Remember

Warning: Spoilers for season six through ep. 7, "Family Matters".

This one-shot pretty much came outta nowhere and I couldn't focus on anything else until I could write it. Just my thoughts as to Sam's perspective on his return from the Cage and how he's managed to mostly act like the Sam we all know and love without having any emotions or his moral compass to guide him anymore.

Sam remembers everything.

All of his memories are intact, as are the facts he's memorized about all things supernatural. He remembers people, faces, places, physical sensations and emotions. He remembers Castiel, Bobby, his father, Dean.

But Sam's different.

When he first woke up in the middle of Stull Cemetary, he felt nothing but the aching of his body and the racing of his heart. There was no fear, no confusion, nothing. Sam had no idea how he was supposed to feel about everything that had happened, no ideas as to why he wasn't in Lucifer's cage.

He didn't know what to do, but it seemed the only reaction he could muster was to find Dean. But when he saw that Dean had kept his promise, Sam decided to leave him alone. He didn't need to know that Sam was back, not when Sam was different. Dean was finished with Hunting. Sam could never stop.

He remembers how to act like Sam, talk like Sam. But when he looks in the mirror to shave, he always notes the lack of emotions in his eyes. He remembers the emotions that used to fill them, but it's something he can't imitate. But that's fine, because Bobby never looks closely enough and the Campbells don't know the old Sam to see it.

Sam knows he's different. The old Sam could connect with others emotionally. Now, when a female starts crying, Sam doesn't know how to make the soothing words sound authentic enough, doesn't want to initiate touches that can no longer be gentle or compassionate, so he offers tissues. Crying doesn't make him uncomfortable, but it doesn't do anything for him, either, so he always concludes his interviews as quickly as possible and focuses on the facts.

Over time, Sam leans to act like he has emotions, studies his own memories and other people until he figures it out for himself. The Campbells don't notice and he limits his contact with Bobby enough so that the old Hunter won't discover it. Still, he thinks his grandfather, Samuel notices something by the way he talks sometimes, or the looks he gives him when Sam volunteers to go to a mission that makes the other Hunter's nervous to even attempt. He decides that his inability to feel anything makes him a better Hunter because he's saving more lives and stopping more things than he ever did before. He knows there's something wrong with him, knows that he probably needs help, but no one's dying because of him, so he just keeps going forward, never looking back, because there's nothing else an emotionless human can do.

Then Dean discovers he's alive and it all changes.

Sam talks about Dean a lot, remembers how much he loved his brother and thought the world of him, even when the world was coming to an end. He remembers that it was Dean who saved him so he could save everyone else and sacrifice his life. The Campbells know he loves his brother, or did since he can't feel anything like that anymore, so they know when the D'jinn nearly kills him and he says they have to save Dean, that he means it.

Does Sam mean anything? Or is it merely the logic he retains based on the memories he has of the days before the Apocalypse?

Sam remembers the Cage, remembers the pain and fear he experienced down there before finding himself back on Earth again. He tells Dean he doesn't want to think about Hell when he can experience life again, but that's not the exact truth, is it? Sam thinks about the emotions he used to feel on occasion, but he can't connect with them, so there's no point in talking about them, let alone Hell.

When Dean hits the road to work with him again, Sam knows he needs to step up his acting so Dean doesn't discover that he can't feel, that he never sleeps and rarely eats more than once a day. He doesn't stop working out, because he needs to stay in perfect shape so he can continue being the perfect Hunter.

It isn't until they take on the Goddess of Truth that Sam learns he's not as good an actor as he thought he was. Dean is far more observant than Sam remembers, so he finally tells the truth, because he knows that works better with Dean than saying nothing and getting knifed for it.

Then Dean beats him into unconsciousness, clearly beyond angry. Sam hasn't been unconscious for a year, so the sensation of waking up feels strange. He hasn't experienced it since before saying "Yes" to Lucifer in Detroit.

Dean is still angry when Sam wakes up, tied to a chair, and Castiel starts examining him. Sam remembers that this is Dean's usual response whenever he discovers that Sam's been lying to him. Which he's done nothing but lie over the last year, so that accounts for the harsh words and broken nose.

Even when he admits that he can't feel and doesn't sleep anymore, Sam finds he has spent so much time trying to act like himself that that he's unable to stop the show or drop the mask entirely. The muscles on his face move the way they should out of habit now. Then Castiel is shoving his belt into his mouth and telling him to go a soothing place in his mind.

There's nothing soothing to go to in his mind because Sam can't feel anything like that, which only leaves the physical pain as Castiel literally sticks his hand inside of Sam. His teeth clench into the leather of the belt as he screams in pain. Finally, it's over and Sam's left gasping for breath as he deals with the pain the only way he knows how to anymore.

He simply rides it out.

"You find anything?" Dean's asking, and Castiel tell him he didn't, but that it's not a good thing.

"It's his soul," he tells Dean. "It's gone."

Dean stares at Castiel, and Sam can tell he's shocked, scared, unable to believe it. Then he and the angel turn to stare at him.

Sam thought he remembered everything, but maybe he was wrong. He'd remember something like that, wouldn't he? Still, it does explain the lack of emotions, if not how he got out with everything except the most important piece of who he was.

Sam's out of the Cage, but Sam, Dean's little brother, he's not. Sam remembers what Dean was like when Castiel saved him from Hell. He remembers that it was 40 years down there, 10 of which Dean spent torturing others to escape torture himself. Sam isn't entirely sure how long he was down there, but it's been over a year and his soul still hasn't escaped, might never escape. He knows he should be distraught by the news, or angry or something, but he doesn't know how to be. All he knows is that whether or not Dean trusts him, he's not going to sit around on his ass and wait for a solution to just come along. He remembers his life, knows that solutions don't pop out of thin air. And Dean won't stop him, keep him tied up or locked away, either. He tells Dean this, and his brother finally agrees, though he tells him that he'll be watching his every move.

"Sounds about right to me," Sam replies.

When Sam and Dean find out that Crowley the demon resurrected his body and can give him his soul back, Sam knows he'll do whatever it takes to get it back. And when Dean sounds uncertain, Sam does the only thing he can and tells him that they should go along with the demon's orders for now until they can find some other way to save his soul. Sam doesn't know if Dean's wiling to do whatever he has to so Sam can get his soul back, but he knows he will. He'll let his soul worry about the lack of a moral compass and emotional instinct when it's returned to him later.

Sam remembers everything and feels nothing. And somehow, he knows it isn't right, won't be right until he gets his soul back.

END