Something Different
by Eponymous
Makoto was unable to piece together the chain of logic that had led him
from trying to calculate the derivative of pi over the geothermal
output threshold in five dimensions to thinking about the women in his
life.
It did make sense, though, if somewhere along the lines he'd started
out thinking about his life, given that there were so many women in it.
This was hardly surprising for a resident of El-Hazard, where according
to the last royal census the population was nearly 70 percent female.
His own personal experience certainly bore out that figure. Outside of
Sensei and Dr. Sctalubaugh, he couldn't think of a single male in his
circle of friends. Not since Londs retired, anyhow. Funny how he'd
never given the matter much thought until now... Then again, maybe
it wasn't. He couldn't see any great significance to it, really. It
was just another of the myriad bits of trivia that came to mind instead
of the answer to the problem before him.
Still, since there didn't seem to be any such answer forthcoming, he
speculated on the matter some more. It seemed to him that all his
friends within even a stone's throw of his age range were female.
Princess Rune, Alielle, Afura, Shayla... but then again, was Shayla his
friend? He worried about that sometimes.
He liked Shayla, but he didn't really know her very well. She rarely
spoke more than three sentences to him, most of them stammered. That
was probably his fault, he reflected. The circumstances of their
meeting had been strained, and though she'd gone out of her way to be
civil to him afterwards, he got the feeling it was a little forced.
Thanking someone for the same thing fifteen consecutive times had to be
a hint or something.
In truth, between her stammered, forced greetings and the way she stood
on diplomacy like that, Makoto sometimes wondered if she really liked
him at all.
Nanami, on the other hand, was probably his closest friend in the
world, and the person he understood best. He'd known her most all his
life, ever since his family moved to Shinonome while he was in pre-
school. They'd gotten along from the start, even when other kids their
age were avoiding the opposite gender. As he'd gotten older, that
aspect of their relationship had caused him a great deal of thought.
He'd known their relationship was something special, judging from all
the other boys and girls he knew, but it had taken him forever to
understand just how special it was. For a while, he'd wondered if his
feelings for her weren't romantic. After all, given how close they were,
how much he cared for her already, how well they knew each other, it
wasn't hard to imagine that he'd come to feel that way.
But in coming to El-Hazard, he'd realized something. So long as they
were apart, he'd been able to think of her as 'the girl he left
behind'. But the moment she'd found him again, no matter how happy
they were to see each other - their reunion had brought none of the
passion you'd expect from two people in love. Why was that?
It wasn't like he didn't care about her. He did, very deeply. But
when they were together, he found it impossible, even a little
embarrassing, to think of them like that. In fact, the only time he'd
ever been able to think of them like that was when she wasn't there.
Still, she certainly cared about him. She was always looking out for
him, never afraid to tell him when he'd screwed up, never afraid to
tease him, but never afraid to express her affection for him, either -
she was so at ease with him. And once he realized why, he'd come to
feel that same ease around her. It was because, biology aside, in
every way that mattered, she was a sister to him.
Not that he'd ever say so out loud, of course. Knowing Nanami's
sibling situation, it was better to just let the sentiment go unvoiced
between them. But from the way she acted around him, he knew she
understood.
And then there was his reason for being here. Ifurita. The woman he
truly...
Makoto paused, suddenly.
As a consequence of the way they had bonded, on the plane of the soul,
he realized he'd never actually articulated his feelings for Ifurita in
words. Nor had she spoken of any for him. There hadn't been any need
to. When together, they'd been able to feel the emotions within each
other just as clearly as their own.
When she'd gone, he'd kept those feelings inside as much as he could,
trying to keep that special bond alive where it had been before. As
such, he'd never said anything about them out loud. In fact, he'd
never even thought it in words. It had always been a feeling.
His analytical mind pondered something. He was reasonably certain he'd
never actually been in love before he met Ifurita. He'd had crushes on
several girls, including - including, embarrassingly, a girl he now
realized he saw as a sister - but if he'd never felt full romantic love
that identified itself as such, how did he know the bond he felt was, in
fact, that?
Because, he decided, identification is not definition. He knew what
his feelings were because of what they prompted him to do, and to do
above all.
Makoto looked around his cluttered lab. Well, he'd done it, hadn't he?
Shut himself up in here for... how long was it, anyway? Probably too
long. He couldn't even calculate a simple quintuple-dimensional
derivative without his mind wandering anymore.
Makoto knew why he was thinking like this. He'd been holed up in the
lab so often of late, he was missing all of them. They were each an
important part of his life, so much that he missed them all, even after
a few days of seclusion.
Yet the one that tugged at him the most was the one he'd known the
least amount of time. The one that had appeared in his thoughts these
last few nights long before thoughts of any other had come to him.
Springing from no discernable chain of logic whatsoever.
Qawool Towles.
The others were his friends. Cherished and important to him, yes, but
he could live apart from them for a while, concentrate on other
matters. But Qawool...
There was something different about Qawool.
He'd felt it the moment he first saw her. He'd barely registered the
sight of her, adrift in the river, before he'd been in motion. He'd
pulled her out, gotten her damp clothes off and gotten her dry without
even thinking about what he was doing. It only occurred to him much
later, when she was covered in the blanket he'd found, that he'd seen
her completely naked.
Then, he had been embarrassed. Very. Embarrassed.
But, he realized, he would do it again just the same. There was
something about her, something that made him want to keep her from
harm. To hold on to her and to keep her safe. It was like nothing
he'd ever felt before, not even when Ifurita had been here.
Ifurita's pain had brought him pain. But it was a shared pain, and in
sharing it with one another had come a shared strength, the strength to
survive it. It made the pain tolerable.
Qawool's pain, though, was something he could not tolerate. He would
take it onto himself if necessary, all of it, even if he knew it would
destroy him. He would die rather than see her hurt.
When that being, the Great Priest of Dimensions or whatever he'd called
himself, had offered Ifurita's safety in exchange for allowing him to
break free, and destroy Cretaria in the process, Makoto had felt it
then. Ifurita had been there, some part of her, a small sliver of her
soul brought onto the astral plane through the Priest's powers. Makoto
had been in agony, feeling the loneliness she felt as she waited for
him on Earth. The pain had nearly crushed him.
But that piece of her had supported him. They had touched each other's
minds, however briefly. Not enough for any words to be spoken, just
enough for her to let him know it was all right and for him to promise
he would find her someday. Enough to help him to his feet once more.
When he'd awoken, Qawool had been there, and it had come to him like a
lightning bolt. If Cretaria were destroyed, she would die. And
suddenly there was no doubt in his mind. He would endure the same
torture the Priest had put him through a million times before he would
allow this girl to come to harm.
He felt the same way today. If anything, he felt it more strongly as
time went on. These days she was always in the back of his mind. He'd
wonder where she was, what she was doing right now, if she was all
right. Sometimes it seemed the only time he was truly at peace anymore
was when he held her in his arms.
Which, he just now realized, happened quite a lot. He'd never really
thought about it when it was happening. The only times he ever gave it
a second thought was when Nanami interrupted, and he worried she might
get the wrong idea.
The wrong idea? Makoto didn't even know what the right idea was. All
he knew was, Qawool was fast becoming the most important person in this
palace to him, and he didn't even know why.
***
Qawool knew exactly where Makoto would be at this hour of night.
Everyone in the palace knew.
She'd heard the story dozens of times since she'd come to live there,
and a hundred more before that. The story of how Makoto Mizuhara risked
his life against the Bugrom forces and the Demon God Ifurita they'd
enslaved. How the power of his compassion had freed her from their
control. How the two of them had stood together and saved Roshtaria
from the Phantom Tribe. And how they were tragically separated at the
end of their adventure, after only a scant few days together.
They said Makoto now spent every free hour in his private laboratory in
the Floristica Palace, trying to find his way back to her. They said
one day, perhaps years from now, perhaps tomorrow, he would rescue his
beloved Ifurita. They said they would return to El-Hazard, and live
happily ever after together, content in their undying love.
It was a story she never tired of hearing, for all the wonderful things
it said about him, though the ending gave her considerable pause.
He would be in the laboratory then. No one else ever seemed to visit
him there, and for that she was glad. Not that she didn't love the
others' company, far from it. But the prospect of being alone with him
and having his undivided attention, even for the briefest time, was so
wonderful to her.
