Niklaus ?
And I would wonder what you were doing, if you were alright. If you were even alive. God, I didn't even know if you were. I think a part of me refused to believe you could die out there, you would always be too strong to me. You could beat anything and anyone life threw at you. And I knew that. So maybe that's why I did what I did, why I could stop writing to you and move on with my life. Cause I knew you would survive, you always would. You'd live without me. But god, it fucking sucked. Doing what I did. Knowing that you had no idea why. I lost count of how many sleepless nights I just lay there thinking about you and what you were going through. If you even noticed the lack of letters, if you missed me, if you even cared anymore. I heard 6 months later your tour had ended and you were back in the states. I didn't know where, not that I would have tried to find you but I'd like to think that I would do this great big grand gesture, beg for your forgiveness and you'd take me back. But you know how I am. I couldn't bring myself to face you after what I did, couldn't even begin to form an explanation as to why. But I honestly believed I was doing the right thing.
You would never admit it but you were the better one, you were the more romantic, gentle, loving one. I was messed up, and you couldn't fix me. No one could but me. I knew I didn't deserve you and a selfish part of me didn't care, still wanted to stay with you. But I needed to be a better person for you, so I tried. I spent a lot of those 6 months getting in touch with my parents and friends, learning how to forgive and I even took up painting again. I learnt a lot from group therapy aswell, and I started to finally love myself, love my body the way it is, the way it is meant to be. And when the time came, when I heard you were home, I wasn't ready. I had only just started accepting myself as well as everything that had happened and I was scared you would take one look at me and see me as the selfish bitch I was, after all I left you when you were depending on me. But I want you to know I've spent every day thinking about you. And I don't even know if this letter will reach you, you could never tell me where you were but I remember your platoon number.
I'm so sorry.
For everything I did and for how that made you feel. I can understand how mad you would be at me and I know there's a high chance you'll burn this letter before you even read it. But I just want you to know I'm so sorry and I love you. I think I understand how to love someone now, you have to accept yourself before you can fully trust someone else with your whole being. And I trust you.
Love Caroline xoxo