Omigawd, another story! This one was actually typed up in under an hour, it seems like it felt like it needed to be told, and right away.

So far the plan for this is to tell out adventures through letters, in a very different form than most of my writing. Truth be told, it feels like it'll be great fun and I'm looking forwards to doing more of it.

To add quick warnings here, crazy uncanon pairings, lots of seriously taken silly stuff, incest vibes (although no actual incest) and Kamui not being remotely polite.

Hi Keiichi. Thank you for your last letter. I'll admit, I'm bad at actually keeping up with them, but I'm trying, because honestly, sometime things need to be written.

I'm sorry to hear that your cat ran away. Have you seen her anywhere around the neighborhood? Dad suggests leaving cat food out for a couple of hours or so in the evening and watching for her to see if she comes to the bowls. You probably won't see any cats for the first couple of days, but they'll be watching. He was training to become a zookeeper before he got into the family business and he still has a lot of memories of things like how to coax out animals who refuse to eat around humans, since while they're comfortable and trusting and eating, it's easier to make sure that they're doing things like taking their medicines. Also, congratulations on the new job! I hope it all goes well for you and the creepy receptionist isn't too creepy. As long as you stay on her good side, when she inevitably snaps, she probably won't kill you.

Anyway, onto the things you asked me about. I'm doing fine, no job yet even though I'd had the offers, three from families with younger children who are just starting to get a grasp on English, and one for a family that has two delinquent teens that are deliberately flunking all their classes. I think they're hoping that I'll scare them into actually doing all their work. All of them would pay decently, but they really don't feel like the right fit yet. Guess I'll have to be patient, although Mom and Dad have no complaints about me staying around where they can find me easily, since the fact that Hokuto's in college and Kotori's leaving next month for her own is stressing them out. Who would have thought that Mom would turn out to be such a nested bird? Oh well, they'll have the twins for a while and they're actually still young enough to have one more kid if they really want one. This would probably scare the crap out of me if they did though.

As for the family question, well...that's got a really long answer behind it. I hope you have a couple of hours free to read through it. Well, it probably won't take that long if I don't get too distracted, but it's still a lot of stuff.

You know those families you see on the sitcoms, the ones that are all in the yakuza or are all psycho and stuff like that? The kind that are just unreal enough that you buy it in the show, but know that it doesn't exist in reality?

Well my family's like that. Honest, goodness for real like those. No, they're not part of the yakuza gangs around, in fact, the last time that one of them tried to harass my sisters, Mom made sure that the entire group would have no ability to do that ever again. She does stuff like that. It's kind of nice to know that she wants to protect us enough that she'd kill anyone who hurts us, but it's also really fucking creepy, especially when she decides to play guess whose head is whose by decapitating every single victim and then rearranging the heads skillfully enough that it's not exactly easy to tell that they were switched.

My father was mostly chagrined by this, and told her to go wash all the blood off of her before she came into dinner. But I digress, and I should stop getting distracted. How else will you be able to properly appreciate my family's craziness if you don't know anything about them?

My mother, Setsuka, and my father, Subaru, are both assassins for hire. How my dad ever got into this line of work, I have no clue. He's about the sweetest person in the world, who happily takes time out of his day to make sure that I'm doing okay. He knows that Kotori and I are not so psycho as the others, I think, and tries to make sure that we're not too traumatized by everything that happens, although after twenty-two years of craziness, it takes a lot to freak me out.

Anyway, they're both assassins for hire, and during the peak of my dad's career, they were actually hired to kill each other. From what I can understand, it was kind of like Cupid and Psyche, Mom was about ready to stab him in his sleep, until he turned around, suddenly awake with his own knife, and I can actually understand why she stopped trying to kill him, because, (forgive the incest overtones, I'm not the one who wants to sleep with my own father, but there's no other way to describe it), he looks, and looked then too, like a god, with a perfectly shaped face, alabaster skin, ebony hair and eyes so green that you could be lost in them.