But she wouldn't, really. No matter how much attention he paid Qawool,
a small part of him would be elsewhere, with her. Not for the first
time, she wondered if, perhaps, there was a way to bring that small
part back. If Qawool could get him to stop loving her, maybe he would
decide to leave her behind and then... and then he might...
But he wouldn't. Even if Qawool could somehow make him stop loving
her, which she had on good authority would be impossible, he would
still try and save her. He would bring her back. And once together,
she knew they would rekindle their love, and then... All would go on as
she knew it must.
And she couldn't stand in the way of it. As much as she wanted to, as
much as it ate at her insides to let him, she couldn't. It was his
decision, she had no right to influence him. It was his life.
Besides, could she really influence him? She'd never been very good at
persuading people of anything, that was more of Nanami's way. And
she'd told Qawool no matter what she'd done to persuade him to at least
take some time off from his endeavor, he'd soon be back at work again.
Of course, her motives weren't as selfless as she sometimes claimed...
but then, Qawool was in no position to talk.
Nanami was in love with him. That had certainly surprised Qawool when
she'd first realized it, but she knew the older girl would get over him
in time. She had an inner strength Qawool envied. Qawool wished she
had strength like that, it would make being at the palace with him so
much easier. It would help her to squelch the confession that every so
often came dangerously close to coming out when she saw him.
He made her so happy there weren't any words for it. When she needed
help, he was there for her. When she was in danger, he protected her.
He even sometimes protected her when she might not have needed it,
because he cared too much to take the chance. He cared about her so
much, and he didn't even know.
Sometimes, she fantasized about telling him. She knew he wouldn't
push her away, or hurt her in any way. He would still care about her,
just as much as ever. But she also knew what it would do to him to
know, and not to be able to do anything about it...
Or maybe he would. Maybe he would give up on his dreams of rescuing
his beloved Ifurita, throw away all the work he'd been doing, abandon
the woman he loved to die...
She knew he wouldn't do that. Never. And she knew she couldn't let it
happen even if he could.
But, Gods, what it would cost her...
Was it right of her to keep this from him? If it was his life, his
choice, was it right of her to deny him the opportunity to change his
mind? Or was she just trying to justify herself, to make it okay to do
what she wanted to?
Qawool didn't know. Whenever Qawool needed advice, or a sympathetic
ear, these days, there was only one person she went to. And that alone
ruled out asking him about this.
Resolved not to breathe a word of it, she went to his laboratory. She
just wanted to lose herself in the joy of being with him for a while,
to not think about anything else. She knocked on the door a few times
before tentatively easing it open to peek inside. "Master Makoto?" she
asked quietly. Too quietly to be heard by him as he sat at a large,
cluttered table facing away from her. She tried again. "Master
Makoto?"
"Hm?" Makoto turned and saw her, smiling almost instantly. "Qawool, I
was just thinking about you. What brings you here?"
Qawool glanced down, slightly embarrassed. "I was lonely."
"I know the feeling," Makoto said. "Maybe we can help each other out,
there." He patted his hand down on the bench just beside him.
Qawool entered gladly and sat beside him. She looked at the
indecipherable equations on the parchment before him. "What's this,
Master Makoto?"
"Oh, this?" Makoto said, remembering his erstwhile quest for the five-
dimensional derivative. "I was just trying to calibrate for the
dimensional drift of large bodies in a non-linear environment. It's
nothing to get excited about, really."
Qawool was enthralled. "That's amazing, Master Makoto. You know so
much about these things. I couldn't even begin to understand this."
"Hey, now don't sell yourself short, Qawool. I'm sure you could if you
really wanted to."
"Do you... do you truly think so?"
"Of course. I could teach you if you like. I mean, if you were really
interested." He looked around the cluttered, yet very empty-seeming
laboratory. "It wouldn't be too bad to have an assistant around here,
actually. For the company, if nothing else."
"I would be honored to help you, Master Makoto. But I don't think
this..." she looked at the various symbols on the page.
"I understand," Makoto said, not sounding the least bit disappointed
with her. He looked back at the page for a moment, then smiled. "I'm
glad you came."
"You are?"
"Yeah. Nobody ever does. They don't want to bother me while I'm at
work, I bet. But the truth is half the time I'm just in here worrying
about things, not getting anything done, like tonight. I just kind of
sit here and wish I had somebody I could talk to. So thanks for coming
to visit me. I really appreciate it."
"It's the least I could do, after everything you've done for me, and
for others," Qawool said, head bowed, "And besides that, I came here
because I was lonely-"
"Are you still?" he asked, curious.
"No, of course not," she said, as if that was a very silly question.
"Good," Makoto said cheerfully, "Then I've finally managed to do
something constructive tonight. And I have you to thank for that."
Qawool blushed, "You're very kind."
Makoto thought about that and sighed. "No, I'm not. I spend all day
in here, trying to work out things in my head while Sensei and Miz take
care of their baby, and Nanami runs her restaurant, and you and Afura
and Shayla all deal with your priestess business... I should be helping
you out more. Some friend I am to you all."
"Master Makoto, that isn't true!" Qawool said vehemently. "You are the
kindest person I've ever known. In... in fact, the truth is, nice
people, like you, are the kind of people I like most. I've always
hoped to find someone as kind as that, for myself. Someone like you."
"Well, I'm sure there's someone like me out there for you," Makoto said
cheerfully. "You'll find them someday."
"Just as you will find your Ifurita," Qawool said, a trace of sadness
in her voice.
Makoto Mizuhara would freely admit that he'd never been very good at
reading people. For years he'd watched in near awe as Nanami
interpreted people's inflection, word choice and body language,
recognizing instantly when they were saying something other than what
they spoke, and wondered how or if he could ever do it himself. Even
to this day, no matter how hard he tried, he was at best an amateur in
the field.
Except with Qawool. There was that something about her, that something
he didn't understand, that made him watch her more closely than anyone
else. Close enough that he could always see when something was
troubling her. Like now.
"Qawool, you aren't scared of her, are you?" he asked gently. "I know
the legends you must have heard were... less than kind, but I promise
you Ifurita is a wonderful person-"
"Oh, no, I know she is, Master Makoto," Qawool hurried to say. "And I
know that finding her again would make you very happy, it... I know
miss her very much."
"Yes," Makoto reflected, a bit sadly, "I do."
"You truly love her, don't you?" Qawool said after a moment, much of
her energy now faded from her.
"Yes, I do..." Makoto looked at her curiously. "You know," he
realized, "I think you're the first person who's actually ever asked me
that."
"It... it's important to me to know," she said furtively. "Because...
it's important to you," she shifted slightly in her seat, "And you are
important to me."
Makoto smiled. "Thank you, Qawool. You're important to me, too."
The bright feeling within Qawool at that moment was almost too much for
her to bear. She made no effort to hide her smile. She was too busy
fighting to keep the words she suddenly wanted to speak down. What was
wrong with her tonight? Usually she felt free to express her affection,
because she knew she could constrain it before she accidentally said
anything that might complicate things between them. But tonight, it
was just so difficult. She had to keep a tight rein on her words.
She shouldn't have visited him here, she knew that now. Not here,
where he was in the middle of his rescue efforts. Anywhere else, and
Qawool would have been fine, but to see him here, to know that this was
where he spent his nights, working contentedly at the very thing she
knew would take him from her... It was too much.
"Can I ask you a question, Master Makoto?" her voice asked before her
mind could object, "Are you truly dedicated to finding her? Are you
sure it's... worth, everything?"
"I've asked myself that sometimes," Makoto said honestly, considering
his lab. "I spend so much time in here, sometimes I think I might lose
touch with the people who mean the most to me." He looked to the Power
Key Staff where it rested on the center of the table. "But the
alternative is unthinkable."
"The Lady Ifurita would want you to do... what's right for you,
wouldn't she?" Qawool asked. "If, she truly loves you?" Oh no, what
was she doing? He should hate her for even thinking that!
But he didn't. If anything, he actually looked more at ease. "I know
that she would. And this," he looked around his lab, "Is what is right
for me. To leave her, after everything she did for us, after everything
she did for _me_... I could never do that."
Of course he couldn't! How could she have asked him such a thing?!
But... how could she not?
"Are you okay?" Makoto asked, sensing she was still troubled by
something.
"Do you truly love her, Master Makoto?" Qawool asked falteringly,
looking him in the eyes. "Do you care for her as much as... as they
say? Would you... Would you really give anything to be with her, even
for a little while?"
