A/N: Mainly Nate/Serena because I love them. (LOL JOSH SERIOUSLY DS AGAIN? AGAIN?) I have learned something about myself when writing this and it's that I can't be a masochist when it comes to these two – they were my first ship during the books before LP and OTH came along, before Meredith and Derek came along from Grey's. This doesn't take any events of the finale (okay I used one line from Waldorf) but you can assume Dorota had her baby. :D And I'm bringing V back into the picture as well. Title courtesy of The Cure.
Maybe Someday
I'll see you smile as you call my name
Start to feel, and it feels the same
And I know that maybe someday's come
Maybe someday's come...
There is simply no valid explanation for waking up next to Dan Humphrey in his Brooklyn loft, so heartbreakingly far away from her home.
The recollection plays in her mind before she decides to wake up and alert Dan. White wine, a Van der Woodsen-Humphrey kiss in a drunken, beyond confused state only reinforces that nagging fear that has always been tugging at her heart; she is her mother's daughter, and if she isn't careful twenty years from now she will be her mother - with no distinction whatsoever.
And she loves her mother dearly, whatever she does – but it's a fear nonetheless.
If anything is to be said for it, she has missed him this year. He was her first love (she thinks – thirteen years old and wanting your best friend's boyfriend doesn't count) and he has always had that sensitivity about him, and he's matured this year beyond his usually judgemental stances on the situations she finds herself in. The thought of that being down to Vanessa unnerves her, and that's when the weight settles upon her.
She cheated on her boyfriend. Not the latest boy worshipping her, not Dan Humphrey nor Carter Baizen but Nate Archibald, the one guy she knows wouldn't contemplate doing that to her.
And they try to dismiss it. They try to downplay it. They try to diminish it.
But when she drags herself out of Dan's door after that awkward half-kiss-half-hug they share, the weight she feels begins to crush her just a little bit more; the pain dulls but she'll learn that it never fades away completely.
It resembles the state of her emotions when she was sixteen and she'd just betrayed the brunette girl most important to her, and now she has betrayed her most important blonde boy and there's no repairing it all now. The type of weight that crushes you a bit more each day, something Serena has never had to cope with, and she knows from this day on she won't be able to shift it, can't say sorry and have a second second chance.
She looks into her reflection and sees years of maturing, years of supposed learning been erased by one night.
This is what she wants to see in those tumultuous blue eyes: she wants to see something broken, herself fragile and in regards to her father, she so very is, wants to see herself needing to be 'saved' and Dan rescued her for a night and maybe that's okay. The question is; from what? Serena has more intelligence than most like to acknowledge, and truthfully she knew her dad would leave, some way, some how (she's inherited that habit from both of them, she realises.) There are those who are destined for the fairytale (Blair) and those who, no matter how much they may want it, just can't obtain that. (Herself, Chuck.)
And she scans over her issues for a few reflective seconds because that's all she'll allow before running from them again, and she compares and contrasts. Chuck and Blair have both suffered something irreparable, maybe losing each other forever because of Waldorf's pride and Chuck's darkest deed; Jenny is literally on a crazy downward spiral, and Vanessa and Nate have been betrayed by their boyfriend and girlfriend.
This daughter has daddy issues; but in these moments they become very trivial.
The real reason: Because Dan was afraid of the distance separating him and Vanessa (having been separated once, it makes sense that Serena is once again the girl he tries to get over his best friend with) and Serena has always been so utterly terrified of what she has with Nate, since their first kiss at the tender age of twelve she always had a deep-seeded fear of losing him, so instead of losing him she'll push him away. And sometimes, it's just easier to fall into familiar patterns than fight for what is so terrifyingly real.
The real problem: Nate Archibald always comes back, whether he's waiting for her out side of the Palace, kissing her just because during the summer or waiting in her apartment, ready to be with her when she heals.
She doesn't want to be seventeen about this, about Nate, he doesn't deserve that.
She has to tell him.
Serena doesn't even get to tell anyone, not even Blair, because Jenny has made it a point to tell everyone she cares about anyway.
