A short story in the spirit of Halloween. It's connection to the season isn't that implicit at the beginning but, well, you'll see. Should only be five chapters and I mean to have the last one done by the thirty first. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic the Hedgehog characters. I will however claim the world they're currently in because Sega does not want it.
Chapter 1: "The Incident"
The judge looked down on the motley group before him in irritation. His fingers drummed a steady beat across the podium and every so often he shook his head as if trying to clear it.
Insanity had invaded his life. If there was anyone left who still remembered what normalcy was, he had yet to make the pleasure of their acquaintance. The last week had been one crazy phenomenon after another. And before him were the reasons behind it all.
He sighed.
"This court is now in session. We will begin by-,"
"Don't we get a lawyer?"
The judge arched an eyebrow ponderously and looked down his nose at the bat that had made the outburst. He should have expected it. She probably knew this routine by heart, although how she managed to think clearly while hanging upside down with her feet stuck in a twisting column of chocolate was beyond him.
He sighed.
"Alright let's cut to the chase. This is anything but a formal trial. At the moment all the lawyers in the world are devoting their effort into clearing up that insurance claim posed by an alien nation that says we're renting "space". We can't get a proper jury since most people are exempt on account of having carpets devouring their children, pets, and internal organs. We don't even have a bailiff ever since those rouge Hoygytoygies decided they love police hats and donuts. Why I was able to come here in all this madness is a mystery unto itself."
It was chilling how rational it sounded when compared with what else had happened. Alien lawsuits, rabid carpets, and obsessive little beasts were only a small pitiful fraction of the world's worries.
"In any case," he continued, "the "incident" and everything that followed was the fault of each and every one of you."
That earned him some glares, even from the more peaceful individuals of the group. The judge knew that even if they had initiated the whole catastrophe, the odds were that none of them had ever meant for it to have such…strange consequences. Logic told him that they really weren't to blame for everything, but he really couldn't bring himself to care about something as pitiful as logic.
"It was all Sonic's fault. He started it," said the red…something. The judge wasn't entirely sure what he was. He just looked like a hedgehog with droopy quills to him. One feature that stuck out, however, was that he had his hands were stuck in a couple of cement blocks.
The aforementioned blue hedgehog probably would have started an argument but his mouth was currently sealed shut with some sort of alien duct tape. The hedgehog had to settle for just glaring at the red something-or-other.
"Anyway, since the Interstellar Interdimensional Code of Courtly Conduct has prohibited you from trying to fix things any further, the government (or what's left of it) has decided that you might as well face some sort of punishment for your crime."
"And what exactly is our crime," came the irritable reply of another hedgehog, this one black with some red here and there, another one that probably knew more than he should about dealing with the law. The judge couldn't help but feel bad for him though. It probably wasn't comfortable to have three (yes three) broken arms.
"Damned if I know. I'm sure smuggling, inciting a riot, lude conduct, war mongering, embezzlement, and overall public annoyance would be there somewhere."
They all seemed offended by the list, but it was the youngest that spoke up.
"That's hardly fair. Most of what happened didn't have anything to do with us," the little fox said. The judge wasn't sure what was strangest about him: that he had two tails or the fact he was puffed up like a cotton ball and was covered in socks.
"I'd say something like life's not fair but, according to those scientists that got the brain transplants, some mathematical mumbo jumbo proves that life is fair. Whatever the case the world needs someone to blame and you seven are the most readily available."
"We'd still be unavailable if Omega hadn't flambéed the rook," said another indecipherable. The judge thought it was that hedgehog girl, Abel or Sammy or something, but he wasn't sure on account of the hazmat suit.
"Processing," said the most intimidating of the gathered odd balls. The large robot had all the accoutrements of a fierce killing machine although the effect was somewhat mitigated by a paint scheme featuring flowers and butterflies in all manners of feminine shades. "Satisfactory rebuttal acquired. Incineration of rook: necessary. Cause: pink creature's embarrassing crocodile episode."
