Magic Shop (Slayers Monty Python Crossover)
Xellos Metallium sighed blissfully as he wiped down the counter of his mage shop. Those who knew him well enough to know how stupid trusting him was were well aware of his own particular vices. His sole purpose in life (serving Zelax Metallium didn't count, as it was a foregone conclusion) was his hunger. Feeding off all that delightful emotion that humans put out. Some demons (who usually had tentacles) fed of fear, terror, and embarrassment. His own personal favorite was Anger. That was the real reason he hung around Lina Inverse and her friends; Lina's own anger, with that pleasant aftertaste of irrationality was so delicious.
He smiled as Valgaav stepped into the shop, a cage carved out of Cefeid's Hawthorne in his hand. Part of a healthy diet is that you need variety. That was why he liked Valgaav too. His own anger was geared slightly more towards sullen, but its intensity was way beyond what even Lina could manifest. Not that feeding off Valgaav was without risks; he was one of the handful of beings that Xellos had reason to fear. An ancient dragon reborn as a Mazoku, he had enough raw power to easily fry Xellos's astral form to ethereal waste.
Still, the taste was so much better with just a hint of danger. "Can I help you?"
Valgaav glared at him. "I have a complaint about this drakeling you sold me."
Xellos tutted. Being raised by Filia had caused him to keep his anger under far greater control. No way he would get a decent meal without riling him up some more. "Oh I'm terribly sorry, but my lunch break is now."
He regretted it as Valgaav's draconic arm shot out, firmly latching onto his astral form. "You don't eat. Sit." He let go, but the threat was clearly there. Stay or get shredded with absolutely no remorse. "Now then, about this drakeling."
"Oh yes, the Stygian Gray. So what seems to be the problem with it?"
Valgaav glared at him. "Are you blind? He's dead!"
Xellos very carefully refrained from letting his smile widen. "Oh no, he's just resting."
Valgaav rolled his eyes. So the run around. Fine. "Look Mazoku, I know a dead drakeling when I see one and I'm looking at one right here."
"Oh no, no, no. He's just resting. Truly remarkable creatures, the Stygian Grays. Lovely scales..."
"The scales have nothing to do with it, he's stone dead!"
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's resting."
Valgaav bit back the desire to start blasting, as it would make Filia rather unhappy with him. Not that that would be too bad; she never tried to hurt him. Still, he did care about her happiness. So, a demonstration was in order. "Fine then. If he's resting, I'll just wake him up." He opened the cage and grabbed the limp, room temperature winged lizard and brought its ear holes to his mouth. "HELLO MR. DRAKEY! I'VE GOT SOME DEE- LICIOUS ROCK WORMS FOR YOU!"
The head jerked upward. "See, he just moved," Xellos said amicably.
"No he didn't, you just hit him with a magic tug."
"Certainly not..."
"Yes you did!" Taking a deep breathe, he continued in a rather more...stentorian fashion. "HELLO DRAKEY!" He began smacking its head like it was one of those...what were they called? Oh yeah, microphones. "TESTING! TESTING! THIS IS YOUR NINE O'CLOCK ALARM CALL!" Grasping it by the tail, he began rhythmically banging it against the counter... GA-GUNK, GA-GUNK, GA-GUNK! ...a few alternating whacks between his feet and the counter... THAP! GUNK! THAP! ...and finished off by tossing it into the air and letting it flop onto the ground. He leaned onto the counter, giving Xellos a gamine stare. "Now that's what I call a dead drake."
Xellos bit back a grimace. He was most decidedly NOT cooperating. Well, if there was one thing that Xellos had mastered, it was annoying other people. "...no it's stunned."
Valgaav face-faulted at that. "STUNNED?!"
Xellos nodded reasonably. "Yeah! You stunned it just as he was waking up."
Not noticing the furrows his fingers were digging into the counter, Valgaav started sputtering. "N...now look Metallium, that thing is definitely deceased, and when I purchased not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement...was due to it being tired following a prolonged gout of hellfire."
Okay, he was getting steamed. Time to turn up the idiocy factor. "Why he's...he's probably pining for the fjords."
Replay face-fault. "Pining for the fjords?! What kind of talk is that?! Look, why'd he fall flat on his back the moment I got him back to the shop?!"
"Stygian grays prefer lying on their backs. Remarkable creatures. Beautiful scales."
Don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him... With a visible effort, Valgaav got himself back under control. "Look Metallium, I took the liberty of examining that lizard, and I found that the only reason it had been on its perch in the first place...was that you had nailed it there."