She walks in, seeing Nate on the couch and she knows from his face that it's over. Everything about his expression seems to imply that he abhors her, his dream girl, the girl he knows better than anyone else has hurt him beyond repair and it stops her breathing for a few seconds.
"I am sorry, Nate." She says mutedly. She thinks she's going to cry, knows that whatever is left of her resolve will crack within the next minute, but she's not the one who gets to be hurt by it all. "He was just there."
"I'm sorry too," he says standing up, "I'm sorry that you felt you had to revert to Dan and tell him everything when I have made it clear that you can count on me – always."
She nods and feels one tear rapidly slide down her cheek. Neither of them knows why, but they end up in each other's arms, embracing one another, he wants to be angry, she wants to acknowledge that she doesn't deserve his comfort right now, his arms wrapped around her securely, warm. What she can't comprehend is that how she could ever risk losing this.
"It was one kiss, we were drunk..." she trails off because there's nothing adequate that can escape her lips right now – Nate is taken aback and his eyes tell her all she has to know. "It didn't go any further. It meant nothing."
"One kiss is not nothing."
Nate lets go of Serena for the first time, and it severs them not merely in the physical sense. His blue eyes don't meld into hers anymore, they're frozen and furious and it's only then when Serena feels the full magnitude of this guilt, the type of guilt that has only hit her once before.
His words resonate inside her head and of course he'd say that, because once upon a time Serena had her one night with him and it meant everything.
Then, she was sixteen. Then, Nate and Blair held her so highly – everyone who was in her life did. Then, their worlds revolved around Serena, planets orbiting the sun; but it wasn't mutual because Serena only cared for Nate and Blair.
She wants to conjure a reply but she can't.
As much as she feels that Dan was such an important part of her life, she can't keep going in this high-school cycle of boys.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
Nate turns his back and runs a hand through his hair. His voice shakes when he says "Me too," and he kisses her forehead fleetingly before leaving.
She's lost all her boys before; Dan and Carter. With them, she could always have them back, Dan would give into his first muse and Carter would give into the first girl that would make him stay, but how typical and appropriate that when it's Nate that she loses, she really loses him and it's like she's lost the love of her life.
"Nate and Serena, it's mythic. You don't mess with that and survive."
From the inception of the latest love triangle, this time with Serena at the centre, Blair couldn't make her allegiance any clearer, and considering she considers herself Serena's real knight-in-shining-Chanel, she makes it a point to not only give Jenny Humphrey two smack-downs, but Serena one herself.
"S." She states, looking and seeing straight through her, the way she always has.
They've retreated into Blair's bedroom and they aren't sure why, but there's nowhere to go. The ultimate insiders are on the periphery of their own lives.
"Jenny's crazy," Serena offers in reply.
"That she is. And I really want to believe that you and cabbage patch are not retreating into some story he wants but doesn't really exist, but I know you, Serena."
The look Serena gives Blair concedes everything and she nods slowly.
"I told Nate." She says.
"That's a start. Listen, S," Blair says in a sombre, serious manner, "Chuck and I are beyond another try. I wish that wasn't the case," she admits, "but it is. It's over. You and Nate still hold so much promise."
"He doesn't see me the same way, Blair. The way Nate used to look at me before this was...perfect. Like it didn't matter what I did or anything, that he'd always love me and he doesn't have that anymore. It's not something you can get back."
"Easily. It's not something you can get back easily, but it can..."
Blair flips open her laptop, refreshes the Gossip Girl blast page.
"B?" The blonde prompts, waiting for some of that wise Waldorf insight.
The spark in Blair's eyes fizzles out and she gives the laptop to Serena.
Spotted: N and V reuniting to add another corner to this twisted love triangle to make it a bona-fide quadrangle. Can't say I approve of the golden couple being tainted by their brunette Brooklynites counterparts, but with B and C broken up and boring us lately this should provide us with some sizzling summer drama...