Makoto paused, a trace of pain flickering through his eyes. "Anything
that was mine to give," he answered quietly.
Qawool's eyes widened in realization. "Oh, Master Makoto, I'm sorry.
I'd forgotten what Alujah... what he did to you..."
"'Alujah'?" Makoto repeated, confusion taking the place of the painful
memory. "Well, yeah, come to think of it, he did call himself that
once. Usually it was just 'The Great God Who Controls Dimensions' or
something..."
"I have a good memory for names," Qawool said quickly, "You must have
mentioned it to me once."
Makoto was a little puzzled. Well, of course he must have. She wasn't
there when he'd introduced himself. How else would she know?
"Well, speaking of names," Makoto said, letting the matter drop, "Do
you think you could do something for me?"
Qawool nodded. It would be a relief to speak of something else. "I
would be honored to help you in any way that I can, Master Makoto."
"Then couldja stop calling me 'Master'?" he grinned, "Just 'Makoto' is
fine."
Qawool's jaw dropped nearly enough to disconnect from her head. "I...
But... Miss Alielle calls you that, too..."
"I know. I asked her to stop, too."
"And, you remained on good terms with her, even though she chose to
keep doing so?" Qawool asked uneasily.
"Well, sure. Why?"
Qawool's tone was formal now, and very forced. "Because, I would much
rather prefer, if it's all the same to you, that I do the same," she
answered.
Now Makoto was very puzzled. "Qawool, you're my friend. I think of
you as an equal. Heck, you're the Great Priestess of Water, I should
probably be calling you by a title-"
"I appreciate your kindness," Qawool gulped, not meeting his eyes, "Far
more than I can put into words. But I... I can't think of you as..."
her voice was nearly breaking, "It's difficult enough... to only call
you Master, I-"
Qawool was agitated, he realized, almost to the point of tears. Makoto
reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder, startling her silent.
"It's okay," he said, soothing her, "It was only a suggestion. You can
call me 'Master' if you really want to."
She looked up at him hesitantly. "Thank you, Master Makoto."
"Anything for you, Great Priestess Qawool," he answered with a smile.
The slight smile that had been threatening at the sides of her mouth
upended itself into a frown. "May I make another request, Master
Makoto? Could you please not call me that?"
"Why not?"
"I don't... I don't want you to see me as only my position."
"I don't," Makoto assured her, "I see you as someone who's incredibly
talented enough to have gained that position."
"Master Makoto..." she asked, almost fearful, "Is that, the reason
you're fond of me? Because of my powers?"
"No, of course not," Makoto said, surprised, "I mean, well... They're
more like an example. You must have worked very hard to develop them-"
Qawool shook her head sadly. "My affinity for the water, the skill I
have in wielding it... it isn't exactly natural to me, but it required
little tutelage. That's one of the reasons I was given my position
above all the other candidates."
"It sounds like you were a natural, then," Makoto said, trying to cheer
her up.
Clearly, he failed. Qawool's head drooped, matching the expression in
her eyes. "The truth is, the others were far more qualified than I...
They might not have had the skills that I did, but, that isn't the main
qualification..."
"Well, you must have met the main qualification, whatever it is, or
they wouldn't have given you the job."
"No," she said shamefully, like an admission of guilt. "I convinced
them that I was completely dedicated to the Order. But, the truth is,
though I truly do believe in it... I have other concerns as well." A
part of her realized what she was about to say; a part of her that was
too weak to stop the rest. "I have other dedications that supercede
it. I lied to them, Master Makoto. I'm... a much better liar than I
appear to be." It was all coming out now, she couldn't stop it. "I
hide things, very important things, every day... I lie to people I care
about... about what I really... about how I..."
"What do you mean?" Makoto asked, confused.
She caught herself. She couldn't tell him what she really meant by
that, she couldn't. She continued, carefully, "I have always revered
the Holy Order of Mount Muldoon, but... That isn't why I joined the
Seminary. One is supposed to become a Priestess out of devotion to the
teachings, and the practices of the Order. But I did so for... selfish
reasons. I've tried to atone, to become worthy of the trust they
placed in me. I swear to you, I have tried..."
In a way, it all made a sort of sense to Makoto. Qawool was always the
most dedicated to her position as Priestess, yet the most doubtful of
her own abilities. It was as though she felt she didn't deserve the
job.
"You've done a great job," Makoto reassured her. "They say you're the
most skilled Water Priestess in centuries."
"It isn't a matter of skill, it's a matter of what is in my heart,"
Qawool said despondently. "And even now, no matter how hard I try, all
I truly care for is myself, my own interests-"
"I find that hard to believe," Makoto said.
Well of course he did, Qawool reflected. He didn't know the real
reason she'd wanted to come to Floristica, to walk freely within its
palace. He didn't know that, even now, she cared more about him than
she did about her position as a Priestess.
"Qawool," he said, taking her hand and looking into her sad, surprised
eyes, "You are one of the bravest and most selfless people I know.
Why, you risked your life to seal the Eye of God in Cretaria all by
yourself."
"I was trying to be worthy, to make up for... And, it was a rash
action, Lady Afura said I shouldn't have..."
"What about Fatora? You saved her from that Bugrom, in spite of your
fears."
"I wasn't thinking then!" she protested, "If I had been thinking I
would have been too terrified-"
"Exactly. Without thinking, without even needing a reason, acting
purely on your own personal instincts, you acted to help someone in
need. Because of what's in here," he tapped the center of her chest
lightly, "In your heart."
Tears formed at the base of her eyes. "But... I still... care for
myself..." she said weakly.
"There's nothing wrong with that. Caring about other people doesn't
mean you can't care about yourself as well. It just means you care
about one more person." He smiled at her. "I am certain your heart is
big enough for that."
Qawool choked, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I... I love you, Master
Makoto," she said without even thinking, "I love you dearly..."
Makoto thought, for the barest fraction of a second, that he should
feel awkward. But, he noticed, he didn't. As far as he could tell,
that was the most natural thing in the world for her to say.
"I love you too, Qawool." He'd said it before he realized his mouth
was moving.
She looked at him, smiling though her tears, and threw herself into his
arms once more.
This felt right also, Makoto realized, holding her. He still didn't
know why he felt the urge - no, the need do this. But it didn't
matter. His heart said that it was right. Holding her in his arms,
telling her everything was all right, caring for her. This was exactly
what he should be doing.
Qawool felt so safe here. She never wanted to leave. She wanted to
stay right here and make things go on like this forever.
But she couldn't. It wasn't her place. She didn't belong here.
She had to let him go back to his quest. Let him do what she knew must
be done. The legendary Makoto Mizuhara would rescue the legendary
Ifurita and all would be as it must be. She had to get out of the way.
She had to leave. She had to. She had to let him go.
But... but it felt so SAFE here...
"I... I don't want to go..." she whimpered in spite of herself.
"Then stay," Makoto whispered, still holding her.
And for a while, she did. Enjoying the feeling of warmth, the
feeling of safety, but most of all the feeling of simply being with
him.
***
Makoto had held her like that for what felt like an hour without tiring
of it. Qawool had, however, in that she'd fallen asleep in his arms.
Gently, he'd managed to pick her up and carry her back to her room.
He'd lain her down in her bed and pulled the covers up around her, then
quietly slipped away, lest he accidentally rouse her.
The rest of the night in the lab was fairly productive. He felt
reinvigorated, somehow. He'd worked for hours before finally turning
in.
When he awoke, late in the morning, he'd gone for breakfast, only to
learn Qawool had awoken either. As he and Fatora were the only ones on
hand, Princess Rune had asked if he could look in on her.
He had, but her room was empty. Thinking she must have just gotten up
as well, he'd prepared to leave, when he'd noticed an envelope on
Qawool's nightstand that he was certain hadn't been there last night.
On closer inspection, he found his name written on it.
He opened the envelope, removing a long, handwritten letter. He read
the beginning, and then quickly flicked through it, hoping it might
help him to understand what this meant.
It did, but then he had to go back, and read the entire letter through.
He read it twice, trying to absorb everything it told him.
And after that he sat down on the bed in the room formerly occupied by
Qawool, a room he doubted would ever be so occupied again, and thought
about what to do next.
He thought about that for a very long time.