According to the exact time that this happened, I turned out to be the proof of alliance for Mom and Dad, and they never took out a hit on each other again. In fact, Mom personally went and killed the man who had hired her to kill Dad in the first place. Which I understand he found both traumatizing and romantic, because that's his craziness right there.

He's mostly retired from the assassin life, since Mom's just more mentally capable of withstanding all of the blood and horror that tends to come with the life, and he's managed to raise all five of us to be at least competent and able to handle the world. Also to handle just about anything that can be used as a weapon, but mostly in the event that someone takes a hit on us and he's not there to stop them.

So I was born straight to the day nine months after they met, and even though I have purple eyes, there's no way that I'm not my parent's child. And even though I could never be an assassin, I'm still glad I have the skills to use the weapons I do, because I have to take care of my siblings as well. Crazy sounding, since three of them are more proficient with weapons than I am, and in Seishirou's case, that's downright unfair, but it's part of being part of this family. You always take good care of each other, even when you want to strangle them for being stupid.

A year and a half after I was born, my sister Hokuto came around. She's the only girl in our family who's going into the business, and she's in college for fashion design as well. I think her plan as she described it to Mom was that if she seemed to be a harmless clothes maker by day, then she'd be less suspicious to those around her, but her actual reasoning is an assassin has to be dressed in the latest trends before stabbing, or poisoning, or bleeding, or asphyxiating, or talking to death her hits. Despite the fact that she tends to be loud and sees way more than she should, I'm actually really fond of her and she's about the only person besides Dad and Kotori who won't be attacked if she bothers me while I'm angry.

Kotori's...well she's technically adopted, but due to the circumstances behind it, I don't even consider her anything but my blood sister. When I was five and Hokuto was three and a half, a woman came and tried to kill us, probably in revenge for a hit that Mom had taken out. I can actually remember it a little, waking up because I could hear someone scrabbling at the window, and then waking up Hokuto so we could hide under my bed, because it was scary, and I had my knife at the time, and then- everything breaks up a little bit, but I remember golden curls and wild eyes and how she threw knives so deep into my bed that the tip of one of them cut my cheek open, and then Dad, angry like I've never seen him before, with a wakizashi that I only ever saw then, (and I'm good at snooping through his stuff), and he actually beheaded her so that her bright hair was spinning drops of blood onto Hokuto, who had started to cry from terror. Then he coaxed us out from under my bed and we spent the next two months sleeping in Mom and Dad's bed instead of our own room.

Anyway, the next morning, while Hokuto was still asleep, he did some research into her and discovered that she was a low-ranking assassin whose wife had been killed by another assassin who Mom later killed because that assassin (see, this life gets complicated in a hurry) was threatening to hunt down Subaru, and although he didn't know of us, it's quite certain that we wouldn't have been allowed to live if he'd known of our existence, and, being the kind of terrifying mother that she is, she killed him and made an example out of him on the Tokyo Tower, where she wrote in bright red paint that any assassin who made the same mistakes he did would receive the same punishment.

Going back into the Dad doing research on her thing, he discovered that she'd had a daughter out of wedlock, who was about eight months old. Promptly realizing that he'd now left that little girl orphaned and alone, he took us with him to her house, which I recall as being pretty ramshackle, but Dad says it was actually a pretty nice house, so I'm not certain, then went inside, and within five minutes, brought out a little girl (who I thought was younger than she was because she was so tiny) with the beginnings of her own golden curls and who was cooing happily at the man who was basically talking almost nonsense at her.

So Kotori was adopted in, and I decided that since she was now the baby of our family, and tiny as anything (even Mom thought she was tiny, and well, Mom barely scratches five feet in high heels), that it was up to me and Hokuto to protect her from everything. And she doesn't remember her mother at all. Dad's told her that she was adopted when she was a baby, but she's been so happy here, and since he said that her mother died, she's never felt a lack of being wanted in this household. Which is good, because at the worst of times, she keeps me sane. She's going to go to an art college this spring, and while I'm happy that she'll be able to pursue a life that will make her happy, I'm also really worried because I won't be there to protect her from creepers. And she's so tiny and pretty that they will bother her. Which worries me even more.