That's when Serena stops reading. She wants to hate Nate for this, but she can't. It's been two days since they've broken up and she knows it's a deliberate bid for Nate and Vanessa to make her and Dan hurt just a bit more, and it works so well.
"Foolish boy." Blair says, throwing a hair-band hard at Serena's shoulder "God, you're both so idiotic with your flippy blonde hair –
"Blair...can we go somewhere? Just anywhere?"
Blair nods decisively, "S, it's absurd that we aren't in Europe already."
They go to Paris, ironically and whenever boys hit on them they pretend to be a couple.
They have no concept what it is they're doing, wandering about aimlessly. It's exhausting flirting with guys that you don't want to know. Still, they needed out of the city, the country to breathe for a while.
"It doesn't go away because we're in Paris," Serena states for no real reason. Blair's head is on the taller girl's shoulders and it's reminiscent of their prom and she sighs. "Chuck still adores you. You know that. Nate won't look at me when we go home."
"Chuck adores his hedonistic cycle, being dark and tortured and then miraculously winning me back," Blair says sternly, "I meant it when I said I'm over the games, at least with him. There's no winning involved."
No winning for anyone, Blair finds when Chuck has been shot. Her first instinct is of course, as Serena knows fine well, to go to Prague and be right there with him, but right now Blair faces a more pivotal choice than that she had when she was eighteen. Then, it Chuck's choice; three words, eight letters, say it and I'm yours, but now Blair has to choose herself as an individual, or as part of couple.
When you're nineteen, Blair reasons internally, it's yourself first, whatever the sacrifice.
And yet, her advice to Serena is completely contrary to that.
"I don't understand you two," Blair begins as they bask in the sun, "No actually, I do. I understand perfectly. S, Nate was the first who loved you for you. The messed-up imperfect Serena that disappointed Humphrey time and time again, you understand?"
Serena tilts her head, eyebrow raised. "And Chuck was the first to truly appreciate you –
"And truly discard me for a hotel. Serena, I can't, as your bestie, let you crash in another Van der Humphrey train-wreck á la two thousand and eight. No."
"And for the record," there it is. That smooth tone tinted with an all too familiar darkness (although its former arrogance can't be detected), "I can't approve of this either, considering you two are still...somewhat related, am I wrong?"
Blair resists the urge to remove her Chanel sunglasses. Everything, including her escape had been rendered useless by stupid Chuck Bass and his stupid inherited fortune – more than anyone could ever hope to spend, even if Blair relished the fact that a lot of time, it was spent on her. Their relationship had consisted of the type of fights that resulted in a lot of treats in their 'lets-make-up' ritual; diamonds, scotch, sex.
Serena expects the typical Bass cocky smirk to spread across his face.
It doesn't.
Serena expects some jibe concerning 'Nathaniel.'
He doesn't so much as mutter another word.
Serena expects, even with Blair's frequent dismissals, her and Chuck to somehow rectify their forever. Somehow.
It doesn't dawn upon her that it should've started with distancing themselves from the damn Humphreys.
Serena doesn't plan, however, and in quintessential style 'distancing' somehow brings Dan Humphrey to Harold and Roman's chateau.
"How did you get here?" Blair demands by way of greeting, her expression terrifying Dan. "Skank." She adds with contempt.
"That was my sister...who wasn't entirely to blame, might I add," he challenges – but every challenge to Blair post-break-up is feeble these days.
"Still the skank who wormed his way, a lot like his skank sister, in between a rightful couple." She describes with mock niceness. It feels a lot like they're seventeen again, in this moment, and Dan has just shown up uninvited to brunch.
Serena would tell her to Shut-up, B, but what she's saying is true, right, even if she was being devastating and brutal with it; as if Blair could be anything else.
"Dan what are you doing here?" She asks breathily. Her statement is delivered with more disappointment than she should allow, but Serena does whatever she does. Consequence was tossed in the air a long time ago; a habit that began when she was sixteen at an empty bar with the one boy who told her that it's alright not to plan, to shred the restraining script Blair had devised for the four of them.
