Jake was sitting down at the kitchen table with his back towards the staircase and front door. He was tracing the grains of the wooden table, waiting for the water to boil for the hot chocolate he was keen on making.
His dad and Helen had just left to go out to dinner. They had asked him if he wanted to join, but he knew they wanted to be alone – plus being a third wheel to them wasn't his ideal idea of a Friday night, though sitting home wasn't turning out to be anything exciting either.
He tried hanging around the school "frostival," but soon he realized all his friends were preoccupied with other things. Jenna was helping with the paper, along with Clare. Mo was with Marisol, and Drew wasn't even there. Carnivals weren't really fun when you were by yourself, so he left.
It was just after six o'clock and the sun had been down for about an hour or so. Jake was expecting Clare home soon, so maybe they could watch a movie or play checkers or something.
Truth be told, Jake wanted to patch things up with Clare. He wanted to talk to her about them. And since the parents were out tonight, he felt that this was his best chance to finally talk through his worries and what went wrong. He knew he already got his second chance, but it was hard for him to let her go.
The sibling thing wasn't working out and definitely was not something that he wanted. Sure, he called her 'sis' or referred to Helen as 'mom' on some occasions, but it never felt right. He thought that maybe if he said it, he'd eventually convince himself to believe it, but it just wasn't happening. He couldn't help himself but internally wince, if not actually wince, when he uttered those lies.
He twiddled his thumbs in anticipation – both for the boiling water and Clare's arrival. He had no idea why, but he felt cold. Not teeth chattering cold, but his chest felt numb and the sensation of coldness felt internal. He thought the hot chocolate would help.
Suddenly, Jake heard the front door open and close. He pivoted himself around his chair enough to view that it was Clare. He watched her as she leaned back against the door, sighing contently and smiling pleasantly to herself.
Jake uncomfortably swallowed at the scene. Something in his gut wasn't settling right. "Clare?" he found himself saying. It broke her out of her daze. She hastily greeted Jake as she began to hang her coat, scarf, and hat on the coat rack.
Soon the blow of the boiling water overtook the room and Jake thankfully took the distraction as he got up to go to the kitchen.
Clare walked slowly to the counter, peering into the kitchen to see exactly what Jake was doing. Noting her presence, Jake offered to make her a cup of hot chocolate as well, to which she accepted with much thanks.
A few moments passed in silence as Jake stirred the hot chocolate powder into their cups of steaming water.
"How was it?" Jake asked softly as he handed Clare her cup. She was now perched up on one of the stools. She immediately wrapped her freezing fingers around the mug, relinquishing in the warmth.
"H-how was what?" She slightly fumbled over her words. She immediately bit her lip and dropped her gaze to her beverage. Jake raised his eyebrow, but didn't question her about it, yet.
"The paper," Jake then elaborated.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, of course," Clare said, "it went really well. We were able to finish it and make all the copies…" Suddenly her face flushed. Clare bit the inside of her cheek as if she was trying to repress a memory, but as she lifted her mug closer to her face, her thoughts were clearly somewhere else.
The cold feeling in his chest seemed to drop down several degrees, so Jake quickly sipped down his hot chocolate, trying to get rid of the feeling. Try as he might, the hot liquid only dulled the sensation for a moment before the cold swept back in. He hurriedly poured himself another cup.
After he finished making himself a second hot chocolate, Jake studied Clare, eyeing her over the rim of his cup. She was still completely out of it; thinking deeply about something –Jake could tell it was something pleasant by the small upwards quirk of her lips, though.
Jake knew that if he asked her about it, he wouldn't like the answer. He knew it because the look was familiar to the one she used to get when she looked at him, but she wasn't looking at him now.
Taking a needed extra breath, Jake quietly asked, "What else happened?"
Even though the question was soft spoken, it broke Clare out of her ravine. "What? What makes you think something else happened?" she wondered. She still wasn't looking at him.
"Because no one smiles like you have been over a newspaper," Jake answered with a slight (forced) chuckle, to which caused Clare to giggle herself.
Clare then sighed after her laugh subsided. "You-You don't want hear the details," she spoke, and then busied herself by taking a sip of her drink.
Jake bit down on his lip and rubbed the back of his neck. No, he probably didn't want to hear the details. These details were probably going to kill him inside, but he wanted her to know he was there for her. When they were dating, they told each other everything, and god damn if he let that aspect of their relationship dissipate with the rest of it.
He cleared his throat. "No, no you talk. I know you're just dying to tell someone," he said, his tone teasing. "Plus, I bet Alli isn't home yet, so you'd have to wait even longer."
Clare finally looked at him. She squinted her eyes just enough to notice, as if she was trying to figure out whether she should tell him or not. Or maybe she was trying to figure out whether he could take it. Whatever she was doing, she began to speak a few moments later. "You know I was trying to recruit people to help me with the paper, right?"
Jake nodded, "Yeah, I remember you telling Helen about it. Then Jenna told me a couple days later that she was helping," Jake explained. "I would have help, but, um, I'm not much of a writer."
Clare smirked at his last statement. That she could testify too, as she could remember all the papers she edited for him. "Yeah, I know," she told him, smiling at him warmly to convey that she understood and didn't hold it against him. "But anyway," she then continued, "Eli showed up to help."
Jake momentarily froze. And suddenly, he knew this conversation wouldn't end to his liking. The chilling in his chest felt like it turned to ice, but he tried to suffocate it with more hot chocolate.