There were a few quiet chuckles among them and the hazmat suit seemed to be steaming.
"If you're done, I'd like to get this over with. Most of the prisons are no longer connected to solid ground and personally I doubt we could keep any of you detained for long."
The judge cast a glance at the hedgehog, Sonic, remembering the Prison Island escapade. The latter tried to smirk but could only pull off a deranged crinkling due to the tape.
"Community service is out of the question, since the majority of the community is engulfed in a madness you seven aren't allowed to participate in. No one could really think of anything so the big wigs decided to just have you all take an insanity plea and go through mandatory therapy."
There was a silence as this sunk in and then a chorus of voices shouted at once.
"What do you mean insane!"
"Who decided that?"
"After all we've done."
"Muff na muff nuff muff na."
"Quiet" the judge said simply. His voice was quiet but it had the authority of someone who'd gone through a giant rampaging poodle/corn monster's digestive system and lived. The room slowly fell back into silence.
"Frankly, you have no choice. All the government has to do is give up their Exemplary Exemption and you all are quite literally fish food. The doctor in charge of your treatment will be here momentarily, so if you'll excuse me I'd like to go home… if I can find it."
The judge sighed as he left the room. He was getting too old for all this, despite being only twenty-nine. As he began his odyssey for his runaway townhouse, he wondered if he should have mentioned that the doctor they had been assigned had his license revoked for unethical experiments. He'd volunteered for this job and (short-handed as they were) been hired. He was a madman and a quack and would most likely get them killed and/or psychologically broken.
The judge shrugged. They'd figure it out.
"Well, what do we do now?" Amy asked, her voice echoing oddly from within the hazmat suit.
"Not much to do. One false step and that's it." Rouge did the throat slitting motion. Somewhat appropriate considering she herself was in a sense "hanged".
"I still don't see why we have to listen to that stupid interstate-dementia-code-whatever-it-is," Knuckles muttered.
Tails sighed. He must have explained it a hundred times and not only to Knuckles. It seemed he was the only one who'd gotten the hang of the rules of the conflict.
"We can't go against the Code or everything we know will be torn asunder, time and space will converge, and white blocks will replace everything and nothing."
As always, Tails was met with blank looks all around.
"Do you want me to explain it all again?"
Unanimous head shaking ensued.
"Then let's just say we can't and that bad things will happen if we do."
"Muff muff nuff muff na nuff nuff nuff muff muff nan a muff nuff muff na muff na muff na muff. Nuff." Sonic had suddenly become very excited and started jumping up and down spouting mumbled gibberish.
"Nope that won't work," Tails answered, somehow able to understand what the semi-mute hedgehog was saying.
"Muff na?"
"Besides it being nearly impossible, the Worse-than-thou is still in elevator canyon."
Sonic snapped his fingers and put a hand to his sealed mouth as if to think up a solution to this problem but whatever crazy idea he could have come up with was interrupted by the doors banging open.
In walked a little man in a tangerine colored lab coat with cloudy glasses that took up his entire face. Behind him was a lanky fellow with a stack of papers and a seemingly permanent look of confused nervousness.
The little man cleared his throat dramatically and stuck his nose in the air.
"I am Doctor Rutabaga. Illustrious man of revolutionary science and a delver into the unconscious psyche. This is Bill."
"Um, hi," said the lanky fellow.
So called Doctor Rutabaga shuffled to the front of the courtroom, his feet sliding back and forth without ever leaving the ground. Bill followed with a more normal gait. The assembled anthros made no comment. They'd seen stranger sights in the past week.
"Now, ahem, it has come to my attention that you are all mentally disturbed to a severe degree. I, in my abundant generous wisdom, have offered to enlist my incredible intellect to the purpose of your recovery. No need to thank me your willing contribution to my on-going research is thanks enough."
Unsettled glances were exchanged across the room. This didn't sound good.
"Bill!"
"Ouch. Yes."