The buoyant, hopeful expression on his face slides away, "I...came here for you."
Silence settles between the three.
And if anyone was going to smash it...
"After three years and three chances with Serena, you think you're Serena's knight in shining target? Still? Depart, Humphrey before I feel like giving you a smack-down just like I did your sister."
"That wasn't a smack-down in itself?"
Blair's eyes narrow somewhat playfully. Still, she's aware that Nate will always love Serena, and her banter with Dan doesn't sugar-coat that fact.
"B -"
"It's okay I'll leave." Serena can't help but feel a fresh sense of guilt at his embarrassment. Blair rises and clutches her friend's arm before the blonde crosses the threshold.
"S." Her steely expression softens. "This is your choice -"
"Nate isn't here, Blair -"
"We left." She reminds her. Of course; Serena's immersed in the righthererightnow, always in the air and Blair's her solid ground of reality.
Serena stops, sighs with exasperation and sits down again. She's tired, exhausted on her summer. Her season, when she was so much more vibrant, even more so than usual.
Her and Nate's signature season, they always shared it even if it was unintended.
It's what pains her more so after their break-up. Honestly, she didn't feel she ever would have a real chance with Nate, because he was always someone else's, and so very hers at the same time.
It's the first summer she's spending without him, without any form of communication whatsoever.
"Nate's at home." Blair says, waiting on you, and you know it.
"And according to Chuck –
"You take his word over mine?" The brunette asks in disbelief.
Serena cocks her head to the side, lets Blair know that of course not, but she's always had this strange, silent affinity with Chuck, a relationship she can't really define. He's the friend that mirrors her the most.
"Chuck knows Nate." Serena replies seriously.
"And I know you." Blair says sternly, sympathetically, "And I know if you walk after Humphrey, right now your choice is made. And I understand," she continues, "that it would be easier for you, because Humphrey's here but distance only serves to prove how much Nate Archibald loves you. I've seen that before, S. Fighting for him will be hard," and that's when the truth Blair has always been afraid of appears again, "but it'll be worth it. It always is."
Serena doesn't know how to reply to that. Doesn't know how to fight for the four of them anymore; they weren't accustomed to doing so, they were always in one another's lives anyhow, something they took for granted. She wants to say I'll fight if you fight, B.
She doesn't know if the four of them can recover friendship, let alone romantic relationships. It's one of the few scenarios in which Serena desires, needs, certainty. And she can't find it anywhere, not even in Blair.
When she's afraid, she runs. Blair knows this. So it's just not that surprising when Serena runs to Dan and chooses to hide with him.
She runs literally, into Dan's arms.
It starts feeling wrong at that very moment. She doesn't know why. Nate has done anything to contact her. She shouldn't care.
"I'm sorry," she says and it feels like their relationship hasn't really shifted at all; still apologising to him for who her family is, who her dearest friends are; apologising for who she is.
Dan wipes away a tear from her cheek and kisses her softly, a kiss that asks if this, them again, is okay.
It's so very not. There are their parents. There's Nate and Vanessa, and according to Gossip Girl there's a Nate with Vanessa.
And she's jealous. Serena van der Woodsen; jealous and a bit bitter.
She hopes Dan is a little bit jealous of Nate and she doesn't know why.
"You came to Paris for me," she says, her arms around his neck, he smiles boyishly.
"I hope I didn't cause too much trouble –
She silences him with a kiss. Here, it's not trouble at all. They've reunited during summer before.
We all know what happens when they go home again.
Somewhere along their walk in Harold and Roman's vineyard, Serena tells him to leave.
He takes her hand after she asks and he feels completely foolish; if the boy who has showered affection and understanding on her since she could walk couldn't capture her, how could Dan, lonely boy from Brooklyn with big dreams and big differences from their world (that he's tried so hard to immerse himself in), capture her?
"Dan," she bites her lip, "I just got out of something...huge with Nate."
He nods, "You and Nate were huge?"
"I've loved him since...always. I've always loved him."
