Author's Note: I guess I should put one of these in here somewhere... this is a story based in the magical world of Harry Potter. Mainly written out of sheer boredom, but it's dedicated to my girlfriend, Ruth. She seems to like Harry Potter fanfics on this site, so I wonder how this one will go down...

Reviews are much appreciated:)

Cheers,

Les Author

Chapter One: Les sudokus peuvent vous apporter plus étroitement. - Sudokus can bring you closer.

"Right, what happens now then?" Mariachi Steve looked up from the paper on the desk before him.

"Well a nine goes in that square there." Umbilical Dave pointed out helpfully.

"Quiet you!" Steve scolded him, this is a map, remember!

"Oh yeah, um, sorry."

"So then, this is where we enter. From there on in we must be silent and quick. You must not let a single person see us lest the plan is foiled. The place must be destroyed, if we fail we are doomed for sure!"

"Why?"

"Quiet you!"

"Oh of course. We are. Yes, utterly doomed."

"Yes."

"Most definitely annihilated."

"Indeed."

"Truly wiped off the face of this planet."

"That will do, Dave."

"And totally... um, sorry."

In one swift moment Dave was hurled across the room, hitting the wall with a sickening crunch.

"Dude, I think I broke something." He groaned, lying on the floor. He looked dismayed as he pulled a broken pencil out of his pocket. "That was my lucky pencil, man!" He protested.

Steve wasn't listening, instead he leant back on his chair and surveyed the room. Paper cluttered the floor, screwed up, discarded. A thousand broken pencils lay strewn across the room. Above the mourning form of Dave was a symbol on the wall. A box, a nine by nine grid divided into nine three by three sub-grids. Each small block in the grid contained a number from one to nine, and amazingly no row, column or sub-grid contained a number more than once. Steve regarded this box with awe. It was the symbol of their cult, the Ninja Sudoku Players. That logo was a symbol of their goal, to complete a sudoku puzzle.

So far not even Mariachi Steve had managed it, despite attempting every puzzle he could find. However he was optimistic for the future. He knew that one day, he would make it. For it was common knowledge that if one completed a fabled sudoku one would achieve enlightenment and become the ultimate Sudoku Ninja! Not that it was common knowledge, for only the Sudoku Ninjas has stumbled upon this knowledge, and there were but two of them. Mariachi Steve and Umbilical Dave. Though they didn't make the most impressive duo, they were certainly true to their names. Dave wasn't proud of his, his mother's doctor had been a lousy one, but Steve was a mean Mexican through and through... shame he was as lousy at music as he was simple pen and paper games.

Together the pair of them had hatched a plan. The plan. Such a plan had never even been dreamt of before. The sheer amazingness of it was something that mere mortals would never manage, for they were narrow-minded and shallow. But these people were no mortals, for they played the holy game of sudoku, and they planned to go down to the chippy on Thursday for a bite to eat. Being locked up in their tiny apartment scribbling numbers on pieces of paper worked up quite an appetite. However they could last till Thursday. they would just have to ration the pencil stubs.

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Meanwhile, in the small town of Upper Smedlington a group of trained monkeys had escaped from a circus and were heading for the channel tunnel.

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Eighty one point three miles northeast of their position lay a totally unrelated castle of little significance to the lives of anyone but the odd wizard, witch and a few million teenagers around the world. And inside it was a little boy with brown hair and a funny shaped scar on his forehead. No-one knew why, but as Voldemort was defeated he must have decided to add a sick twist of humour to the situation, there upon his would-be victim's head was a lightning bolt. Hmmm, maybe that wasn't such a funny shape to have... (Oh stop complaining, nothing remains of the fourth wall to be broken!) Though what Harry is doing is totally irrelevant, and who he is with is too, I shall tell you all the same. He sits in his House's common room, though it's not very common, there's only the one. Beside him Hermione and Ron gaze at him wistfully, praising his every move and being total suck-ups in the hopes that some day they may be allowed to have his autograph. But Harry was ignoring them, for once again the scar burned upon his forehead and he was hallucinating.

Thunder rumbled in the distance. Rain lashed against the windows of a darkened room. A flash of lightning illuminated the scene briefly. Inside the room two men sat, hunched over a shabby desk, in deep concentration looking at a flat, white object. Tall, dark and handsome, one of the men could be described as this, but only by a blind old lady who thought tall was over four foot nine and anything but albino qualified as dark. The figure sitting opposite was not as bad, that is to say his face was not as riddles with spots and he wore a matching pair of socks, though something long and pink protruded from his shirt somewhere above the waistline.

"What the!" Harry exclaimed, awakening from his trance-like state.

"Have you been taking those drugs again, Harry?" Hermione scowled.

"I told you to save some for me!" Ron said, standing up and disappearing through the portrait hole.

"Now look what you've done!" She continued, ignoring Harry's attempts to speak.

"But I..."

"You know it's not nice to leave him out, he's a reject we all know but you could at least pretend you care. Come on, we all know that if we screw him over now he'll grow up to be a psycho killer, so please just give him some next time. And don't make that face at me. Don't make me kick you're ass!"

"Oooh, kinky." Harry's eyes glinted.

A groan came from the crowd that had gathered around the arguing pair.

"Get a room!" Someone shouted,

"Hah! Like I would sink that low." Hermione snorted.

"She's got a point y'know." Another person piped up.

"Hey! Look at this!" Colin Creevy yelled over the crowd.

As the people parted Harry saw two beautiful women lying on the floor, arms wrapped around each other. They were kissing, so engrossed, oblivious to the world around them. Colin was wild with excitement, he got out his camera and went through an entire roll of film within seconds, obsessed with the two females that had seemingly come from nowhere.

"B...but what ab...about me?" Harry stammered. "Come on! Everyone look at me here! I just had another vision. My scar was hurting. I saw two mysterious men! The world is obviously coming to an end! I'm meant to get all the attention round here." He curled up on the armchair and sobbed.

No-one in the room cared though, they were all to busy staring at the lesbians.

"I hate you people!" Harry cried.

"I love these people!" Colin sighed.

"What the hell..." Said Dumbledore as he strode into the scene.

The entire room fell silent.

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Charlie the monkey was not happy. His favourite banana had sprouted wings and burrowed it's way into a nearby brick wall. Also his bowler hat had gone missing.

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