"Please pass out the initial exploratory diagnosis." As Bill shuffled through his stack the Doctor continued. "Based on information provided to me I have been able to discern the roots of your multitude of self-degrading behavior."
Bill gulped. He wasn't sure how smart it was to say something like that to creatures that could very easily shred, smash, shoot, maul, and basically destroy them. He was relieved when they took the envelopes without trouble.
"Report to the enclosed address at the designated time. You each will have a member of my staff to personally interview you. I will oversee the results. Too-de-loo."
Doctor Rutabaga skipped out the door with Bill close on his heels. As for Sonic and company, they looked at their envelopes as if the little white slips would rear up and bite them. Each waited for another to open theirs.
"Fine. If no one else will," Rouge said before quickly tearing off the flap and extracting the official looking document inside. It took her a moment to find what she was looking for but when she did she rolled her eyes.
"Kleptomania. Why am I not surprised."
Shadow and Omega were next though neither said their diagnosis out loud, although Shadow cocked a brow as if perplexed.
"Obsession?" Amy said, genuinely surprised.
"Well at least some of these make sense," Knuckles said, trying and failing to open his envelope with his teeth.
"What is that supposed to mean," said the threatening hazmat suit.
Knuckles would have replied but was cut off by a strangled yelp from Tails. All eyes turned to the fox who had a look of pure shock on his face.
"What is it?" Amy asked.
Tails shook his head.
"Nothing," he said, crumpling up the paper and letting it fall into his fur where it promptly disappeared. "Here let me get that."
Tails took Knuckles envelope before the echidna could protest and opened it.
"Uh-oh."
"What's uh-oh," Knuckles practically growled.
"Um, well…" Against his better judgment Tails showed him the document. Knuckles read quickly and got progressively more and more enraged.
"ANGER MANAGEMENT! WHY DO I NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT?"
"…Do I need to answer that?"
The echidna yelled and grumbled and growled for a while but soon defused into a seething pout.
The last one was Sonic who had stared at his envelope the entire time.
"Scared faker?" Shadow asked with a smirk. The other hedgehog glared at him then quickly ripped the thing open.
His eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets.
"MUFF NA MUFF NA? MUFF NA NA MUFF MUFF NA MUFF NA? MUFF NUFF NUFF NA NUFF NA MUFF MUFF NUFF NA NUFF MUFF-,"
And the non-understandable onslaught continued as the others looked to Tails for a translation.
"Um, I'm not allowed to repeat most of that but, well," Tails face got red, "It sounds like he got anorexia, but I hope I just heard wrong."
The reactions were varied. Rouge started laughing hysterically, Shadow and Knuckles looked confused, and Amy and Omega were impassive.
"What's that?" Knuckles asked.
"Uh-,"
"MUFF! MUFF NA NUFF MUFF MUFF NUFF!"
Sonic took hold of Tails' arm and started pulling him toward the door.
"Apparently we're going to go find an adhesive solvent," the fox said, while he tripped after his hero.
"Wait for me!" Amy ran after them, never one to be left behind.
Knuckles rolled his eyes and went after them slowly, dragging his cement blocks as best he could.
"So what did you two get?" Rouge asked now that they were alone.
Shadow showed her his document, the only mark on it being a giant question mark. Rouge blinked.
"Well that's…weird. How about you big guy?"
Omega hands her the paper, but Rouge just looks at it, unable to decipher the unfamiliar word.
"What do you have?"
"…Rabbit phobia."
Neither of the two laughed at the robot. The information was too outlandish to garner any response. At last Shadow shook his head and took a hold of the little red wagon's handle that Rouge's chocolaty confinement was propped in.
"Let's get out of here and find a hospital so this thing can be amputated."
"I thought we were going to find a blow torch."
"Hospital first."
"Geez, fine. We'll get rid of your sorry limb first."
The three made to leave but Omega paused at the door. He felt as if someone was watching him. He turned around but his scanners detected nothing. He left with a shiver down his steely spine.