"Even when we were together?" He asks, disbelief lining his tone. She just nods. They both know there's never been a time when she hasn't loved him; it's that simple.
"And I know what you had with Vanessa was too."
"She's my best friend."
"And you're in Paris." She reaches out and puts her hand on his arm. "Go home and make things right with her."
"Why don't we go home together? Tell them about us, together?" His brown eyes glow warmly with expectancy. She doesn't know if she could fulfil that, she never has, not when she was seventeen and she considered this boy her first love, and certainly not now.
"I'm not leaving Blair, Dan." Her hand drops.
At the back of his mind, he knows she will never completely leave Nate, either.
"What happens when you come home, Serena?"
"Well, there is Nate," she begins to his dismay, "but there's also another guy waiting for me in the Palace too. And we date for a while and we -"
He grins infectiously and kisses her fleetingly, wonders if they've been brought kind of full circle to repeat the cycle or alter the course this time around.
Blair, who speaks French impeccably is on a date that night, when Chuck texts Serena, asking if she wants drinks.
She wants to refuse, but she could use a talk with someone who really knows her enough to understand what she's doing, even when she doesn't.
His car arrives and she slides beside him on the leather. This isn't the dishevelled, already-drunk Chuck she had been expecting, but apparently none of their expectations really matter anymore.
"So Brooklyn's here...but not with you?" Is his first question; his tone has changed almost beyond recognition. They've come a long way since the days when Serena would simply bounce up to the latest penthouse where he was living for the moment and demand that they go out, because Blair and Nate were too busy kissing and watching movies and being 'perfect.'
"Told him to go home," she says, as though they didn't happen today, "You didn't think I'd drag him with me to subject him to a night of whatever this is."
"You're putting another guy over him already," Chuck smirks and if he weren't so attractive, it would be slimy, "There's our girl."
"You said you wanted to talk, Chuck."
He nods once, slowly.
"How is she?" His voice is strained.
"You're asking me?"
"And I'm presuming you have absolutely no questions about Nathaniel?"
The spark in her blue eyes fizzles out, just when she was regaining some of her playful, charming demeanour.
"Since you asked, he's having a lot of fun with my little black book," Chuck informs her pointing to a not-so-subtle love bite on Serena's neck, "And you've clearly been having fun with someone who wishes he could write one."
"So I'm here to comfort you because apparently Nate and I are as doomed as you and Blair?" Serena asks, knowing the answer already.
He grins, and it's warm. "And I'm here to comfort you because Blair and I are as doomed you and Nate."
They can't help but laugh at the ridiculous situation their respective romances have ended up in. She lets her head fall on his shoulder and he rubs her arm in comfort, "Sorry to be the one to tell you, sis."
"It's okay. We're going to be okay. That's the first time I've laughed in weeks, you know that?"
You need to come to Paris now because you're losing S to cabbage patch all over again. – B xo
Nate knows it's definitely a Blair text because one, it's grammatically correct and two, it's demanding something.
It's blunt, and it should compel him to go right then. Hiding out with Vanessa is easier; they're not a couple. Their excuse is let's-have-summer-fling-to-get-over-our-great-loves and it's not like Dan or Serena can begrudge them at this point.
He would leave right now, but it's simply not up to him to do any chasing this time around.
(She always comes home again anyway.)
And this time, at least he'll know if her true home is within him. His head is clouded with alcohol; but there's a nagging voice that says of course it is.
He's done with Dan when Vanessa tells him to read the latest Gossip Girl post the next day.
"We should go over there," Vanessa suggests, tone uncertain.
Nate sighs and frowns, runs a hand through his hair the way he always does when he's anxious.
"If you still love Dan..." Nate trails off, just as uncertain after all.
"I love Dan," she confirms, "and Nate you been so good to me this summer but we already know how we end." She says, half amused.
