peices together.
"There's someone you love. And it's not Tira, Chocolat or Dota. It's not a girl at all. It's a guy. It's not Gateau, and it's not Mille... it's not yourself, you'd haveta be weird to fall into obsession with yourself, and it wouldn't be me..."
Marron felt the need to interject before Carrot went off on any other tangents.
"And why wouldn't it be you?"
The sharpness in Marron's voice surprised Carrot more than the words themselves actually did. Carrot was somewhere between reassurance- though for himself or for Marron he wasn't sure- and fear. Uncertainty was there too.
"H-hey, come on... why wouldn't it be me... why would it be me? I'm your brother, that'd just be weird. You and Gateau I guess I could come to terms with eventually, and you and Mille would be beautiful enough together, but... you... and... me..."
Carrot trailed off, unable to ignore that shattered, broken, empty look in his brothers eyes. Marron was just staring at Carrot, wide-eyed, disbeliving, almost heartbroken...
Carrot realised. Marron wasn't almost heartbroken.
He WAS heartbroken.
He'd had his thoughts and fears before, but that look cemented it for him. There was someone Marron was in love with, someone Marron was obsessed with, and that... that person was Carrot.
"... it wouldn't work, Marron. You, me, we're guys, we're brothers, we're as close as any brothers you could get, I'd hope... but like that, no! Just... no!"
"I haven't even said who it is I love, niisan."
"You don't need to. Your face speaks much more than words, sometimes."
"So..." Marron idly crossed his wrists over each other, still leaning against the branches and the bushes. He seemed to have found something inherantly fascinating with the cross of his wrists, because he couldn't take his eyes off of them. "... you figured it out."
Marron stared at his arms, barely able to focus. A pounding echoed through his mind, warm panic descending around him... Carrot knew his deepest secret. Now what?
"If niisan hates me now, then-"
"Hey, Marron, I never said I hated you. I just... geez, I need time to think about this. It's kinda hard to take in, earlier on when you said about how this person was your waking thought and the last thing you thought about before you went to sleep, I thought about how lucky that person was, but... me? It's me you love? That's just... it's just..."
Again, Carrot seemed caught off guard by Marron's eyes.
Carrot sighed.
"There's no way I could hate you. No way. Even after saying I'm the person you're obsessed with, I just... I can't hate you. I guess, just for feeling that, you wouldn't really deserve that anyway. Why should I hate you for someone you think you're in love with?"
"Think? Niisan, I know! It can't be anything else, I'm in love with you!"
Marron's tears fell at that sentance, then he stopped stock still, with a sharp intake of breath. Carrot looked a little shocked, then looked away, eyes tightly closed.
Carrot didn't say anything. He just stood there, eyes closed... Marron couldn't help it. He cried.
"Niisan... say something... even if it's just to say you hate me..."
"... can't hate you." Carrot was muttering under his breath. "... otouto."
Carrot dropped to the floor, sitting against the tree he'd been leaning against. Marron looked down, and decided to sit next to him, or at least near to him. So at least they were on the same level.
"I guess... this is why you looked so sad when I was saying that stuff about Gateau... you wern't sad because I hated the idea of you and muscleman, you were sad because I hated the idea of two guys, full stop..."
"I can't change how niisan feels."
Carrot looked at Marron through the corners of his eyes.
"But you wish you could, right?"
Marron's voice was a whisper, "More than anything... if it meant that you could love me as much as I loved you."
"Otouto, I DO love you. Don't ever accuse me of not loving you! That'd be too painful, 'cause... 'cause I do love you. You're my treasured little brother, we've known each other for like, all our lives, we gotta deeper bond than most people, right?"
"Y-yes..."
"And we'll always have that bond no matter what, wether we're separated or one of us dies or wherever we are, whoever we're with, we'll always have that bond..."
Carrot's next question caught Marron a little off-guard.
"... what do you want from me?"
"Niisan?"
"You. From me. Want. What do you? I mean... as I said, we have a really close bond, I don't think anyone'd argue with that... we're brothers, so it's not like we'd ever seperate and totally lose what we had... Marron, you've got more of me now than the Misu sisters, and we all know how they're like... it doesn't matter how much they love me or say they love me or like me or want to protect me or whatever, you're my brother, so naturally I'm going to think highly of you, and always want you nearby, and... oh, I can't even explain it. Flowery speech is more your kinda thing. But I just... I don't get what it is you want from me. We know each other better than anyone else, we've known each other for so long, we've got a bond that no-one can break... what more do you want from me?"