A/N: There be lots of angst here, and yaoi, though nothing explicit. I'm being vague on purpose. If you want to know, you gotta ask. See? Hahaha, it's my evil plot for reviews! Bahahaha. Anyway, my thoughts were scrambled with this, I am in DESPERATE need for a beta, but we have to do it using emails because…well, it's a long story. If you're interested, PM me, yea?
So, I want to hear what you guys think. For now, this is a one shot. If someone asks really nicely, I already have a next chapter in the works. (alright, so I would post it regardless, but still...) Any guess one the pairing? I will write a gift fic for anyone who guesses correctly. :) (see, you have to review hahaha) I think it's kind of obvious, myself. Also, can anyone think of a song that may have inspired me to write the last part?
Reviews fuel my fire! And keep me from writing angsty stuff…never mind that's a lie. Anyway, all review are welcome and begged for.
3 Sherri
XxX
Who was I to think I could tame you? Who was I to think I could soothe the flames that burned within you so brightly, personified by your crimson hair? Who was I to think I could keep you on the ground? Who was I to think I deserved you?
The first day I met you, I wondered how the hell I would deal with someone so opposite of me? You looked bored as the boss explained things to you, saying "Yea, sure, I'll be here tomorrow." And I knew, just to spite him, you would be gone when morning came.
A few weeks later, out drinking with our friends, you asked me, "My place or yours?" as you pushed me against the bathroom stall. We both know my place is closer.
Not long after, I realize I didn't know heaven until I felt your fingers gripping my shoulders, moaning my name, begging me. Laying in the aftermath of the best orgasm either one of us have had, I knew you'd be gone when morning came. That night, it was just for the sex, or so we told ourselves. We didn't want to believe that we may actually care for each other. Our business doesn't do well with caring for someone, especially when that someone could die just as easily on the job as you can.
Every night is the same, you can't stay, you're terrified to get attached. You are a wild animal, untamed, unchained. Who am I to change you? Every night I know, when morning comes you'll be gone.
Now here we are, three glorious years later. The doctor has delivered his death sentence to you. It all started a few months ago, and I can't believe it when he delivers his verdict. He tells us treatment options, he tells us that bullshit story of how sorry he is, and I know by the look in your eyes that you are already gone. You leave, you're silent, you have nothing to say. That night, with you kissing me, hands wandering across my body, I can't help but wonder: When morning comes, where will you be? Even now, I know you won't stay. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am happy to hold you when you let me, and I know that holding too tightly will make you just leave. Everything is different now but you need some part of your old routine. So I know that when morning comes, you'll be gone.
Three months later, its breaking point. I've already lost you; I'm just hanging on to the shell of who you used to be. I'm so amazed at how much you have changed. But I realize, you never did change, your mask just slipped. Behind the facade, you've always been suffering; your mind has just reached the point where you can't hold on anymore. It's okay. You need to know it's okay and that I'm here. I'll support you, no matter how it makes me feel, because somehow I feel like asking you to stay is wrong, selfish even. We both know that when morning comes, you'll be gone.
Tonight, there is no sex. It feels so false now, nothing is the same. You look the same as always, perhaps a little worn, a little tired, but still you. I'm the only one who knows how bad it's gotten. It's an honor to have such a wild spirit like yours trust me with your weakness. No, not weakness. I would never call you weak.
You lay beside me, breath soft against my chest, and I can't help but remember the past three years, days and nights spent together. Every second is a cherished memory, especially now, knowing I'll get no more. You didn't tell me. I already know. When morning comes, you'll be gone.
I find my grip around you tightens and I am holding on for dear life. But I know you've already made your choice. I can hold you and make tonight count. But we both know that when morning comes you will be gone. And for the first time in the whole length of our relationship, I find myself begging you to stay. I am begging you not to leave me and promising everything will be alright. It won't, I can't fix this. No one can. But I still can't accept it. When morning comes, I need you to be here. I voice this and you smile sweetly and touch my chest, above my heart.
"I'll always be here, Partner." Your lithe fingers tap my chest.
I close my eyes and finally allow myself to cry. You push close to me and I know you will at least wait until I have fallen asleep. I know you slipped melatonin into my water tonight and already I can feel the sleeping pills kick in; I know you know that I know. I am grateful, I think.
Regardless, I know that it's already been decided. You made your choice and I don't like it but I won't stop you. I love you too much to stop you. But that doesn't stop me from begging you not to, from begging you to stay with me, from pleading for you not to leave me.
Like so many nights, I feel you standing but I'm already slipping into unconsciousness.
And when morning comes, you're gone. The difference between today and every other day? Today, you're gone forever.
Three rings later, he answers the phone. "Hey. I won't be in today."
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow." He knows. The statement has a double meaning. Beneath the words is a simple statement. Don't you dare follow him into the darkness.
"Yea, I'll see you tomorrow." And it's true. Because you made me promise I wouldn't follow you.
Tonight, I dream of you. It's less of a dream and more of a memory, a warm beach, the sun shining down, lighting your hair so it really does look like fire. It's a memory from about 2 years ago, at a beach we went to on an assignment. The mission was completed 3 days early and we were given some down time. I wonder now how many of those smiles were forced, if that cold darkness inside your heart had begun to take you over just yet. I wonder if you were happy that then, and I would like to believe you were. The truth, however, died with you. That night we stayed up until almost one, declaring our love for each other. That was the first night you told me you loved me, remember? That was the only night you stayed in my arms, the sun peeking through the curtains to kiss you good morning. You always could outshine the sun in my eyes, and your warmth next to me felt ten times hotter than noon in the middle of Midgar in the middle of summer, the concrete and metal of the buildings amplifying the sun's heat. I can almost believe you're in my arms once more as my mind pulls me back to reality.
But when morning comes, you're gone. This will be my life. I will dream of you, and in the morning I will be left with nothing. I will stumble through my days and live for the nights, and someday I will be with you once more. I wish I could touch you again, and that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again. But for now, I'll keep you in my memories, locked inside my head. I hope you'll visit me every night in my dreams, hold me close and help me relive our life, because time will make it harder for me to remember. I'll spend every moment I can holding you at night, in my head, even though memories aren't as good as the real thing.
When morning comes, you'll be gone, and I'll be forced to face the world alone.