He nods. "I love Serena. I just don't understand how it gets to this point," he suddenly becomes very sad, lets himself perhaps express the emotion he was too busy pouring in a glass or hoping he'd somehow stop loving Serena in the middle of sex with one of Chuck's girls or hooking up with Vanessa, but there's nothing. "I wait years to finally get my chance with this girl and she ends up with Humphrey. And he's always viewed me as the privileged one."
Vanessa feels the purest sense of sympathy for him. "Yeah well," she looks down to the ground, "Apparently the allurement of the van der Woodsen is enough to make you want to betray your best friend. You know he could have told me and it would have been devastating but at least it would have been honest."
But that's Serena. They already know that it happens like this; she runs away; he misses her; she comes home; he forgives her because having her back in your life is like falling asleep again and dreaming of gold, brings him a sense of peace few could grasp the concept of.
Blair waits for Serena in the early hours of the morning, expects her and Humphrey to tumble out of a car giddy and drunk on love. She does not expect her temper to rise when it's Chuck opening the door of a limousine and they hug drunkenly, Serena's sharp laughter piercing the silence and Chuck looking smug as usual.
She raises an eyebrow and Serena's evidently shocked that Blair's here – though of course she'd be home earlier than Serena who probably shouldn't have been coming back to the chateau at all.
"I know you still think of him as your brother, but just remember that I was your sister first."
"Blair, I'm sorry I didn't tell you Chuck and I were talking." She replies softly as Blair struts into her bedroom (their room, really, considering Serena slept there every night when Blair let a few tears escape.)
"Talking, right, because you and Bass have always been ones for epic heart-to-hearts? Firstly, you reek of smoke and booze and Bass, secondly, if you need to talk I'm right here and lastly, he slept with Jenny Humphrey. You don't get to sympathise with him."
"Blair he was nearly killed."
She flinches at the word and slams the door shut.
Serena slides down against Blair's door and stays there. "Blair?" She ventures. "I am sorry."
"Nate never slept with a Humphrey and he's perfectly alive last time I checked in with him." a muffled voice says. "And I know he's not here like Cabbage patch, but that's only because he's hurt."
"And Chuck and I are the only ones doing the hurting?" The questions rhetorical initially, until Serena realises the answer.
She feels the door against her crack open.
"You relate to him." It's not a question as much as an answer.
The blonde nods. "In that twisted way we have, sure."
"Thought you'd be with Humphrey tonight."
"I told him to leave." Serena says, drawing a deep breath.
"I approve." Blair replies.
"I just need space."
"Enough space to realise that there's only one boy you should be going home for?" Blair prompts lightly.
Serena shakes her head.
"Only enough space to make you realise that Chuck is beyond the point of devastation, B."
Blair lands on her bed, stares at the ceiling and feels Serena crawl in beside her.
"It's not enough, S."
There's a lingering feeling that someday, it could be.
Her head is dozing on Blair's shoulder when the XX play on her ipod; So don't think I'm pushing you away, when you're the one that I've kept closest, and she jolts upwards, unnerving Blair.
"S?" Blair asks suspiciously.
"M'okay. It was nothing."
Serena's calm composure never fazes Blair. She takes her hand. "You are," she reminds her softly, "you're going to be okay."
It takes the best part of a decade of running away and coming home again to make her realise that if she doesn't make a move now, she will always be sixteen at boarding school removed from her rightful world and she will always be missing Nate Archibald.
It takes a gossip girl sighting of Chuck with some red-head to invoke pure jealousy within Blair and remind her of that undisputable fact; she will always be in love with Chuck Bass.
She slams her laptop shut; thinks about doing the same with her heart.
Blair knows Serena should be the only one to discuss this with, but they've discussed it for most of the summer, and Serena clearly sides with Chuck at the heart of it all, because Serena understands what it is to break hearts, not have hers broken. Blair tries not to be bitter about that.
She tries not to be bitter about retreading the steps to the Humphrey loft, either.
She's grateful she doesn't have to explain her presence to his dad; Dan answers and he's clearly bewildered.
"How did you get here...skank?" He teases. Blair gives his attempt a jibe the eye roll it deserves.