***
Dear Master Makoto,
Please don't be upset when you find this letter. If I could tell you
this in person I would, but I can't. I have to leave, today, before I
see you again.
This time with you, and the others, has made me happier than you'll
ever know. Everyone has made me feel so welcome, so at home here. But
this isn't my home, not really. This isn't where I belong.
I have a family back home, and friends whom I love very much. I
believed that as long as I remembered them, remembered that they were
waiting for me, I would have to return one day. But as much as I love
them, I know I can live apart from them. Last night I realized that if
I don't leave today, I'll never be able to leave you.
I love you too much.
I've been lying to you, all of you. I told myself I had to, that it
was in everyone's best interests - it hurt so much each time I did it,
but, I did it. Whenever it was necessary. I'm so sorry for this.
Please, tell the others I'm sorry also. I hope that when I explain
myself, you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.
But there's something else I have to tell you first, before I explain.
I did something far worse than lying. I was the one - I was responsible
for -
I brought Alujah here. That was how I knew what he calls himself.
It's an Ancient word - it means 'Ruler of all creation'. He wasn't
always Alujah. He was a person once, like you or me. He wasn't a very
nice person even then, but I always believed there was good in him.
Over the years he - he changed. He changed himself. He did things to
himself, altered himself - I'd really prefer not to think about it.
I didn't mean to bring him here, I swear to you. But, it is my own
impatience that is to blame. He learned I was going to see you,
somehow. He came after me, waited until I was leaving and followed. I
was so eager to begin my journey, I wasn't paying attention. By the
time I realized he was following me it was too late. I closed the
vortex before he could arrive. I thought it would send him back
through to the other side. But instead he got stuck, and then he
For what he did to all of you, and what he did to you especially Master
Makoto, I am deeply sorry.
What I'm about to write next might change everything, I know that. I
don't know if you should read it. I don't know whether your reading it
could change things, or whether you did read it and that's what made
things happen as they did, and your not reading it might change things,
or
All I know is I have to write it, even if you don't read it. I can't
leave knowing I've denied you the truth.
So here goes.
I came back in time to meet you. I guess that's really what anybody
from my time would have done if they could. You're very famous where I
come from. Your name is in a lot of books. I heard all about you when
I was growing up from people who'd never even met you. Not a lot of
people had, they said. They talked about you as a recluse a lot. They
had a name for you. I think it was 'the hidden genius'. But I also
heard that you were very kind. I can't tell you how happy it made me
when I found out which story was true.
I guess you probably figured out what you're famous for. You did it,
Master Makoto. You unlocked the secrets of the Eye of God. I'm not
going to tell you when or how, I don't want to risk any more than I
have to. The truth is I don't think I understand it well enough to
explain it if I wanted to. But you did it. You found a way to travel
in time and space using the Eye, and you used it. You used it to bring
her back.
I've been looking at this part of the page I'm writing on now for half
an hour now, and I still don't know how to continue. I'm just going to
write it down, all at once.
There's something you overlooked. There is a way to travel through
space and time using the Eye of God, but there are certain - energies
in between dimensions. They're different from anything in normal
space. They react differently. What they do - it doesn't make a lot
of sense to me. If you're only cast adrift, like you were when you
were sent here, there's a very good chance they won't affect you. But
if you focus the energies, to control where or when you go, the body is
exposed to - radiations, you could call them. When the body is exposed
to them for even a moment they
It's fatal, Master Makoto. That's why no time travelers have come back
to meet you before. They banned it. Sealed off the Eye of God
forever. At worst, the traveler is killed instantly, before they even
complete the trip. At best, they start to get sick within days. They
just get sicker and sicker, wasting away until
The tests that they conducted later said that the best any human or El-
Hazardian could last would be three years. Even the Bugrom are
vulnerable. After you bring her back you
You lasted one year. They said you should have died sooner but
That's why I came back to now, to before you figured it out. You left
right after you did it, and I didn't want to see
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn
After I arrived here I spent a year at the Seminary. I knew Lady Miz
would be stepping down this year, so I trained as a Water Priestess. I
knew that if I could be the new Priestess of Water I'd be sent to the
Palace, and I'd be sure to meet you. I could stay there, be with you,
for as long as I wanted to. I wanted that so badly.
Please, tell everyone I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I abused the
Order, I'm sorry I took a position I shouldn't have had. It was wrong
of me to use it for such selfish purposes, but I hope I've redeemed
myself, however slightly, through my actions as a Priestess. I pray
that I have.
All that time at the Seminary, waiting to meet you, I was so afraid. I
was afraid that the ones who said you were cold and guarded were
telling the truth, that it was a truth the others just didn't want to
admit. I was afraid that if you found out what I'd done to see you,
you would hate me for it - I promised myself I'd never let you know.
Or maybe you would hate me for some other reason - something I'd
never even considered. I thought of every thing about myself that you
might hate - I tried to correct them before we met. But I still feared
I'd forget or make some mistake, and I'd lose you. That terrified me
almost the worst - finally finding you and then losing you because of
something I'd done.
What scared me most, though, was that you might simply ignore me. That
it would all be for nothing. That I would never even have you to begin
with.
But it wasn't like that at all. The first time I saw you... It was so
strange, and I wasn't sure at first what was happening, but, I felt so
safe there. And very, very nervous. I didn't know what you were going
to say, or how you'd react. I didn't know anything.
And all you wanted to do was take care of me. You were so kind. You'd
never seen me before, you had no idea who I was, and yet you'd saved
me, looked after me. I wanted to get up and hug you right then and
never let go. But I was still nervous. I remembered to keep up the
act. I couldn't ever let you know what I'd done.
I couldn't let anyone know. I was terrified of someone finding out
what I knew I had done. I was a liar, and a thief, and I didn't
deserve to ever see you, but here you were. I was so scared of anyone
finding me out, I couldn't have told you the truth if I wanted to. You
didn't even know I recognized you.
I had to do the same for everyone else that I recognized, even though I
knew each and every one of them by heart. But by then, it was easy. I
was so happy, because I was with you, finally, and everyone else was so
kind
And then Alujah came back. The - the thing he replaced his body with,
used the energies in the vortex to push open another random portal and
I should have prepared better before coming here. I know that now.
Perhaps I never shouldn't have come back at all. I tricked Thyla -
she's the Water Priestess in my time - into fighting me. Then I found a
way to unseal the Eye and activated it
And Alujah came. With the bugs.
In the future, we have a treaty with the Bugrom. The new queen is
sympathetic to us. She's purged all the warlike elements from their
society. We have peace. It's wonderful, but - there aren't a lot of
jobs for the Bugrom in Roshtaria, so those that live there have to work
as hired labor. Alujah had hired some to come with him when he came
after me - he should have known they wouldn't survive - maybe he did,
but, he brought them anyway, and
Everyone knows the Bugrom language where I'm from. I know what they
were screaming when they died.
At the Seminary, I would have nightmares. That they were coming for
me. That they blamed me. Because it was my fault. It was my idea to
go back that had killed them. Every time I see an insect I think it's
one of them, returned to take revenge
When I told you I was afraid of bugs since before I was born, I wasn't
lying.
But I know what you would tell me, now. You would tell me they can't
hurt me. You would tell me it was an accident. That I was not to
blame. And I think, if I try hard enough, I can believe that someday.
I promise I will try. For you.
They couldn't have survived the trip. No human or El-Hazardian or
Bugrom can. As for Alujah - there's so little of Katsuhiko Jinnai left
in him, he's not really human anymore. And I survived, because of the
same reason I could absorb Thyla's skills. The same reason I could
synchronize with the components of the Eye after it sent me here.
I'm half demon god.
I have to leave now. Don't worry about Alujah. When I go back I'll
bring him home with me. He's no threat in my time. We have the means
to deal with him by then. Please tell Lady Miz that I'm sorry for
taking a position I did not truly deserve. Please tell Parnasse to
keep himself out of trouble for me. And please tell everyone that I'm
sorry for having lied to them. I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone. I
pray that I have not.
Thank you for everything, Master Makoto. Thank you for caring about
me, and for believing in me. Thank you for everything you've taught
me. But most of all, thank you for being more than I ever dared to
dream you would.
I will carry you in my heart always.
Your loving daughter,
Qawool Mizuhara
P.S.
Mother is fine.
