One day in the hot month of July, a hobo named Petey and his friend Marcia decided to go to Las Vegas so Petey could meet his idol, Criss Angel. Petey wasn't born homeless, you know. He spent every single dime he had on becoming just as good a magician as Criss! Unfortunately for him, he sucked worse than a hoover vacuum.

So Marcia and Petey travelled to Vegas, hitchhiking with truckers and not-so-scary bikers until they were dropped at the Luxor. As he walked in and looked for the production office, security ran at him.

"HEY YOU CAN'T BRING THAT IN HERE!!!" one of them yelled.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!" Petey yelled back, running from him.

Luckily for Petey, he ran straight towards the Production Office where Criss and crew were hanging.

"... oh dear God, what is that SMELL??" Criss covered his nose and gagged.

"It smells like a dead skunk covered in baby poo!" JD hoarked in the nearest trash can.

"It smells like a dog fart wrapped in rotting chicken!" Costa tried to run into the office, but accidently hit the glass headfirst and knocked himself unconscious.

Criss looked at Costa and thought, Lucky SOB .. he doesn't have to smell it anymore!

"OH GOD CRISS SAVE MEEEEEE!!" Petey jumped into Criss' arms and clung on for dear life.

"AH!!!" Criss screamed like a schoolgirl and dropped poor Petey as he realized the horrendous smell was in fact, coming from HIM. "Dear God, do you live in a SEWER?!"

".. only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every second Saturday of the month. Except in June. Then it's the first Saturday," Petey grinned at Criss with his fungus covered front teeth.

Criss cringed and dropped Petey on the ground. At that moment, he saw Marcia.

She's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on! Criss thought, his eyes wide and filled with love.

Marcia chattered at Petey and groomed his hair, making sure he wasn't hurt. The poor smelly homeless man shooed her away with his hand and gracelessly got to his feet, pouting and rubbing his butt.

"Oww, why'd you do thaaaat??" Petey was on the verge of tears. "I didn't do anything!"

Criss grabbed his arm and pointed at Marcia. "Who is she? Is she single?? Does she like me?!"

"NO MINE!" Petey scooped her up and held her protectively against his chest. "I bought her and she's mine!"

".. I'll give you $100,000 for her!" Criss shouted, desperate.

Petey pondered the cash. It was more than he'd ever had at once. He could buy a lot of tricks with that. He shrugged and shoved Marcia at Criss, then happily said, "Sure, take Marcia! But I want it in unmarked $20 bills, bucko!"

Criss grinned like a madman and had JD grab his briefcase. Holding Marcia to his chest, he opened the case one handed, showing everyone it was empty. He closed it, twirled, and opened it again .. it was filled with Petey's money!

"Yippee!!!!" Petey danced a spastic jig and raced out of the hotel with his money, happier than he'd ever been in his life. His idol had just given him a hundred thousand dollars!

"Oh Marcia! I'm so happy! I love you!" Criss said and gave her a kiss.

"Uhh .. Criss?" JD put his hand on his younger brother's shoulder. "That's a monkey."

"I DON'T CARE! OUR LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!!!" Criss sprinted for the nearest elevator.

JD stared blankly after Criss, trying to figure out what had happened to turn his brother into a monkey lover. He shook his head and went to check on Costa, who was still out cold on the ground.