"I need advice from someone who isn't close to me," Blair begins as Dan gestures for her to come in. "Someone with an impartial view...I hope."
"I would be Blair but you haven't been all that neutral with me." He says, straightforward.
"I know, but I've always been on Nate's side. You know that. And as his friend...I thought you would have been too, frankly."
He hands her a mug of coffee and she accepts.
"Is docu-girl home?"
"She's home, she just won't talk to me." He replies.
"You know it's not up to her to do any talking," Blair says, and she can hardly believe she's siding with Vanessa over something, "Dan, what I'm about to say, you won't like or want to hear."
"As if that's ever stopped you before, Waldorf." They both smile.
She's sure she doesn't really want to hear what she has to say right now either; she's hoping everyone can use some Waldorf wisdom.
"Three years ago I maintained that I was going to end up marrying Nate," she begins, swallowing hard, "Even when I knew he wasn't entirely mines – Serena and I, we shared him. And I could see it all the time; they were right there in front of me when I was dreaming of a townhouse with our two kids, a boy and a girl and I wore the ruby red ring from tiffany's he gave me like it was the van der Bilt diamond. When Chuck and I got together without really getting together I stopped dreaming of what could have been because I already had something so special, you know? It was like you told me, Humphrey; rick it all and have everything or end up with nothing."
"What's your point here Blair?" He demands, agitated.
"My point is that Serena looks good in your story. She looks good in everyone's story. And if you want to pursue something with her, fine. But I can't let you two happen again without reminding you of how terrible you were together. Maybe terrible is the wrong word. Maybe it's comfortable."
"And what's wrong with being comfortable?"
"You're a writer, Humphrey. Being comfortable is not being in love." She concludes. "She looks good in your story, but she hasn't always been a part of it. Not like the girl I think always has been."
He doesn't feel rage building inside of him; knows that he should be telling Blair to get the fuck out, but she's right. Blair Waldorf is really, always right, at the heart of it all.
"Just be aware that if you two do happen again...you'll always be sharing her with Nate." Blair shows herself out, leaves Dan to a harsh silence.
He does not know if he's willing to share her. Maybe he is.
He knows he couldn't contemplate sharing Vanessa.
About two hours after Blair struts out of the Humphrey loft, Serena struts in.
"Hey." She smiles awkwardly. They hug; still awkward.
"This feels a lot like the beginning of our...twentieth break-up." He says with understanding, "Although I'm not sure what it is we're ending right now."
She stands in the exact same spot when she told him you and I were forever, I know I was right. The expression in her eyes revokes that statement.
"I'm not in love with you Dan." She says softly. "And ultimately I know you're not in love me either. It was just easier to lose ourselves for a while when we couldn't talk to the people who've always been there."
His heart isn't quite breaking, she only serves as a reminder of the heart he has broken, Vanessa's and reprimanding that sounds a lot harder than getting lost in his first crush.
When Nate inquires about Chuck's plans he invites him along with drinks with Serena.
"Seriously Chuck?" Is his reply.
"I seriously sympathise with her, Nathaniel." Chuck pats his friends shoulder, "She's going to try, really try for you."
"Try what?" Nate huffs.
"To stay."
"Another feeble attempt to make Blair jealous," Serena greets Chuck at the Palace bar, an obvious throwback to their history with not such an obvious outcome. "How have you been?" She asks earnestly.
"Terrible," he says, "but what's changed?"
"Well I sorted by Humphrey dilemma," she begins optimistically, "so now I can get on my Archibald dilemma."
"Don't even ask me about my Waldorf dilemma."
"There's no answers needed. I know she still loves you and you her. Who's the redhead, though?"
He's silenced. "She's not Blair."
"Of course she isn't."
"I broke up with her. It was a prolonged summer fling, that's all."
"You're not doing yourself any favours."
"I'm a Bass, Serena, other people have always been doing them for me."
"Only you can fight for Blair though!" Serena exclaims as he orders her a martini.
"I'll say the same for you and Nathaniel." He points out.