Almost there... "Well of course he was nailed down." He drew himself up purposefully. You learn that (whether you want to or not) hanging around Amelia. "If I hadn't nailed that thing down, it would have muscled up those bars...bent them apart with its fangs...and, VOOOOOOM!"
"VOOOOOM?! Xellos, this thing wouldn't VOOM if you pumped a Digger Volt through him! He's #*$@-ing demised!"
"No, he's pining!"
That's it. Come to think of it, Filia would probably be more worried if I hadn't pounded Xellos than if I did; too much changes and such. His hand shot out, grabbing Xellos by the hair. "HE'S NOT PINING (WHAM!), HE'S PASSED ON! (WHAM!) THIS DRAKE (WHAM!) IS NO MORE! (WHAM!) HE HAS CEASED TO BE! (WHAM!) HE'S EXPIRED (WHAM!) AND GONE ON TO THE LORD OF NIGHTMARES! (WHAM) HE'S A STIFF! (WHAM!) BEREFT OF LIFE (WHAM!), HE RESTS IN PEACE! (WHAM!) IF YOU HADN'T NAILED HIM INTO THE CAGE HE'D BE PUSHING UP DAISIES! (WHAM!) HE'S RUN DOWN THE CURTAIN (WHAM!) SHUFFLED OFF HIS MORTAL COIL (WHAM!) AND JOINED THE BLEEDING CHOIR INVISIBLE! (WHAM!) HIS METABOLIC PROCESSES ARE NOW HISTORY! (WHAM!) THIS...(WHAM!) IS AN EX-...(WHAM!) DRAKELING! (WHAM!)
(Author's note: We would like to take this moment to make something perfectly clear. Those whams are not punches, knee strikes, back spinning hook kicks, capoeira helicopter spins, or tiger claw kung-fu palm attacks. Valgaav is slamming Xellos's head into the counter, which incidentally was deliberately reinforced for just such occurrences.)
Xellos slowly peeled his head out of the counter. Like any true gourmand or virtuoso, he had to suffer ridiculously for his vices. "Well, I suppose I should replace it then."
For the third time in as many minutes, Valgaav face-faulted. At this point, he turns to us and says tiredly, "You want something from a Monster, you have to argue 'til you're blue in the face."
Xellos reappeared. "So sorry, but I don't seem to have any more grays. Can I interest you in anything..."
What happened next? Let's just say that Lina and Sylphiel aren't the only people who know the Dragon Slave. (Even other dragons can use it.)
The end of this particular little sketch. Hopefully, more to come. It's based on a Monty Python sketch called Pet Shop, involving a parrot rather than a drakeling. I also hope to use Candy Store, and various elements from the Life of Brian (particularly the womb sketch) and The Holy Grail.
Chuck Scholle - author, big-headed Korean, and generally disturbed Otaku.
Equal Rights
Lina managed to suppress a groan/yawn as Philionel continued in his debates with the various other dignitaries. That and tried to figure out why she and the rest of the 'gang' was included in a law-making session of Seyruun. Though knowing Phil, it was due to his being convinced that she, Zelgadis, Gourry, Filia, Valgaav, and Xellos (she didn't think anyone had bothered to mention that he was a Mazoku) were 'righteous avatars of JUSTICE!' Amelia was probably just glad to see friends (besides, if Lina was here she wasn't torching/dragon slaving anyone.)
Phil drew himself up ponderously. "Now see here Martina. I think it important that a good set of basic rights be universally accepted."
Martina harumphed at the bear-like 'pacifist.' She would have vastly preferred chasing Zangulus or making some more cursed whatsis. "So what do you consider necessary?"
"I believe that all men..."
"And women," Xellos added.
"...and women," Phil amended, "should have the right to face a council or jury of their fellow men..."
"Or women," Xellos broke in again.
(Pause). "...Or women in...um..."
Zelgadis frowned. "Spit it out already." Phil smiled nervously, scratching his head. "I lost my place."
THWAM!
Valgaav was the first to drag himself off the floor following a mass face- fault. "Xellos...I'm curious, but why did you find it necessary for such an obsession over women?"
He was not the only one to get a BAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD feeling over Xellos's blush. Just about everyone save Phil and Martina mentally braced themselves for his answer.
"Because I want to be one."
THWAM!
Some things you just can't defend against.
Zelgadis needed about thirty seconds to yank his metal, nail-like hair out of the table. That accomplished, he gave Xellos a tired look. "Xellos, I know beyond a shadow of any possible doubt I'm going to regret asking this but...WHY do you want to be a woman?"