Clare was looking at him expectantly, as if he was going to react negatively any moment or start yelling, but he remained silent. "Just tell me if you want me to stop," she told him. And god, the pity in her voice was agonizing. It was like she knew he was still pinning for her. Like she knew he was still in love with her. And hell, maybe she did. "I don't want things to get too uncomfortable between us."
Jake downed another gulp; the rest of his hot chocolate. "It's not, continue," he told her. He briefly walked away to put more water in the kettle to boil. She only continued when he walked back over to the counter.
"So, Eli showed up to write for the theater section. I was beyond nervous. I mean, was he taking his meds now? What if he had another breakdown? Could he still be reliable enough to do it? But as the next couple days carried on, I found out that he was a lot better. He was acting like his old self, being the Eli I-I fell for…"
Again she looked up at him to gauge his reaction, but Jake kept his face void from any emotion other than enough interest to keep her talking.
"Then I started getting nervous for completely different reasons. We began playfully flirting and teasing each other. It was like we were falling right back in step from where we left off before – well at least before he got all protective and smashed his hearse – but anyway...that scared me," she admitted honestly, glancing over to Jake. "I didn't want history repeating itself. I didn't want to fall for him all over again, just to set myself up for heartbreak. That's just something I don't think I can go through again."
Jake knew that wasn't the end. She had been smiling for a reason. "But…?" Jake stressed out, knowing the 'but' was inevitable.
"But…" Clare started, "no matter how hard I tried not to laugh at his jokes or smile as he spoke, I did. And just reading his writing again, knowing exactly it was his because of the style. And just small things that would happen that would bring up all these past memories…my previous feelings for him just bubbled back to the surface."
Jake nodded gravely, hoping Clare didn't notice the frown that appeared on his face. He quickly turned away to retrieve the boiling water and made himself yet another cup of hot chocolate.
"And then after we copied enough copies of the newspaper, we ended up walking through the Frostival together and…I don't know what came over me, but I-I kissed him," she relayed the memory. Jake stiffened for a moment as he finished making his next cup.
Jake turned back around and saw Clare staring at him. He could sense the worry she was conveying through her eyes. Her eyebrows were drawn in, frowning. "I probably said too much, didn't I?" she whispered, already shaking her head, belittling herself.
"No, no!" he exclaimed. The sudden volume of his voice shocked both of them. "I mean, no, its fine. Keep talking," he said, adjusting his volume this time around. He motioned with his hand to further emphasis that he wanted her to keep talking.
"You probably think I'm so stupid -"
"I would never think that," he assured quietly, cutting her off. She looked up at him and smiled at his sincere words.
"I just, I don't know why it's all coming back like this. I thought I was over him, but-" she trailed off. Her mind was confused and couldn't seem to comprehend just what she was feeling, let alone put it into words.
"When you love someone," Jake started, "sometimes it's hard to let them go. Sometimes they'll always be a part of you that loves them." Jake hoped she didn't catch the double meaning, but as she nodded her head to his words, he didn't think she did.
"Yeah," she agreed, letting the words sink in her head. "I mean, I guess I consider him my first love, and people always say they are the ones that you can never forget…"
Jake nodded politely as she began rambling about her feelings towards Eli, though his mind wasn't exactly focusing on her words enough to understand them. Eli was Clare's first love. His stomach twisted at that, even though he had already known it.
Although Jake didn't really like to believe in the clichés of soul mates and first loves, he believed if he did that Clare would definitely be it. She was the first one he loved; it only made sense as to why she was so hard to get over. But, he wasn't just trying to get over the physical attraction, like he did with the girls before Clare, but the little idiosyncrasies that Clare did on a daily basis that he couldn't help but adore. It was even harder since he lived in the room next to her, under the same roof.
Clare had stopped talking, a satisfied look on her face. Jake presumed she was done talking now, so he smiled back, pretending he just didn't tone her out the last few minutes. "You feel better now that you talked that all through?"
She smiled, despite herself. "Yes, a lot better. Thank you," she spoke earnestly.
"Good," Jake said, picking up his empty cup along with hers to place in the sink. "So, do you want to watch a movie or something now?"
He saw her eyes perk up in excitement. "That sounds great. Let me go upstairs to change into my pajamas though," she said, already sliding off her stool to go up the stairs.
Jake popped in a DVD – some chick flick he knew Clare would want to see – and let it reside on the main menu. He then went over to the closet to retrieve a light blanket for Clare to use, knowing that she like to have it.
He placed himself on the middle cushion, remote in hand, ready for her when she came down. And as she descended the stairs and saw the DVD he picked, she gushed that she had secretly wanted to watch it. And when she finally placed herself on the end cushion of the couch, she greedily placed the blanket over herself.
And as they pressed play on the menu screen and the opening credits started rolling, Jake watched Clare as she watched the film.
Maybe this brother thing would get easier, or at least he would try. He was always going to love her though. He knew that. His feelings might dull or lessen, but they would never go away.
And he didn't know what happened with her and Eli after the kiss. She might have mentioned it when he wasn't paying attention, but he knew that if Eli even thought about hurting Clare, Jake would give him a good piece of his mind, if not his fist. His chest swelled and he shivered from the coldness that overcastted it.
"You want some of the blanket?" Clare asked, ready to share the blanket after she saw him shudder.
Shaking his head no and turning to the movie, Jake could only think that Eli was one lucky bastard and that he might have to grow accustomed to drinking lots hot chocolate in the foreseeable future.
A/N: So...this idea just popped in my head not too long after watching "In the Cold, Cold Night". Jake wasn't shown at the Frostival, so I immediately thought he'd be at home, and essentially see Clare when she comes home after kissing Eli and all. Hopefully you like it! Reviews would be lovely too! :)