"I know." She replies. "I know."
"Tonight," he says decisively, "I'll fight if you fight, sis."
She sighs dramatically, thinks she's ready.
They both know she is.
Okay Archibald you don't have to come to Paris anymore; I'm home, so is S. She still loves you. Don't even try and deny that you love her back. That GG blast was realised several summers ago. – B xo
He doesn't want to smile and chuckle when he gets that text.
Of course, Dorota lets him in without hesitation ("You have lot of work to do, Mister Chuck.")
He knows; and he relishes the prospect of showing Blair his commitment.
Whatever it takes.
When she leaves her bedroom her heart beats not just faster, but really erratically. She takes about three steps down that staircase (she tries not think that this shot; her on higher ground and him pleading from below is reminiscent of one of her favourite movies) and she stops, wishes she was wearing something sexier to make it hurt a bit more when she rejects him once again.
He knows no gift has the ability to absolve him this time around; still something keeps drawing him to her. Ultimately, it's because he knows she's the only one who will ever understand him fully, even when it hurts.
"So," she begins strongly, regaining control the only way she knows how, "You discard me to your uncle like a disposable piece of property," he flinches, she likes that he's hurting, craves it, "show up randomly at my father's chateau in that creepy manner of yours, spend the summer connecting with Serena," she mocks, "presumably sleep with some red-head, gave her an STI and now you're here. How's it going to be, Bass?"
He looks up with her with a look of total adoration.
"Here's how it's going to be," he begins, walking up the staircase (walking to her the way he's been walking to her during his entire life; one step at a time), taking her hand slowly (taking her heart again with it), "I'm not going to be surprised if you push me down this very staircase, because you're Blair. But because I'm Chuck Bass...and I am truly nothing without you, I have to fight for you. Do you understand?" He feels her pulse stop for the quick second and he has his answer, "This time I'm not saying sorry, I'm showing it." He kisses her hand and leaves.
She's stunned.
She thinks of numerous things she could have said as a reply, knows she should have reminded him once again that she deserves better.
He's kind of undeniable though, when he puts his pride on the floor.
Dorota looks at her with a sense of triumph, genuine happiness for the rest of her days, wonders if Miss Blair knows there's nothing else that compares when you've found the only one who silences this Waldorf.
Instead of patting Blair's back with an accompanying non-truth to attempt to soothe her, "Perhaps I should make tea? And you can tell me all about your summer?"
Blair offers her a smile in return.
"Hey." Serena says; a crooked grin with a demure syllable that still lets him know she's happy to see him.
He sighs. He's so glad she's here, but she doesn't really deserve the satisfaction of knowing that.
She raises an eyebrow playfully, "Seriously, you're not going to talk to me?" She sees his resolve crack the way it did three years ago and she came back home (for herself, for Blair, a little bit for Chuck but mainly him.) "Like literally, not speak?"
He can't help but smile and laugh slightly, "Hey."
She says that's much better. When she smells the sandalwood on his body he smells the way he always has, the most delicious boy alive, and it is much better, because she's only home when she sees him upon her return.
"I'm going to fight for you," she begins with resolve, "I want to fight for us."
He can't help but smile; she hasn't brought up his casual dalliances with Vanessa and he's grateful – firstly he regrets it and secondly, it was a low shot back; Serena's the only one who could ever hurt him like that.
It also hurts him that Serena never has to fight for him. She's kept his gaze.
What he doesn't know is that he's kept hers along with it.
"I love you, Nate. I'm in love with you and I don't see that ever changing. It never has changed –
He cuts her off with a kiss, knowing he shouldn't, knowing he should see her fight for him, but he's done wasting time without her.
Besides, its summer, and it's them, he reasons.
She wants to part too, tell Nate she's actually serious this, about them, but there are several ways to show him that; feels her body arch into his, feels herself actually shake and her clutch drop to the floor.
This time, she knows it's by staying.
He quite literally takes away her breathe, and when they part she gasps and murmurs "I'm going to fall over, Natie!"
"So fall."