---
El-Hazard was created by Hiroki Hayashi and Ryoe Tsurimura and is the
property of AIC and Pioneer Entertainment.
by Eponymous
Makoto was unable to piece together the chain of logic that had led him
from trying to calculate the derivative of pi over the geothermal
output threshold in five dimensions to thinking about the women in his
life.
It did make sense, though, if somewhere along the lines he'd started
out thinking about his life, given that there were so many women in it.
This was hardly surprising for a resident of El-Hazard, where according
to the last royal census the population was nearly 70 percent female.
His own personal experience certainly bore out that figure. Outside of
Sensei and Dr. Sctalubaugh, he couldn't think of a single male in his
circle of friends. Not since Londs retired, anyhow. Funny how he'd
never given the matter much thought until now... Then again, maybe
it wasn't. He couldn't see any great significance to it, really. It
was just another of the myriad bits of trivia that came to mind instead
of the answer to the problem before him.
Still, since there didn't seem to be any such answer forthcoming, he
speculated on the matter some more. It seemed to him that all his
friends within even a stone's throw of his age range were female.
Princess Rune, Alielle, Afura, Shayla... but then again, was Shayla his
friend? He worried about that sometimes.
He liked Shayla, but he didn't really know her very well. She rarely
spoke more than three sentences to him, most of them stammered. That
was probably his fault, he reflected. The circumstances of their
meeting had been strained, and though she'd gone out of her way to be
civil to him afterwards, he got the feeling it was a little forced.
Thanking someone for the same thing fifteen consecutive times had to be
a hint or something.
In truth, between her stammered, forced greetings and the way she stood
on diplomacy like that, Makoto sometimes wondered if she really liked
him at all.
Nanami, on the other hand, was probably his closest friend in the
world, and the person he understood best. He'd known her most all his
life, ever since his family moved to Shinonome while he was in pre-
school. They'd gotten along from the start, even when other kids their
age were avoiding the opposite gender. As he'd gotten older, that
aspect of their relationship had caused him a great deal of thought.
He'd known their relationship was something special, judging from all
the other boys and girls he knew, but it had taken him forever to
understand just how special it was. For a while, he'd wondered if his
feelings for her weren't romantic. After all, given how close they were,
how much he cared for her already, how well they knew each other, it
wasn't hard to imagine that he'd come to feel that way.
But in coming to El-Hazard, he'd realized something. So long as they
were apart, he'd been able to think of her as 'the girl he left
behind'. But the moment she'd found him again, no matter how happy
they were to see each other - their reunion had brought none of the
passion you'd expect from two people in love. Why was that?
It wasn't like he didn't care about her. He did, very deeply. But
when they were together, he found it impossible, even a little
embarrassing, to think of them like that. In fact, the only time he'd
ever been able to think of them like that was when she wasn't there.
Still, she certainly cared about him. She was always looking out for
him, never afraid to tell him when he'd screwed up, never afraid to
tease him, but never afraid to express her affection for him, either -
she was so at ease with him. And once he realized why, he'd come to
feel that same ease around her. It was because, biology aside, in
every way that mattered, she was a sister to him.
Not that he'd ever say so out loud, of course. Knowing Nanami's
sibling situation, it was better to just let the sentiment go unvoiced
between them. But from the way she acted around him, he knew she
understood.
And then there was his reason for being here. Ifurita. The woman he
truly...
Makoto paused, suddenly.
As a consequence of the way they had bonded, on the plane of the soul,
he realized he'd never actually articulated his feelings for Ifurita in
words. Nor had she spoken of any for him. There hadn't been any need
to. When together, they'd been able to feel the emotions within each
other just as clearly as their own.
When she'd gone, he'd kept those feelings inside as much as he could,
trying to keep that special bond alive where it had been before. As
such, he'd never said anything about them out loud. In fact, he'd
never even thought it in words. It had always been a feeling.
His analytical mind pondered something. He was reasonably certain he'd
never actually been in love before he met Ifurita. He'd had crushes on
several girls, including - including, embarrassingly, a girl he now
realized he saw as a sister - but if he'd never felt full romantic love
that identified itself as such, how did he know the bond he felt was, in
fact, that?
Because, he decided, identification is not definition. He knew what
his feelings were because of what they prompted him to do, and to do
above all.
Makoto looked around his cluttered lab. Well, he'd done it, hadn't he?
Shut himself up in here for... how long was it, anyway? Probably too
long. He couldn't even calculate a simple quintuple-dimensional
derivative without his mind wandering anymore.
Makoto knew why he was thinking like this. He'd been holed up in the
lab so often of late, he was missing all of them. They were each an
important part of his life, so much that he missed them all, even after
a few days of seclusion.
Yet the one that tugged at him the most was the one he'd known the
least amount of time. The one that had appeared in his thoughts these
last few nights long before thoughts of any other had come to him.
Springing from no discernable chain of logic whatsoever.
Qawool Towles.
The others were his friends. Cherished and important to him, yes, but
he could live apart from them for a while, concentrate on other
matters. But Qawool...
There was something different about Qawool.
He'd felt it the moment he first saw her. He'd barely registered the
sight of her, adrift in the river, before he'd been in motion. He'd
pulled her out, gotten her damp clothes off and gotten her dry without
even thinking about what he was doing. It only occurred to him much
later, when she was covered in the blanket he'd found, that he'd seen
her completely naked.
Then, he had been embarrassed. Very. Embarrassed.
But, he realized, he would do it again just the same. There was
something about her, something that made him want to keep her from
harm. To hold on to her and to keep her safe. It was like nothing
he'd ever felt before, not even when Ifurita had been here.
Ifurita's pain had brought him pain. But it was a shared pain, and in
sharing it with one another had come a shared strength, the strength to
survive it. It made the pain tolerable.
Qawool's pain, though, was something he could not tolerate. He would
take it onto himself if necessary, all of it, even if he knew it would
destroy him. He would die rather than see her hurt.
When that being, the Great Priest of Dimensions or whatever he'd called
himself, had offered Ifurita's safety in exchange for allowing him to
break free, and destroy Cretaria in the process, Makoto had felt it
then. Ifurita had been there, some part of her, a small sliver of her
soul brought onto the astral plane through the Priest's powers. Makoto
had been in agony, feeling the loneliness she felt as she waited for
him on Earth. The pain had nearly crushed him.
But that piece of her had supported him. They had touched each other's
minds, however briefly. Not enough for any words to be spoken, just
enough for her to let him know it was all right and for him to promise
he would find her someday. Enough to help him to his feet once more.
When he'd awoken, Qawool had been there, and it had come to him like a
lightning bolt. If Cretaria were destroyed, she would die. And
suddenly there was no doubt in his mind. He would endure the same
torture the Priest had put him through a million times before he would
allow this girl to come to harm.
He felt the same way today. If anything, he felt it more strongly as
time went on. These days she was always in the back of his mind. He'd
wonder where she was, what she was doing right now, if she was all
right. Sometimes it seemed the only time he was truly at peace anymore
was when he held her in his arms.
Which, he just now realized, happened quite a lot. He'd never really
thought about it when it was happening. The only times he ever gave it
a second thought was when Nanami interrupted, and he worried she might
get the wrong idea.
The wrong idea? Makoto didn't even know what the right idea was. All
he knew was, Qawool was fast becoming the most important person in this
palace to him, and he didn't even know why.
***
Qawool knew exactly where Makoto would be at this hour of night.
Everyone in the palace knew.
She'd heard the story dozens of times since she'd come to live there,
and a hundred more before that. The story of how Makoto Mizuhara risked
his life against the Bugrom forces and the Demon God Ifurita they'd
enslaved. How the power of his compassion had freed her from their
control. How the two of them had stood together and saved Roshtaria
from the Phantom Tribe. And how they were tragically separated at the
end of their adventure, after only a scant few days together.
They said Makoto now spent every free hour in his private laboratory in
the Floristica Palace, trying to find his way back to her. They said
one day, perhaps years from now, perhaps tomorrow, he would rescue his
beloved Ifurita. They said they would return to El-Hazard, and live
happily ever after together, content in their undying love.
It was a story she never tired of hearing, for all the wonderful things
it said about him, though the ending gave her considerable pause.
He would be in the laboratory then. No one else ever seemed to visit
him there, and for that she was glad. Not that she didn't love the
others' company, far from it. But the prospect of being alone with him
and having his undivided attention, even for the briefest time, was so
wonderful to her.