Xellos fidgeted nervously for a few seconds before answering. "I want to have babies."
(I'm getting tired of using THWAM!'s, so just be aware of yet another group face-fault.)
Filia gave the self-proclaimed Trickster Priest an arch look. She knew him a lot better than she would have liked to, and could tell several things not readily obvious to your average human (or golem/demon/human chimera.) Considering that as a Mazoku he could reproduce just by creating astral split-offs, she could tell he was just trying to get rises out of them. On the other hand, she knew better than to try and stop this; the best she could do was hope this didn't degrade into the magical equivalent of a shoot-out. Best to get some protection spells ready just in case.
Lina stared at the Mazoku incredulously. Normally when he pulled this kind of stuff she zapped him with a fire ball. This? This was both weird and slightly creepy. "Um Xellos, you can't have babies."
"Don't you oppress me!"
Lina paused to reset her jaw (at some point during this little exchange it had reached her navel). "I'm not oppressing you, you just can't have babies."
"Well why not?"
"Why not?! Because...um..."
"It's physically impossible," Zelgadis supplied, wrenching his view away from the entertainment supplied by Martina's reaction (she'd had a thing for Xellos once, remember? Interesting twist on this, huh?) "You don't have a womb."
"So?"
Valgaav grabbed the chimera's hood to prevent any more holes in the table. "So where's the fetus supposed to gestate? What, you going to keep it in a cardboard box?"
"Mr. Xellos..." This time, even Philionel winced at the googly shining eyes Amelia currently had. "Oh father, how can we deny such a heartfelt, innocent desire? In the name of Justice, all people must be given the right to give birth!"
Gourry idly wondered when Lina had learned Soun Tendo's Demon Head technique. "Amelia, are you high?! (1) WHY would you give someone the right to do something they physically can't do?"
The princess recovered quickly. "A symbolic gesture, Miss Lina! For love," (Xellos winced), "Justice," (here he grimaced), "and the beauty of life!" (and finished off with a hacking cough.)
Gourry moaned, rubbing his forehead. "A symbolic gesture of you people's struggle against reality," he muttered, ignoring the face-fault of the crowd as he blatantly stepped all over Zelgadis's (Or possibly Valgaav's) lines.
"My head hurts," Lina moaned from the floor.
(1). You know, this would explain a LOT. Think about it.
Xellos Metallium sighed blissfully as he wiped down the counter of his mage shop. Those who knew him well enough to know how stupid trusting him was were well aware of his own particular vices. His sole purpose in life (serving Zelax Metallium didn't count, as it was a foregone conclusion) was his hunger. Feeding off all that delightful emotion that humans put out. Some demons (who usually had tentacles) fed of fear, terror, and embarrassment. His own personal favorite was Anger. That was the real reason he hung around Lina Inverse and her friends; Lina's own anger, with that pleasant aftertaste of irrationality was so delicious.
He smiled as Valgaav stepped into the shop, a cage carved out of Cefeid's Hawthorne in his hand. Part of a healthy diet is that you need variety. That was why he liked Valgaav too. His own anger was geared slightly more towards sullen, but its intensity was way beyond what even Lina could manifest. Not that feeding off Valgaav was without risks; he was one of the handful of beings that Xellos had reason to fear. An ancient dragon reborn as a Mazoku, he had enough raw power to easily fry Xellos's astral form to ethereal waste.
Still, the taste was so much better with just a hint of danger. "Can I help you?"
Valgaav glared at him. "I have a complaint about this drakeling you sold me."
Xellos tutted. Being raised by Filia had caused him to keep his anger under far greater control. No way he would get a decent meal without riling him up some more. "Oh I'm terribly sorry, but my lunch break is now."
He regretted it as Valgaav's draconic arm shot out, firmly latching onto his astral form. "You don't eat. Sit." He let go, but the threat was clearly there. Stay or get shredded with absolutely no remorse. "Now then, about this drakeling."
"Oh yes, the Stygian Gray. So what seems to be the problem with it?"
Valgaav glared at him. "Are you blind? He's dead!"
Xellos very carefully refrained from letting his smile widen. "Oh no, he's just resting."
Valgaav rolled his eyes. So the run around. Fine. "Look Mazoku, I know a dead drakeling when I see one and I'm looking at one right here."
"Oh no, no, no. He's just resting. Truly remarkable creatures, the Stygian Grays. Lovely scales..."
"The scales have nothing to do with it, he's stone dead!"
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's resting."