The last two are actually significantly younger than us, and that's cause Mom and Dad decided that three children was probably enough since Dad was doing all of the caring for us as it is, and so they weren't expected.

There was a period of time where Mom went missing when I was nine, and missing long enough for no reason that Dad kind of freaked out, putting every available resource he had into finding her. I started to take on some of the job of being the parent, and so Kotori was being silly about how she had two moms and two dads because Hokuto and I were determined to make sure that she was okay while everything crazy was happening. Eventually, he discovered that she'd secretly taken on a really hard job overseas, and spent another month angsting and worrying about it because while her dying while on the mission was a risk, him interfering would make it a certainty, and when she contacted him after seven months of nothing, I swear he almost fainted from relief. He's really not cut out to be an assassin or an assassin's husband, I'm pretty sure he's given himself ulcers from all the stress already, and Seishirou's not making it any easier on him.

So Mom comes home, and needless to say, they're pretty happy to see each other, if you pardon the entendre, I really don't want to go into more detail because I like what little sanity I have left, and eight months after that, I have two little brothers.

Fuuma, he'd be more annoying if he wasn't such a dork at heart. He likes to try and tease me about being such a stick in the mud, but it's kind of hard for him to succeed when I can honestly tell him things like that I changed his diapers and that when I was twelve and he was two, he was always asking for me to pick him up and carry him around because I was his favorite sibling. Despite him being equal parts teasing jerk and silly dork, I actually do love him and I'll still take care of him when he needs it, although he's gotten a little more defensive of it as he's gotten into middle school. I don't entirely blame him because it probably is a little embarrassing to him to have three devoted older siblings, two of which have threatened to personally kill some of the kids bullying him, (in my defense, I really don't take it well when anyone pushes around my siblings. Sue me, but it's my job to keep them safe), so I don't get too overbearing on him when it's the wrong time. Kotori's good at soothing those flames, and since she can do that, I can spend more time giving myself ulcers over Fuuma's twin.

Seishirou is the baby of the family, being the younger of the twins, and is completely attached to Dad in ways that are going to cause them problems any day now. He's actually gotten the most assassin talent from both of them, and he's incredibly gifted in looks as well, so he's got the advantage there. But he's obnoxious. Hokuto's better at putting up with him than I am, because often when it's just the two of us, things tend to blow up like a barrel of flour, but even she admits that he has quite the attitude. Now some of it's probably from being the baby of the family, and knowing it because, well, he's the youngest and has always been a little spoiled, but somehow, he's got Dad and Mom wrapped around his pinky finger to an extent, and he's used to getting his way for the most part.

I don't appreciate the attitude that I get from him about this, and there's been more than once where we've ended up throwing sharp objects at each other because of it. Sue me, I can't actually get along with him. Of course, if push came to shove, I'd still protect him because he's my little brother, but damn he can be an asshole. And he's only twelve, I'm terrified of what will happen when he starts going through puberty. Needless to say, it'll be crazier than usual around her.

Now I could leave, I could move out. I got my degree in teaching English, and I've received several offers (mentioned above) from different families looking for an English tutor and bodyguard in one, but I haven't accepted any yet. Despite the fact that it might kill me here, I don't want to leave until I'm certain that all of my siblings are safe and happy. Even Seishirou.

So that's my family, crazy though they all are. And somehow, it works. We haven't killed each other yet, there's an undeniable bond even when we're considering killing each other from the amount of headaches we give each other, and- well I'm going to have to stop writing here because I think I can hear Seishirou possibly blowing something up in the kitchen. Third time this week too. He should just admit that he can't cook and let himself reheat food in the microwave.

Until next time,

Sakurazuka Kamui.