But she wouldn't, really. No matter how much attention he paid Qawool,
a small part of him would be elsewhere, with her. Not for the first
time, she wondered if, perhaps, there was a way to bring that small
part back. If Qawool could get him to stop loving her, maybe he would
decide to leave her behind and then... and then he might...
But he wouldn't. Even if Qawool could somehow make him stop loving
her, which she had on good authority would be impossible, he would
still try and save her. He would bring her back. And once together,
she knew they would rekindle their love, and then... All would go on as
she knew it must.
And she couldn't stand in the way of it. As much as she wanted to, as
much as it ate at her insides to let him, she couldn't. It was his
decision, she had no right to influence him. It was his life.
Besides, could she really influence him? She'd never been very good at
persuading people of anything, that was more of Nanami's way. And
she'd told Qawool no matter what she'd done to persuade him to at least
take some time off from his endeavor, he'd soon be back at work again.
Of course, her motives weren't as selfless as she sometimes claimed...
but then, Qawool was in no position to talk.
Nanami was in love with him. That had certainly surprised Qawool when
she'd first realized it, but she knew the older girl would get over him
in time. She had an inner strength Qawool envied. Qawool wished she
had strength like that, it would make being at the palace with him so
much easier. It would help her to squelch the confession that every so
often came dangerously close to coming out when she saw him.
He made her so happy there weren't any words for it. When she needed
help, he was there for her. When she was in danger, he protected her.
He even sometimes protected her when she might not have needed it,
because he cared too much to take the chance. He cared about her so
much, and he didn't even know.
Sometimes, she fantasized about telling him. She knew he wouldn't
push her away, or hurt her in any way. He would still care about her,
just as much as ever. But she also knew what it would do to him to
know, and not to be able to do anything about it...
Or maybe he would. Maybe he would give up on his dreams of rescuing
his beloved Ifurita, throw away all the work he'd been doing, abandon
the woman he loved to die...
She knew he wouldn't do that. Never. And she knew she couldn't let it
happen even if he could.
But, Gods, what it would cost her...
Was it right of her to keep this from him? If it was his life, his
choice, was it right of her to deny him the opportunity to change his
mind? Or was she just trying to justify herself, to make it okay to do
what she wanted to?
Qawool didn't know. Whenever Qawool needed advice, or a sympathetic
ear, these days, there was only one person she went to. And that alone
ruled out asking him about this.
Resolved not to breathe a word of it, she went to his laboratory. She
just wanted to lose herself in the joy of being with him for a while,
to not think about anything else. She knocked on the door a few times
before tentatively easing it open to peek inside. "Master Makoto?" she
asked quietly. Too quietly to be heard by him as he sat at a large,
cluttered table facing away from her. She tried again. "Master
Makoto?"
"Hm?" Makoto turned and saw her, smiling almost instantly. "Qawool, I
was just thinking about you. What brings you here?"
Qawool glanced down, slightly embarrassed. "I was lonely."
"I know the feeling," Makoto said. "Maybe we can help each other out,
there." He patted his hand down on the bench just beside him.
Qawool entered gladly and sat beside him. She looked at the
indecipherable equations on the parchment before him. "What's this,
Master Makoto?"
"Oh, this?" Makoto said, remembering his erstwhile quest for the five-
dimensional derivative. "I was just trying to calibrate for the
dimensional drift of large bodies in a non-linear environment. It's
nothing to get excited about, really."
Qawool was enthralled. "That's amazing, Master Makoto. You know so
much about these things. I couldn't even begin to understand this."
"Hey, now don't sell yourself short, Qawool. I'm sure you could if you
really wanted to."
"Do you... do you truly think so?"
"Of course. I could teach you if you like. I mean, if you were really
interested." He looked around the cluttered, yet very empty-seeming
laboratory. "It wouldn't be too bad to have an assistant around here,
actually. For the company, if nothing else."
"I would be honored to help you, Master Makoto. But I don't think
this..." she looked at the various symbols on the page.
"I understand," Makoto said, not sounding the least bit disappointed
with her. He looked back at the page for a moment, then smiled. "I'm
glad you came."
"You are?"
"Yeah. Nobody ever does. They don't want to bother me while I'm at
work, I bet. But the truth is half the time I'm just in here worrying
about things, not getting anything done, like tonight. I just kind of
sit here and wish I had somebody I could talk to. So thanks for coming
to visit me. I really appreciate it."
"It's the least I could do, after everything you've done for me, and
for others," Qawool said, head bowed, "And besides that, I came here
because I was lonely-"
"Are you still?" he asked, curious.
"No, of course not," she said, as if that was a very silly question.
"Good," Makoto said cheerfully, "Then I've finally managed to do
something constructive tonight. And I have you to thank for that."
Qawool blushed, "You're very kind."
Makoto thought about that and sighed. "No, I'm not. I spend all day
in here, trying to work out things in my head while Sensei and Miz take
care of their baby, and Nanami runs her restaurant, and you and Afura
and Shayla all deal with your priestess business... I should be helping
you out more. Some friend I am to you all."
"Master Makoto, that isn't true!" Qawool said vehemently. "You are the
kindest person I've ever known. In... in fact, the truth is, nice
people, like you, are the kind of people I like most. I've always
hoped to find someone as kind as that, for myself. Someone like you."
"Well, I'm sure there's someone like me out there for you," Makoto said
cheerfully. "You'll find them someday."
"Just as you will find your Ifurita," Qawool said, a trace of sadness
in her voice.
Makoto Mizuhara would freely admit that he'd never been very good at
reading people. For years he'd watched in near awe as Nanami
interpreted people's inflection, word choice and body language,
recognizing instantly when they were saying something other than what
they spoke, and wondered how or if he could ever do it himself. Even
to this day, no matter how hard he tried, he was at best an amateur in
the field.
Except with Qawool. There was that something about her, that something
he didn't understand, that made him watch her more closely than anyone
else. Close enough that he could always see when something was
troubling her. Like now.
"Qawool, you aren't scared of her, are you?" he asked gently. "I know
the legends you must have heard were... less than kind, but I promise
you Ifurita is a wonderful person-"
"Oh, no, I know she is, Master Makoto," Qawool hurried to say. "And I
know that finding her again would make you very happy, it... I know
miss her very much."
"Yes," Makoto reflected, a bit sadly, "I do."
"You truly love her, don't you?" Qawool said after a moment, much of
her energy now faded from her.
"Yes, I do..." Makoto looked at her curiously. "You know," he
realized, "I think you're the first person who's actually ever asked me
that."
"It... it's important to me to know," she said furtively. "Because...
it's important to you," she shifted slightly in her seat, "And you are
important to me."
Makoto smiled. "Thank you, Qawool. You're important to me, too."
The bright feeling within Qawool at that moment was almost too much for
her to bear. She made no effort to hide her smile. She was too busy
fighting to keep the words she suddenly wanted to speak down. What was
wrong with her tonight? Usually she felt free to express her affection,
because she knew she could constrain it before she accidentally said
anything that might complicate things between them. But tonight, it
was just so difficult. She had to keep a tight rein on her words.
She shouldn't have visited him here, she knew that now. Not here,
where he was in the middle of his rescue efforts. Anywhere else, and
Qawool would have been fine, but to see him here, to know that this was
where he spent his nights, working contentedly at the very thing she
knew would take him from her... It was too much.
"Can I ask you a question, Master Makoto?" her voice asked before her
mind could object, "Are you truly dedicated to finding her? Are you
sure it's... worth, everything?"
"I've asked myself that sometimes," Makoto said honestly, considering
his lab. "I spend so much time in here, sometimes I think I might lose
touch with the people who mean the most to me." He looked to the Power
Key Staff where it rested on the center of the table. "But the
alternative is unthinkable."
"The Lady Ifurita would want you to do... what's right for you,
wouldn't she?" Qawool asked. "If, she truly loves you?" Oh no, what
was she doing? He should hate her for even thinking that!
But he didn't. If anything, he actually looked more at ease. "I know
that she would. And this," he looked around his lab, "Is what is right
for me. To leave her, after everything she did for us, after everything
she did for _me_... I could never do that."
Of course he couldn't! How could she have asked him such a thing?!
But... how could she not?
"Are you okay?" Makoto asked, sensing she was still troubled by
something.
"Do you truly love her, Master Makoto?" Qawool asked falteringly,
looking him in the eyes. "Do you care for her as much as... as they
say? Would you... Would you really give anything to be with her, even
for a little while?"