Valgaav bit back the desire to start blasting, as it would make Filia rather unhappy with him. Not that that would be too bad; she never tried to hurt him. Still, he did care about her happiness. So, a demonstration was in order. "Fine then. If he's resting, I'll just wake him up." He opened the cage and grabbed the limp, room temperature winged lizard and brought its ear holes to his mouth. "HELLO MR. DRAKEY! I'VE GOT SOME DEE- LICIOUS ROCK WORMS FOR YOU!"
The head jerked upward. "See, he just moved," Xellos said amicably.
"No he didn't, you just hit him with a magic tug."
"Certainly not..."
"Yes you did!" Taking a deep breathe, he continued in a rather more...stentorian fashion. "HELLO DRAKEY!" He began smacking its head like it was one of those...what were they called? Oh yeah, microphones. "TESTING! TESTING! THIS IS YOUR NINE O'CLOCK ALARM CALL!" Grasping it by the tail, he began rhythmically banging it against the counter... GA-GUNK, GA-GUNK, GA-GUNK! ...a few alternating whacks between his feet and the counter... THAP! GUNK! THAP! ...and finished off by tossing it into the air and letting it flop onto the ground. He leaned onto the counter, giving Xellos a gamine stare. "Now that's what I call a dead drake."
Xellos bit back a grimace. He was most decidedly NOT cooperating. Well, if there was one thing that Xellos had mastered, it was annoying other people. "...no it's stunned."
Valgaav face-faulted at that. "STUNNED?!"
Xellos nodded reasonably. "Yeah! You stunned it just as he was waking up."
Not noticing the furrows his fingers were digging into the counter, Valgaav started sputtering. "N...now look Metallium, that thing is definitely deceased, and when I purchased not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement...was due to it being tired following a prolonged gout of hellfire."
Okay, he was getting steamed. Time to turn up the idiocy factor. "Why he's...he's probably pining for the fjords."
Replay face-fault. "Pining for the fjords?! What kind of talk is that?! Look, why'd he fall flat on his back the moment I got him back to the shop?!"
"Stygian grays prefer lying on their backs. Remarkable creatures. Beautiful scales."
Don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him... With a visible effort, Valgaav got himself back under control. "Look Metallium, I took the liberty of examining that lizard, and I found that the only reason it had been on its perch in the first place...was that you had nailed it there."
Almost there... "Well of course he was nailed down." He drew himself up purposefully. You learn that (whether you want to or not) hanging around Amelia. "If I hadn't nailed that thing down, it would have muscled up those bars...bent them apart with its fangs...and, VOOOOOOM!"
"VOOOOOM?! Xellos, this thing wouldn't VOOM if you pumped a Digger Volt through him! He's #*$@-ing demised!"
"No, he's pining!"
That's it. Come to think of it, Filia would probably be more worried if I hadn't pounded Xellos than if I did; too much changes and such. His hand shot out, grabbing Xellos by the hair. "HE'S NOT PINING (WHAM!), HE'S PASSED ON! (WHAM!) THIS DRAKE (WHAM!) IS NO MORE! (WHAM!) HE HAS CEASED TO BE! (WHAM!) HE'S EXPIRED (WHAM!) AND GONE ON TO THE LORD OF NIGHTMARES! (WHAM) HE'S A STIFF! (WHAM!) BEREFT OF LIFE (WHAM!), HE RESTS IN PEACE! (WHAM!) IF YOU HADN'T NAILED HIM INTO THE CAGE HE'D BE PUSHING UP DAISIES! (WHAM!) HE'S RUN DOWN THE CURTAIN (WHAM!) SHUFFLED OFF HIS MORTAL COIL (WHAM!) AND JOINED THE BLEEDING CHOIR INVISIBLE! (WHAM!) HIS METABOLIC PROCESSES ARE NOW HISTORY! (WHAM!) THIS...(WHAM!) IS AN EX-...(WHAM!) DRAKELING! (WHAM!)
(Author's note: We would like to take this moment to make something perfectly clear. Those whams are not punches, knee strikes, back spinning hook kicks, capoeira helicopter spins, or tiger claw kung-fu palm attacks. Valgaav is slamming Xellos's head into the counter, which incidentally was deliberately reinforced for just such occurrences.)
Xellos slowly peeled his head out of the counter. Like any true gourmand or virtuoso, he had to suffer ridiculously for his vices. "Well, I suppose I should replace it then."
For the third time in as many minutes, Valgaav face-faulted. At this point, he turns to us and says tiredly, "You want something from a Monster, you have to argue 'til you're blue in the face."
Xellos reappeared. "So sorry, but I don't seem to have any more grays. Can I interest you in anything..."
