étoiles
by constellated
-x-
and still
my world stood still
I couldn't move
and all I could feel
was this aching in my heart
saying I loved him
still
— Reba McEntire; And Still
-x-
In the loosest sense of the word, they are perfect.
They're the most celebrated couple Hogwarts has ever seen. Their names are whispered everywhere; — did you see Marlene McKinnon and James Potter just now? — scrawled onto the bathroom walls — JP + MCK — and even the teachers smile and nod whenever they see the two of them together.
The times when James Potter and Lily Evans were the "it couple" of the school are long over now. She knows that.
-x-
She watches them through hooded eyes at mealtimes, watches them playing and laughing and kissing; sometimes she even wishes she could be the girl sitting on James Potter's lap and toying with his school tie. But in others, she reminds herself, you had your chance, and even if it's the most painful thing she's ever done, she forces herself to turn back and face her untouched meal.
Once in a while, there'll be a burst of giggling from their end of the table, and almost involuntarily she finds her eyes drifting towards him. Instantly she regrets it — as always, they're tangled together in a heap; his dark hair is messier than she's ever seen it and her cheeks are flushed. Their foreheads are pressed together, and they're both smiling.
She has to look away before he lowers his lips onto hers once more.
-x-
She sees the way he looks at them during mealtimes, and can't help but wonder; is there something that Sirius Black regrets? After all, he and Marlene used to date, until he callously broke her heart, as he had many others; she sought comfort in James Potter and they fell in love. She knows the story by heart now, no matter how much she likes to claim otherwise — the whole school never stops talking about it, and it has long since become Hogwarts legend.
Sirius' eyes never stop moving; they dart to and fro constantly, almost afraid that someone has seen him staring at Marlene. But ever-so-often they linger on her as she drapes herself around his best friend's neck, and there's something rueful in his eyes. He regrets breaking her heart, she deduces one day, and lowers her eyes.
She certainly has her own regrets.
-x-
To say that she didn't mean to break his heart would be a lie. She was fully conscious of what she was doing at the time, and she knew it would hurt him. But she didn't regret it in the least; until the next morning when she woke up beside Sirius Black with her head pounding and her heart aching; what have I done. And then Sirius blinked up at her with his wide brown eyes and whispered, no one will know.
But within the next few minutes James was in the room and his eyes were wide with hurt. She scrambled from the bed, towards him, saying, please, I can explain — but he jerked back as if her touch burned him.
"I don't know you." He only said four words, but those four words cut deeper than any other had, not even when Severus had called her a Mudblood in front of half of the school. The only person in the room at the time was Sirius, but still she was the most humiliated that she had ever been, and she broke down in ugly sobbing right on the spot.
The old James Potter would have rushed to her and embraced her and told her that even if he couldn't forgive her yet, he would eventually. This James Potter just stared down at her emotionlessly and watched.
-x-
Her name is Lily Evans, and she is a whore.
She doesn't even bother denying the rumours as they fly to the moon and back — and before long the entire school is whispering and pointing at her when she walks by them in the hallways. But she is unfeeling — she's a heartless, emotionless shell, as she has been since that day.
She can't even look her professors in the eye now; she can't bear to face their disappointment. We expected better of you, they would say. We didn't think that you would turn out to be like the other girls. But most of all, she can't look at him — not after what she's done. Even if it was a mistake.
Her name is Lily Evans and she is a whore, even if she wasn't always one.
-x-
Once upon a time, they were happy.
There was once a boy named James Potter who was deeply in love with a girl named Lily Evans, but she wouldn't go out with him if it was a choice between him and the giant squid. Everyone said they would end up together in the end.
And they did.
Theirs was the story that everyone was supposed to tell their grandchildren. But now everything is about James Potter and Marlene McKinnon — the poor, betrayed souls who found solace in one another.
-x-
He doesn't really love Marlene.
She doesn't really love him, either — he notices the way that her eyes stray to the back of Sirius's head during Transfiguration, instead of focusing on her half-transformed gerbil. Almost subconsciously, his eyes flicker across the room and watch as she successfully transforms her gerbil into a table-lamp — then catches himself and looks down at his own, squirming gerbil.
I can't ever forgive her.
-x-
It's safe to say that he sees the way she glances at him whilst they're both studying in the library, the way her eyes trail over him when she thinks he's not looking. He looks at her too, brooding and contemplative and regretful. Then Marlene leans forwards and places her hands on his and then everything is over. Her eyes return to her work; she doesn't look at him for the next hour.
When Marlene declares (loudly) that she wants to return to their common room — mainly because she's hoping Sirius will hear — he notices that Lily's head jerks in their direction just a notch; but not enough that she can turn to look at them. There's a sliver of hope inside him, for a second. Then he reminds himself that she broke your heart and she's not worth it but she was his first love, and they never really forget.
-x-
The first time they were together was hurried; it was rushed as though they thought someone would try to stop them. She loved him but it was quick, too quick. She wanted to remember it. But when he grunted and shifted his weight and rolled of her with a whispered I love you, she thought he was the one.
But she wasn't satiated.
Then there was Sirius Black, with his lulling sweet nothings and his charming smiles and his enticing dark eyes and his promises; no one will know. He wanted it as badly as she did; and Marlene wouldn't give it to him.
They turned to each other, and it was the worst mistake of her life.
-x-
There are stars in the sky tonight; she notices. There haven't been stars in the sky since the day she let him down.