Makoto paused, a trace of pain flickering through his eyes. "Anything
that was mine to give," he answered quietly.
Qawool's eyes widened in realization. "Oh, Master Makoto, I'm sorry.
I'd forgotten what Alujah... what he did to you..."
"'Alujah'?" Makoto repeated, confusion taking the place of the painful
memory. "Well, yeah, come to think of it, he did call himself that
once. Usually it was just 'The Great God Who Controls Dimensions' or
something..."
"I have a good memory for names," Qawool said quickly, "You must have
mentioned it to me once."
Makoto was a little puzzled. Well, of course he must have. She wasn't
there when he'd introduced himself. How else would she know?
"Well, speaking of names," Makoto said, letting the matter drop, "Do
you think you could do something for me?"
Qawool nodded. It would be a relief to speak of something else. "I
would be honored to help you in any way that I can, Master Makoto."
"Then couldja stop calling me 'Master'?" he grinned, "Just 'Makoto' is
fine."
Qawool's jaw dropped nearly enough to disconnect from her head. "I...
But... Miss Alielle calls you that, too..."
"I know. I asked her to stop, too."
"And, you remained on good terms with her, even though she chose to
keep doing so?" Qawool asked uneasily.
"Well, sure. Why?"
Qawool's tone was formal now, and very forced. "Because, I would much
rather prefer, if it's all the same to you, that I do the same," she
answered.
Now Makoto was very puzzled. "Qawool, you're my friend. I think of
you as an equal. Heck, you're the Great Priestess of Water, I should
probably be calling you by a title-"
"I appreciate your kindness," Qawool gulped, not meeting his eyes, "Far
more than I can put into words. But I... I can't think of you as..."
her voice was nearly breaking, "It's difficult enough... to only call
you Master, I-"
Qawool was agitated, he realized, almost to the point of tears. Makoto
reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder, startling her silent.
"It's okay," he said, soothing her, "It was only a suggestion. You can
call me 'Master' if you really want to."
She looked up at him hesitantly. "Thank you, Master Makoto."
"Anything for you, Great Priestess Qawool," he answered with a smile.
The slight smile that had been threatening at the sides of her mouth
upended itself into a frown. "May I make another request, Master
Makoto? Could you please not call me that?"
"Why not?"
"I don't... I don't want you to see me as only my position."
"I don't," Makoto assured her, "I see you as someone who's incredibly
talented enough to have gained that position."
"Master Makoto..." she asked, almost fearful, "Is that, the reason
you're fond of me? Because of my powers?"
"No, of course not," Makoto said, surprised, "I mean, well... They're
more like an example. You must have worked very hard to develop them-"
Qawool shook her head sadly. "My affinity for the water, the skill I
have in wielding it... it isn't exactly natural to me, but it required
little tutelage. That's one of the reasons I was given my position
above all the other candidates."
"It sounds like you were a natural, then," Makoto said, trying to cheer
her up.
Clearly, he failed. Qawool's head drooped, matching the expression in
her eyes. "The truth is, the others were far more qualified than I...
They might not have had the skills that I did, but, that isn't the main
qualification..."
"Well, you must have met the main qualification, whatever it is, or
they wouldn't have given you the job."
"No," she said shamefully, like an admission of guilt. "I convinced
them that I was completely dedicated to the Order. But, the truth is,
though I truly do believe in it... I have other concerns as well." A
part of her realized what she was about to say; a part of her that was
too weak to stop the rest. "I have other dedications that supercede
it. I lied to them, Master Makoto. I'm... a much better liar than I
appear to be." It was all coming out now, she couldn't stop it. "I
hide things, very important things, every day... I lie to people I care
about... about what I really... about how I..."
"What do you mean?" Makoto asked, confused.
She caught herself. She couldn't tell him what she really meant by
that, she couldn't. She continued, carefully, "I have always revered
the Holy Order of Mount Muldoon, but... That isn't why I joined the
Seminary. One is supposed to become a Priestess out of devotion to the
teachings, and the practices of the Order. But I did so for... selfish
reasons. I've tried to atone, to become worthy of the trust they
placed in me. I swear to you, I have tried..."
In a way, it all made a sort of sense to Makoto. Qawool was always the
most dedicated to her position as Priestess, yet the most doubtful of
her own abilities. It was as though she felt she didn't deserve the
job.
"You've done a great job," Makoto reassured her. "They say you're the
most skilled Water Priestess in centuries."
"It isn't a matter of skill, it's a matter of what is in my heart,"
Qawool said despondently. "And even now, no matter how hard I try, all
I truly care for is myself, my own interests-"
"I find that hard to believe," Makoto said.
Well of course he did, Qawool reflected. He didn't know the real
reason she'd wanted to come to Floristica, to walk freely within its
palace. He didn't know that, even now, she cared more about him than
she did about her position as a Priestess.
"Qawool," he said, taking her hand and looking into her sad, surprised
eyes, "You are one of the bravest and most selfless people I know.
Why, you risked your life to seal the Eye of God in Cretaria all by
yourself."
"I was trying to be worthy, to make up for... And, it was a rash
action, Lady Afura said I shouldn't have..."
"What about Fatora? You saved her from that Bugrom, in spite of your
fears."
"I wasn't thinking then!" she protested, "If I had been thinking I
would have been too terrified-"
"Exactly. Without thinking, without even needing a reason, acting
purely on your own personal instincts, you acted to help someone in
need. Because of what's in here," he tapped the center of her chest
lightly, "In your heart."
Tears formed at the base of her eyes. "But... I still... care for
myself..." she said weakly.
"There's nothing wrong with that. Caring about other people doesn't
mean you can't care about yourself as well. It just means you care
about one more person." He smiled at her. "I am certain your heart is
big enough for that."
Qawool choked, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I... I love you, Master
Makoto," she said without even thinking, "I love you dearly..."
Makoto thought, for the barest fraction of a second, that he should
feel awkward. But, he noticed, he didn't. As far as he could tell,
that was the most natural thing in the world for her to say.
"I love you too, Qawool." He'd said it before he realized his mouth
was moving.
She looked at him, smiling though her tears, and threw herself into his
arms once more.
This felt right also, Makoto realized, holding her. He still didn't
know why he felt the urge - no, the need do this. But it didn't
matter. His heart said that it was right. Holding her in his arms,
telling her everything was all right, caring for her. This was exactly
what he should be doing.
Qawool felt so safe here. She never wanted to leave. She wanted to
stay right here and make things go on like this forever.
But she couldn't. It wasn't her place. She didn't belong here.
She had to let him go back to his quest. Let him do what she knew must
be done. The legendary Makoto Mizuhara would rescue the legendary
Ifurita and all would be as it must be. She had to get out of the way.
She had to leave. She had to. She had to let him go.
But... but it felt so SAFE here...
"I... I don't want to go..." she whimpered in spite of herself.
"Then stay," Makoto whispered, still holding her.
And for a while, she did. Enjoying the feeling of warmth, the
feeling of safety, but most of all the feeling of simply being with
him.
***
Makoto had held her like that for what felt like an hour without tiring
of it. Qawool had, however, in that she'd fallen asleep in his arms.
Gently, he'd managed to pick her up and carry her back to her room.
He'd lain her down in her bed and pulled the covers up around her, then
quietly slipped away, lest he accidentally rouse her.
The rest of the night in the lab was fairly productive. He felt
reinvigorated, somehow. He'd worked for hours before finally turning
in.
When he awoke, late in the morning, he'd gone for breakfast, only to
learn Qawool had awoken either. As he and Fatora were the only ones on
hand, Princess Rune had asked if he could look in on her.
He had, but her room was empty. Thinking she must have just gotten up
as well, he'd prepared to leave, when he'd noticed an envelope on
Qawool's nightstand that he was certain hadn't been there last night.
On closer inspection, he found his name written on it.
He opened the envelope, removing a long, handwritten letter. He read
the beginning, and then quickly flicked through it, hoping it might
help him to understand what this meant.
It did, but then he had to go back, and read the entire letter through.
He read it twice, trying to absorb everything it told him.
And after that he sat down on the bed in the room formerly occupied by
Qawool, a room he doubted would ever be so occupied again, and thought
about what to do next.
He thought about that for a very long time.