What happened next? Let's just say that Lina and Sylphiel aren't the only people who know the Dragon Slave. (Even other dragons can use it.)
The end of this particular little sketch. Hopefully, more to come. It's based on a Monty Python sketch called Pet Shop, involving a parrot rather than a drakeling. I also hope to use Candy Store, and various elements from the Life of Brian (particularly the womb sketch) and The Holy Grail.
Chuck Scholle - author, big-headed Korean, and generally disturbed Otaku.
Equal Rights
Lina managed to suppress a groan/yawn as Philionel continued in his debates with the various other dignitaries. That and tried to figure out why she and the rest of the 'gang' was included in a law-making session of Seyruun. Though knowing Phil, it was due to his being convinced that she, Zelgadis, Gourry, Filia, Valgaav, and Xellos (she didn't think anyone had bothered to mention that he was a Mazoku) were 'righteous avatars of JUSTICE!' Amelia was probably just glad to see friends (besides, if Lina was here she wasn't torching/dragon slaving anyone.)
Phil drew himself up ponderously. "Now see here Martina. I think it important that a good set of basic rights be universally accepted."
Martina harumphed at the bear-like 'pacifist.' She would have vastly preferred chasing Zangulus or making some more cursed whatsis. "So what do you consider necessary?"
"I believe that all men..."
"And women," Xellos added.
"...and women," Phil amended, "should have the right to face a council or jury of their fellow men..."
"Or women," Xellos broke in again.
(Pause). "...Or women in...um..."
Zelgadis frowned. "Spit it out already." Phil smiled nervously, scratching his head. "I lost my place."
THWAM!
Valgaav was the first to drag himself off the floor following a mass face- fault. "Xellos...I'm curious, but why did you find it necessary for such an obsession over women?"
He was not the only one to get a BAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD feeling over Xellos's blush. Just about everyone save Phil and Martina mentally braced themselves for his answer.
"Because I want to be one."
THWAM!
Some things you just can't defend against.
Zelgadis needed about thirty seconds to yank his metal, nail-like hair out of the table. That accomplished, he gave Xellos a tired look. "Xellos, I know beyond a shadow of any possible doubt I'm going to regret asking this but...WHY do you want to be a woman?"
Xellos fidgeted nervously for a few seconds before answering. "I want to have babies."
(I'm getting tired of using THWAM!'s, so just be aware of yet another group face-fault.)
Filia gave the self-proclaimed Trickster Priest an arch look. She knew him a lot better than she would have liked to, and could tell several things not readily obvious to your average human (or golem/demon/human chimera.) Considering that as a Mazoku he could reproduce just by creating astral split-offs, she could tell he was just trying to get rises out of them. On the other hand, she knew better than to try and stop this; the best she could do was hope this didn't degrade into the magical equivalent of a shoot-out. Best to get some protection spells ready just in case.
Lina stared at the Mazoku incredulously. Normally when he pulled this kind of stuff she zapped him with a fire ball. This? This was both weird and slightly creepy. "Um Xellos, you can't have babies."
"Don't you oppress me!"
Lina paused to reset her jaw (at some point during this little exchange it had reached her navel). "I'm not oppressing you, you just can't have babies."
"Well why not?"
"Why not?! Because...um..."
"It's physically impossible," Zelgadis supplied, wrenching his view away from the entertainment supplied by Martina's reaction (she'd had a thing for Xellos once, remember? Interesting twist on this, huh?) "You don't have a womb."
"So?"
Valgaav grabbed the chimera's hood to prevent any more holes in the table. "So where's the fetus supposed to gestate? What, you going to keep it in a cardboard box?"
"Mr. Xellos..." This time, even Philionel winced at the googly shining eyes Amelia currently had. "Oh father, how can we deny such a heartfelt, innocent desire? In the name of Justice, all people must be given the right to give birth!"
Gourry idly wondered when Lina had learned Soun Tendo's Demon Head technique. "Amelia, are you high?! (1) WHY would you give someone the right to do something they physically can't do?"
The princess recovered quickly. "A symbolic gesture, Miss Lina! For love," (Xellos winced), "Justice," (here he grimaced), "and the beauty of life!" (and finished off with a hacking cough.)
Gourry moaned, rubbing his forehead. "A symbolic gesture of you people's struggle against reality," he muttered, ignoring the face-fault of the crowd as he blatantly stepped all over Zelgadis's (Or possibly Valgaav's) lines.
"My head hurts," Lina moaned from the floor.
(1). You know, this would explain a LOT. Think about it.