She's not supposed to be out here since it's against curfew, but to be honest she doesn't give a fuck and rules don't matter much to her, not anymore. She doesn't think there's much of a future to look forward to since the rumours will follow her out of school and into employment, when they'll definitely affect her opportunities. Just one mistake. That's all it took. And now everything is ruined.
She sits out there, staring at the stars, not knowing that he's standing behind her, watching her and wishing he had the guts to go and talk to her, but he doesn't.
The stars are so bright, she murmurs.
-x-
He doesn't really know what to think of her.
There's one part of him that's constantly yelling at him to go talk to her; the other part whispers that everything's her fault, that he should just blame it all on her and be happy. But would I be happy? he asks him. She looks so defeated; so broken. And he knows it's because of him.
The old James Potter would have cared that he was the cause of her unhappiness. This James Potter didn't.
-x-
He takes a sudden interest in the stars, particularly after he watched her observing them. The brightest star in the sky is the dog-star; Sirius, he reads in one of the books her borrows from the school library, and he raises his eyes from the volume to give a snort. Dog-star. That's a good one.
"What're you laughing about?" Sirius asks from his bunk bed, trying to sound lazy and bored like he always does. But there's a strained edge to his voice, indicating that he's trying to mend their relationship.
"Nothing," he answers shortly with a forced smile of his own. "You go back to sleep."
Contrary to this, Sirius sits upright and stares him straight in the eye, making him reluctantly lift his gaze from the book he's absorbed in. There's deliberate regret and maybe even asperity in his voice as he says, carefully, "Prongs, I'm sorry."
"That doesn't make it any better," James shoots back, immediately angry. "I was fucking in love with her, Padfoot. I was in love with her. But you just thought you could waltz in and take her away from me."
Sirius doesn't flinch. "It was nothing."
"But it was something to me!" James is on the verge of shouting now, pinning Sirius with his gaze and wondering how his friend can be so calm about the entire thing. Does our friendship really mean nothing to him? "How selfish can you get? Your best mate, Padfoot. I was your best mate."
"You're going to wake Remus." Sirius glances in the direction of his friend, who's stirring in his four-poster.
"I don't fucking care," he says, but he lowers his voice anyway. Then he pushes his chair back from the desk located in a corner and turns away from Sirius. "Don't follow me," he states. Then he heads out of the dormitory and slams the door behind him.
-x-
He doesn't have any real location in mind as he stomps down the hallway, but his legs somehow bring him to the same spot where he saw her stargazing the other day. She isn't there. He lets out a breath he hadn't realized that he'd been holding, and tells himself that it isn't much of a loss anyway.
"James?"
He whirls around thinking, shit; and sees her standing behind him, her red hair windswept and her green eyes dangerously bright, as if she's about to cry.
"L–Lily." It's the first time he's said her name since the incident, and the mere sound of it is enough to bring tears to her eyes. Needless to say, he's alarmed — as anyone would be when dealing with crying girls — and immediately blanches, saying, "please don't cry," which fails to serve its purpose, making her cry eyen harder.
"I'm sorry," he says aimlessly; for what, he thinks, but she doesn't seem to notice. She's looking past him, out at the glimmering lake with the moon reflected in it, and the stars beyond.
The stars are so bright, she says.
-x-
He's nowhere close to forgiving her, but it's a start, at least. The grass beneath them is dewy and damp, and while he shifts uncomfortably, she doesn't seem to notice, staring up at the stars as if they're her salvation, her only hope in the dark blanket of night.
"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars," she whispers, her eyes still fixed on the stars. He tears his eyes from them as well, turning to her.
"What?"
"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars;" she repeats, still looking up, "but in ourselves, that we are underlings." Now she turns to him and quirks her mouth in a half-smile, the glittering tear tracks still evident on her face. "It's Shakespeare. From Julius Caesar."
"'We are underlings'," he echoes. "Isn't that a little harsh?"
There's a pause. "No, not at all," she says, and her voice is barely audible. "We're all underlings, after all. Just hopeless souls lost in this world with no idea why we're even here."
He doesn't contradict her.
The stars are so bright, she muses.
-x-
"Did you hear; James Potter and Lily Evans were caught out of bed after curfew down by the lake? I wonder what they were doing."
"What? Isn't Potter dating Marlene McKinnon?"
"Exactly! And didn't he dump Lily Evans because she shagged Sirius Black behind his back?"
"Well, if you ask me, I would shag Sirius Black any day."
"Nobody asked you."
-x-
The whispers follow her everywhere, just like they used to. People point and stare; they gesticulate and gossip. It used to bother her, but now it doesn't.
This time she has no regrets.
-x-
She returns to her spot by the lake that night to watch the stars, and a small — extremely minute — part of her hopes that he'll rejoin her. She knows it's a foolish, childish hope — but still, she prays; she hopes; she wishes.
He doesn't join her after the first hour. Or the next. Or the next.
It's close to midnight when she hears the rustle behind her, and turns around to see him standing there. A relieved and somewhat hopeful smile spreads across her lips, and she moves to wave him forwards, but his eyes are not on her, but on the sky.
The stars are so bright, he says.
She smiles, a genuine, wide smile this time, and says, I know.
A/N — this is my millionth draft of this story, because i never could get it just right; and that annoyed me to no end. it's still not right, but tbh i really can't rewrite this anymore, it would drive me mad. :P on another hand, étoiles is french for "stars", and i hope you understood the significance of the stars and the quote ;) jsyk, i didn't put it in bc of the fault in our stars, which i know will be most people's guesses. so umm.
review? (: oh, and please do not favourite or alert without reviewing. :D