***
Dear Master Makoto,
Please don't be upset when you find this letter. If I could tell you
this in person I would, but I can't. I have to leave, today, before I
see you again.
This time with you, and the others, has made me happier than you'll
ever know. Everyone has made me feel so welcome, so at home here. But
this isn't my home, not really. This isn't where I belong.
I have a family back home, and friends whom I love very much. I
believed that as long as I remembered them, remembered that they were
waiting for me, I would have to return one day. But as much as I love
them, I know I can live apart from them. Last night I realized that if
I don't leave today, I'll never be able to leave you.
I love you too much.
I've been lying to you, all of you. I told myself I had to, that it
was in everyone's best interests - it hurt so much each time I did it,
but, I did it. Whenever it was necessary. I'm so sorry for this.
Please, tell the others I'm sorry also. I hope that when I explain
myself, you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.
But there's something else I have to tell you first, before I explain.
I did something far worse than lying. I was the one - I was responsible
for -
I brought Alujah here. That was how I knew what he calls himself.
It's an Ancient word - it means 'Ruler of all creation'. He wasn't
always Alujah. He was a person once, like you or me. He wasn't a very
nice person even then, but I always believed there was good in him.
Over the years he - he changed. He changed himself. He did things to
himself, altered himself - I'd really prefer not to think about it.
I didn't mean to bring him here, I swear to you. But, it is my own
impatience that is to blame. He learned I was going to see you,
somehow. He came after me, waited until I was leaving and followed. I
was so eager to begin my journey, I wasn't paying attention. By the
time I realized he was following me it was too late. I closed the
vortex before he could arrive. I thought it would send him back
through to the other side. But instead he got stuck, and then he
For what he did to all of you, and what he did to you especially Master
Makoto, I am deeply sorry.
What I'm about to write next might change everything, I know that. I
don't know if you should read it. I don't know whether your reading it
could change things, or whether you did read it and that's what made
things happen as they did, and your not reading it might change things,
or
All I know is I have to write it, even if you don't read it. I can't
leave knowing I've denied you the truth.
So here goes.
I came back in time to meet you. I guess that's really what anybody
from my time would have done if they could. You're very famous where I
come from. Your name is in a lot of books. I heard all about you when
I was growing up from people who'd never even met you. Not a lot of
people had, they said. They talked about you as a recluse a lot. They
had a name for you. I think it was 'the hidden genius'. But I also
heard that you were very kind. I can't tell you how happy it made me
when I found out which story was true.
I guess you probably figured out what you're famous for. You did it,
Master Makoto. You unlocked the secrets of the Eye of God. I'm not
going to tell you when or how, I don't want to risk any more than I
have to. The truth is I don't think I understand it well enough to
explain it if I wanted to. But you did it. You found a way to travel
in time and space using the Eye, and you used it. You used it to bring
her back.
I've been looking at this part of the page I'm writing on now for half
an hour now, and I still don't know how to continue. I'm just going to
write it down, all at once.
There's something you overlooked. There is a way to travel through
space and time using the Eye of God, but there are certain - energies
in between dimensions. They're different from anything in normal
space. They react differently. What they do - it doesn't make a lot
of sense to me. If you're only cast adrift, like you were when you
were sent here, there's a very good chance they won't affect you. But
if you focus the energies, to control where or when you go, the body is
exposed to - radiations, you could call them. When the body is exposed
to them for even a moment they
It's fatal, Master Makoto. That's why no time travelers have come back
to meet you before. They banned it. Sealed off the Eye of God
forever. At worst, the traveler is killed instantly, before they even
complete the trip. At best, they start to get sick within days. They
just get sicker and sicker, wasting away until
The tests that they conducted later said that the best any human or El-
Hazardian could last would be three years. Even the Bugrom are
vulnerable. After you bring her back you
You lasted one year. They said you should have died sooner but
That's why I came back to now, to before you figured it out. You left
right after you did it, and I didn't want to see
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn
After I arrived here I spent a year at the Seminary. I knew Lady Miz
would be stepping down this year, so I trained as a Water Priestess. I
knew that if I could be the new Priestess of Water I'd be sent to the
Palace, and I'd be sure to meet you. I could stay there, be with you,
for as long as I wanted to. I wanted that so badly.
Please, tell everyone I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I abused the
Order, I'm sorry I took a position I shouldn't have had. It was wrong
of me to use it for such selfish purposes, but I hope I've redeemed
myself, however slightly, through my actions as a Priestess. I pray
that I have.
All that time at the Seminary, waiting to meet you, I was so afraid. I
was afraid that the ones who said you were cold and guarded were
telling the truth, that it was a truth the others just didn't want to
admit. I was afraid that if you found out what I'd done to see you,
you would hate me for it - I promised myself I'd never let you know.
Or maybe you would hate me for some other reason - something I'd
never even considered. I thought of every thing about myself that you
might hate - I tried to correct them before we met. But I still feared
I'd forget or make some mistake, and I'd lose you. That terrified me
almost the worst - finally finding you and then losing you because of
something I'd done.
What scared me most, though, was that you might simply ignore me. That
it would all be for nothing. That I would never even have you to begin
with.
But it wasn't like that at all. The first time I saw you... It was so
strange, and I wasn't sure at first what was happening, but, I felt so
safe there. And very, very nervous. I didn't know what you were going
to say, or how you'd react. I didn't know anything.
And all you wanted to do was take care of me. You were so kind. You'd
never seen me before, you had no idea who I was, and yet you'd saved
me, looked after me. I wanted to get up and hug you right then and
never let go. But I was still nervous. I remembered to keep up the
act. I couldn't ever let you know what I'd done.
I couldn't let anyone know. I was terrified of someone finding out
what I knew I had done. I was a liar, and a thief, and I didn't
deserve to ever see you, but here you were. I was so scared of anyone
finding me out, I couldn't have told you the truth if I wanted to. You
didn't even know I recognized you.
I had to do the same for everyone else that I recognized, even though I
knew each and every one of them by heart. But by then, it was easy. I
was so happy, because I was with you, finally, and everyone else was so
kind
And then Alujah came back. The - the thing he replaced his body with,
used the energies in the vortex to push open another random portal and
I should have prepared better before coming here. I know that now.
Perhaps I never shouldn't have come back at all. I tricked Thyla -
she's the Water Priestess in my time - into fighting me. Then I found a
way to unseal the Eye and activated it
And Alujah came. With the bugs.
In the future, we have a treaty with the Bugrom. The new queen is
sympathetic to us. She's purged all the warlike elements from their
society. We have peace. It's wonderful, but - there aren't a lot of
jobs for the Bugrom in Roshtaria, so those that live there have to work
as hired labor. Alujah had hired some to come with him when he came
after me - he should have known they wouldn't survive - maybe he did,
but, he brought them anyway, and
Everyone knows the Bugrom language where I'm from. I know what they
were screaming when they died.
At the Seminary, I would have nightmares. That they were coming for
me. That they blamed me. Because it was my fault. It was my idea to
go back that had killed them. Every time I see an insect I think it's
one of them, returned to take revenge
When I told you I was afraid of bugs since before I was born, I wasn't
lying.
But I know what you would tell me, now. You would tell me they can't
hurt me. You would tell me it was an accident. That I was not to
blame. And I think, if I try hard enough, I can believe that someday.
I promise I will try. For you.
They couldn't have survived the trip. No human or El-Hazardian or
Bugrom can. As for Alujah - there's so little of Katsuhiko Jinnai left
in him, he's not really human anymore. And I survived, because of the
same reason I could absorb Thyla's skills. The same reason I could
synchronize with the components of the Eye after it sent me here.
I'm half demon god.
I have to leave now. Don't worry about Alujah. When I go back I'll
bring him home with me. He's no threat in my time. We have the means
to deal with him by then. Please tell Lady Miz that I'm sorry for
taking a position I did not truly deserve. Please tell Parnasse to
keep himself out of trouble for me. And please tell everyone that I'm
sorry for having lied to them. I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone. I
pray that I have not.
Thank you for everything, Master Makoto. Thank you for caring about
me, and for believing in me. Thank you for everything you've taught
me. But most of all, thank you for being more than I ever dared to
dream you would.
I will carry you in my heart always.
Your loving daughter,
Qawool Mizuhara
P.S.
Mother is fine.
---
El-Hazard was created by Hiroki Hayashi and Ryoe Tsurimura and is the
property of AIC and Pioneer Entertainment.